Is There Hope, or am I Wasting My Time?

My wife and I have been together for 17 years, married almost 12 with two kids. Over the past few years, her interest in sex has declined significantly. She still enjoys it and initiates it, but she treats it like a chore. I don't know if the kids are wearing her out or if she's no longer attracted to me. She says it's not me--she doesn't feel motivated to have sex with anyone.

My guess is that her duties as mother absorb a lot of energy, and after 17 years, sex is getting a little stale. I should add that we are both in good shape and still have our looks. She's gained a few lbs, but is still very fit. Our equipment is compatible and in good working order.

To make things more varied and interesting, I have started purchasing toys--Magic Wand, Eroscillator, Vixskin Mustang, Jimmy Jane vibrators, etc. I have a Lonestar and a Colossus extender that I haven't pulled out yet.

So my question is: If my wife is just tired of me after all of these years, will the toys make it fun and interesting for her again, or is it completely hopeless?

She seems to enjoy the toys, but she won't give me much feedback. She's probably afraid to hurt my feelings. I'm hoping some of you here (especially the women) can help me understand how my wife feels about me and about the toys. I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I'm sensing that it may be futile. less

My wife and I have been together for 17 years, married almost 12 with two kids. Over the past few years, her interest in sex has declined significantly. She still enjoys it and initiates it, but she treats it like a chore. I don't know if the kids are wearing her out or if she's no longer attracted to me. She says it's not me--she doesn't feel motivated to have sex with anyone.

My guess is that her duties as mother absorb a lot of energy, and after 17 years, sex is getting a little stale. I should add that we are both in good shape and still have our looks. She's gained a few lbs, but is still very fit. Our equipment is compatible and in good working order.

To make things more varied and interesting, I have started purchasing toys--Magic Wand, Eroscillator, Vixskin Mustang, Jimmy Jane vibrators, etc. I have a Lonestar and a Colossus extender that I haven't pulled out yet.

So my question is: If my wife is just tired of me after all of these years, will the toys make it fun and interesting for her again, or is it completely hopeless?

She seems to enjoy the toys, but she won't give me much feedback. She's probably afraid to hurt my feelings. I'm hoping some of you here (especially the women) can help me understand how my wife feels about me and about the toys. I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I'm sensing that it may be futile. less

1. If you can afford it, a weekend away from the kids...without expectations of it being a "sex" weekend, may give her some needed rest and relaxation and rekindle her interest.

2. Once a week, "no kid" date nights can help.

3. Even better might be a week away (send the kids to the grandparents or to camp), or take a cruise or do a week alone get away, at least once a year. Even looking forward to it might help.

4. Have a good, really complete (hormone levels included) check up by her doctor. This may be a physical thing, not emotional.

5. Consider a couples therapist. Clergy, or marriage counseling, to get to the heart of the issue if everything else fails. Sometimes helping her find out what is going on can go far towards solving the problems in your bedroom and elsewhere in your home, if there are any issues.

Best wishes. less

Excellent questions—Thanks for taking this seriously and offering your opinions. Some comments on questions(in order asked):

-I don’t think she’s depressed, but she can get exhausted. The kids take a lot out of her, and she also runs 3-6 miles a few times a week and does some volunteer work. We do get time away from the kids, but not enough. It’s probably not as bad as I’m making it sound, and she says all of her friends feel the same way about their husbands. She says she still loves me very much; she just doesn’t get enough time for herself (although as a stay-at-home Mom, she has time for running, friends, volunteer work, and meeting me for lunch several times each week.)

-The quality of the relationship is good. We both feel that we are meant to be together. We seldom argue, and we share a ton of common interests. She’s not holding any grudges—I’d know. The life we have together is great. Maybe even annoyingly perfect. We are both very healthy, we have healthy kids, fulfilling friendships, hobbies we enjoy together. I am fortunate to own a very stable and profitable business, so we have no financial constraints.

-I had a vasectomy, so she’s been off the pill for about a year and a half. I help around the house quite a bit and keep the kids so she can do things with her friends. I try to make sex special and exciting. She does treat it like a transaction, although once we get going, she always seems to enjoy it. In fact, it’s not just a transaction—it’s like a weekly allocation. We have sex almost exactly once a week. I show her physical affection regularly—even when it’s clear we’re not going to have sex. She terms this as “needy” and either criticizes or tries to ignore me. I like to kiss, but she doesn’t, and she avoids kissing me mouth-to-mouth if she can. That stopped not long after marriage. Recently she was wasted at a dance club, and we made out like teenagers, but that doesn’t happen often. I love going down on her and often try, but she hates that and says it’s “creepy”. It’s been a long time, but I never got that reaction in my previous relationships. The toys are available, and I wish she’d use them, but I don’t think she does because they’re always exactly how I leave them.

-I never act like it’s a chore, and I almost always make sure she goes first. The weird thing is that she always asks for a “quickie”, and she complains to her friends that I like to drag it out too much. But she takes a while, so if it doesn’t go long, she’s not going to get off. It’s like she’s asking me to get off fast and leave her alone. But then once we start, she wants to get off. The magic wand has helped a lot in this department. For a while we were locked in this situation where she didn’t seem interested, so I assumed she was bored with the same old moves, so I’d try to switch things up and make it more exciting, but she just thought this was “creepy” and it turned her off. Finally, we had a discussion about this, which made her uncomfortable and didn’t really resolve anything. Her indifference does make me feel pressure to make it exciting, but she acts like that’s not what she wants. That’s the crux of the situation. I’m trying to spice things up. She’s acting like that’s hopeless, although I do think sex is a lot more fun with the toys. She’s enjoying them, and she seems to be having some amazing orgasms—the best in years.

Sorry, that’s way too much info, and this is turning into a therapy session. Bottom line: Ladies, if you were in my wife’s shoes, would you be glad that your husband is trying to spice things up with sex toys? Would it make you think less of him? Does it seem pathetic and sad? I think the toys are improving things, but it seems like that’s not what she wants… less

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I tried to get some communication going tonight, but got shot down (as usual). She insists "It's all good." I really think she is happy, and she loves our life together--she's just not sexually attracted to me any more. That's hard to take, but I guess it's the reality for most of the married world. Such strange creatures we are... less

NO..that is not "reality for the married world", nor should it be. Please do not accept that as an answer. It is, indeed, possible that she is not attracted to you sexually anymore, but if that is the case, you need to have a good marriage councilor find out why. If that is really the case, then you have to either resign yourself to a sexless marriage, or you have to decide that you gave it your best shot and move on to find happiness elsewhere. Obviously, despite her words, it is not "all good". She may be "happy and love your life together" but you are not. You are the perfect setup for an affair and heartbreak. Don't let it get there. Insist she get counseling with you on this. Tell her, honestly, that despite the fact she is happy, you are not. Be honest. You owe it to the both of you.

Seriously, good luck. less

I back this answer up again.

Definitely try to get a weekend away together. Even if it's just an hour away from home at a hotel. Go out to the movies, get her away from the kids, let her feel rejuvenated. Or even go as far as you take a day off of work and give her a spa day where she can go and relax at the spa for a day, no kids, no one else, but her. She would probably love it either way. Don't get too discouraged about it. less

NO..that is not "reality for the married world", nor should it be. Please do not accept that as an answer. It is, indeed, possible that she is not attracted to you sexually anymore, but if that is the case, you need to have a good marriage councilor find out why. If that is really the case, then you have to either resign yourself to a sexless marriage, or you have to decide that you gave it your best shot and move on to find happiness elsewhere. Obviously, despite her words, it is not "all good". She may be "happy and love your life together" but you are not. You are the perfect setup for an affair and heartbreak. Don't let it get there. Insist she get counseling with you on this. Tell her, honestly, that despite the fact she is happy, you are not. Be honest. You owe it to the both of you.

Seriously, good luck. less

My wife and I have been together for 17 years, married almost 12 with two kids. Over the past few years, her interest in sex has declined significantly. She still enjoys it and initiates it, but she treats it like a chore. I don't know if the kids are wearing her out or if she's no longer attracted to me. She says it's not me--she doesn't feel motivated to have sex with anyone.

My guess is that her duties as mother absorb a lot of energy, and after 17 years, sex is getting a little stale. I should add that we are both in good shape and still have our looks. She's gained a few lbs, but is still very fit. Our equipment is compatible and in good working order.

To make things more varied and interesting, I have started purchasing toys--Magic Wand, Eroscillator, Vixskin Mustang, Jimmy Jane vibrators, etc. I have a Lonestar and a Colossus extender that I haven't pulled out yet.

So my question is: If my wife is just tired of me after all of these years, will the toys make it fun and interesting for her again, or is it completely hopeless?

She seems to enjoy the toys, but she won't give me much feedback. She's probably afraid to hurt my feelings. I'm hoping some of you here (especially the women) can help me understand how my wife feels about me and about the toys. I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I'm sensing that it may be futile. less

I've screwed up now! Tonight I let her know that the situation has been eating at me. I really tried hard to get some communication going, but she insists that everything is great, but that I'm making trouble because I "need something to worry about." She insists that all of her friends feel the same way about their husbands, and I should just let it go. She says there's nothing I'm doing to annoy her or turn her off except for bringing this up. Then she said she's never been that affectionate, and that sometimes I "act like the woman in the relationship." I told her that's unhelpful and insulting--I try to be considerate and communicative, which is nothing to be ashamed of. She stormed off to the guest bedroom.

Bignuf, your comments speak to the broader reality of this situation. If my efforts to spice things up don't get anywhere, eventually I will stop trying. And when needs aren't met, temptation creeps in. I guess that's why I'm posting this the chat board of an online sex toy store. I assume there are lots of people here like me--looking for creative ways to keep things interesting. But we are trapped in a paradox. The old routine isn't sexy anymore, but introducing new things appears desperate, which is even less sexy. Talking about it is even worse--the least sexy thing in the world. It's a difficult minefield to navigate.

By the way, we are going on a 10-day trip without the kids in about two months. Hopefully she's not still bent out of shape... less

I've read this over and over a few times now and one thing that keeps sticking out to me is this:

"act like the woman in the relationship"

That's kind of a telling statement, don't you think? Perhaps that's where the problem really lies.

Think about it...she makes decisions all day long for everyone else that at the end of the day she may be tired of making decisions for herself as well. She could just be missing the power dynamic.

I'd back off of it for awhile. Don't press the issue and let your trip get close. Start talking about all of the non-sexual things you'll do on the trip and the things you'll be experiencing. Once you're there and a couple of days into it, she may be more relaxed and open to hearing your side of things. less

Don't give up on her or on yourself. Im thinking it may just be menopause..im going through the same thing here with my wife. The exact things you mentioned are happening here. Just give it awhile and your sex life will be okay. Enjoy your time with her on the trip... less

Thanks again to everyone for your time and consideration. This is definitely thought-provoking and therapeutic for me in some way.

We are too young for menopause. I haven't mentioned that she's probably gained 15-20 lbs over the past 10 years. She's still very fit, so it's not an issue for me, but it could affect her self-esteem and make her feel less sexy.

Regarding Yvette Jeannine's comments, I do feel that she needs less affection than some other people. I'm a hugger. She's really not. I don't think she's being selfish--rather she probably gives too much of herself to others while neglecting me. After a 4 mile run with her friends, volunteering at hospice, a charity board meeting, taking the kids to their activities, and making dinner, there isn't much energy left. And I'm not blameless in this--I have work stress, I'm on 3 boards, and I try to play my favorite sport once a week.

I don't know why she refuses to discuss my concerns. She says we have it too good, and I'm just making trouble--stirring things up. I'd actually be fine with sex once a week if it seemed like she really wanted it. That's the part that doesn't feel right. It's no fun being told "I'll do it tonight, but please make it quick because I've had a long day."

That kind of thing makes me think she's not enjoying it, which puts pressure on me to make it better, but it seems like she doesn't want it to be better--she just wants it to be over. I've come home for lunch a few times, and that's been great. The kids aren't there, and we both have plenty of energy. One of those sessions was so much fun (with the help of the magic wand and the Gee Whizzard), that her legs went numb and her face was tingling. It was the best orgasm I'd seen her have since before kids, so I thought she'd be up for that again, but there has been no increase in motivation. Maybe she gets off better when we use the toys, but she's afraid to ask for them because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. She has asked for the magic wand a few times when she was having trouble finishing. I think that's a good sign.

Aside from dropping the conversation and getting away without kids, I think scheduling more daytime sex might help. It sounds kind of weird, but I think it might improve our sex life. Anyone else try this? less

Things really seem better today. I think the conversation we had made her realize this is serious, and she did make a comment about me discussing this online (I told her). She ran with a friend this morning, and sometimes she will listen to her friends when she won't listen to me. If asked, they would probably tell her not to screw this up, because she's got it as good as it's going to get.

Of course my judgement could be clouded by the fact that she invited me home for lunch/sex, and it was great. That can impair a guy's thinking.

Thanks again everyone for the feedback. I'm new here and looking forward to learning more from you guys... less