Thug Life: Punching, Kicking, and Takedowns as a Way to Do S/M

I pulled my SAP gloves out of my toy bag—they’re leather gloves with the back of the hand padded with lead shot, to make impacts take on a whole new level of power (as a smaller-bodied woman, I need the extra weight in order for my blows carry the authority that I want them to). I walked over to my play date, a guy I’d been flirting with all weekend at the event, and ran my leather-gloved fingers over his chest. “Is there anywhere I shouldn’t hit you? Anything you don’t want me to do?” I asked, watching his eyes and his face, looking for a response.

“No, just no gut punching,” he replied, looking me squarely in the eye, yet obviously a bit entranced already.

“Good,” I said, and quickly gave him a moderately heavy punch on his pecs, to let him know that it was ON. Those beautiful brown eyes opened a bit wider, his nostrils flared in surprise, and I felt my “sadist” light go on. The second strike was heavier…

As a top (or the person that’s leading the action of the scene), I’ve enjoyed punching and physical beating for a number of years. My first exposure to it was watching one of my friends use her bare feet to beat the man she was playing with, using martial arts-style kicks and the top of her foot to deliver strikes to his ass and thighs. I was immediately caught up in the sight and sound of it—her grunts as she landed each blow, and his gasps as he took in the sensation and processed it, curling in on himself even as he exposed other parts of his body for her ungentle attentions.

I had never seen people consensually play with physical violence like that—on the surface, it looked like a nonconsensual attack. However, beneath that, there was a very different dynamic. The top was obviously riding a high of power and dominance, and yet, still very much in control of her actions and precise in both the location and force of her hits. The bottom was surrendering to the top, and even though it looked like he had no option, he most definitely could have stopped the scene at any second just by speaking his safeword or using a pre-arranged movement or gesture to say “stop.”

Once I explored it a bit myself, I found that rough physical play like this tapped into my body and brain in some ways that other forms of play don’t or can’t. There’s an almost inborn fear of physical violence—for most of us, it symbolizes the most personalized attack possible, and is often thought of in terms of abuse, or bullying, or hate crime. By putting my partner in a position where I know that they will experience fear, I’m allowed an opportunity to create psychodrama for them to explore that fear; similarly, as a top, I’m creating a role for myself to explore being the “bad guy,” to deal with the shadow side of my own spirit, and perhaps even to confront my inner demons of the misuse of personal power in the past.

Other tops mention similar effects. Allena, who is an experienced top with rough play (as well as someone who enjoys bottoming to it), says, “I love the feel of doing the forbidden…using my fists and feet in ways that I would have been punished for as a child—or even as an adult.”

Julie also talks about her emotional reactions to her role as sadistic top: “I love feeling someone take in my energy (in a very physical way)—it leaves me feeling grateful. Sometimes, it also frightens me, to see how much I am willing or want to push someone.”