Don’t read this…(aka ‘How not to write a review’)

Don’t read this…(aka ‘How not to write a review’)

Gary Gary
After reading through a ton of legitimate sex toy reviews, I wrote a bad review as a goof… just to make myself laugh, which is generally the motivation behind most of what I do. After mentioning this ‘Worst Review of All Time’ (so far) to the wrong person (cough* In the pink *cough), I was then obligated to actually post it. For your enjoyment, um I hope, I present…

The Gorilla

Today as I walked through the door to my grandma’s house, the first thing that I see sitting there on the kitchen table was my package from EF, The Gorilla had finally arrived! So I do a couple fat rails of cleanser and then I rip the package open like I was goddamned Wolverine in berserker mode. I unsheathed this rubbery primate’s appendage from its plastic casing like it was Excalibur.

Within seconds I got a massive migraine headache, a nosebleed, and I threw up three times from the foul rubbery smell that accompanies every sex toy ever made … and then I was off like a racehorse to my bedroom in the basement, also affectionately referred to as the Get Down Chamber, to get down to business with The Gorilla.

After entering the Get Down Chamber, I coated the entire toy in a half inch layer of Crisco. I cut my pants off with a box cutter, grabbed a ball peen hammer, and then started pounding this ramrod straight into my jam hole.

I ignored the blood and kept hammering until I eventually lost consciousness, but I’ll tell you what … when I awoke, I was fully satisfied. I would have to say that as far as size and texture go, the Gorilla clocks in somewhere between the full-size Maglite, and an erect horse penis, and it looks a lot like the arm of a Gorilla.

Cleaning this bad boy was a snap. For safety purposes, I store all of my sex toys in a 55 gallon drum of a homemade sterilizing agent that I make myself called ‘De-Sexing Solution’. It consists of a precise mixture: 10% bleach, 90% baby oil, and a fresh box a dryer sheets… you can never be too safe!

All in all, I would give this toy 5 stars and recommend it to anyone who would like to add a little spice to their love life.
01/26/2009
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Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
After reading through a ton of legitimate sex toy reviews, I wrote a bad review as a goof… just to make myself laugh, which is generally the motivation behind most of what I do. After mentioning this ‘Worst Review of All Time’ (so far) to the wrong ...
Congratulations, Yeti, you have given me my first "lol" of the day.

Hilarious though your spoof of bad reviews was, the sad fact remains that there are too many reviews out there which are worse. At least yours was (mostly) grammatically correct. And you had most of your words spelled correctly. Also! You used punctuation and capitalized your i's. This is a lot more than * some * reviews offer.

Thank you for the laughs :]
01/26/2009
jedent jedent
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
After reading through a ton of legitimate sex toy reviews, I wrote a bad review as a goof… just to make myself laugh, which is generally the motivation behind most of what I do. After mentioning this ‘Worst Review of All Time’ (so far) to the wrong ...
I love the shout out to the basement dwellers. If we pretend for just a second that living in your grandmother's basement has something to do with a personality defect, it just makes the rest of this sound creepy. Otherwise, it will just seem scary to the unsuspecting reader. And that makes me lol.

It's so evil and screwed up that it just might work. I love it.
01/26/2009
Victoria Victoria
Let us know when De-Sexing Solution is on the market...it sounds like a best seller in the making
01/26/2009
Sammi Sammi
That was funny . And I have seen worse real ones...
01/26/2009
Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
I about fell off my chair, laughing at the complications due to foul smell.
01/26/2009
CaptainBunnyKilla CaptainBunnyKilla
The only change I'd make would be to make the whole thing one giant run-on sentence. Very funny.
01/26/2009
Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by CaptainBunnyKilla
The only change I'd make would be to make the whole thing one giant run-on sentence. Very funny.
too true...
01/26/2009
Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
wahts wrong wit it yo all our bein meen i likes mine toys smeel cuz it make me hornt I <3 Gorrilla
01/26/2009
Miss KissThis Miss KissThis
Quote:
Originally posted by Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
wahts wrong wit it yo all our bein meen i likes mine toys smeel cuz it make me hornt I <3 Gorrilla
Lol... I think I had to read that 3 times to understand it. Good job!
01/26/2009
Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
wahts wrong wit it yo all our bein meen i likes mine toys smeel cuz it make me hornt I <3 Gorrilla
srsly, no kidding...all you're missing now is a line of dildo emoticons! And maybe a line about how you take it directly from your husband's ass and put it in your vagina!
01/26/2009
Cinnamon Chambers Cinnamon Chambers
Why wast good ass juice by putting in the pussy??...suck it off inch by inch first! I hear e coli is the hawt new diet plan.
01/26/2009
Cinnamon Chambers Cinnamon Chambers
Still giggling...btw my errors were to be funny. i aint really that disuneducated.
01/26/2009
Tuesday Tuesday
Maybe I've inhaled too many rubber fumes myself. I find I'm strangely drawn to the Gorilla.
01/26/2009
Oggins Oggins
A half inch layer of Crisco! That's what I've been doing wrong! Does it also help to seal in the fumes? =D
01/27/2009
Airlia Airlia
Quote:
Originally posted by Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
wahts wrong wit it yo all our bein meen i likes mine toys smeel cuz it make me hornt I <3 Gorrilla
LOL! Classic.
01/28/2009
Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
I read "I cut my pants off with a box cutter" and couldn't get any further. Because, you know, I was on the floor. DEAD FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.
01/28/2009
Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
*blinks in confusion*

What? You guys don't do that?????
01/28/2009
orange_cutie orange_cutie
I was laughing so hard but when I got to the part about losing consciousness I started crying and almost fell out of my chair. Awesome job!
01/30/2009
Juliettia Juliettia
Epic Win.
01/31/2009
Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
You just made my day! I almost fell off of my chair laughing.
01/31/2009
Mamastoys Mamastoys
LOL.. this was hilarious! Made my day!
03/05/2009
Victoria Victoria
I think this thread will be a classic, with people stumbling upon for years to come.

Let's hope the new upgrade requesters read it
03/06/2009
Femme Mystique Femme Mystique
Oh my goodness, that was AMAZING. I have to ask, how many pairs of pants have you ruined with this box cutter method?
03/08/2009
Gary Gary
Quote:
Originally posted by Femme Mystique
Oh my goodness, that was AMAZING. I have to ask, how many pairs of pants have you ruined with this box cutter method?
Hundreds... if not thousands!
03/08/2009
Nickisonehere Nickisonehere
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
After reading through a ton of legitimate sex toy reviews, I wrote a bad review as a goof… just to make myself laugh, which is generally the motivation behind most of what I do. After mentioning this ‘Worst Review of All Time’ (so far) to the wrong ...
Thanks for the great review! Welcome to the site!
05/13/2009
imp imp
Rofl! Brilliant giggles ... goes off to contemplate brewing a batch of this fantastical De-Sexin Solution...
06/02/2009
Gary Gary
Let me know how it turns out
06/05/2009
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
Hundreds... if not thousands!
An then Granny takes him to JCPennys to buy some more short pants!
So when is the Gorrilla going to go public? Do we sell a ball peen hammer sex toy thingy?
06/10/2009
leopardprint leopardprint
Quote:
Originally posted by Victoria
srsly, no kidding...all you're missing now is a line of dildo emoticons! And maybe a line about how you take it directly from your husband's ass and put it in your vagina!
wait... DILDO EMOTICONS? How did I miss that boat? haha!
03/04/2010
Total posts: 65
Unique posters: 40