Me Tarzan, you Jane...not a formula for romance
Problem: Really, during sex is not the time to broach a new sexual desire you’d like to explore - nor is it the time to set it up so that the intended addition is already in the know - and ready to jump in! When we’re already turned on, we’re more likely to have a negative reaction to big, unknown changes; it’s also the worst time to try to negotiate safer sex issues or whether that fantasy that you have is something that they really want to participate in.
Solution: Bringing up your wants, needs and desires is important, but timing is everything – and in this case, During Sex is not good timing. In fact, I'd suggest not doing it in the bedroom, or when you're not even in the mood at all. Neutral location, non-sexual mood, and privacy affords your partner enough safety and space around hearing what you're asking for, and not being pressured to agree to anything unless they're comfortable with it.
Problem 1: This is dishonesty – not of the sort that gets you thrown in jail, but of the sort that creates unrealistic expectations in relationships. If your partner thinks that what they’re doing is good for you, they’ll usually keep doing it. And if they think you’re actually getting all the way to the breaking point, they’ll do it even harder (ow!).
Problem 2: Additionally, you’re lying to your partner about your pleasure – when they realize you’re faking it, they’ll wonder what else you’ve been faking…and voila! Distrust has been sown.
Solution: Try being honest – but not brutally so! If you can do it while they’re mishandling your bits, move around a little and tell them something to the effect of “sweetie, I would really love it if you’d lick / touch / stroke me this way”…you can even show them by touching yourself (hot!) or guiding their mouth or hand as they touch / lick you (hotter!). If they’re just not getting it in the bedroom – wait until a non-sexual time and tell them that while you love their desire to give you lots of attention, it’s not as good as it could be – and tell them what you really want.
Problem: With that attitude, you won’t. Rather than actually negotiating for the sex you want, and respecting your partners’ boundaries, you’re using the oldest tricks known to humankind – passive-aggressiveness and kvetching. Passive-aggressive behavior, for those of you who aren’t in the know when it comes to interpersonal drama, is when you whine about what you want without coming out and saying it…and kvetching is a nice, Yiddish term for bitching and moaning. Here’s the thing: nobody likes it. Not your partner, not your boss, not your dog, not even your mother (though you may think she wrote the book on how to do it).
Solution: Instead – treat your partner like a human being with their own set of boundaries, values, fears, turn ons, and turn offs. Ask them (again, not in the bedroom!) why they don’t want to get your spooge juice in their mouth – they may have some amazingly good, reasonable things to say about why it’s not okay. Maybe they’ve tried it before and it makes them puke. Maybe they feel humiliated, and don’t want to. Do you REALLY want to be pushing those buttons, my friend? I didn’t think so. However, when you approach it honestly and tactfully, a miracle might occur – your partner may say that they’re nervous about it, or that they have never done it before, or that they worried that you wouldn’t kiss them afterwards…all things that the two of you can talk about openly and that may possibly lead to them giving it a try!
Problem 1: First of all, nobody likes surprises – remember what happened when you told your college buddy that your partner really secretly wanted a threesome, and to hang out in the living room while you got things started? Yeah, like that. People are often more than happy to try something new in the boudoir, but they’d like just a little bit of warning – and the opportunity to consent. BDSM, including bedroom bondage and wearing fetish gear, is based on informed consent; tying someone up without it is considered at best poor form, and at worst a felony in most states.
Problem 2: You may be mistaking the source of desire by assuming that what they turn on watching is what they really want to do. Hell, I get my adrenaline all pumped up during car chases, but I’d really rather not drive my truck off a cliff in real life.
Solution: A better way to handle it would be to talk to them about whether they really thought it was hot…and if so, what was hot about it. You may find that it was YOU they were thinking about tying up, rather than vice versa! At best, you’ll find out that they really do want to try the low-down and dirty bondage bit, and your credit card and a high speed internet connection can have you in rope and chain-heaven in a matter of days; most likely, you’ll find that it sparked some sort of interest that, if you both feel safe enough with each other, you can start to learn more about & explore together to see if it really does get you off. Either way, you get to know more about what’s going on in your partner’s hindbrain, and when you’re looking for ways to keep them turned on for you, more knowledge is never a bad thing!
Problem: You never did finish the conversation, did you? You assumed that because your partner didn’t have any big negative comments while you’re discussing it, that they must be okay with you dipping your various parts into the hot tub of extra-relationship sex. Unfortunately, they never actually said “Yes, darling, I think that’s a great idea, and I suggest you hook up with someone next time that you’re out of town”…did they?
Solution: Negotiate, negotiate, and negotiate before making changes in any relationship structure – especially changes that are vital to the emotional and physical workings of either partner. Deciding to do something as significant as opening up the relationship to multiple partners isn’t always the angst-inducing, hair-tearing process that some of us expect, but neither is it something that happens as a result of a single conversation. While you and your love(s) discuss the concept, it should be an “all cards on the table” situation – everyone talks about all their fears, turn ons, philosophical ideals, etc., while also dealing with the reality of the situation and how you can build in time, energy, and boundaries so that everyone’s needs are met and concerns are addressed. Especially in the above situation, you might have wanted to talk to your sweetie before you left town and ask them how they would feel if you hooked up with someone, and been able to understand their concerns before you made the decision to bounce bits with a new person.