Sex » Women; Health » Body image, Relationships: "Sex and the Suburbs: A Day in the Sex Life of a Suburban Mom"

EdenFantasys Store

Sex and the Suburbs: A Day in the Sex Life of a Suburban Mom

Sex and the Suburbs: A Day in the Sex Life of a Suburban Mom
  •    
  • Print
  • E-mail
It’s time to enjoy a glimpse into the world of your typical suburban mom (played by me), and how sex fits (or more appropriately doesn’t fit) into it. It’s not pretty, it’s not glamorous and it certainly isn’t all that sexy. But here it is, stripped down to the bone. It might just look a little familiar…

  Textual Intercourse: A Mom’s Best Friend

9:47am: Receive dirty text message from hubby, send one back that says “I’m going to make you feel so good tonight.” To myself I add “If I don’t fall asleep on the couch too early…”

10:00am—12:00pm: Work, tend to toddler, get things for toddler, read to toddler, put toddler in time out, and do research for column and book. Reading mom’s interview answers makes me hot and I think I may actually want to have sex tonight.

12:00pm: Lunch for toddler, phone call from hubby about a call from a credit card company about the bill that didn’t get paid on time. Not in the mood anymore…

1:00pm—3:30pm: More working, tending to toddler, getting things for toddler, reading to toddler, playing with toddler, putting toddler in time out, and doing research for column and book. Start to wonder if hubby is satisfied with our sex life. Look at sex toys, try to find something interesting to spice things up. Send him some links for toys and lingerie to get him going.

  Where’s My Stylist When I Need Him?

3:40pm: 9-year-old comes home, make him snack, work on homework and quiz spelling words. Pack up the kids in the mini-van with the dog to go to the park, realize halfway there that I have a big stain on my shirt from when toddler spilled her chocolate milk on me. Shrug to myself and hope there are other moms at the park that look like they just climbed out of bed.

4:32pm: Realize I am the only mom at the park who looks like I just climbed out of bed. Kids play while I analyze the moms around me and feel completely inadequate as I compare myself to their gym-buffed bodies and perfect Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Gaze down at my drooping breasts and stained tee-shirt and think I may never feel sexy again…

5:00pm: Come home, start dinner. Realize I haven’t taken a shower. Go to the bathroom, wash my face and put on some makeup to attempt at looking half decent for hubby when he gets home.

5:30pm: Hubby comes home, family sits down to dinner. Hubby is quiet and sullen from a bad day at work, kids are off the wall and won’t sit and eat. Head starts to throb and suddenly I wish I had a bottle of wine…don’t think there is any sex in my future.

  Vomit—The New Black

6:00pm: Clean up from dinner, do dishes, toddler comes into kitchen complaining of a belly ache.

6:02pm: Pick up toddler, only to be projectile vomited on.

6:30pm—8:00pm: Tend to toddler, give baths, read stories, put children to bed.

8:01pm: Finally collapse on the couch. Realize I smell vomit but can’t pinpoint where it is coming from. Hubby is watching sports, I begin to fall asleep.

10:00pm: Wake up to hubby pulling me off the couch into the bedroom. Hubby is obviously in the mood. I realize I have vomit on my shirt, so me--not so much.

  Giving It the Old College Try…

10:05pm: Change shirt and go to bathroom to clean myself up. Spritz myself with some perfume and push my boobs up as high as they will go. Notice not for the first time that breasts are not made to defy gravity. Despite this fact, I’m ready for action.

10:06pm: Walk sexily into the bedroom, climb into bed naked and slide up next to hubby, only to realize that he is snoring loudly.

10:07pm: Roll over and fall into a deep sleep. Maybe in the morning

  Cut! Take Two!

If you are anything like me, chances are you have had that day. Perhaps you are having yet another one today. So let’s walk it back and see what we could have done differently, shall we?

  If You’re Happy and You Know it, Have a Quickie!

7:32am: Wake to sound of shrieking toddler and hubby groping my breasts and poking his hard-on into my back. Get up, get toddler settled with a cup of juice and crawl back into bed with hubby for a quickie. No kissing because of the morning breath, but it’s still hot! As I get out of bed to start the day, I notice the Post-It note I stuck to the mirror last night that says “You are a confident, sexy, smart woman.” Damn straight. I stand a little taller as I strut to the bathroom.

8:00am: Make coffee, breakfast, and lunches. Argue with 9-year-old about something inane. Argue with toddler about something even more inane. Catch a glimpse of hubby’s naked ass as his towel slips as he comes out of the bathroom and get hot all over again. Make a mental note to initiate Round 2 tonight after the kids are in bed.

8:35am: See 9-year-old off on the bus, get toddler settled in front of the television. Sit down in front of computer with cup of coffee, check e-mail and get ready to start working.

  Textual Intercourse: Foreplay’s Techie Cousin

9:47am: Receive dirty text message from hubby, send one back that says “I’m going to make you feel so good tonight.” Remind myself not to fall asleep on the couch too early.

10:00am—12:00pm: Work, tend to toddler, get things for toddler, read to toddler, put toddler in time out, and do research for column and book. Reading mom’s interview answers makes me hot and I think I now really want to have sex again tonight.

12:00pm: Lunch for toddler, phone call from hubby about a call from a credit card company about the bill that didn’t get paid on time. Try not to let it get to me. Get the bill paid, put it behind me.

1:00pm—3:30pm: More working, tending to toddler, getting things for toddler, reading to toddler, playing with toddler, putting toddler in time out, and doing research for column and book. Start to fantasize about getting it on with hubby and look at some new sex toys online. Send hubby some links.

  Mike Rowe, Eat Your Heart Out

3:40pm: 9-year-old comes home, make him snack, work on homework and quiz spelling words. Pack up the kids in the mini-van with the dog to go to the park, realize halfway there that I have a big stain on my shirt from when toddler spilled her chocolate milk on me. Shrug to myself and realize that a mom’s work is dirty work. Mike Rowe ain’t got shit on a mom—I probably won’t be the only mom at the park who looks like she just climbed out of bed.

4:32pm: Realize I am the only mom at the park who looks like I just climbed out of bed. Oh well. Kids play while I think about how much time all these moms wasted putting on makeup and ironing their sweatsuits. Remind myself that I am beautiful, confident and sexy—just not at the park in the middle of the week.

5:00pm: Come home, start dinner. Realize I haven’t taken a shower. Go to the bathroom, wash my face, put on some makeup and change my clothes to freshen up.

5:30pm: Hubby comes home, family sits down to dinner. Hubby is quiet and sullen from a bad day at work; kids are off the wall and won’t sit and eat. Rub my temples to ward off a headache and try to cheer everyone up by offering ice cream for dessert. Play footsies with hubby under the table and finally get a smile out of him. As I slide my foot up his pant leg, I realize there may very well be some more action tonight.

  Vomit—An Unlikely Aphrodisiac

6:00pm: Hubby cleans up from dinner and does the dishes while I sit with a glass of wine. Feeling much less like a Desperate Housewife. Toddler comes into the room complaining of a belly ache.

6:02pm: Pick up toddler, only to be projectile vomited on. Pray that scientists find a way to reengineer toddler vomit to smell like Chanel No. 4. Or chocolate chip cookie dough.

6:30pm—8:00pm: Tend to toddler, hubby gives baths and helps me read stories and put children to bed.

8:01pm: Finally collapse on the couch. Realize I smell vomit but can’t pinpoint where it is coming from. Hubby is watching sports, I begin to fall asleep, but wake myself up to curl up next to hubby on the couch. Despite the vomit smell, hubby responds by caressing my back and stroking my hair. I fall asleep cradled in his arms.

10:00pm: Wake up to hubby pulling me off the couch into the bedroom. Hubby is obviously in the mood. I realize I have vomit on my shirt, so I strip if off, inventing a sexy new striptease I dub The Sexy Momma Vomit Shuffle. Hubby giggles accordingly.

  Let’s Get it On! (Cue Marvin Gaye Music)

10:05pm: Go to bathroom to clean myself up. Spritz myself with some perfume and push my boobs up as high as they will go. Notice not for the first time that breasts are not made to defy gravity, but they still look pretty good, all things considered. I’m ready for action.

10:06pm: Walk sexily into the bedroom, climb into bed naked and slide up next to hubby, only to realize that he is snoring loudly.

10:07pm: Wake hubby up by wrapping my hand around his erection with voracious enthusiasm and end the night with a bang—suburban mommy style.

  Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

Better, don’t you think? A little more humor and a lot more self-confidence, injected with a healthy dose of teamwork on the part of Mom and Dad. It works. And it results in more sex, so everybody wins.

Now, putting it into practice, that is the hard part. It’s not easy to reverse your negative feelings about yourself and change your perspective about sex and the importance of your relationship. As you can see, I am just your typical mom. I change wet beds, wipe snotty noses and put my vibrator batteries in one at a time. I struggle with all these things, just like you.

I’m ready for some change. Who’s with me?


Email me at sexandthesuburbs2009@gmail.com!

Our Top Stories Being Recommended on Facebook

Comments

What's Hot

Sexis in your inbox

Keep up on new articles, projects, columns and more