Is The Handjob Passé?

I started thinking about handjobs when I read this piece by A.J. Daulerio at Jezebel back in July entitled, “Hey, You: Bring Back the Handjob,” in which he lays out four arguments in favor of the handjob, and laments the fact that some women just decide “out of nowhere?that handjobs are just not part of the repertoire anymore.”

Handjobs, though, aren’t just for guys. To me, hands are so intimate. For the same reason, say, that I like getting spanked by someone’s hand rather than a toy, I like having a lover touch me with their hands. You can do so much with your hands, and they don’t have to work alone.

Reader Robin-Lyn Smith told me, “I’m bisexual and currently in a monogamous long-term relationship with a woman. Regardless of the sex, I always request my partner to masturbate in front of me to study their technique. After a couple times, I can duplicate their rhythm, length and duration of strokes, etc. to the point of them feeling like they are doing it themselves. I consider giving someone a handjob (a truly spectacular and mind-blowing handjob) one of the hottest and most sensual acts and have experienced incredible orgasms as a result of them?without touching myself.”

As for me, I prefer receiving a handjob to getting head, or at the very least, I like a combination of the two. I don’t think handjobs should be pitted against other sex acts, but somehow they are, and they often lose out, which is unfortunate. I asked around and got pretty mixed responses when it came to this often under-appreciated act.

Several guys who responded felt that a handjob is a waste of time. Writer Marty Beckerman said, “If I wanted a hand to get me off, I’d use my own, thanks,” a sentiment I’m sure many men (but not Daulerio) echo.

Yes, you could do it yourself (which leads me to wonder if guys could suck their own cocks, would they not care about blowjobs? I suspect they still would), but it’s not exactly the same.

“Handjobs are okay, as long as they’re assiduously, lovingly applied,” says David Matthews, “and not just a “I’m too tired to fuck/blow you, so maybe this’ll shut you up.’” I think the same could be said for any sex act; if the other person is just going through the motions, what’s the point?

A friend told me that until he got his first handjob, from his now-wife, he absolutely believed a girl couldn’t make him come with a handjob. “Not that any had tried, but I just didn’t think they were as good at it as I was.” (Note to potential handjob givers: She used lube, while he’d been using nothing but, well, his hand, for years.)

Some of us think that we know exactly how we like to use our hands, so no one else can teach us anything. For some people, this may be true, but I can safely say that I’ve received a lot of pleasure from handjobs, sometimes without even knowing exactly what the other person was doing to me (how many fingers, what position).

You can also learn a lot about a lover by how they approach the handjob, and, maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s hot when a lover shows me both how they get off themselves and what they want me to do to them.

There can be a kinky and an exhibitionist aspect to handjobs that singles them out: Unless you’re taping yourself, it’s hard to see everything when you’re engaging in intercourse. Unlike, say, a blowjob (which I’m using to include men as well as women), the person giving head can’t see what they’re doing while they’re doing it, but with a handjob, you can both watch.

For research for this column (yes, I love my job), I watched the porn DVD Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Handjobs for Men and Women (Vivid Ed). I liked it not only because there are some very hot scenes, but also because it shows you what to do and how some people like to be touched. (Click video image for details.)

The actors are really getting off, not just thrashing around or doing it for a few seconds and then moving on to “the real thing.” If you want to learn about giving handjobs or just watch some hot scenes, I highly recommend it (yes, there is an educational component).The handjob shouldn’t be a last resort, at least, not in my opinion.

Adrian Colesberry, author of the hilarious memoir How to Make Love to Adrian Colesberry, is a fan. “I think it’s juvenile not to like a handjob. I understand that a handjob is an epic sexual stepping stone, but so is making out and touching a girl’s boobs.

“No one who finally gets to enjoy vaginal or oral says, ‘OK, no more kissing. That’s kids’ stuff! And I’m definitely never touching boobs again or grabbing your ass.’ Even if it was just something on the way to something else at one point in your life, it’s still just a sex act like any other sex act. You have an entire lifetime of sex in front of you. Don’t spend time taking things off the menu.”

Colesberry also gives explicit instructions in his book about how to incorporate your hand into a blowjob to create the best of both worlds (for the next time you find yourself with his penis in your face).

Another thing handjobs have going for them? Discreetness. You can reach between someone’s legs in a taxi (as Mila Kunis does all too briefly to Natalie Portman in Black Swan) or slyly while standing in front of them. Even if you don’t actually touch their genitals, the suggestion is there, while simulating oral sex is going to be a tad more tricky if you don’t want to get caught. You can give a furtive handjob without other people knowing (or with them knowing, if that’s what you’re into) and your biggest problem is going to be figuring out how to clean up.

I think the emphasis on “job” in handjob also needs a rest. Yes, it can be practically carpal-tunnel-inducing if you’re trying to get someone off just with your hand for prolonged periods of time without any assistance. That’s not fun (I don’t think) for anyone.

But as something to add to the mix, or to use before or after other sexual activities, it shouldn’t be discounted. You can have them show you how they jerk off, add some lube, use a toy and your hands, watch porn and touch each other…you name it. They also can work in conjunction with other activities; you could be giving head and getting a handjob, a win/win situation!

I’m not trying to be a cheerleader for the handjob (OK, maybe I am, a little, but I won’t be offended if you never give or get one ever again). Maybe, though, my inner English nerd suspects, it needs some rebranding, because it’s not the sexiest word around. I’m trying to think of a hot way to ask someone for a handjob and am having trouble coming up with something, whereas “Suck Me” or “Lick Me” sound like short, succinct commands. Maybe the sexiest way isn’t to verbalize it, but to just take the other person’s hand and put it where you want it. Happy handling!