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Clearing the Hurdles: Our Struggle to Conceive a Child (Part Two)

Clearing the Hurdles: Our Struggle to Conceive a Child (Part Two) Hurdles by Dave Heather @dphotographer.co.uk
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We have battled with ourselves, blaming everything from the types of lube we use, the possibility I have a low sperm count, straight down to the positions we use during sex. However in the end, the answer was still not clear. To put it simply, we are caught in the middle of a steeplechase of unknowns. All we can hope for is to clear these hurdles along the way.

  It's not you...it's me.

I blamed myself. I started looking for answers as to why we weren't getting pregnant. At the time, all I could look back on was my youth and something my father said to me when I was about 12 years old. You see, I had a lot of medical problems growing up. I was coughing up blood. I was an insomniac. I was just several types of screwed up. I spent a large part of my youth in hospital rooms. A girl in 3rd grade kicked me in the balls while standing in a lunch line. Would have been nice if she had a reason, but she didn't. This caused a hernia and also caused me to have surgery. After that my balls were okay. Well at least for a little while.

One day however, things got a little different. I was upstairs playing with my brothers before bed. I kept feeling my right testicle. It seemed bigger then the left. I ignored it for a bit and kept on playing. Around an hour later it was hard not to notice something was extremely wrong. My testicle had now doubled in size. I was a little freaked out but I remember thinking...“Well shit. I can't show my brothers this and ask them what's wrong! They'll laugh at me! I definitely can't show my Mom! That's just gross!”

So, I kept on playing around. By bed time my testicle was the size of an orange. The pain was numbing. I was filled with panic and dread. I knew I had to tell my mom, but I was at that age that I really didn't want my mom staring at my balls. So I forced myself to sleep it off, praying that it would go away by morning. It did not. By sunrise it was huge. I don't remember the actual size but I do remember thinking...“Holy shit!”

So I bit the bullet and told my mom. She asked to see it and I showed her. When she gasped, I knew this was not normal in the slightest. My father then came to see and he went pale. I knew then that this was not at all funking normal! I panicked. I cried. I had no clue what the hell was going on. I was rushed to the hospital and everything after that was a blur. I remember being put under and waking back up to see my dad hovering over me. After I returned home, my father came to me and we had a talk. I vaguely remember this. He said...“You do know the doctors said you may not be able to have kids after this?” I said it was okay. I wanted to adopt anyway. He looked sad and I really didn't understand why.

After that it just became a fading memory. I walked around with a hidden scar between my balls and I just simply kinda forgot it was there. Years later I completely forgot why it was there. I had no memory of what caused my ball to swell up like that. The only thing that really stuck with me was my father saying I couldn't have kids. This became my explanation to Joney. However, it also made me wonder if my son was truly mine? For my theory to be true, then “Lana” must have lied to me.

  "I would do anything for love...but I won't do that."

I thought about getting tested. To see if my son was truly mine. It never came to that. I don't know why to be honest. I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to know. I loved my son. If I found out he wasn't mine, I would be crushed. Basically I thought it was a dick move on my part to even ask “Lana” if I could get it done. She had me bent over a barrel. I was walking on egg shells around her. I was afraid that any little thing I did would cause her to draw back and not allow me to see my son. So, I didn't do it.

This caused a huge rift between me and Joney. “Lana” didn’t really care either way. She was already not allowing me to see my son, mainly because of Joney. She just didn't want her around him. So the fights started. She wanted a damn explanation. Was it her? Was it me and my busted balls? Why wasn't she getting pregnant? If a paternity test could prove I wasn't the father of my son, then that too would prove that my balls truly were busted. It would prove nothing was wrong with her. She could easily have a baby if only I could provide her the seed. I...just wouldn't do it. This was too much for Joney to take. After 4 years of being together, we decide to call it quits for good. I decided to move back to Montana with my younger brother. It was heartbreaking. I didn't want to leave her and I seriously thought the time apart would do us both some good. I had no idea just how right I would be.

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