Thanks Chilipepper. I'm sorry to hear that about your relationship. I don't see ours going that far but you never know. We do discuss it quite often and the other night I even convinced him to use some massage candle and the pleasure mitt. And we had a Uphoria too which neither one of us liked but at least he tried it! lol.

I want to start doing anal too which he seems VERY interested in. So I think that will lead to using more toys. We shall see.

I wonder if he would benefit from having some toys of his own? To see that they are different from real person sex, and not a replacement of. It might just be fear of the unknown.

That's funny! My wife hates the toys I bought her! Inverse situation here...

I bought some toys for her, to give her more sexual experiences and variety, esp since I have been her 'one and only'. Only she doesn't seem to really want them, but does tolerate 1 with oral.

So you and I are in the same boat in a way. I may have to give some or most of the toys away because they are sitting there in the closet- unloved.

Just some 2cents about it:
Because he is your husband I would probably communicate with him. First I would do some introspection yourself: why are they important to you? Is you sexual hunger greater than his? Are they helpful to you due to convenience? Do they give you something he lacks? Do you use them out of habit? Is he ultraconservative with sex? Jealous? lots to think about! Put the pieces from his previous reactions about them.

Probably don't want to pressure him with an ultimateum or into making any kind of decision. This will probably be a process.

My wife tolerates using 1 of them and but does so with eyes rolled. She doesn't care if I have 1 or 1000 but will only use 1. I will have to respect her wishes because it is her body after all, and marriage is not based on sex alone. But I guess it is easier for me to deal with this because I feel that she is making the choice to not enjoy them, so I can't say I didn't try!

I bought him a masturbator and it has NEVER been used. Even when I offer to use it on him.

Lol. I will be more then happy to take those unloved toys off your hands trios

I definitely do not pressure him. That is a one way trip to him shutting down completely.

As far as myself the sex drive is and always has been huge. We had sex this morning and I'm already wanting it again. The toys are very convenient when he is not home (which is basically Mon- fri) He isn't conservative about sex. And if I get him to drink a few before we go at it his freaky side comes out some.

He once told me that an ex told him that she didn't need him because she had her toys. And it was a bad relationship filled with her cheating and all that crap. I think he is still dwelling on that and hopefully he will realize that using toys does not equal cheating. And I am not going to cheat just because I use toys. I know he use to be ok with them...and porn. And every now and then I can get him to watch porn but like you said...it is like he just tolerates it.

"He once told me that an ex told him that she didn't need him because she had her toys. And it was a bad relationship filled with her cheating and all that crap."

I'd say that that right there is the basis for his issue. Perhaps he should seek professional help?

Yes, my wife and I are mismatched as well.

Anyways, he probably associates the toys with his last relationship, like you mentioned. Probably best to de-associate them somehow. I am not a psychologist, but a relationship is Always a work in progress.

One quick idea is for him to eventually drive the toys and get involved with them, probably after he feels less threatened by them? Not sure if he is on 'alert', as may happen when an incident happens and he becomes suspicious. Maybe let things blow over so to speak?

Heya fabjennie!

Sorry to hear about your problems. I am not an expert, so I am not qualified to give advice. I just wanted to add a few thoughts.

Why is he taking them away from you? You are an adult eh? Obviously you are. Your not his child, your his wife. In my outlook on marriage (which is different from others, as is the case with a lot of people), Marriage is an equal partnership, one side shouldn't have complete control, and tell the other what he/she can or cannot do (there are circumstances that a side may say "Hey I am not cool with [enter subject here). Again this is this ones look on Marriage and is not accepted by everyone, there are different dynamics to everyones marriage. I am not married so I have no experience, just telling what I would like out of it.

Another thing I find funny, you said he takes them away from you, but you find them hidden? If he truly hated them and wanted them gone, would he not have destroyed them or thrown them in the garbage? Maybe he doesn't hate them as much as he lets on.

Good luck to you and I hope you both can settle this

Oh it was years ago when he took them away. And he probably didn't throw them out because he knew I would kill him. lol. It was when he moved in with me that I got them back and I have had them and added to them since then.

It's just so contradictory ...he is a very self confident man. Doesn't take any crap off of anyone and is all man...until it comes to this.

I do think it is carried over baggage from the ex though and that is what I have to work on. Although I don't feel like I should and he should just leave that where it is..the past but overall he is a great loving husband and father. And God knows he puts up with a lot more from me!! lol

I have to agree with Airen here. I know it might seem to be blowing the situation out of proportion but my not-so-sainted ex-husband started out with very similar insecurities (he hid my toys and then when I found and took them back, he broke them all, and also broke ones that had just come in the mail) and his behavior escalated to become very controlling and abusive. You may want to consult with a professional before things have a chance to get truly out of hand.

I second counseling not just for his insecurities but for some of the issues you have shown in this thread, too ("but I just don't get why he wants to pick THIS to be unhappy about." Because he woke up and decide to be insecure? I think not. This line of think is dangerous when it comes to relationships).

Well, I might not be your ex-husband but I think you deserve an apology for that so I am going to give you one!

I am sorry this happened for you

Awww, thanks Sweetie It's ok though - I got out safely, I have all the toys I want now, a much better man, and he has to spend the rest of his life knowing he lost me. That's more than enough for me.

I'm sorry this happened too. I've never had that happen but I did have one guy take all my toys and porn I had collected while with him because he said " He wasn't going to let me use them with anyone else" I had a massive porn collection and I still miss my Hitachi.

This is one of those sacred circle talking stick moments. I would suggest bringing it up in an after-glow moment. There could be a few things going on here:

~ He's uncomfortable because he isn't sure how he feels about something else penetrating you and more specifically if you are thinking about him or someone else while using the toy.

~ He could be uncomfortable at the level of arousal he feels at seeing you penetrated by something other than him.

~ He could simply not understand why toys are beneficial to play and how they inspire better sex instead of taking away from it.

~ It could be something entirely different and the only way you'll know is if you can get him to open up about it.

You'll have to amend your approach to when you think he is most open to discussing the issue and you have to be honest about how it makes you feel while allowing him to do exactly the same. It may take several conversations before it's resolved and that's ok. Without 100% honest, open communication it will never be resolved. Good luck!!

He is being ridiculous. Why did you guys not resolve this issue before you got married? Or before you continued dating for that matter? It is NOT cool that he took your things from you. That's great you found it hot...but really? Think about that... he takes things away from you that you enjoy? That is not healthy. I agree with Chillipepper...it is him. He is insecure and controlling and both of those things mixed are not good.

He checks up on your collection? You guess? Is there any communication here? You are absolutely right! You should have no reason to hide your things from your own damn husband. If he has a problem with them, he needs to talk to you about it. I would be buying a locking toy box if i were you. I don't care who the person is, they have no right to go through my things without my permission.

Have you explained these things to him? It is absolutely insecurity and you can't help him if he doesn't talk to you.

"I would be VERY unhappy without my toys"...Then do not let him throw them away or get rid of them for any reason. His behavior is uncalled for an immature. Again, I would be buying a locking box.

YES, tell him to fucking grow up and talk to you. It is NOT silly for you to fight for something that makes YOU happy.

Oh! I like the thought of doing it in the afterglow moment. I think that would be very productive! Thanks! Can;t believe I haven't tried that. lol

Lol LaUr3n..tell me how you really feel Kidding. i appreciate each and every one of you for your feedback.

I thought we had resolved it when we moved in together and it never really was brought up or seemed to be a problem until my collection started growing at a rapid pace. (Since August i started selling toys and also started reviewing for here so you can imagine how quickly I've accumulated products!) And oddly enough he has NO problem with me selling them and most of the time just laughs and shakes his head when I tell him (sarcastically) that it is my job and I owe it to my customers to try out the toys and give my honest opinion.. but for some reason last night he got grumpy about it again. And said that dreaded phrase that makes me look at him like he is fucking crazy..the whole you like them more then me.

I am getting a lock box but not really for that reason...I mean if he wanted to get rid of them he throw the whole box away anyways. My little one is getting a little too big for her britches and even though she knows she isn't allowed to go in mommy and daddy's room she sneaks sometimes.

Many moments of contention have been settled in after-glow. As much as it makes me want to gag all over the place, as Dr. Phil says "you gotta learn their language". I really hope it works. No one should have to go through this but each relationship has a certain level of comfort, he obviously is still holding onto past hurts and he sees it as a threat. Cliched, time heals all wounds.

Have you ever asked him if knowing when you are using them would turn him on, like if you sent a text to him saying hey can't wait for you to get home and while i'm waiting...[insert words here].

I haven't tried that but I imagine it would consist of eye rolling and head shaking. Lol

Ab-so-frickin-lutely. Well said.

What I have learned about toys and marriage in my short month here.

1. Husband hates that I masturbate, so I rarely do anymore, and if I do I try and do something to incorporate him (like make a video). He doesn't understand that I am not doing it just to get off. Part of it is that I'm rediscovering my own body and, in a way, taking it back (from rape/abuse), and enjoying it without having to "perform" for him. (which I don't, but I always feel bad if he's trying to accomplish a goal and it's not working... I like to be able to direct him better, which is another reason for my masturbating)

2. I realized that his biggest issue with my using toys on myself is that he wants to be a part of every sexual experience I have.

3. Getting him a sex toy let him see that my sex toys could never replace him, same as his could never replace me.

4. That ultimately, your marriage is far more important than a piece of silicone (or plastic, or steel, or glass) and that it deserves your utmost respect. Part of respecting your husband is sacrificing things.


I would highly HIGHLY recommend getting some counseling (if he never gets past the "you're just replacing me" argument) to get to the root of the problem. I realize it seems silly for him to react so strongly, but you have to remember that his feelings are just as valid as yours. There is a way to honor both party's feelings.

Maybe you could have phone sex with him on his lunch break from work while you use a toy? Maybe you and he can go through your toys and talk about what bothers him about them and what you can do (rationally and realistically) to make him more comfortable.