I agree with Markie. The only way he will learn anything is if you show him. A book is a book--is quite a slap in the face. Take some time (I know he wants to rush). Maybe even have him watch you masturbate so he can see what turns you on and where you like to be touched?

It doesn't sound like sex is so bad (at least he has the package size)..10 minutes is NOT bad. It is 6.5 minutes average for men 18-30 years old. Not all men are like the ones in pornos that can last 45 minutes (geeze). You may want it this way, but please realize that your marathon ex is not what you should expect with all/most men less

I agree with Markie. The only way he will learn anything is if you show him. A book is a book--is quite a slap in the face. Take some time (I know he wants to rush). Maybe even have him watch you masturbate so he can see what turns you on and where you like to be touched?

It doesn't sound like sex is so bad (at least he has the package size)..10 minutes is NOT bad. It is 6.5 minutes average for men 18-30 years old. Not all men are like the ones in pornos that can last 45 minutes (geeze). You may want it this way, but please realize that your marathon ex is not what you should expect with all/most men less

What? Not bad? He's basically raping her! She's crying during sex and he doesn't give a shit? That, my friend, is BAD sex! Ten minutes is barely a short quickie. My husband and I commonly have sex for 2-3 hours, it isn't difficult nor uncommon. I'd dump his ass if he only lasted 10 minutes on a regular basis, (and luckily, I knew what kind of a lover he was when I was 16 years old, so I had plenty of time to figure out what was best for both of us.)

The thing is, bayosgirl, I don't know if you really want advice, from the tone of your post. If you do, I'm sure people here would be happy to provide it. I feel bad that he's treating you so badly. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, there ARE a lot of men out there who know how to make love. I guarantee it. I know it.

Yes, not having sex before marriage (or tolerating bad sex before marriage, thinking it will magically get better as soon as the vows are said) is basically going to increase the chances of not being sexually compatible. We've already had this discussion, and you disagreed with everyone who expressed the oft used "don't buy a car without a test drive." You can't go back now, but you CAN go forward. For yourself.

I feel bad you are going through this. The way a person acts during sex, when they are at their most primal and their guard is down is very often very telling about what kind of a person they are.

He doesn't care that you aren't having fun AND he has sex with you before you are even aroused and ready AND he continues to have sex with you WHILE you are crying. Please tell me; what does that tell you about what kind of a person he is?

I'd say immature, selfish and uncaring. I don't give a shit what "his culture is." It makes NO difference. He lives HERE now. (And coming from a "culture" where women are sexually mutilated, he has a LOT of nerve using his freaking "culture" as a reason to continue to be a crappy lover. He should be ashamed, not using it as an excuse. "Culture" doesn't make a behavior right.)

Men who love their women give them oral sex.

Men who love their women don't fuck them when they are CRYING IN PAIN because they aren't lubricated enough.

Men who love their women make sure those women have orgasms. Men who don't care act like.... they don't care.

Sex is a microcosm of the entire relationship.

I've been with the same man for over 20 years, and I can pretty much see this is true. In our relationship and in others. We made sure we were right for each other in important ways before we took our vows, and we are damn glad of it now.

Having a great sex life has gotten us through rough patches that couples with crappy sex lives would never have gotten through. Its one of the things we can rely on and one of the things we do together that we are both 100% agreement about, sex is the glue that holds our marriage together. Along with love, respect and honesty.

You're in a pickle. My advice (though I don't know if you want advice) get out before kids start coming and it gets even harder or impossible to get out. Is he going to change? My guess is no. (But, what do I know? I fucked a bunch of guys before I got married, and my marriage and our sex is fantastic. Luck? No, planning.)

No, sex isn't the "only thing" marriage is about. But, its a HUGE thing. I see few marriages work happily when both partners aren't sexually compatible and sexually satisfied.

I hope you don't "wait and hope things will get better." Selfish people rarely ever improve and they never improve without deep, long term therapy. Please, do what is best for YOU at this point, any man who insists on having sex while you are crying in PAIN because you aren't even aroused yet, and doesn't give a shit doesn't DESERVE you.

Please, do what is best for YOU. He is only caring about himself, the least you can do is to saveyourself. Men who rape their wives usually end up hitting and beating them, too. He IS raping you. I don't want to see beatings happen to you, too. It's the next logical step for a selfish, immature man to take.

Please, save yourself and the hell with his selfish, uncaring ass. less

What? Not bad? He's basically raping her! She's crying during sex and he doesn't give a shit? That, my friend, is BAD sex! Ten minutes is barely a short quickie. My husband and I commonly have sex for 2-3 hours, it isn't difficult nor uncommon. I'd dump his ass if he only lasted 10 minutes on a regular basis, (and luckily, I knew what kind of a lover he was when I was 16 years old, so I had plenty of time to figure out what was best for both of us.)

The thing is, bayosgirl, I don't know if you really want advice, from the tone of your post. If you do, I'm sure people here would be happy to provide it. I feel bad that he's treating you so badly. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, there ARE a lot of men out there who know how to make love. I guarantee it. I know it.

Yes, not having sex before marriage (or tolerating bad sex before marriage, thinking it will magically get better as soon as the vows are said) is basically going to increase the chances of not being sexually compatible. We've already had this discussion, and you disagreed with everyone who expressed the oft used "don't buy a car without a test drive." You can't go back now, but you CAN go forward. For yourself.

I feel bad you are going through this. The way a person acts during sex, when they are at their most primal and their guard is down is very often very telling about what kind of a person they are.

He doesn't care that you aren't having fun AND he has sex with you before you are even aroused and ready AND he continues to have sex with you WHILE you are crying. Please tell me; what does that tell you about what kind of a person he is?

I'd say immature, selfish and uncaring. I don't give a shit what "his culture is." It makes NO difference. He lives HERE now. (And coming from a "culture" where women are sexually mutilated, he has a LOT of nerve using his freaking "culture" as a reason to continue to be a crappy lover. He should be ashamed, not using it as an excuse. "Culture" doesn't make a behavior right.)

Men who love their women give them oral sex.

Men who love their women don't fuck them when they are CRYING IN PAIN because they aren't lubricated enough.

Men who love their women make sure those women have orgasms. Men who don't care act like.... they don't care.

Sex is a microcosm of the entire relationship.

I've been with the same man for over 20 years, and I can pretty much see this is true. In our relationship and in others. We made sure we were right for each other in important ways before we took our vows, and we are damn glad of it now.

Having a great sex life has gotten us through rough patches that couples with crappy sex lives would never have gotten through. Its one of the things we can rely on and one of the things we do together that we are both 100% agreement about, sex is the glue that holds our marriage together. Along with love, respect and honesty.

You're in a pickle. My advice (though I don't know if you want advice) get out before kids start coming and it gets even harder or impossible to get out. Is he going to change? My guess is no. (But, what do I know? I fucked a bunch of guys before I got married, and my marriage and our sex is fantastic. Luck? No, planning.)

No, sex isn't the "only thing" marriage is about. But, its a HUGE thing. I see few marriages work happily when both partners aren't sexually compatible and sexually satisfied.

I hope you don't "wait and hope things will get better." Selfish people rarely ever improve and they never improve without deep, long term therapy. Please, do what is best for YOU at this point, any man who insists on having sex while you are crying in PAIN because you aren't even aroused yet, and doesn't give a shit doesn't DESERVE you.

Please, do what is best for YOU. He is only caring about himself, the least you can do is to saveyourself. Men who rape their wives usually end up hitting and beating them, too. He IS raping you. I don't want to see beatings happen to you, too. It's the next logical step for a selfish, immature man to take.

Please, save yourself and the hell with his selfish, uncaring ass. less

-Yes he has a great package, but that doesn't mean anything if he's hurting me.

-Where did you get the 6.5 minute figure? Just wondering because it seems rather low (not to mention how would they even study that?)

-I don't watch porn, but I know from my (limited) experience that it is in fact possible to last more than ten minutes... less

Sorry that this is happening with you. As the male end of the relationship this is what I can offer; When I was starting out, I was pretty good at eating at the y. (I have been told this) The foreplay end of things, I had to be tought by many of patient teachers. I had no clue, did the smaesucking on the boobs, then say are you ready yet? My intercource skills lacked as well. My advise to you, thake his hand, mouth, finger , penis and show him what YOU LIKE, WHAT YOU WANT. He should pick this up pretty fast. I am only as good as I am from my teachers. I hope this helps. less

Thanks for your concern. I understand how my post might be misinterpreted. To be clear, he isn't raping me. When I tell him I'm in pain, he doesstop. Sometimes I so badly want to be intimate that I push myself when it hurts, and I don't say anything. That's when I end up crying, and he stops at that point. If he was forcing me, I never would have married him. And he is caring and loving in other ways. I'm NOT making excuses for his performance in bed, I'm simply saying that he is not a monster or a rapist, and I feel bad for apparently making him seem like one. I care for him, which is one reason why I went ahead and married him. Yes, I said I believe sex should be saved for marriage, and I still believe that-at least for myself-I never impose my beliefs on anyone. It's a long story that I can't go into, but probably THE main reason I married him was that I felt like I lost my soul with my first boyfriend, and I did not want to go through a horrible breakup again after giving my body to someone else. So, had I NOT had sex with him, I very likely would not have gotten married. I also don't believe in going from relationship to relationship looking for someone who is great in bed. I have a friend who's been with 13 guys and only 1 has been able to give her an orgasm. What she does with her own life is her business..but I don't want that for myself.

You're right about the resentment though. I resent him for making me go through this frustration after I've done so much for him in terms of getting married before I was ready so he could become legal. The least he can do is fuck me right!

Forgot to say, he did not use FGM as an excuse. I was the one to bring it up. I was curious what he thought about it. He did say that men in his country (Nigeria) don't give oral sex, which I don't think can be true-how can you generalize a whole country? It seemed like a lame excuse to me. But it was pretty easy to get him to do it, so, whatever. less

I am so mad.. I typed up a long post, but our computer is acting up and I lost it. Grrrr! Anyway, so basically, my sex life with my husband of only four months is not good. It's been that way since we started dating. (Please, no lectures on "why did you get married then if it was that bad?" I have my reasons, which are beyond the scope of this forum.)

To qualify what I mean by "horrible"...up until recently, foreplay was non-existent. His idea of foreplay was kissing and sucking my nipples. That's it. (FYI: I don't even likehaving my nipples sucked.)When he told me "they don't do that (men giving oral sex to women) in my country" I basically told him if that is true and he goes by that, then he can forget about me going down on HIM. That changed things Pretty Damn Quick. But he clearly had no clue how to do it, because he was literally SUCKING my clit and labia-HARD-ouch. Finally I bought him a book entitled "The Lowdown on Going Down" and he's improved significantly (but now he says it hurts his tongue. Go figure.) The problem now is, he's still in a rush to get inside of me. He will lick and finger me without prompting and seemingly enthusiastically, but whether I'm wet or not, he wants in when HE'S ready. This presents a problem, especially with his 7.5" long, 5.5" around penis and my tight vagina. I have literally cried because I wanted to make love to him, but it was too painful, from complete lack of or no foreplay.

The other problem is that when we do have sex, he doesn't last, probably in large part due to my tightness. If we use a condom, we can maybe get ten minutes, but that's even pushing it. Without a condom...let's just say the last few times we tried, I could count the number of strokes on my fingers. I can't help but think of my ex, my first and only other partner, who could last for hours and even keep going after he came. The sex is the ONLY thing I miss about him...oh yeah and the virginity he took..

So yeah, I don't know what else to do about my husband. If not for the fact that he shows me so much love in many other ways, I would think he was selfish. I don't think he is selfish, truly. He comes from a country where women are unfortunately often cut, so maybe his experience with intact women who can actually feel pleasure is limited. This is a tough situation, because I don't believe that sex is the end-all-be-all of relationships..however , it IS important. I am a Bible-believing Christian and I believe that sex is a gift from God for after marriage. And now that I'm married, I can't enjoy sex. It's like a cruel joke. less

Bayosgirl and Freakincage I have one word communication. You have to remove yourself from the situation. Don't wait until you are in the middle of trying to have sex to communicate your wants and needs.

I have known my SO for 20 years. Trust me we have hit spots where the sex is less than stellar. A lot of times the frustrations that you are feeling is exactly what your partner is feeling, but neither one of you know how to broach the subject.

Take a time where things are not choatic and talk. Don't be accusing. Use I statements, not You statements. Example: I know that you love me and I love you. I need for us to work on this. I love it when you take the time to help me get more involved. These statements are tons more effective than statements like: You don't let me get excited or You don't take your time. less

Bayosgirl and Freakincage I have one word communication. You have to remove yourself from the situation. Don't wait until you are in the middle of trying to have sex to communicate your wants and needs.

I have known my SO for 20 years. Trust me we have hit spots where the sex is less than stellar. A lot of times the frustrations that you are feeling is exactly what your partner is feeling, but neither one of you know how to broach the subject.

Take a time where things are not choatic and talk. Don't be accusing. Use I statements, not You statements. Example: I know that you love me and I love you. I need for us to work on this. I love it when you take the time to help me get more involved. These statements are tons more effective than statements like: You don't let me get excited or You don't take your time. less

I am so mad.. I typed up a long post, but our computer is acting up and I lost it. Grrrr! Anyway, so basically, my sex life with my husband of only four months is not good. It's been that way since we started dating. (Please, no lectures on "why did you get married then if it was that bad?" I have my reasons, which are beyond the scope of this forum.)

To qualify what I mean by "horrible"...up until recently, foreplay was non-existent. His idea of foreplay was kissing and sucking my nipples. That's it. (FYI: I don't even likehaving my nipples sucked.)When he told me "they don't do that (men giving oral sex to women) in my country" I basically told him if that is true and he goes by that, then he can forget about me going down on HIM. That changed things Pretty Damn Quick. But he clearly had no clue how to do it, because he was literally SUCKING my clit and labia-HARD-ouch. Finally I bought him a book entitled "The Lowdown on Going Down" and he's improved significantly (but now he says it hurts his tongue. Go figure.) The problem now is, he's still in a rush to get inside of me. He will lick and finger me without prompting and seemingly enthusiastically, but whether I'm wet or not, he wants in when HE'S ready. This presents a problem, especially with his 7.5" long, 5.5" around penis and my tight vagina. I have literally cried because I wanted to make love to him, but it was too painful, from complete lack of or no foreplay.

The other problem is that when we do have sex, he doesn't last, probably in large part due to my tightness. If we use a condom, we can maybe get ten minutes, but that's even pushing it. Without a condom...let's just say the last few times we tried, I could count the number of strokes on my fingers. I can't help but think of my ex, my first and only other partner, who could last for hours and even keep going after he came. The sex is the ONLY thing I miss about him...oh yeah and the virginity he took..

So yeah, I don't know what else to do about my husband. If not for the fact that he shows me so much love in many other ways, I would think he was selfish. I don't think he is selfish, truly. He comes from a country where women are unfortunately often cut, so maybe his experience with intact women who can actually feel pleasure is limited. This is a tough situation, because I don't believe that sex is the end-all-be-all of relationships..however , it IS important. I am a Bible-believing Christian and I believe that sex is a gift from God for after marriage. And now that I'm married, I can't enjoy sex. It's like a cruel joke. less

Sorry that this is happening with you. As the male end of the relationship this is what I can offer; When I was starting out, I was pretty good at eating at the y. (I have been told this) The foreplay end of things, I had to be tought by many of patient teachers. I had no clue, did the smaesucking on the boobs, then say are you ready yet? My intercource skills lacked as well. My advise to you, thake his hand, mouth, finger , penis and show him what YOU LIKE, WHAT YOU WANT. He should pick this up pretty fast. I am only as good as I am from my teachers. I hope this helps. less

Surveys are the most common way to study stuff like this. People get polled and asked how long sex normally lasts for them and then they average it out. There is no set "correct" amount of time that sex should last for everybody, it's all an individual thing. My husband and I normally have sex that lasts between 5 and 20 minutes. In that time we both get off at least once and that's what works for us. For other people that might be a quickie, but there's nothing wrong with it and I'd be a little insulted to hear people say that the great fulfilling sex I have is nothing more than a quickie because they normally have sex for longer than that.

I know you're talked to him about the oral sex thing, but have you talked to him much about the rest of it? Sapphire Storm has great suggestions with keep talking and telling and making sure that it's a conversation and not phrased in an accusing way. There's nothing wrong with you wanting an orgasm from sex with your husband. Is he open to trying things like cock rings? They can be dual purpose and help you achieve an orgasm while helping him to last longer. Otherwise if you're using condoms I'd suggest one of the numbing ones like the Trojan Extended Pleasure. If those are too tight there are some other numbing gels or creams that you guys could try with regular condoms as well. less

bayosgirl. relationships, like sex, are all about communication.

i suggest you

get a vibrator

use it on your own to get in touch with yourself and see what you like most, what really gets you going. a good dildo is a great companion to that, and honestly, at least for me, a staple. when you're more aware of your body and how you like to be touched it will be easier to show him. letting him watch you masturbate, and-or masturbate with you, is a great, hot exercise.


adding a vibrator to sex for me is nearly essential, all the time. it gets me turned on and lubricated and increases the sensitivity of my whole body. everything feels more amazing. consider it.


if you are both genuinely willing to try to make this work, and genuinely caring for eachother, and communicate till you're blue in the face about sex as well as everything else, you can make it.


communicate communicate communicate.


less

I'm glad he isn't raping you. That was really bothering me. I don't like to see women or anyone hurt. (Although I do think you are still being hurt in some way.)

I need to clarify some things. I do NOT think of sex as "giving my body to a man." EVER. Sex is sharing he gives to me as much as I give to him. Sex isn't something a woman "gives" and a man "takes." Also, dating a number of people is NOT "going from man to man seeing who is best in bed." Dating is about finding a person who meshes with YOUR ethics and needs and desires and ideas. Sex is, of course, part of it, not all of it. But, I can't imagine living with a man for the rest of my life who doesn't respect me sexually enough to do what works for both of us. I wouldn't last with a man like that. And, at least from my POV, there is only one way to find out who will mesh with you sexually. You can't guess beforehand who will be good in bed. Or who will respect you needs and fulfill them happily. Experience is what does this.

You said: "I have a friend who's been with 13 guys and only 1 has been able to give her an orgasm." Uh, I don't know what this anecdote has to do with what we are talking about.

My Man and I no longer use the phrase "make you come" or "make me come." We use phrases like, "Will you help me find my orgasm?" And, "Maybe we could try this?" And then we try it. Because having an orgasm is the responsibility of BOTH people in that bed. My Man doesn't "give" me an orgasm, any more than I "give" him my body. We both work with each other to help the other find their orgasms, as well as many other joys during sex and love. We both take suggestions, and have been together long enough and both had enough experience to be able to ask for what we think might work, and then follow through on those things.

I don't know your friend and don't know what her report of orgasms has to do with this discussion. Maybe she's waiting for someone to simply GUESS what it is she needs? She wanted men to read her mind I have no idea, but I don't think it's all that important to your issue. It's one person. Most people do sample the goods and realize "you may have to kiss a few frogs before finding a prince". It's better to kiss them before you've made a lifetime commitment, at least from where I see it.

My point was that experience often gives a view of what is healthy and what happens in more than one relationship, so that one can use that knowledge when one chooses a partner for life. Without knowing what one is looking for or without knowing what one needs, or not knowing IF one's partner is willing to do what helps you become not only comfortable in bed, but to find ecstasy one may not be able to weed out those who are not appropriate for one's life partner. Without that one's life becomes a series of failed and sad encounters with the same person who won't try and resentment builds. Resentment is probably one of the most toxic emotions to a relationship. But, if one's partner consistently lets one down, of course one will be resentful. That's only natural.

I also agree that one cannot generalize that an entire country doesn't engage in a very common sexual act. I think his excuse was utter bullshit. Some men, for various reasons, seem to think the act of offering oral sex to a woman is less than manly. (I dated a few guys who had this attitude. It didn't last long after I realized that for them, sex was a one way street. I was OUT of there.) I have a theory that, not being able to keep partners long enough to breed, these men will eventually become extinct. (It's a joke, I'm trying to lighten up this Wall O Text. )

I don't get this selfish attitude at all, but the thing is, your husband here now and the successful people and the most successful relationships learn to adapt. If he doesn't adapt, he may lose what he loves the most.

I don't know what can be done to "fix" your situation, maybe nothing. But, I think you do need to think about the next..... 50 years or so, and think about the resentment that will build in just a few months of not being satisfied in bed. What will that do to the relationship over years and decades?

If it were me? I'd chalk it up to experience and move on. But, then I did my searching, made my mistakes and had a lot of experience before I bought the dress and the ring and made the vows. I was sure and in 20+ years, its been proven to have worked. Now you have a lot of things to get through.

I wish you nothing but luck and hope you can find happiness. less

Since you are newly married, might I suggest a couple of excellent books to help aid you with this issue? Sheet Music (by Dr. Kevin Lemans) and Intimate Issues (by Linda Dillow) are excellent reads in regards to knowing how and what to ask for in the marriage bed. They are geared to those with Christian values and backed by Biblical references.

If the two of you read Sheet Music (and I do suggest he read it as well...maybe get two copies and read it together, so you can discuss the chapters right then and there) pay particular attention to Chapter 3 (Why a Good Sex Life is Worth Striving For) and especially Chapter 4 (Learning to Make Music)!

If he is truly willing to please you, and the two of you are truly committed to each other, this should be a simple request. less

I'm sure you've done a lot of research on cultures of Nigerian men, and know that women have no place in the Nigerian patriarchal society, and women there definitely have no say when it comes to sex. Lucky for you, your new husband seems willing to adjust to the western world, which is a good thing. You have to be really patient in helping him to adapt. Besides having him read the book, maybe obtaining a instructional DVD might speed things up, sometimes visual learning is easier than just reading a book. Good luck!

Also, since you won't be receiving good oral any time soon, always remember to lube yourself up before sex, at least you don't have to suffer! less