Husband & Toys: Embarrassed & Horrified! - Created by BoomersGirl on Jul 20, 2010: EdenFantasys Forum

P'Gell

Quote:

Originally posted by BoomersGirl

I am so embarrassed and horrified right now and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this.

A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children ... more

I am so embarrassed and horrified right now and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this.

A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children from my first marriage. Our marriage has been failing since before it started. He was nice to me until we bought a house together and I was pregnant with our first. I've gotten numb as far as my feelings for him. A few reasons: he was talking/texting with his ex wife behind my back and lying to me, but doesn't have time to text me; he tried to help her by co-signing to get a car loan for her (didn't go through); his family is mean and rude to me and he lets them, has never stood up for me and never will; and he is mean and hateful to me unless I go along with everything he says and don't have an opposing thought, opinion or feeling (or at least keep it bottled up).

Okay, so now on to last night. He has been mad at me (what else is new) and sleeping in our boys' room for the past couple nights. I'm stressed. Our sex life has been practically non-existant - I can't make myself want to anymore, so I avoid it as much as possible. There's no emotional bond there anymore, which is what I need. And physically, he's rough and sloppy and repetitive and boring. We have toys and have used toys and he seemed fine with them, even with me using vibrators or whatever on myself while we were intimate. The toys are in a drawer in the nightstand right beside our bed. I just got an Eroscillator a few weeks ago. Only got to use it a couple times, want to do a review on it, but wanted to try it more first and obviously trying it with him isnt' happening. So I waited til I thought he went to sleep, plugged it in and he walked in. I dropped it and it went between the bed and stand. He somehow knew that's what I was up to and totally flipped out. He came back in a couple more times yelling til he determined what toy I had out and completely just said everything he could to make me feel like the biggest idiot alive.

Some things he said:
I'm a "info" - He meant nympho - he's not the brightest crayon in the box.
I'm disgusting (said this NUMEROUS times).
This is the only reason I wanted toys - I'm sick (also called me that a number of times) because I wait til no one is around and then &^%* with myself.
He's going to tell my mother about my toys and what I do (I'm in my late 30's for Heaven's sake).
I'm a hypocrite because I go to church (and I guess Christian's don't do stuff like that). He denies that he ever does, like I'm stupid.
He should break it - he did throw it, but it didn't break.
Everything that is wrong with our marriage is my fault.

I know I'm going to throw away all the stuff we never use - including books I had bought to try and help out. I'll keep the few items that I really like and box them up and put them somewhere. The thought of being around him makes me literally nauseaus.

He made me feel like the lowest, most disgusting pervert on the planet. Plus he was standing in the doorway and my daughter's room is right there and I know she could hear everything he said (she's 11 so had to have some idea of what he was talking about). I am so embarrassed. How in the world do I handle it because I can't even look him in the face now. I really just feel like I hate him and there is no hope for things to ever get better and I'm totally stuck. I don't know what to do... less

Honey, I am SO sorry he is treating you so badly. This is emotional and verbal abuse, and the throwing of the toy can be seen as violent! WTF is wrong with him? (I know you don't know. It just pisses me off.) He won't have sex with you, but he get angry when you NEED to please yourself?

Honey, this is a bad situation, I don't want this to turn violent. Can you get some EMERGENCY therapy, STAT? Call a local hospital (you do NOT have to go into detail about the toys) just the verbal abuse, the throwing of objects the verbal humiliation and let them know you are afraid he might get violent. Because, that is the next thing on the spectrum for this kind of behavior.

Can you take your kids and go somewhere SAFE for a few days? It doesn't mean the marriage is over (if it is worth saving) but, he needs to cool off and you and your children need to feel safe. The threatening is just infantile, and the angry near violence made my tummy hurt to read.

YOU ARE NOT A PERVERT nor are your "disgusting." You are a healthy normal woman with a healthy normal appetite for sex, and there is NOTHING WRONG with masturbation, either with a toy or whatever works for you.

He took the first thing he could think of to WOUND you as deeply as possible, he chose the toy, because he has been withholding sex, like an immature 16 year old girl, and then when you were vulnerable, he attacks the thing that, at that moment, was on your mind and he KNEW would hurt the most.

This is mean, despicable behavior and therapy is needed. If he won't go, go alone. A lot of good can come from even individual therapy, when a relationship goes sour.

Call the local hospital and ask for the Domestic Violence Hot Line and talk to someone there. Let them know you have small children and your husband is getting violent. DO NOT let this go, hoping it will go away on it's own. If he won't go to therapy, too bad for him, but YOU can help yourself by doing so.

Has he had a relationship like this before? I know you've said his family has a lot of control over him. Has he let them "stop" him from becoming intimate with women before? Do they disrespect women on a general basis? Do they play into the "Madonna-Whore" complex, where women are thought of as either sex partners (whores) or virginal mothers (Madonnas) and the two are never the same women? Did this shit start either when you were pregnant or right after the baby was born? Was your first husband similar (meaning your might feel things will "work themselves out" and tend to be TOO forgiving and not stand up for yourself, thinking "it'll be OK, if I don't say anything?") There are some issues here and even if HE won't go to therapy YOU need to work this stuff out for yourself.

Good luck and Blessings, sweetheart. You don't deserve this, and your kids don't deserve to see you treated this way, nor do they deserve to be scared (which they probably are, even if they say nothing about it. Kids know.)

Reply

07/20/2010

LiftedUp

Well said, and great advice P'Gell.

BoomersGirl,
P'Gell was absolutely correct, in that you DON'T deserve this. Nobody does. It sounds to me like the 2 of you need to find a mediated, controlled, and SAFE environment to reestablish some communication. It is evident that you BOTH have some pent up thoughts and feelings, that you are unable to express to each other due to your respective overwhelming emotions. However, him handling things this way is infantile, and unacceptable. Hurling objects is a definite rage problem, and hurling insults is a definite issue with insecurity. Cutting someone else down (your spouse none-the-less) to make yourself feel "big" is just disgusting and dysfunctional to me. The thought turns my stomach, and I can't imagine ever even raising my voice to me wife!

Just know that you are important, you have worth, and you are not alone. You do have options in this situation, and if you are willing things can get better... but it's not always easy.

Best of luck.

Reply

07/20/2010

fatesrelease

I would really look into couple counseling if you REALLY want to stay with your husband. He seems like a horrible person to you and really isn't treating you how you should be treated. Personally I think people CAN change, but when peoples actions are this ingrained it's usually hard to change. I would seriously consider leaving your husband. When people get that angry about small things and say horrible things to you they are not worth it and they could go further than just yelling hurtful things to you. I think it is in the best interest for you to get your children out of that poisonous environment before someone gets hurt more so than you have already. I've had to deal with an abusive relationship before. Now that that person is out of my life I am so much happier and my life is better because I had to make that hard (or not so hard) decision of cutting them out of my life.
Good luck, and if you need to chat ever don't be afraid to message me!
Sending good thoughts your way *hugs*

Reply

07/20/2010

PassionQT

Quote:

Originally posted by P'Gell

Honey, I am SO sorry he is treating you so badly. This is emotional and verbal abuse, and the throwing of the toy can be seen as violent! WTF is wrong with him? (I know you don't know. It just pisses me off.) He won't have sex with you, but ... more

Honey, I am SO sorry he is treating you so badly. This is emotional and verbal abuse, and the throwing of the toy can be seen as violent! WTF is wrong with him? (I know you don't know. It just pisses me off.) He won't have sex with you, but he get angry when you NEED to please yourself?

Honey, this is a bad situation, I don't want this to turn violent. Can you get some EMERGENCY therapy, STAT? Call a local hospital (you do NOT have to go into detail about the toys) just the verbal abuse, the throwing of objects the verbal humiliation and let them know you are afraid he might get violent. Because, that is the next thing on the spectrum for this kind of behavior.

Can you take your kids and go somewhere SAFE for a few days? It doesn't mean the marriage is over (if it is worth saving) but, he needs to cool off and you and your children need to feel safe. The threatening is just infantile, and the angry near violence made my tummy hurt to read.

YOU ARE NOT A PERVERT nor are your "disgusting." You are a healthy normal woman with a healthy normal appetite for sex, and there is NOTHING WRONG with masturbation, either with a toy or whatever works for you.

He took the first thing he could think of to WOUND you as deeply as possible, he chose the toy, because he has been withholding sex, like an immature 16 year old girl, and then when you were vulnerable, he attacks the thing that, at that moment, was on your mind and he KNEW would hurt the most.

This is mean, despicable behavior and therapy is needed. If he won't go, go alone. A lot of good can come from even individual therapy, when a relationship goes sour.

Call the local hospital and ask for the Domestic Violence Hot Line and talk to someone there. Let them know you have small children and your husband is getting violent. DO NOT let this go, hoping it will go away on it's own. If he won't go to therapy, too bad for him, but YOU can help yourself by doing so.

Has he had a relationship like this before? I know you've said his family has a lot of control over him. Has he let them "stop" him from becoming intimate with women before? Do they disrespect women on a general basis? Do they play into the "Madonna-Whore" complex, where women are thought of as either sex partners (whores) or virginal mothers (Madonnas) and the two are never the same women? Did this shit start either when you were pregnant or right after the baby was born? Was your first husband similar (meaning your might feel things will "work themselves out" and tend to be TOO forgiving and not stand up for yourself, thinking "it'll be OK, if I don't say anything?") There are some issues here and even if HE won't go to therapy YOU need to work this stuff out for yourself.

Good luck and Blessings, sweetheart. You don't deserve this, and your kids don't deserve to see you treated this way, nor do they deserve to be scared (which they probably are, even if they say nothing about it. Kids know.) less

I agree.

Abusive relationships don't have to be physical. The emotional ones qualify too. I was in one, I left before it got physical and it would have. I thought he'd take care of me. He put taking care of HIS needs first. And he was not a good lover. Terrible in fact, but he would force me to have sex with him to compensate for it. It disgusts me to this day how I put up with that for 2 years. We did counseling together, then separately, and that is when the counselor said "get out, now". I heeded her advice and ran like the dickens and never looked back. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. I now have a wonderful husband who is respectful and loving, and although he too came from a dysfunctional family just like my ex, he turned out OK.

Please get help, for yourself, for your children. Perhaps that will be the wake up call he needs to change, if he can. You are in my thoughts.

Reply

07/20/2010

David88

I gotta agree, some counseling and possibly even some time apart may be in order. Unless he has no sex drive, he's probably doing things apart from you as well plus you have a need that's not being met and using a toy (not another person) to meet that need is well within reason in my opinion. I'll be praying for your marriage. By the way, anytime anybody says everything is your fault that's totally bull. In marriage everything is 50/50 so don't let him make you think this is all your fault.

Reply

07/20/2010

Judy Cole

A man who is jealous of a sex toy has inadequacy issues. He can't please you and he's aware of it. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts accusing you of cheating on him, even if nothing could be further from the truth.

You've gotten some really good advice here. If you don't seek counseling together, try to get some for yourself. It's not for anyone to tell you to walk away, but if that's what it comes to, there's no shame in asking for help. Do what you need to do to cover yourself both emotionally and legally. Whatever you decide, your first priority has to be keeping yourself and your children safe.

And if you do decide to leave, try not to make it about blame. If you went into it for the wrong reasons, or it went south, or even if he's the biggest douchebag to ever walk the face of the earth, you have kids together, so try to keep it civil, because chances are he will still be in your life no matter what.

Reply

07/20/2010

Envy

Ouch, I'm real sorry this is happening. I think you guys should go for counseling, but if it's too far down the crapper, then you need to get your kids and split, pronto. Verbal abuse could easily turn physical (especially since he's grabbing and throwing things) and that's the LAST thin you or your kinds need to be in.

And remember, NOTHING is your fault.

Reply

07/20/2010

kck

Quote:

Originally posted by P'Gell

Honey, I am SO sorry he is treating you so badly. This is emotional and verbal abuse, and the throwing of the toy can be seen as violent! WTF is wrong with him? (I know you don't know. It just pisses me off.) He won't have sex with you, but ... more

Honey, I am SO sorry he is treating you so badly. This is emotional and verbal abuse, and the throwing of the toy can be seen as violent! WTF is wrong with him? (I know you don't know. It just pisses me off.) He won't have sex with you, but he get angry when you NEED to please yourself?

Honey, this is a bad situation, I don't want this to turn violent. Can you get some EMERGENCY therapy, STAT? Call a local hospital (you do NOT have to go into detail about the toys) just the verbal abuse, the throwing of objects the verbal humiliation and let them know you are afraid he might get violent. Because, that is the next thing on the spectrum for this kind of behavior.

Can you take your kids and go somewhere SAFE for a few days? It doesn't mean the marriage is over (if it is worth saving) but, he needs to cool off and you and your children need to feel safe. The threatening is just infantile, and the angry near violence made my tummy hurt to read.

YOU ARE NOT A PERVERT nor are your "disgusting." You are a healthy normal woman with a healthy normal appetite for sex, and there is NOTHING WRONG with masturbation, either with a toy or whatever works for you.

He took the first thing he could think of to WOUND you as deeply as possible, he chose the toy, because he has been withholding sex, like an immature 16 year old girl, and then when you were vulnerable, he attacks the thing that, at that moment, was on your mind and he KNEW would hurt the most.

This is mean, despicable behavior and therapy is needed. If he won't go, go alone. A lot of good can come from even individual therapy, when a relationship goes sour.

Call the local hospital and ask for the Domestic Violence Hot Line and talk to someone there. Let them know you have small children and your husband is getting violent. DO NOT let this go, hoping it will go away on it's own. If he won't go to therapy, too bad for him, but YOU can help yourself by doing so.

Has he had a relationship like this before? I know you've said his family has a lot of control over him. Has he let them "stop" him from becoming intimate with women before? Do they disrespect women on a general basis? Do they play into the "Madonna-Whore" complex, where women are thought of as either sex partners (whores) or virginal mothers (Madonnas) and the two are never the same women? Did this shit start either when you were pregnant or right after the baby was born? Was your first husband similar (meaning your might feel things will "work themselves out" and tend to be TOO forgiving and not stand up for yourself, thinking "it'll be OK, if I don't say anything?") There are some issues here and even if HE won't go to therapy YOU need to work this stuff out for yourself.

Good luck and Blessings, sweetheart. You don't deserve this, and your kids don't deserve to see you treated this way, nor do they deserve to be scared (which they probably are, even if they say nothing about it. Kids know.) less

Agreed.

And if he's not willing to seek help for himself or for your sake or for your children's sake, then he is (in my opinion) not worth it.

Know that you are not any of those things that he called you. Know that you are a strong woman, and he cannot bring you down. He's probably said all of those things so that you feel beneath him; this makes it easier for him to control you. Don't let him do that to you or to your children. You all deserve better.

Seek help, or seek a way out.

I'll pray for you, sweetie. You're in my thoughts

Reply

07/20/2010

Jessica Elizabeth

I agree with everyone. He is getting violent. Having been verbally abused myself, it's terrible and hurts more than it seems to at first. The things he said are vile, terrible and un-true.

The safety of you and your children is paramount here. If he's throwing an eroscillator around...that could really damage something or worse, someone! Not to mention if he goes into one of those..rages again, what could he throw next?

There are many helplines you can call to talk to someone, and having worked in one for 2 years, they really can help! Please seek help ASAP, not only for you, but for your children.

Reply

07/20/2010

Tori Rebel

Quote:

Originally posted by Envy

Ouch, I'm real sorry this is happening. I think you guys should go for counseling, but if it's too far down the crapper, then you need to get your kids and split, pronto. Verbal abuse could easily turn physical (especially since he's ... more

I have to agree with Goth based on personal experience. My oh-so-lovely ex-husband definitely sold himself off as a man that he wasn't, and once I said "I do" he became a different person. He would break my toys in half, soak them in water, throw them away when I wasn't home, etc. He had issues with my sexuality that he didn't have until I WAS his wife, and his verbal abuse and passive aggressive destruction of my toys turned all too quickly into violence and physical abuse. If you want to try and fix it, I wish you all the best, especially for the sake of your kids. But unfortunately sometimes behavior patterns like that can't be changed and it might be best to try and make a fresh start for yourself and provide a better life for your children. Good luck and my heart goes out to you!!!

Reply

07/20/2010

Airen Wolf

(EF Review Program Mentor)

Quote:

Originally posted by BoomersGirl

I am so embarrassed and horrified right now and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this.

A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children ... more

I am so embarrassed and horrified right now and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this.

A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children from my first marriage. Our marriage has been failing since before it started. He was nice to me until we bought a house together and I was pregnant with our first. I've gotten numb as far as my feelings for him. A few reasons: he was talking/texting with his ex wife behind my back and lying to me, but doesn't have time to text me; he tried to help her by co-signing to get a car loan for her (didn't go through); his family is mean and rude to me and he lets them, has never stood up for me and never will; and he is mean and hateful to me unless I go along with everything he says and don't have an opposing thought, opinion or feeling (or at least keep it bottled up).

Okay, so now on to last night. He has been mad at me (what else is new) and sleeping in our boys' room for the past couple nights. I'm stressed. Our sex life has been practically non-existant - I can't make myself want to anymore, so I avoid it as much as possible. There's no emotional bond there anymore, which is what I need. And physically, he's rough and sloppy and repetitive and boring. We have toys and have used toys and he seemed fine with them, even with me using vibrators or whatever on myself while we were intimate. The toys are in a drawer in the nightstand right beside our bed. I just got an Eroscillator a few weeks ago. Only got to use it a couple times, want to do a review on it, but wanted to try it more first and obviously trying it with him isnt' happening. So I waited til I thought he went to sleep, plugged it in and he walked in. I dropped it and it went between the bed and stand. He somehow knew that's what I was up to and totally flipped out. He came back in a couple more times yelling til he determined what toy I had out and completely just said everything he could to make me feel like the biggest idiot alive.

Some things he said:
I'm a "info" - He meant nympho - he's not the brightest crayon in the box.
I'm disgusting (said this NUMEROUS times).
This is the only reason I wanted toys - I'm sick (also called me that a number of times) because I wait til no one is around and then &^%* with myself.
He's going to tell my mother about my toys and what I do (I'm in my late 30's for Heaven's sake).
I'm a hypocrite because I go to church (and I guess Christian's don't do stuff like that). He denies that he ever does, like I'm stupid.
He should break it - he did throw it, but it didn't break.
Everything that is wrong with our marriage is my fault.

I know I'm going to throw away all the stuff we never use - including books I had bought to try and help out. I'll keep the few items that I really like and box them up and put them somewhere. The thought of being around him makes me literally nauseaus.

He made me feel like the lowest, most disgusting pervert on the planet. Plus he was standing in the doorway and my daughter's room is right there and I know she could hear everything he said (she's 11 so had to have some idea of what he was talking about). I am so embarrassed. How in the world do I handle it because I can't even look him in the face now. I really just feel like I hate him and there is no hope for things to ever get better and I'm totally stuck. I don't know what to do... less

I think you'll find that the folks here are equally horrified and embarrassed FOR you, this situation is intolerable.
You need help, Honey, no question about it. There are many avenues to seek help and if it were me I'd start with my church, unless your husband is a deacon or a pillar of said church there will be someone who can help. A minister can be a valuable asset. Talk and keep talking...if the violence escalates call the police, AND KEEP CALLING THEM. You need documented evidence of abuse to fully get away. If you feel physically threatened grab what you can carry, you kids, leave, and call a domestic abuse hotline: link This is a national abuse website and has a quick escape function that will allow you to keep secret what you are doing for your safety. According to the site you might be in an abusive relationship if you answer yes to even ONE of these questions! (Keeping in mind the might because there are elements of these things in every relationship but not every relationship is abusive)
Does your partner:
Embarrass you with put-downs?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
Make all of the decisions?
Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
Force you to try and drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?

So you can see that even if you aren't in immediate danger you need help and fast. Things don't get better on their own and his family is feeding his delusion. One thing you can do is talk to your Mother and let her know what he is doing in graphic detail. It could derail one of his planned punishments. You are an ADULT afterall and even she should be made aware of this. if it burns a bridge with her then at least it will take away some of the power he feels he has!

I do hope you get help for yourself and your children. You can't avoid this situation in the future if you don;t resolve why you chose this loser in the first place. You can't teach your babies to avoid this situation for the same reason. You don't want to repeat this cycle but I know how hard it is to think your way out. I hope the website helps...you are no "info" *eye rolls* and you deserve better.

Reply

07/22/2010

Misfit Momma

I am so sorry for you. He sounds to be a lot like my husband, I have learned to hide certain things and keep my mouth shut at certain times but we really shouldn't have to be doing this on an every day basis. It isn't fair for us or our children and is very hard to deal with at times.

You are not disgusting, or sick and when he is throwing your things around and calling you names then obviously your problems are NOT all your fault. Please don't be embarrassed. You shouldn't have to hide or throw away your toys for him. This will likely tell him that you will bend over at his will and could very likely open up a whole new slew of demands that will further belittle or embarrass you.

Everyone above me has given great advice and I wish you the best of luck with whatever you choose to do. I often wish it was just as easy as getting up and leaving.

Reply

07/26/2010

Jenn (aka kissmykitty)

(EdenFantasys)

Quote:

Originally posted by BoomersGirl

I am so embarrassed and horrified right now and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this.

A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children ... more

I am so embarrassed and horrified right now and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this.

A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children from my first marriage. Our marriage has been failing since before it started. He was nice to me until we bought a house together and I was pregnant with our first. I've gotten numb as far as my feelings for him. A few reasons: he was talking/texting with his ex wife behind my back and lying to me, but doesn't have time to text me; he tried to help her by co-signing to get a car loan for her (didn't go through); his family is mean and rude to me and he lets them, has never stood up for me and never will; and he is mean and hateful to me unless I go along with everything he says and don't have an opposing thought, opinion or feeling (or at least keep it bottled up).

Okay, so now on to last night. He has been mad at me (what else is new) and sleeping in our boys' room for the past couple nights. I'm stressed. Our sex life has been practically non-existant - I can't make myself want to anymore, so I avoid it as much as possible. There's no emotional bond there anymore, which is what I need. And physically, he's rough and sloppy and repetitive and boring. We have toys and have used toys and he seemed fine with them, even with me using vibrators or whatever on myself while we were intimate. The toys are in a drawer in the nightstand right beside our bed. I just got an Eroscillator a few weeks ago. Only got to use it a couple times, want to do a review on it, but wanted to try it more first and obviously trying it with him isnt' happening. So I waited til I thought he went to sleep, plugged it in and he walked in. I dropped it and it went between the bed and stand. He somehow knew that's what I was up to and totally flipped out. He came back in a couple more times yelling til he determined what toy I had out and completely just said everything he could to make me feel like the biggest idiot alive.

Some things he said:
I'm a "info" - He meant nympho - he's not the brightest crayon in the box.
I'm disgusting (said this NUMEROUS times).
This is the only reason I wanted toys - I'm sick (also called me that a number of times) because I wait til no one is around and then &^%* with myself.
He's going to tell my mother about my toys and what I do (I'm in my late 30's for Heaven's sake).
I'm a hypocrite because I go to church (and I guess Christian's don't do stuff like that). He denies that he ever does, like I'm stupid.
He should break it - he did throw it, but it didn't break.
Everything that is wrong with our marriage is my fault.

I know I'm going to throw away all the stuff we never use - including books I had bought to try and help out. I'll keep the few items that I really like and box them up and put them somewhere. The thought of being around him makes me literally nauseaus.

He made me feel like the lowest, most disgusting pervert on the planet. Plus he was standing in the doorway and my daughter's room is right there and I know she could hear everything he said (she's 11 so had to have some idea of what he was talking about). I am so embarrassed. How in the world do I handle it because I can't even look him in the face now. I really just feel like I hate him and there is no hope for things to ever get better and I'm totally stuck. I don't know what to do... less

This man sounds abusive, and if your marriage has been failing from the start, why are you still with him? You deserve better, as do your children.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I hope you do what you can to get out of it.

Reply

07/28/2010

AU

If you truly want to stay with this man, I strongly urge couples counseling. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to change and that means you have to be miserable or have to learn to deal with it. I understand if he was a little upset. Some people just feel uncomfortable with their spouses masturbating. We have an agreement in our house to resist it. But it really doesn't hurt anyone to masturbate, use toys. I don't see how it is immoral. How is it? Because your husband finds it distasteful? Where in the Bible does it speak against a spouse pleasuring herself? I cannot imagine Jesus throwing such a fit if one of his disciples got caught masturbating! This man sounds eerily similar to a man my friend used to be married to. He would threaten to tattle on his wife to her parents, he would throw stuff. He was like a giant, mean baby after they settled down. He didn't want counseling, he wanted control! They divorced--and it was messy--but she's put all of that behind her and is with someone kinder. She is happier than I've ever seen her in my 15 years of knowing her. I strongly recommend counseling for you both or you at least. Or separation. Separating may hurt, but consider--could you someday be much happier afterward? Do you realistically see your relationship improving? Last night, my significant other seen your story when I left the room--and he, too, was shocked by what he read. We wish you the very, very best. I think that you could be happier, please work towards your happiness.

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07/30/2010

ScottA

Your husband is emotionally cheating on you at the very least, and he is abusive. You need to have a plan and support. Ask yourself how many of his marriage vows to you is he keeping right now?

You mentioned Christian - are you a member of a church? If so, and if they will support you (some churches tend to take a hands-off, you're married stay with it view but many will help) draw them into it. Is your husband also a Christian (Christian as opposed to merely attending church)? If so then you'll hopefully have some leverage there, if not then remember that Paul notes that an unbelieving spouse who abandons the marriage is a valid reason for divorce (if necessary), and at this point your husband has abandoned the marriage. Perhaps he will come back.

Have a plan, get support, and be prepared to leave and take the kids with you (if neceesary) until your husband demonstrates that he is committed to the marriage - sometimes that kind of leverage is necessary, either to force a change or to keep you and your family safe.

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08/01/2010

Owl Identified

HE is the one that is disgusting, by treating another human being like a dog that did something bad like chew on a shoe or something, and then bringing his CHILDREN into it by being abusive and awful to their mother in front of them. If there is anyone that needs to evaluate their faith and look to their god for answers, it's him, NOT you.

I agree with most of the above statements. Get the hell away from him, he's vile. You, on the other hand? Are an awesome person for being able to come here and talk about this stuff, and I really admire your courage. Get away from him, for yourself and for your children. None of you need or deserve this.

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08/01/2010

Sir

Quote:

Originally posted by Owl Identified

HE is the one that is disgusting, by treating another human being like a dog that did something bad like chew on a shoe or something, and then bringing his CHILDREN into it by being abusive and awful to their mother in front of them. If there is ... more

I agree with this.

But I will also say, if you decide to leave him, take the kids with you. I hope that you will, because they cannot live with a person like that if he really thinks in such a way.

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08/01/2010

BoomersGirl

Thank you all so much for responding and for the advice. I was in a marriage for 15 years that was similar in some ways. Finally got out of that one only to get in a worse one.

Update: I'm so stuck. I have 6 kids - 2 of which are with him. He has threatened that he will fight to take them if I leave. And his family has money - not sure if they would help him or not. We have a home not worth what we owe because of the economy. I would have no place to go. My dad is abusive and taking the kids there would be worse than where they are. I have no friends, no other family. No place is going to rent to someone with 6 kids (plus I can't leave the cats and dogs). I can't afford the bills on my own. Not even close to it.

Things aren't great and I don't think they ever will be. If I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything or disagree with him, at least things are quiet. We have virtually no emotional bond left - he destroyed that long ago. I can't talk to him. You know the story - hindsight is 20/20. I gave up being myself because that's not who he wants. His family are all rude, loud, foul-mouthed psychotic people. His exes were the same. I'm not like that. I don't fit in. Never will. Don't want to.

It sucks because I'm lonely and I'm worn down. I have the kids and my mom and no one else in the world. I only hope I can teach my kids not to make the same mistakes I've made.

Yes, we do go to church. We've been going for quite awhile - to the church my mom goes to down by where I used to live before I got with him and he insisted we move. I thought it would help, but it didn't. At least it didn't help our marriage. But at least it helped me to know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that this life isn't all we have (that would be so depressing)! I'm just kind of hanging in there and doing the best I can. But thanks to everyone here!

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08/02/2010

ScottA

Quote:

Originally posted by BoomersGirl

Thank you all so much for responding and for the advice. I was in a marriage for 15 years that was similar in some ways. Finally got out of that one only to get in a worse one.

Update: I'm so stuck. I have 6 kids - 2 of which are with him. ... more

Thank you all so much for responding and for the advice. I was in a marriage for 15 years that was similar in some ways. Finally got out of that one only to get in a worse one.

Update: I'm so stuck. I have 6 kids - 2 of which are with him. He has threatened that he will fight to take them if I leave. And his family has money - not sure if they would help him or not. We have a home not worth what we owe because of the economy. I would have no place to go. My dad is abusive and taking the kids there would be worse than where they are. I have no friends, no other family. No place is going to rent to someone with 6 kids (plus I can't leave the cats and dogs). I can't afford the bills on my own. Not even close to it.

Things aren't great and I don't think they ever will be. If I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything or disagree with him, at least things are quiet. We have virtually no emotional bond left - he destroyed that long ago. I can't talk to him. You know the story - hindsight is 20/20. I gave up being myself because that's not who he wants. His family are all rude, loud, foul-mouthed psychotic people. His exes were the same. I'm not like that. I don't fit in. Never will. Don't want to.

It sucks because I'm lonely and I'm worn down. I have the kids and my mom and no one else in the world. I only hope I can teach my kids not to make the same mistakes I've made.

Yes, we do go to church. We've been going for quite awhile - to the church my mom goes to down by where I used to live before I got with him and he insisted we move. I thought it would help, but it didn't. At least it didn't help our marriage. But at least it helped me to know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that this life isn't all we have (that would be so depressing)! I'm just kind of hanging in there and doing the best I can. But thanks to everyone here! less

Get support and document everything he does that is or could be considered emotionally or physically abusive or otherwise could be used if necessary in a divorce proceeding. Get witnesses if possible, call it into the police if nothing else. Get in contact with one of the resources for abused spouses now - don't wait they'll help you personally and with this situation. They know what to do and will help. It sounds as though your husband has abandoned the marriage and things could get much worse, so start protecting yourself and your children.

If your church doesn't support you then look around for another church. The last thing you need right now is disapproval from that sector. I've seen it happen for various reasons: some churches think that you should stick it out and hope for a miracle (at this point you're putting your safety in danger, so the answer is NO) and at other churches the spouse has managed to convince everyone that they're this wonderful person. In either case you don't need and shouldn't have to deal with that. Go somewhere where you have support.

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08/02/2010

Victoria

Quote:

Originally posted by Judy Cole

A man who is jealous of a sex toy has inadequacy issues. He can't please you and he's aware of it. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts accusing you of cheating on him, even if nothing could be further from the truth.

You've ... more

Great advice, Judy - I totally agree!

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08/02/2010

Ciao.

I definitely concur that you're being emotionally abused here. Your husband seems like he has a lot of anger that he is displacing on you and that's not healthy. Your choice to play with yourself isn't wrong, sick, or dirty...and your husbands attitude towards it suggests that he doesn't want to see you happy or satisfied. Honestly, I can understand your reasons not to leave right now, children definitely make that a complex situation...but you need to do something.

I would strongly advise some couples counseling, try and find some people either through church or anything else that can support you and offer you a safe space if you need it. If you don't have a supportive family and no friends to turn to you will be in a really rough spot if things don't improve.

If your husband is not willing to enter into some therapy/counseling with you and is unwilling to treat you with respect and care then honestly I see no other option than to leave. Is a household where you are verbally abused, and physically and emotionally disconnected from your husband the place where you want your children growing up? Relationships can be tough, but you should never have to compromise on respect. If you're living in fear and shame then it is time to make some changes or get out, for your sake and your children.

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08/02/2010

P'Gell

Quote:

Originally posted by BoomersGirl

Thank you all so much for responding and for the advice. I was in a marriage for 15 years that was similar in some ways. Finally got out of that one only to get in a worse one.

Update: I'm so stuck. I have 6 kids - 2 of which are with him. ... more

Thank you all so much for responding and for the advice. I was in a marriage for 15 years that was similar in some ways. Finally got out of that one only to get in a worse one.

Update: I'm so stuck. I have 6 kids - 2 of which are with him. He has threatened that he will fight to take them if I leave. And his family has money - not sure if they would help him or not. We have a home not worth what we owe because of the economy. I would have no place to go. My dad is abusive and taking the kids there would be worse than where they are. I have no friends, no other family. No place is going to rent to someone with 6 kids (plus I can't leave the cats and dogs). I can't afford the bills on my own. Not even close to it.

Things aren't great and I don't think they ever will be. If I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything or disagree with him, at least things are quiet. We have virtually no emotional bond left - he destroyed that long ago. I can't talk to him. You know the story - hindsight is 20/20. I gave up being myself because that's not who he wants. His family are all rude, loud, foul-mouthed psychotic people. His exes were the same. I'm not like that. I don't fit in. Never will. Don't want to.

It sucks because I'm lonely and I'm worn down. I have the kids and my mom and no one else in the world. I only hope I can teach my kids not to make the same mistakes I've made.

Yes, we do go to church. We've been going for quite awhile - to the church my mom goes to down by where I used to live before I got with him and he insisted we move. I thought it would help, but it didn't. At least it didn't help our marriage. But at least it helped me to know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that this life isn't all we have (that would be so depressing)! I'm just kind of hanging in there and doing the best I can. But thanks to everyone here! less

Honey, even if leaving isn't an option (and for many women, particularly with kids, in this economy, it's recommended SO lightly, without people realizing that kids gotta eat and have a place to live and being a single mom is nearly impossible to a bunch of kids etc) If he won't go to therapy, GO ALONE!

Many years ago we were in a situation (different than yours, but still) where I went to therapy alone. It helped, even though I thought it wouldn't. Therapy can teach you NON Aggressive ways of communicating, but not just "shutting up" which will eventually leave you hollow and so lonely. Individual therapy is probably the best thing right now. If he won't pay for it, (do you have insurance, he may not even have to find out) then go to a Woman's Shelter (call your local hospital for info) and they can see you on a sliding scale.

There are ALWAYS options. There is no reason to stifle your personality and your thoughts due to this type of pressure. Individual therapy will give you tools to be yourself and learn to be happy and maybe he will even want to go eventually. Even if he doesn't you are improving yourself and that's always a good thing.

Reply

08/02/2010

Airen Wolf

(EF Review Program Mentor)

Quote:

Originally posted by BoomersGirl

Thank you all so much for responding and for the advice. I was in a marriage for 15 years that was similar in some ways. Finally got out of that one only to get in a worse one.

Update: I'm so stuck. I have 6 kids - 2 of which are with him. ... more

Thank you all so much for responding and for the advice. I was in a marriage for 15 years that was similar in some ways. Finally got out of that one only to get in a worse one.

Update: I'm so stuck. I have 6 kids - 2 of which are with him. He has threatened that he will fight to take them if I leave. And his family has money - not sure if they would help him or not. We have a home not worth what we owe because of the economy. I would have no place to go. My dad is abusive and taking the kids there would be worse than where they are. I have no friends, no other family. No place is going to rent to someone with 6 kids (plus I can't leave the cats and dogs). I can't afford the bills on my own. Not even close to it.

Things aren't great and I don't think they ever will be. If I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything or disagree with him, at least things are quiet. We have virtually no emotional bond left - he destroyed that long ago. I can't talk to him. You know the story - hindsight is 20/20. I gave up being myself because that's not who he wants. His family are all rude, loud, foul-mouthed psychotic people. His exes were the same. I'm not like that. I don't fit in. Never will. Don't want to.

It sucks because I'm lonely and I'm worn down. I have the kids and my mom and no one else in the world. I only hope I can teach my kids not to make the same mistakes I've made.

Yes, we do go to church. We've been going for quite awhile - to the church my mom goes to down by where I used to live before I got with him and he insisted we move. I thought it would help, but it didn't. At least it didn't help our marriage. But at least it helped me to know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that this life isn't all we have (that would be so depressing)! I'm just kind of hanging in there and doing the best I can. But thanks to everyone here! less

Get help anyway, stop excusing why you stay and get some help. You can get yourself well even in the middle of this chaos and that's what you need to do. Like ScottA says document everything, get witnesses. If it comes to it file police reports. Money doen't win custody cases, documented evidence does. There are plenty of people who are willing to help, the best and most positive help can be from other women who have survived and thrived after these situations. The pets you can replace, it's harsh but true. Clothes are replaceable, children are not. You have made bad mistake number two, do yourself and your children a favor and GET HELP to avoid replacing your father with another crass, abusive man who might not stop at throwing toys around.

One good thing to get the ball rolling as it were might be to change your screen name here at EF. If he's Boomer then choose to name yourself not be "his girl". It's a small step but it can help you take your self-hood back.

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08/15/2010

sexysweetieshan

It sounds like he's not worth staying with. For your sake and the kids. If he's verbally abusive and sounds like he could get violent, it may not be good for the kids to be around. That's just my opinion.

If you think he's worth staying around for, maybe you need to find a safe place as P'Gell said, and then try counseling. You don't want this to go any further and him be violent with you or your children.

No one should have to listen to verbal abuse. You are not disgusting. Not at all.

I hope things work out for you. I'm sorry you have to go through something like this. Just always remember to think about your kids well beings first.

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08/15/2010

Danielle1220

OMG this is awful. No man should ever treat you like that, especially your husband. I'm so sorry. It seems like you are at peace with the fact that the marriage is over, and thats a good thing. Don't let him make you feel bad. He's the one with the problem, not you.

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10/16/2010

Mr. John

Quote:

Originally posted by BoomersGirl

I am so embarrassed and horrified right now and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this.

A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children ... more

I am so embarrassed and horrified right now and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this.

A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children from my first marriage. Our marriage has been failing since before it started. He was nice to me until we bought a house together and I was pregnant with our first. I've gotten numb as far as my feelings for him. A few reasons: he was talking/texting with his ex wife behind my back and lying to me, but doesn't have time to text me; he tried to help her by co-signing to get a car loan for her (didn't go through); his family is mean and rude to me and he lets them, has never stood up for me and never will; and he is mean and hateful to me unless I go along with everything he says and don't have an opposing thought, opinion or feeling (or at least keep it bottled up).

Okay, so now on to last night. He has been mad at me (what else is new) and sleeping in our boys' room for the past couple nights. I'm stressed. Our sex life has been practically non-existant - I can't make myself want to anymore, so I avoid it as much as possible. There's no emotional bond there anymore, which is what I need. And physically, he's rough and sloppy and repetitive and boring. We have toys and have used toys and he seemed fine with them, even with me using vibrators or whatever on myself while we were intimate. The toys are in a drawer in the nightstand right beside our bed. I just got an Eroscillator a few weeks ago. Only got to use it a couple times, want to do a review on it, but wanted to try it more first and obviously trying it with him isnt' happening. So I waited til I thought he went to sleep, plugged it in and he walked in. I dropped it and it went between the bed and stand. He somehow knew that's what I was up to and totally flipped out. He came back in a couple more times yelling til he determined what toy I had out and completely just said everything he could to make me feel like the biggest idiot alive.

Some things he said:
I'm a "info" - He meant nympho - he's not the brightest crayon in the box.
I'm disgusting (said this NUMEROUS times).
This is the only reason I wanted toys - I'm sick (also called me that a number of times) because I wait til no one is around and then &^%* with myself.
He's going to tell my mother about my toys and what I do (I'm in my late 30's for Heaven's sake).
I'm a hypocrite because I go to church (and I guess Christian's don't do stuff like that). He denies that he ever does, like I'm stupid.
He should break it - he did throw it, but it didn't break.
Everything that is wrong with our marriage is my fault.

I know I'm going to throw away all the stuff we never use - including books I had bought to try and help out. I'll keep the few items that I really like and box them up and put them somewhere. The thought of being around him makes me literally nauseaus.

He made me feel like the lowest, most disgusting pervert on the planet. Plus he was standing in the doorway and my daughter's room is right there and I know she could hear everything he said (she's 11 so had to have some idea of what he was talking about). I am so embarrassed. How in the world do I handle it because I can't even look him in the face now. I really just feel like I hate him and there is no hope for things to ever get better and I'm totally stuck. I don't know what to do... less

I don't want to say leave him and don't look back, but I'm close to it. You deserve better. He's got issue's.

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04/07/2013

MasquedAngel

I am so sorry he said such hateful things to you! You definitely do not deserve to be treated that way! I hope he realizes he is in the wrong and apologizes! Sounds like he needs to grow up!

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04/08/2013

Kitten has left the site

Oh hun! I'm so sorry he's put you through that! You shouldn't have had to go through that ordeal at all! I hope he realizes later that what he did was terribly wrong.
I wish I could do more to help you!

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04/08/2013

Snozzberries

This post made me so sad.

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04/19/2013