The New Intimacy

How do you end a relationship?

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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Well, I've finally admitted to myself that my 'friends with benefits' arrangment with Mulder is over. He's been giving me the silent treatment for six weeks now, so it's time to move on. (It would help if he would answer my texts about getting my nighties back.) This whole thing made me think of the different ways people end relationships, and I was wondering how you folks at EF do things.

You know the drill - answer what you do, and explain. I'm especially interested in the reasons behind the avoiding method.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I tell them straight out that it's over.
37
I avoid and hope they 'get the hint'.
6
It's been mutual.
10
I'm the one usually getting dumped.
11
Clicky-clicky!
Other
6
Total votes: 70 (51 voters)
Poll is closed
05/09/2010
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Contributor: Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
I'm sorry to hear about your relationship ending. I hope you get your nighties back, one way or another!

I answered "Other" because technically I've not yet had a relationship end on me... not really. Mr. Sauce was my first and is still my only boyfriend. We were technically broken up for a week or two in the early months of it (and he broke up with me), but other than the emotional turmoil, I don't think we were ever truly in the mindset that either of us wanted to be out of the relationship.

In a totally hypothetical situation, I would most likely avoid and hope they get the hint. It's not the healthy or the "good" way to do it, but knowing my own personality, that is probably what I would do. Either that or a mutual break up.
05/10/2010
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
I'm glad you've realized that things are not working out and apparently this guy is doing his ending part all wrong. I prefer to do things in an honest dignified way. I have probably experienced the most cowardly pathetic breakup known to man. If you don't do things right, it just makes the person lose respect for you and I totally did. But...I must say it also makes you get over the person a lot easier if they are a dick about it.

Honesty is the best policy and in person if possible. PLUS, who knows...if you tell the person why you want to end the relationship, instead of just avoiding, ignoring, abandoning, giving up etc...then maybe they might want to fix it for the both of you...novel concept right lol. I have a lot of friends who have broken up over the stupidest things and regretted it later. But even if you have decided it's over for good...doing things right, will save a friendship or civility down the line. And even if you don't want that either...you will have saved face by being mature about it.

It is more acceptable to do this in less serious relationships-the avoiding that is. But something more committed deserves a breakup with dignity. Plus it prevents the other person from wondering wtf happened, and they will move on quicker if they have answers.

Forget the nighties hun. You can get new ones. Plus won't it be funny when the new girl finds them?! EPIC. He will screwed himself over.
05/10/2010
Contributor: Miss Naughty Kitty Miss Naughty Kitty
Breaking up with someone is always the hardest thing for me to do. I'm have just waited for them to break up with me, which is more mutual then.

I wasn't actually able to break up with someone until the last relationship I was in. I just got bored with him. I had the hardest time doing it though, I pretty much did the ignore method for a week or so and then he asked over text if I was still into to him or what, and I had to break the news to him through text.

I guess I'm just really afraid to hurt people, and I'm very shy about talking about those kind of feelings.
05/10/2010
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
It depends on the relationship, really. I've done the array. If the relationship was ok, but it's time to move on, then it's usually amicable. If the person was a mythical beyotch who tried to control me, then I up and leave without warning with maybe a "take care" (my FU phrase).

Stuff is stuff. At least you're in FL and not MT, total temperature difference!
05/10/2010
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Naughty Kitty
Breaking up with someone is always the hardest thing for me to do. I'm have just waited for them to break up with me, which is more mutual then.

I wasn't actually able to break up with someone until the last relationship I was in. I ... more
I have found that prolonging it actually hurts more in the end.
05/10/2010
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
It depends on the relationship, really. I've done the array. If the relationship was ok, but it's time to move on, then it's usually amicable. If the person was a mythical beyotch who tried to control me, then I up and leave without ... more
LOL yea, I didn't think to mention that. If the guy does something unspeakable, I have just walked. If they don't have enough sense to know why...then that is an even BIGGER indicator they are not the one for me.

LOL I read this in cosmo today...I've a few months behind btw. A girl found out that a guy was cheating. Instead of telling him she knew, she just told him she had an std. Since she was a virgin when they got together the guy freaked and told all the girls he slept with. The gf just casually said that it was probably best they didn't date anymore and never told the guy why she actually broke up with him because she figured the other girls yelling at him and no sex for a long time was torture enough. I couldn't help but laugh.
05/10/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
I suppose I should mention that I'm not as cool about this as I'm sounding - I was devastated, wondering what I did wrong, what big unforgivable thing that I had no clue about had happened. My only boyfriend in high school had done this coward's way out, too, and I ended up with a mild breakdown for several months (found out - YEARS later - that his mother didn't like me and she forced him because she was threatening to take his college money away; still no excuse for not taking responsibility and giving an explanation).

I did end up calling Mulder's mom (she and I've been friends since I was in high school). She said she did ask him about the return of my clothes and my 'puzzlement over the non-communication', and she said he 'didn't want to talk about it'. What to make of that, I don't know, males are a complete mystery to me.
05/10/2010
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I suppose I should mention that I'm not as cool about this as I'm sounding - I was devastated, wondering what I did wrong, what big unforgivable thing that I had no clue about had happened. My only boyfriend in high school had done this ... more
LOL no worries. In my experience it is more rewarding to appear you are moving on and spend less time trying to figure out something that either you will never know or will only know when you stop "pestering". If you don't appear desperate you will be more approachable. The guy will be more likely to give you the honest truth if he thinks you can handle it instead of turning to mush. Be a tough chickie! And if you can't...pretend to be, it can be very hard to tell the difference.

Oh and keep mother's out of it. They are never good to involve and the guy may resent you for it in the end. They don't want their mothers involved in their romance advice anymore than you want your dad involved in your sex life advice.
05/10/2010
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
LOL no worries. In my experience it is more rewarding to appear you are moving on and spend less time trying to figure out something that either you will never know or will only know when you stop "pestering". If you don't appear ... more
I'm sorry it's not going so well for you CPG.

An idea to go with is along the lines of what Lauren stated: sign off on him. If he's not even saying his why's and is ignoring you (but there is a line of how much is too much), he's disrespecting you and your past relationship. If you let him know that you're moving on (regardless if you want to or not), he'll either go along with it or let you know he doesn't want it. You'll either start up a series of habits that will lead to a more self-positive life style OR you'll finally get a straight answer. Either way should be a step forward.

With regard to parents, it depends on your relationship with them and their child's relationship with them too. If they see that their offspring is an o-ring, they'll help you out. If they don't seem to care about it, well...would that be something you'd want to waste time on? Someone who won't return your calls whose parents won't show compassion? Move on...get a pool boy.
05/10/2010
Contributor: DELETED DELETED
He sounds like such a jerk..that happened to me, too..but now I am seeing a woman for a change of pace...YUMMY SEX!!
05/10/2010
Contributor: GNGenie GNGenie
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Well, I've finally admitted to myself that my 'friends with benefits' arrangment with Mulder is over. He's been giving me the silent treatment for six weeks now, so it's time to move on. (It would help if he would answer my texts ... more
I tend to be in the "You annoy the hell out of me now, get gone." camp. (Did, in fact, actually say that to one young man who wasn't taking the more polite methods very seriously)

Usually not that mean, more along the lines of "This relationship isn't working for me anymore. I hope we can at least remain polite." But sometimes you just have to spell it out: "I. Don't. Want. You. Any. More."

I've only ignored a person until they went away once, and that was the first person I ever dated. We stayed pretty amiable after the break up was finalized and he told me how bad it had sucked to not know where he stood, so I made sure to make myself clear after that.
05/10/2010
Contributor: GNGenie GNGenie
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
LOL yea, I didn't think to mention that. If the guy does something unspeakable, I have just walked. If they don't have enough sense to know why...then that is an even BIGGER indicator they are not the one for me.

LOL I read this in ... more
Ditto.

Well...the unspeakable in my case resulted in a bit of a temper fit first, so I'm sure he found evidence leading him to believe either I was insane or that I knew (he wasn't dumb, so I figure he realized the later)
05/10/2010
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
Quote:
Originally posted by GNGenie
Ditto.

Well...the unspeakable in my case resulted in a bit of a temper fit first, so I'm sure he found evidence leading him to believe either I was insane or that I knew (he wasn't dumb, so I figure he realized the later)
Lol I've done that too... there have been times where I couldn't keep it in.
05/10/2010
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Some people just can't handle confrontation, so they just avoid the whole situation. I'm sorry to hear about it ending. And for the nighties, unless they were really expensive, I might just leave them, because not only might it mess with him and future girls he has over, getting them back might have a negative impact on you.
05/10/2010
Contributor: Victoria Victoria
Everyone is different. While I am fairly confrontational, not everyone is - nor do they wish to be confronted. So, when I have been blunt in the past, I got the feeling that some of those people would have preferred the passive approach.

The bottom line really is that you can only take responsibility for your own choices and actions - so do not beat yourself up over this. Reacting is ok, and expected - but don't internalize this, as if you did something to deserve being treated so badly. You should have been treated with respect and compassion - you know that. So, with that in mind, just allow yourself to detach - it wasn't anything that you did or did not do. It was him, and his hangups, and his issues - and in my opinion, you're better off not saddled with someone so thoughtless and insecure.

Hugs to you, sweetie!
05/10/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by ~LaUr3n~
LOL yea, I didn't think to mention that. If the guy does something unspeakable, I have just walked. If they don't have enough sense to know why...then that is an even BIGGER indicator they are not the one for me.

LOL I read this in ... more
Now THAT"S creative! I would love to be a fly on the wall in this guy's room when the women all find out they have to be tested. LOL Serves the jerk right!

I've never had to 'break up ' with a guy but I've had several relationships end horribly. I still feel badly about some of them. I tend to be an in your face kinda person so these times were very turbulent.

Sorry to hear that your relationship with Mulder is ending I wish you the greatest of opportunity to find a guy who is everythingyou are looking for and who will worship you in all the best ways!
05/10/2010
Contributor: Elodie Elodie
Mostly, it's been mutual and relatively amicable.

The worst was the first. He told me he wanted to be with me and spend the rest of his life with me, just not right now. But he didn't want to break up with me. So I said, okay, how about we take some time off. He said no no, he wanted to stay with me, though he felt trapped. In other words: he manipulated me into breaking up with him.

I kept sleeping with him for an embarrassingly long time after that, with him saying he'd want to get back together "officially" soon. He even set a date for when we'd be back together. Then that date passed with him saying he wasn't really ready yet... but I was still totally in love with him. Oh, and he told me that he was thankful I'd broken up with him, but that he would NEVER have broken up with me. Finally, we came to a point where my body actually refused to have sex with him. It's smarter than me a lot of the time.

It took me years to be ready to date again after that, it really messed me up.
05/10/2010
Contributor: Sammi Sammi
Sorry to hear that! Best of luck
05/10/2010
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
When its over its over! I wouldn't go after the clothes, you probably don't want them anyway. You didn't ask, but I would not have any further relationship with his mother either. Keeping "in touch" can cause further pain for you.
It isn't wrth it to invest further time in a failed relationship.
Take care, and be good to yourself...
05/12/2010
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Honesty is the best policy. Not cruel bluntness, but open and immediate truth. Preferably face to face. Phone may suffice but never text or e-mail.
05/12/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Thanks to everyone who responded - you guys are wonderfully caring and I appreciate your honesty and advice.

I've given up on getting the clothes back; no point in banging my head into a wall on that subject.

Otherwise ... doing okay. ^_^
05/15/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
When it came to my ex whom I found was a player, I just cut all communication. I tried to set up one day we could talk and he refused it, so i cut all ties. Week later he contacts my friend and asks her to tell me to call him. Pfft. Never heard from him since, he had a new gal within the month anyway. Hope she finds out what a user he was!

But yeah, i either tell straight out or just cut all ties, depending on the reason for the break up.
05/16/2010
Contributor: Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Thanks to everyone who responded - you guys are wonderfully caring and I appreciate your honesty and advice.

I've given up on getting the clothes back; no point in banging my head into a wall on that subject.

Otherwise ... doing okay. ^_^
Glad to hear that you're doing ok. You are such a smart, sweet, and funny person. You deserve to be treated well. Don't let things get you down.
05/16/2010
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Thanks to everyone who responded - you guys are wonderfully caring and I appreciate your honesty and advice.

I've given up on getting the clothes back; no point in banging my head into a wall on that subject.

Otherwise ... doing okay. ^_^
Victoria took the words right out of my mouth. But I'm really glad to hear you're doing ok, and don't worry about the clothes, you can buy newer sexier ones
05/17/2010
Contributor: Victoria Victoria
Quote:
Originally posted by Jul!a
Victoria took the words right out of my mouth. But I'm really glad to hear you're doing ok, and don't worry about the clothes, you can buy newer sexier ones
Aw!
05/17/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Victoria
Aw!
You and Jul!a are so sweet!
05/17/2010
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
You and Jul!a are so sweet!
05/17/2010
Contributor: Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Well, I've finally admitted to myself that my 'friends with benefits' arrangment with Mulder is over. He's been giving me the silent treatment for six weeks now, so it's time to move on. (It would help if he would answer my texts ... more
I usually just end it, er cut it off. I've gotten dumped a lot too, but usually it's me who initiates the break up. Sometimes in the past I've avoided them and they've gotten the hint...I'm very shy like that, and I'm also very sensitive. By the way, what does Clicky clicky mean?
08/07/2010
Contributor: Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
Honesty is the best policy. Not cruel bluntness, but open and immediate truth. Preferably face to face. Phone may suffice but never text or e-mail.
Good one.
08/07/2010