Head coach pump - penis pump by Cal Exotics - review by Captain Stubing

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My Head Coach Pumped me up....LITERALLY!

If you need one to get hard, buy it. If you can get hard on your own, leave it on the shelf.
Comfortable until you pump too much
13" Schlong!!
Pumping too much
1" = 1 1/2 millimeters
Rating by reviewer:
useful review
Okay, let's get one thing straight: I don't need a penis pump to get hard. That I can handle like a 14 year old looking at mom's Victoria's Secret catalogue. I requested this review because I wanted to see what all the hype is about penis pumps.

Suddenly I have visions of Austin Powers running through my memory... "One Swedish Penis Pump...One book, Swedish Penis Pumps, This Is My Bag Baby...signed by Austin Powers"

We've all heard the rumors, penis pumps make your erection overall larger. Or, it is only larger if you use a cock ring. You'll gain 3 inches if you use it regularly. Let me tell you somethin', anything that says it may cause a hematoma and or bruises to your pecker is not something you want to use on a regular basis!!

Here's the only way I thought it would be a fair analysis- see if it will get me hard without being hard already, fair enough? So let me paint a picture for you. I read the box and all of the precautions(remember, hematoma and bruising) then unwrapped all of the parts to the pump. All of the parts were inside a sealed plastic bag and the cylinder portion was shrink wrapped on top of that. Assembling it was easy, you just put the hose end on the top part of the cylinder. Am I getting too particular?...YES!! So let me get on with it. The Head Coach comes with a little packet of water based lube which I tore open and slathered on the jelly 'O' ring so my johnson wouldn't get stuck in it. It was odd trying to put my junk inside something when it's not hard but I managed. The instructions said to take it slow so that you don't injure yourself so I squeezed the bulb once and swishhhhh...I started swelling like Clubber Lang's (Mr. T) lips in Rocky III! It was really weird as I've never gotten hard without being turned on before. I decided to try one more pump...a little harder yet. My veins started popping out like when you go to get your blood taken at the Dr.'s office. AND it started to hurt a little.

One thing I did find interesting/comical was the measuring stick that's etched in the side of the cylinder. Now, I've measured myself before, but there's NO WAY I'm 13" hard!! Maybe they're using the metric system or something.

I began to get concerned that I was making this thing suck too hard and didn't want to injure myself so I turned the little dial to release the air pressure and immediately my erection went down. It was worse than my ex-girlfriend's mom yelling at her to come upstairs when I was juuuuusst about to score a touchdown if you know what I'm sayin'!

Anyway, that's where the cock ring comes in. So here's what I did. I got my handy dandy cock ring with stimulator out of the goodie bag and put that on, then slid inside the pump. Two squeezes later and Bob's your uncle! I didn't have sex or anything but it stayed hard for a little bit. I bet it would have lasted longer were I to have sex, but then again, if you need the pump to have sex you may want some drugs too; Viagra or something of course!

To bring everything to a close, did it work as described? Yes, that's why there are 5 stars. Lucky for them, the box didn't recommend prolonged use for increased size.

Would I use it again? Not unless I need to

Did it make me have a larger erection? That depends in the ruler you're using!

Would I recommend it to someone? Sure, I thought the suction was very good.

Can you use it for masturbation? Not me.

Cleaning it was easy since all I had to do was get the water based lube off. A little anti-bacterial soap and hot water and it was done.
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. This review is in compliance with the FTC guidelines.
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My Head coach pump tags
  • Who / How / What
    [ ? ]
    Who might this product be best for? How is it best used? What are the best circumstances or situations for using this product?
    • Foreplay
    • Gag gift
    • Mood enhancer
  • Where
    [ ? ]
    Where / what types of places can this product be used?
    • Bedroom / on a bed
  • Body / part areas
    [ ? ]
    What areas on the body can this product be used / what areas does it stimulate best?
    • Genitals
This review was edited by
  • Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
  • Rank:
  • Edited reviews: 330
  • ToyTimeTim
    "13" Schlong!!" haha You could get a job in porn, eh?
    Nice review.
  • Josh aka FootMan
    Great review, these things are intriguing but I definitely don't see the point of getting a hard on without being horny.. and I really don't see the point of pumping if the effects don't last for even a short period of time so I'm glad you explained that. Maybe one day when my junk stops working I'll try this bugger out! Your review was pretty funny, I would have liked to read a bit more about your experiences especially with a partner, however.
  • Redboxbaby
    Nice review. I would have liked to know how "off" the ruler on the mechanism really is. Is it blatant misrepresentation on the manufacturer's part?
  • Blooddragon
    Thank you!
  • kawigrl
    13" ok for most
  • Stinkytofu10
    1" does not equal to 1 1/2 millimeters....
    Also your review reads like a story than a review.
  • Tbanda
  • lzee
    Thank you so much for reviewing!
  • damnbul12
    Thank you for the review.
  • SexyStuff
  • Andrey2052
    Great job!
  • sXeVegan90
    Thank you for the review.
  • Peres2013
    Good review
  • Lovely Jubblies
    Excellent and entertaining review! My hubby tried a pump once but his erection went down the moment he came out of the pump. We'll have to try with a cock ring
  • TheirPet
    Very entertaining review. Thanks for sharing!
Discussion Posts Last Update
How much did you gain? 4
Question on pumps - bruising? 3
Girth 2
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