Please Don't Open If NonConsentual Sex Is Something You Don't Want To Read About on The Forums.

Contributor: Xavier7 Xavier7
Would you Still Consider yourself a virgin if you lost your virginity nonconsentually? That's how I lost mine, and I have been angry at myself for years because I feel like it was my fault. I've wanted to be a virgin again, and I feel terrible for even making this a post, because I'm a guy and we're supposed to be tough, I guess. () So, would you say I were still a virgin if I didn't consent to it?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I'm so sorry..But I wouldn't think so.
29  (22%)
Definitely. If that's what you wanted, then you were still a virgin.
94  (71%)
The notorious Other
9  (7%)
Total votes: 132
Poll is closed
12/26/2010
  • Upgrade Your Hands-Free Play!
  • Long-distance pleasure set for couples
  • Save Extra 20% On Love Cushion And Toy Set!
  • Anal Sub Hook&Rope Kit for $28.99 Only
  • Complete strap-on set for extra 15% off
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Contributor: fghjkl fghjkl
This is definitely a touchy/interesting subject. First of all, I would like to say that I'm sorry about what happened and it has nothing to do with a guy being tough or not.. I personally think that if it's something you've been able to let go of and realize that it wasn't your fault.. then there's no reason why you couldn't consider yourself a virgin. I'm not religious at all so I'm coming at this from an atheists point of view, but I believe that it's all about how you look at it and not the literal sense of "losing your virginity". You had no choice in the matter, but you do have the choice to change how you look at it.

This isn't something that happened to me so I can only give my opinion on how I would feel...
12/26/2010
Contributor: firekitten firekitten
First of all, it wasn't your fault. It happens, sometimes you just can't control it or stop it, and that's ok. Try to forgive yourself, and then if possible try to forgive the other person. Trust me, I know how hard it is.

Second, being a guy means nothing. I'm a female, I was molested, and I beat myself up for YEARS because I felt like I should be above it, and I should have fought, I shouldn't let it get to me, etc etc. Try to forgive yourself. Try talking about what happened, with a therapist if at all possible. Holding it in, makes it worse. If you need/want to talk you can message me. It gets better, it just takes a lot of time and a lot of patience.
12/26/2010
Contributor: fghjkl fghjkl
Hmmm.. I just re-read my post and I'm not sure if my thoughts came across the way that I wanted to... I'm pretty tired.
12/26/2010
Contributor: HollisJ HollisJ
Quote:
Originally posted by fghjkl
This is definitely a touchy/interesting subject. First of all, I would like to say that I'm sorry about what happened and it has nothing to do with a guy being tough or not.. I personally think that if it's something you've been able to ... more
what she said!
12/27/2010
Contributor: Sir Sir
It depends on what you consider virginity. To me, virginity is mental. So if you feel that you are no longer a virgin, then you are not. If you do not feel that way, then you still are. But at the same time, lying about sexual experience is no good. Being molested or raped does not count as sexual experience, in my opinion.
12/27/2010
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
It depends on what you consider virginity. To me, virginity is mental. So if you feel that you are no longer a virgin, then you are not. If you do not feel that way, then you still are. But at the same time, lying about sexual experience is no good. ... more
"Being molested or raped does not count as sexual experience, in my opinion."<----- Agreed!
12/27/2010
Contributor: NawlinsDawlin NawlinsDawlin
It is a touchy subject and one that I have dealt with over the years. I was molested/raped as a child for years. I look at it this way. Technically, I am no longer a virgin, but because it was not by choice, I still consider myself to be one. It has taken a lot for me to deal with it all...it takes time.
12/27/2010
Contributor: mrs.mckrakn mrs.mckrakn
im so sorry thats is happened to you. i agree with most of what was said before me. also, you need to stop blaming yourself. the vicitim is never to blaim and never in fault.
12/27/2010
Contributor: PassionQT PassionQT
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
It depends on what you consider virginity. To me, virginity is mental. So if you feel that you are no longer a virgin, then you are not. If you do not feel that way, then you still are. But at the same time, lying about sexual experience is no good. ... more
I agree with Sir on this one.

Also, you didn't really give many details, not that you are required to, but it's a hard subject to comment on. All I can say is that you need to be honest with your future partner/mate if they should ask about your first sexual experience. It will help them to be more compassionate and understanding of your needs/desires.
12/27/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Xavier7
Would you Still Consider yourself a virgin if you lost your virginity nonconsentually? That's how I lost mine, and I have been angry at myself for years because I feel like it was my fault. I've wanted to be a virgin again, and I feel ... more
I applaud you for being brave enough to admit that even though you were a guy you were raped. It takes great courage and more than a little intestinal fortitude.
As for your question, no you are 'technically' not a virgin...but to my mind you are a virgin the first time you sleep with anyone especially if it's consensual. The experience is always new, exciting, a bit awkward and usually over too soon. Just like the first time for those of us who were lucky enough to not be in the crosshairs of a rapist.
I would also say that if it makes you feel special and like you are reclaiming your self hood then by all means consider yourself a virgin. This is a small thing that obviously means quite a lot to you, which is the real answer. After being abused and being stripped of your power to say no, I say take back that power and call yourself anything you feel fits.
If you haven't experienced a loving, fully 100% chosen sexual experience where you were saying "YES OH GAWD YES" then you are a virgin in my book anyhow.
12/27/2010
Contributor: Andy77422 Andy77422
If you were a girl and inadvertantly broke your hymen while riding a horse would you still consider yourself a virgin?

If as a boy you toyed with objects in your anus while going through your self discovery years would you still consider yourself a virgin?

Your virginty is yours. Something that is given not taken.
12/27/2010
Contributor: gone77 gone77
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I applaud you for being brave enough to admit that even though you were a guy you were raped. It takes great courage and more than a little intestinal fortitude.
As for your question, no you are 'technically' not a virgin...but to my mind ... more
We so need a "like" button for posts like this.
12/27/2010
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
Quote:
Originally posted by gone77
We so need a "like" button for posts like this.
I agree...

the value of virginity should be in that it's the choice you make to be intimate with someone for the first time... It is the choosing to be intimate with someone you consider special—that should be the important part.

The concept of being untouched, and therefore being of higher value or more pure than someone who has been touched or penetrated, is an outdated one... an idea that equates us to being new or used cars with no base in reality, only in our own minds.

So I say what your "virginity" is and what it means when you give it to someone else, should be entirely up to you.
12/27/2010
Contributor: Avant-garde Avant-garde
Personally I don't agree with the traditional definition of virginity. I redefined it for my self into something completely different. Virginity should be whatever the individual defines it as. So I agree with Sir that if you think you are then you are; if you don't think you are then you are not.
12/27/2010
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Honestly words have meanings. If you've had penetrative sex you're not a virgin. Blue isn't red because you think it is.

Not being a virgin doesn't mean anything except you've had sex - consensually or not.

Is there something wrong with not being a virgin? Most of spend our early teen years trying to not be virgins anymore. The significance of being a virgin is lost on me.
12/27/2010
Contributor: Bunnycups Bunnycups
Yes, darling. You're still a virgin. <3
I know the guilt you feel. It will eat you alive. It wasn't your fault, though. You can't help what happened to you. No matter what happened if you didn't want it it wasn't your fault. Don't let that person or those people take more from you than what they've already taken. Let go of the guilt.
12/27/2010
Contributor: DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
When I lot my virginity it was, for me, the first time I had consensual sex with another consenting person.
12/27/2010
Contributor: Danielle1220 Danielle1220
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
I applaud you for being brave enough to admit that even though you were a guy you were raped. It takes great courage and more than a little intestinal fortitude.
As for your question, no you are 'technically' not a virgin...but to my mind ... more
^This!! Very well said
12/27/2010
Contributor: KnK KnK
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
It depends on what you consider virginity. To me, virginity is mental. So if you feel that you are no longer a virgin, then you are not. If you do not feel that way, then you still are. But at the same time, lying about sexual experience is no good. ... more
Hear Hear! I agree with this. It's all about your personal definition and view point. Rape or molestation is not consensual and not sex. If you don't consent, then hell no.
12/27/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
Honestly words have meanings. If you've had penetrative sex you're not a virgin. Blue isn't red because you think it is.

Not being a virgin doesn't mean anything except you've had sex - consensually or not.

Is ... more
There is something wrong when that gift...and it IS a gift...it taken from you. You wonder forever what you missed, who you might have been. It is a BIG deal to a rape victim Gunsmoke. When you are a virgin and you are raped you aren't just stripped of your right to say no it feels like you are stripped of everything that makes you special, unique and valuable. It's not just a cultural thing, it's a HUMAN thing.

Reclaiming your innocence and self hood is a POWERFUL healing tool. Part of that, for some victims, is reclaiming their virginity.
I may not have been Sigel's first sexual experience but he DID come to me as a virgin because I was the one who gave him intimacy with his bodily function. I introduced him to love during sex. When he felt that connection the first time, he did feel like a virgin. He reclaimed his ability to say yes and the ability to believe in the sanctity of his body and in sex itself.

When you haven't had the choice to give your self to another you VALUE the word virgin and the concept means more than just having had sex. Hell for Arch it meant the world to him that he was able to offer and gift me with his virginity, and it meant the world to me that I willingly gave myself to Sigel. It means so much more than some societal stigma. It's about choosing who will be our first and that is infinitely precious.

I don't agree with your statement that most of us spent our teenage years trying to 'lose' our virginity. In my experience the opposite is true, most of us try to make a conscious decision and cherish the choice. I have seen the pain of that choice being ripped away first hand in the eyes of the man I love, and I have seen the infinite pride of the choice being made in the eyes of the other man I love.

If Xavier7 want's to reclaim that choice and remake a painful experience into a memory to cherish then he should have that right. He IS still a virgin to concensual sex. He has never had it, therefore, is, by definition, a virgin.
12/31/2010
Contributor: ToyGeek ToyGeek
I'm not reading other replies, so pardon if I repeat anything, but here's what I think. Virginity is not a physical thing, it's an emotional thing. Since having a crime committed against you is not the same as sharing something special with a loved one, at all, not even close, then the first time you have real sex -- sex that you decide to have, with an emotional component of your choice -- is the time that "counts" when it comes to virginity.

Self-blame is a very very common emotion for victims of such personal crimes, and while you are not "wrong" to feel any emotion you feel, part of healing is to accept that whatever happened is not your fault. Even if you made some "mistake" that contributed to the situation, you did not cause it. The criminal caused it.

Strength, by the way, comes from and is demonstrated by owning your emotions, facing them, and doing what you need to do for your own health. It has nothing to do with burying, denying, or shutting off emotion. Just by posing this question here, you have demonstrated strength.
12/31/2010
Contributor: hornypoet69 hornypoet69
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
It depends on what you consider virginity. To me, virginity is mental. So if you feel that you are no longer a virgin, then you are not. If you do not feel that way, then you still are. But at the same time, lying about sexual experience is no good. ... more
Lying about your sexual experiences is something that comes up a lot in my discussions on virginity (it's something of a pet topic of mine) If you define virginity differently than most people, then people will think you're lying when you say you're a virgin. But in my opinion, all that really reveals is that you can't sum up a person's sexual history in one word. It's complicated, and it should be. If identifying as a virgin feels right, then feel free to do so.
12/31/2010
Contributor: KnK KnK
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
There is something wrong when that gift...and it IS a gift...it taken from you. You wonder forever what you missed, who you might have been. It is a BIG deal to a rape victim Gunsmoke. When you are a virgin and you are raped you aren't just ... more
Thank you Airen. This is absolutely beautiful, and speaking as a survivor I feel the same way. It haunts you and you feel as though you did it to yourself, even though the other person involved was a creep who had nothing but their own pleasure or control issues in mind.

It absolutely INFURIATES me that in this day and age that people are still ignorant enough to blame the victim or proclaim that the victim was probably asking for it or secretly wanted it. This is not the dark ages, this is the 21st century. People need to get with the times.
12/31/2010
Contributor: MR Chickhabit MR Chickhabit
society makes virginity a physical thing. a few groups have tried to make it mental and psychological, but i cant follow their thinking.

sorry for your circumstances, but virginity really isnt all that important anyway.
12/31/2010
Contributor: Xavier7 Xavier7
Thank you all so much. You make me feel a strenght in myself that I didn't know that I had.
01/02/2011
Contributor: Ohmami Ohmami
Quote:
Originally posted by Danielle1220
^This!! Very well said
Agreed!!!
01/05/2011
Contributor: Owl Identified Owl Identified
I didn't read the post BUT I wanted to leave a comment and say THANK YOU for putting a trigger warning in the title of your post. I wish more people would do this!
01/05/2011
Contributor: Eliza Eliza
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
There is something wrong when that gift...and it IS a gift...it taken from you. You wonder forever what you missed, who you might have been. It is a BIG deal to a rape victim Gunsmoke. When you are a virgin and you are raped you aren't just ... more
Just replying to applaud your post. I think you very eloquently captured many of the same thoughts I was struggling to put into words.
01/06/2011
Contributor: Eliza Eliza
I have to agree with Sex & Lies -- thank you for the trigger warning. As a survivor, you clearly understand how unsettling (to put it mildly) it can be for a survivor to hear/read about rape and sexual assault.

I, on the other hand, did read your post and that of others. I have to agree with Airen Wolf. You're a virgin if that's what you want to define yourself as, regardless of the traditional definition of the word.
01/06/2011