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Clearing the hurdles: Our struggle to conceive a child (Part Four)

Hurdles by Dave Heather
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The worst part of our struggle was about to unfold. It would change us forever and leave us wondering if this foolish wish was truly outside our grasp.

  Boiling point.

We seriously thought that maybe the light bleeding was the cause of implantation. That it was normal and maybe she was fine. Maybe we were really going to have another child. A few days passed and she started bleeding again. Then she had cramps that doubled her over in pain. I called her doctor and asked that she see Joney as soon as she could. She did not hesitate. We went to see her bright and early the next morning. This would be one of our darkest days.

We went in and spoke to the doctor. Very routine. Then it turned. She asked Joney if she was in any pain. Joney said no, she was fine. The doctor looked concerned and sent us to have an ultrasound. Like most of the people out there, we really don't know what they're looking at when they do an ultrasound. You can stare at that screen and just guess what it may be. Is that the uterus? The ovary? I have no idea. All you truly see is black and 50 shades of gray...I just punched myself...moving on...

This experience is not made any damn better when the person performing the ultrasound says nothing. She would occasionally zoom into a small dot on the screen. She would zoom in and snap a pic. She would take a dotted circle and outline the dot and then snap another picture. The whole time I thought, "Well that’s awesome. There's our baby, alive and well. We are going to be okay. We are going to be just fine.” She snapped a few more photos and looked at Joney. “Are you sure you're not in any pain?”

Joney said no and the woman's face said it all. She looked scared. Very, very, very scared. My legs got heavy and I struggled to sit down. I was not sure what the hell was happening, but I knew it wasn't good. When she left the room, Joney asked me if that was the baby she was snapping pics of. I told her I didn't know. She asked me if I thought the baby was okay. I told her I didn't know. I was holding on to hope. I was praying to god to stop whatever was happening. I just wanted us to have a damn baby. I just wanted us to be like every god damn person out there shitting out kids they don't give a fuck about! I was pissed! I was angry at the world! I just wanted this to be okay!!!

  Then the doors closed.

Three people came in a few minutes later. It became a blur to me. One of them said they needed to rush Joney to the OR. They kept asking her if she was in pain. They shook their heads in disbelief. I just sat there, listening, frozen. Some one spurted out the words “ectopic” like we knew what the fuck that word meant. They started to move her. I walked along side of her as they wheeled her down the hall. They came to a door and said I couldn't go any further, that I needed to take another elevator to the 1st floor and talk to the receptionist at the OR and they would show me where to go. Joney squeezed my hand and I just stared at her. I had no clue what the hell was going on. I knew she was as scared as I.

I wanted to scream at them. Just yell out...“Hey wait a fucking second assholes!!!! Would somebody please fucking tell me what the fuck is going on!!!??? PLEASE!!!!” I didn't. Before the doors closed, Joney shouted for me to call her mother. The doors shut and I grabbed my phone.


I never really liked talking to Joney's mom. She was a principal at a middle school and fits that stereotype quite well. She has a certain “oh well” attitude that rubs me the wrong way. So at first I second guessed myself while I was dialing. I was rushing to find the elevator and just didn't want to deal with it. My head was spinning. When I hit the elevator, I was alone. I thanked God for that. I wanted to cry but ended up calling Joney's mom instead. I explained the situation to her and got the response I knew I would get...“Oh okay, well I can be there in 30. Okay? I'll see you then.”

Her attitude infuriated me. Here I was losing my shit and she was just Joe god damn Cool! I didn't want her there. I didn't want to do this with her by my side! Too late now, I thought and I made my way to the OR. The lady at the front desk was no help. She simply looked at a piece of paper, pointed to a seat and told me to wait. I sat there and silently went through my own personal hell. I wanted Joney. I wanted to see if she was okay. I wanted to know what the hell was going on. No one seemed to give a shit and my anger started to flood over.

Joney's mom showed up right on time. She came into the waiting room and took a seat next to me. She looked around and asked me what was going on. I told her I didn't know. She said “Oh” and pulled out here Dean Koontz novel and started reading. She only occasionally looked up when something interesting was blurted over the TV. I wanted to smack her. That was her daughter. Yeah, she might be losing my “baby” in there. Yeah, it might be for the “best” in your damned eyes, but that's the love of my life in there! How could she be so god damn calm!

  Slowly losing my shit!

About 20 minutes later, a nurse came out and asked me to follow her. She led me into a long room with a row of beds against the wall. Joney was already in one. All alone. There where a few RNs and whatnots buzzing around. The nurse grabbed a chair and sat me next to her. She explained that Joney had an ectopic pregnancy. This is where the egg implants itself in the fallopian tube. Once there, it continues to grow. If left untreated, it can rupture the fallopian tube and cause internal bleeding. If this happens, the person may go into shock. Joney had been in shock for over 12 hours. This is why she felt no pain. This is why everyone was shocked. Now, I was included in that group.

Her doctor came into the room moments later and went over what she needed to do. They needed to perform an emergency laparotomy. They would go in and remove her fallopian tube. There was no saving it. They would repair any tissue damage and administer a blood transfusion to Joney if she needed one. They had to be quick. Her life was very much at risk. I had a fleeting thought when she said that. Earlier that day when Joney was complaining of pain, we had a little fight over wanting to call the doctor. I had to work. There was no one really to watch our son. We almost didn't go. We seriously almost waited. If we did, the doctor said her chances of dying in her sleep later that night was certain.
She finished up her explanation of everything and told me it was time to say our goodbyes so they could get under way.

While I was talking to her, trying to pour my heart out to her because I seriously had no ideas if I would see her alive again as dramatic as that may sound, a RN came up and gave her a shot. Within seconds she was looped out of her mind. The last thing Joney said to me was...“Who in the fuck changed the channel to Elmo? How the hell did he get in here? Oh shit Jason he looks pissed! HEHEHEHEHAA!” Yep. Pretty much knew after that she would be alright.

  Your true colors...

I walked back out to the waiting room and explained to her mother what was going on. She looked unphased. I just kept talking. Once I was finished, she asked me if I was staying the night there. If I was, she needed to call Joney's dad and let him know he would have to watch our son for the night. I said I was going to and she left. Just like that. Like nothing even fucking happened.

About 20 more minutes passed. In the OR they have a screen that shows you what room the patient is in at that time and what stage they're in at that moment. Pretty nice feature but it slowly became my enemy. It seemed like Joney's name never changed. I just kept checking it. Nothing. Wait another 10 minutes, check back, nothing. It was driving me nuts. I wanted to see Joney. I wanted to know if she was alright. I sat back down and tried to take my mind off everything. Then my phone rang. It was Joney's mom. She was hysterical. I could barely understand her. She kept mumbling something and then I could hear the words...”I'm sorry...” then more babble. She finally calmed down and begged me to come get her. She was at a gas station about 5 minutes away, falling apart.

I talked to the receptionist and told her I would be right back. I rushed to my car and barreled to the gas station. I pulled up next to her car and she quickly got inside. I took off down the road and she was silent. I got to the light before the hospital and she started crying again. She never said a word. When we got back to the hospital she immediately walked over to the receptionist and talked to her. I left her to check the board.

Joney had been moved to a recovery room. She was still alive and safe. I smiled a little and soon thereafter a nurse tracked me down. He told me the surgery went nicely. They of course removed the tube and the internal bleeding wasn't as bad as they initially thought. They would have to hold her overnight and go from there in the morning, They showed me how to get to her and I headed off to get her mom. I found her talking to some nurses. She was still crying a little. When she saw me she stood up and grabbed me. She hugged me so hard that I seriously heard my back crack. She kept saying she was so sorry. I didn't know what to say. She told me to go home. That my son was probably wondering where we were. That she would go and stay with Joney. Like a damn robot I did just that. I left her in the foyer of the OR and walked to my car.

  Facing the facts.

The whole drive home I was numb. I thought and felt nothing. Before I knew it I was home, standing at my front door. When I walked inside our house, my son was playing with his trains on the floor. Joney's dad did not seem to know what was going on. I didn't want to be the one to tell him, so I didn't. He looked at me for a few seconds and it just clicked for him I think. He asked me if it was okay if he took my son for the night. I said it was fine and helped him gather his things. I was just this mindless zombie. I just walked around the house and everything I saw killed me. They loaded up into his truck. I gave my son a huge hug and kiss. He told me he loved me and I died. Joney's dad got out of the truck and hugged me. He told me it would be okay. That it wasn't the end. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't.

I knew we would never have another child. I just knew it. I nearly lost Joney trying. I couldn't let that happen again. It was then that I decided one was enough. This was a race I did not feel like running any longer. It would take a miracle. An act of God, and he and I weren't exactly on talking terms. I was just exhausted and beat down. I could not put Joney through this anymore. I was officially over it. I would no longer chase this soul crushing pursuit of trying to conceive another child. I was done! How many babies could I have held in my arms. How many times could our son have been a big brother? How many God damn times did it have to end like this. I cursed God that night more then I ever had in my whole life. I hated his fucking ass! I didn't understand. I didn't want to. I wanted him to know he won. I fucking quit. I would no longer put Joney or myself through this hell. I wasn't just done! I was FUCKING DONE!!!! I thought.
To be continued...



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