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Fractured Lives: Healing sexually and mentally with the help of Eden

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All it takes to change your life forever is 30 seconds. The first thing I clearly remember was being inside a white tube, completely immobile. The only thing I could see was clear, smoky glass with lights or cameras behind it--my mind was screaming! Those UFO shows on TV were true--and the aliens had me!! I could not escape, would not fully wake from the nightmare I was in!! Little did I know, my nightmare was only beginning....

  Trying To Find My Way

My husband and I had always had a very active sex life, more so after I tried a couple of the toys he suggested and really had fun with them. We loved playing together and watching porn, managing to have little weekend marathons whenever our teenagers were away for the weekend.

We had a wonderful little collection, I had my Pocket Rockets and jelly rabbit and he had his vibrating cock rings and a couple of sleeves. Talk about using our imaginations, each other and finding new roads to travel in our sexual adventures!! I am still amazed at how many ways we found to use these simplest of toys.

I opened up about my fantasies, relaxed and really became a squirt queen. We would have our contests on how many times, how far I could squirt, and how much I could squirt. He would record it to play back and watch while we were watching porn on the other TV.

He learned to have multiples--yes men can have them too--and surprised me with my first voyeuristic experience. He was masturbating when I walked in at lunch, purposely letting me catch him and opening the door to another avenue of sexual play. We were happy, connected and very, very sexually in tune and active.

We tried to have sex for the first time after my accident about a month after I had been home. He figured masturbating for each other would be the least painful for me since my ribs were still bothering me and hurting. I had an orgasm---and the PAIN!! It was excruciating!! I could not breathe!! It would be another month before I tried that again, but in the meantime, I made sure he was satisfied physically.

And the arguing began. It started out as little things, why I could not remember the milk at the store, then led into larger and more serious arguments. I was noticing that I could not stay focused on a task and jumped around from idea to idea never finishing anything. This also took a large toll on our relationship. Not to mention my businesses.

Finally I left him. I could not handle his treatment of me. I was not a child to be told what to do, how to think and how to act. He was frustrated because I was not the solid, reliable and stable woman he married. I had changed, and in the process, so had he. Neither one of us would admit to changing and neither one of us was going to work with the changes. We wanted me back the way I was, who I was. After a month and a half, and a trip for me out of state to see my daughter, we realized we were more miserable apart than we were together. I moved back in to the house and we decided to try to get along.

For the next year, we were in limbo. Loving each other but not liking each other very much. His drinking escalated to a danger zone for the relationship and his health. My undiagnosed ADD was worsening as the stress levels climbed. The only solace we found was sex and that wasn't even the same. I was able to orgasm again, but lost my ability to squirt due to the fear of pain. My G-spot was scared into hiding and we were back where we started; only knowing what we had lost along the way. Little frustrations managed to crawl into our sexual relationship as well. I was physically healed up, there was no reason I could not function as before.

I was in a rut, trying so hard to be normal and not succeeding. I wanted to get back to where I was before the wreck and was desperate to get ME back. To lose this person who was impulsive, jumping around, easily frustrated and who could not focus or complete even the most minor tasks. Desperate, I decided to seek help.

I was officially diagnosed with impact related ADD. I went through many counseling sessions and realized that the person I used to be was a part of me that is in the past. I needed to reconcile that with whom I had become, with the damage and disorder that I would live with permanently. With this knowledge and understanding, my search began.

  The Road Home...To Eden.

With my new knowledge and acceptance, I set out on a journey to see who I had become and to make the best of this situation. I performed many hours of research, learned about brain exercises, personality disorders and cues for setting off episodes, and how to retrain my brain to bypass the damaged area. Let me tell you--there is a lot of B.S. and hypothetical theories out there!! I decided to try different things until I found some that worked.

Oh, and in the meantime I also decided to get my squirt back! Wake that G-spot up and get busy again. With the other issues in our relationship, at least that was a solace, a common ground to hopefully build from and keep us together.

I was searching for a G-spot toy, found more than I care to know about, and ended up on a site called 'EdenFantasys'. It had reviews of these toys I had seen on my searches and eagerly, I read all of them I could process. I made my decision after about 7 hours of reading the reviews and spotted a small ad about reviewing products for the site. It even said I would get the items free AND get points to use on future purchases. Of course, this was too good to be true! I am not stupid, if it sounds too good to be true, there is a serious catch in there somewhere! My husband agreed and told me not to sign up--and I agreed.

I did not order the toy, either. A couple hours later, he was mowing the yard and I decided to peek at Eden again, to find out what the catch was so I could ease my mind and forget about it. I could not find one. I signed up, and just to see what would happen, wrote my first review on my trusty Vibro Dolphin Rocket. I had quite a few positive votes and comments. The site did give me the points, even though I had no idea what to do with them. So I wrote my second review, on KY Jelly. Yep, something all of us older women knew all about and had in abundance! I got points, and people liked my review! I checked out more of the site and tried the voting up to Advanced Reviewer. A couple hours later, I was in--yep, made it to where the catch would be!! I ordered my first 'free' toy for review and paid NOTHING?! Then I told my husband.

We decided to check it out for a while and review the item. I received it, played with it and submitted my review. We also found out that the only catch to the free toys, community and participation at Eden is a better sex life and positive benefits that will carry out into your personal life. While I was waiting for the votes, I realized that for the first time in two years, I had completed a task from beginning to end! I did not get distracted or forget to follow through. I finished the review and even wrote the follow ups on my previous ones. I had an idea.

I made a plan for me to write 2-3 reviews per week and if I stuck to it with no sidetracking, I would buy a toy as a reward. It worked! And as I have become more involved with the site, I have still managed to stick to the goals I set, finish my projects and become more reliable. I also noticed these traits becoming more frequent in my daily life, not just on the site. And yes, my G-spot woke up-with a vengeance-and I am a squirt queen again!

Reviewing for Eden has helped me to learn about structuring my focus by using goals, responsibility and fun. The fun is a bit obvious, the responsibility comes from the need to return the goodwill of Eden by writing the reviews, and the goals are personal numbers or events that key my motivation. I have written 361 reviews, am one of the top 3 reviewers in ranking, am a mentor, have been an editor and am one of Eden's biggest fans! I have gained confidence, pride in my accomplishments and am able to guide others where once I was so lost. I found a place to belong and acceptance from a community of wonderful and caring people. I have discovered a better 'me' along the way!

My marriage, well-as much as I would love to say it is perfect and amazing and being part of Eden has made us bulletproof, it hasn't. What it has done is give us new experiences with toys we would never have tried, allowed us to open up to each other again and become closer with the bond we have built during our sexual adventures, given me a place to vent my frustrations and hurts-so I do not take them out on my husband, and in doing all this-has helped us to rebuild a new relationship as the people we are now. We still argue, have our better and worse days, but overall the stress is down, we have rediscovered our deep love and learned to accept that we each have changed since that one fateful day.

30 seconds can change your life.....but it is up to you to decide what to do with the changes. I am grateful for having the opportunity to make my journey to Eden.


Lady Payne  

You are an incredibly strong woman! And yours is truly an amazing story! I know it sounds weird but I started tearing up a little at the end. Your story really touched me. I can't even begin to put it into words.


Amazing story! Thank you for sharing your experience with us!


Thank you for all the support and encouragement! This was very hard to write, it is so personal, but your responses and understanding have made the effort worthwhile and healing.


I've been on EF for one month & I think this article should be recommended reading for newbies! It's an absolutely beautifully written story! I applaud your decision to share such personal insight into your journey back from tragedy. You may never know how many people you touched with this article, but I want you to know, (for personal reasons I won't get into), how profoundly it touched me!

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