After reading through a ton of legitimate sex toy reviews, I wrote a bad review as a goof… just to make myself laugh, which is generally the motivation behind most of what I do. After mentioning this ‘Worst Review of All Time’ (so far) to the wrong person (cough* In the pink *cough), I was then obligated to actually post it. For your enjoyment, um I hope, I present…
The Gorilla
Today as I walked through the door to my grandma’s house, the first thing that I see sitting there on the kitchen table was my package from EF, The Gorilla had finally arrived! So I do a couple fat rails of cleanser and then I rip the package open like I was goddamned Wolverine in berserker mode. I unsheathed this rubbery primate’s appendage from its plastic casing like it was Excalibur.
Within seconds I got a massive migraine headache, a nosebleed, and I threw up three times from the foul rubbery smell that accompanies every sex toy ever made … and then I was off like a racehorse to my bedroom in the basement, also affectionately referred to as the Get Down Chamber, to get down to business with The Gorilla.
After entering the Get Down Chamber, I coated the entire toy in a half inch layer of Crisco. I cut my pants off with a box cutter, grabbed a ball peen hammer, and then started pounding this ramrod straight into my jam hole.
I ignored the blood and kept hammering until I eventually lost consciousness, but I’ll tell you what … when I awoke, I was fully satisfied. I would have to say that as far as size and texture go, the Gorilla clocks in somewhere between the full-size Maglite, and an erect horse penis, and it looks a lot like the arm of a Gorilla.
Cleaning this bad boy was a snap. For safety purposes, I store all of my sex toys in a 55 gallon drum of a homemade sterilizing agent that I make myself called ‘De-Sexing Solution’. It consists of a precise mixture: 10% bleach, 90% baby oil, and a fresh box a dryer sheets… you can never be too safe!
All in all, I would give this toy 5 stars and recommend it to anyone who would like to add a little spice to their love life.
The Gorilla
Today as I walked through the door to my grandma’s house, the first thing that I see sitting there on the kitchen table was my package from EF, The Gorilla had finally arrived! So I do a couple fat rails of cleanser and then I rip the package open like I was goddamned Wolverine in berserker mode. I unsheathed this rubbery primate’s appendage from its plastic casing like it was Excalibur.
Within seconds I got a massive migraine headache, a nosebleed, and I threw up three times from the foul rubbery smell that accompanies every sex toy ever made … and then I was off like a racehorse to my bedroom in the basement, also affectionately referred to as the Get Down Chamber, to get down to business with The Gorilla.
After entering the Get Down Chamber, I coated the entire toy in a half inch layer of Crisco. I cut my pants off with a box cutter, grabbed a ball peen hammer, and then started pounding this ramrod straight into my jam hole.
I ignored the blood and kept hammering until I eventually lost consciousness, but I’ll tell you what … when I awoke, I was fully satisfied. I would have to say that as far as size and texture go, the Gorilla clocks in somewhere between the full-size Maglite, and an erect horse penis, and it looks a lot like the arm of a Gorilla.
Cleaning this bad boy was a snap. For safety purposes, I store all of my sex toys in a 55 gallon drum of a homemade sterilizing agent that I make myself called ‘De-Sexing Solution’. It consists of a precise mixture: 10% bleach, 90% baby oil, and a fresh box a dryer sheets… you can never be too safe!
All in all, I would give this toy 5 stars and recommend it to anyone who would like to add a little spice to their love life.
