1. “Who sings this song?”
We’re big fans of a soundtrack for sex, but the music should be ambiance only. Sure, everyone’s mind wanders during at times, but try to hold that thought and Google the song later. Same goes for singing along to a song during sex — just don’t.
There’s nothing worse than whispering a sordid dirty nothing in your partner’s ear and having them say “What was that?” Some things just don’t bear repeating. Of course, it’s kind of an awkward moment when you know your partner just said something, and you have no idea if it was “Do you know how hot you make me?” or “Can I put this in your butt?” Try something a little more subtle than “Huh?” though, such as, “Say that again” in your huskiest voice.
3. “My ex did this awesome thing with my nipples...”
It’s okay to ask your partner to do something awesome that your ex once did. Just try and be a bit subtle about it. No names, genius. And no instructions so bossy and precise that it’s clear you’re trying to replicate a moment. Guide your partner there gently.
4. “No, not like that!”
Speaking of: When you’re directing your partner, speak in positives unless something really hurts or your partner just doesn’t get it. Tell them, specifically, what to do, rather than what *not* to do. Enthuse loudly when they get it right and guide them with your hands and body when they don’t.
Ladies, we hope we don’t need to explain why this is a terrible thing to say in bed. Say harder, say faster, say more, say fuck me...say anything else.
6. “Is that pee?”
Unless you’re both so drunk that you can’t see straight, chances are the lady ejaculated.
7. “This never happens” or “Huh, that usually works.”
Whether you’re a man with a flagging erection or a woman who’s not climaxing in her usual way, try not to imply that your partner — being the only variable in the equation — is the problem. You may not mean this, but they’ll probably hear it that way.
Bodies are gross. They're hairy, they get zits, they make impolite noises and smells — and we're just talking about the ladies! This is a fact of life for all humans, except perhaps for those genetic freaks who can make a living as professional models — and even they are airbrushed! When you and another person get naked together, loosen up, start sweating, and do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel, you might see, hear, and smell some uncivilized things. Don't make a big deal about it. Don't point and laugh. And if you're the culprit, don't do a Dutch oven.
9. “I don’t mind.”
This is a terrible answer to the question, “What do you want to do tonight?” — at least in the early stages of dating — and it’s always a terrible answer to the question, “What do you want me to do to you?” Have an opinion, have a suggestion, or at least have an adjective at the ready (hard, fast, gentle, naughty, whatever).
10. “Did you come?”
If you have to ask…