As a switch, with more sub tendencies than dom, I have had relationships with varying degrees of BDSM-ery. Some of those relationships were far from healthy, and I made a lot of mistakes, both in my treatment of other people, and in my treatment of myself. I've wondered in the past if it is even possible to have a healthy relationship when it involves degradation, physical pain, and simulated situations that are otherwise taboo and sometimes dangerous. And if it is possible for people to have healthy BDSM relationships, it is possible for me?
I talk a lot about pushing my boundaries, and I know that personally, that is what I need in all areas of my life to feel pleasure. I am not happy to sit still. So, my use of pain during sex is not so much about the hurting as it is the endurance. Yet, as any doctor will tell you, we have pain responses for a reason. Our body is telling us that something isn't right. The same is true for our emotions, though that's a bit cloudier.
What I am moving toward learning more about myself sexually in this episode is emotion. Which boundaries can I push, and what do I need in place to make me feel safe pushing them? How can I use what once might have been a negative emotional experience and turn it on it's head, own it, and overcome it? And while I'm at all this new-agey perception changing stuff, how can I have really great sex in the process?
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