This used to be a huge source of contention in my marriage. My hormones are raging almost constantly, and sex just wasn’t fitting into the picture as often as I wanted or needed it. Life gets in the way, and his sore knee has little sympathy for my rabid libido – and vice versa. We had some arguments about it. I made some bad decisions that made things worse. But then, as we made it easier to have a dialogue about sex – which we never really did before – it got better.
One of the things that has really helped is when I turned to him one night and asked, “Would you mind if I helped myself out with that problem I was telling you about earlier?” I think it had been one of those nights where we both wanted sex, but one or both of us was experiencing some sort of physical malady that prevented us from having it.
He, of course, told me he didn’t mind at all. In fact, he never would have minded. It was my own sense of insecurity that had prevented me from masturbating in my husband’s presence before. It felt awkward at first, but I got over it within a week or two. I hope he doesn’t regret his decision, because I usually have to “help myself out” – my favorite euphemism – any night we don’t have sex right before going to sleep.
It’s also made it easier for us to enjoy sex together, even when exhaustion, sickness, or injury prevents us from being able to have intercourse. Now that I’m more comfortable about pleasuring myself in front of him, we can get into some heavy petting with each other before breaking off to finish the job ourselves with some mutual masturbation.
I think this simple fact has led to a more satisfying sex life for both of us. Let’s face it – sometimes you really are just too tired to get into the whole shebang with your partner, considering the time commitment involved in foreplay and ensuring both of you are satisfied. When you make yourself responsible for your own orgasms, at least from my personal experience, you can both be done in under two minutes. Then it doesn’t matter how late it was when you climbed into bed together!
These days, I don’t have to go to bed frustrated anymore, so I’m not building up any resentment (I was very resentful before) about lost sleep from that particular discomfort when my husband just isn’t into it that night. I know people talk about sexual frustration as something you should just be able to ignore, but it can have serious effects on your mental health and well-being. No one should be denied an orgasm. (Note to guys: This does not mean you’re allowed to pressure a woman into sleeping with you, so you don’t get blue balls. But you can grab yourself a magazine and go to town with a little bit of lotion.)
It boggles my mind when I read articles online where women write in anonymously to some “relationship expert” somewhere with a question like, “Help! How do I get my boyfriend/husband to stop masturbating?”
I mean, seriously? Why would you take offense to this? Unless he’s choosing to fly solo instead of having sex with his partner, what’s the harm? No couple can have their respective sex drives in sync with each other 100 percent of the time, meaning someone’s either going to be frustrated or guilt-tripped into having sex when they don’t really feel like it. And that’s no fun in either case.
Oh sure, I know there are some religious taboos concerning masturbation, but I think that’s a separate issue entirely – one that should have been discussed earlier on in the relationship before it became a Big Issue. If women (and men) were able to see that touching yourself is about satisfying a biological urge – and not about any sort of failing in the relationship – I think we’d all be a lot happier.
Maybe your boss and coworkers wouldn’t be so cranky all the time if they were getting more satisfaction. Right? Plus, as I mentioned above, just because you’re the one getting yourself off in the end doesn’t mean you can’t involve your partner in getting warmed up.
How does everyone else feel about masturbating in front of their partner? Is it a turn on? Does it creep you out? Does it matter to you if the lights are on or off? I’m just curious. How would you feel if your partner brought up the subject with you?
One of the things that has really helped is when I turned to him one night and asked, “Would you mind if I helped myself out with that problem I was telling you about earlier?” I think it had been one of those nights where we both wanted sex, but one or both of us was experiencing some sort of physical malady that prevented us from having it.
He, of course, told me he didn’t mind at all. In fact, he never would have minded. It was my own sense of insecurity that had prevented me from masturbating in my husband’s presence before. It felt awkward at first, but I got over it within a week or two. I hope he doesn’t regret his decision, because I usually have to “help myself out” – my favorite euphemism – any night we don’t have sex right before going to sleep.
It’s also made it easier for us to enjoy sex together, even when exhaustion, sickness, or injury prevents us from being able to have intercourse. Now that I’m more comfortable about pleasuring myself in front of him, we can get into some heavy petting with each other before breaking off to finish the job ourselves with some mutual masturbation.
I think this simple fact has led to a more satisfying sex life for both of us. Let’s face it – sometimes you really are just too tired to get into the whole shebang with your partner, considering the time commitment involved in foreplay and ensuring both of you are satisfied. When you make yourself responsible for your own orgasms, at least from my personal experience, you can both be done in under two minutes. Then it doesn’t matter how late it was when you climbed into bed together!
These days, I don’t have to go to bed frustrated anymore, so I’m not building up any resentment (I was very resentful before) about lost sleep from that particular discomfort when my husband just isn’t into it that night. I know people talk about sexual frustration as something you should just be able to ignore, but it can have serious effects on your mental health and well-being. No one should be denied an orgasm. (Note to guys: This does not mean you’re allowed to pressure a woman into sleeping with you, so you don’t get blue balls. But you can grab yourself a magazine and go to town with a little bit of lotion.)
It boggles my mind when I read articles online where women write in anonymously to some “relationship expert” somewhere with a question like, “Help! How do I get my boyfriend/husband to stop masturbating?”
I mean, seriously? Why would you take offense to this? Unless he’s choosing to fly solo instead of having sex with his partner, what’s the harm? No couple can have their respective sex drives in sync with each other 100 percent of the time, meaning someone’s either going to be frustrated or guilt-tripped into having sex when they don’t really feel like it. And that’s no fun in either case.
Oh sure, I know there are some religious taboos concerning masturbation, but I think that’s a separate issue entirely – one that should have been discussed earlier on in the relationship before it became a Big Issue. If women (and men) were able to see that touching yourself is about satisfying a biological urge – and not about any sort of failing in the relationship – I think we’d all be a lot happier.
Maybe your boss and coworkers wouldn’t be so cranky all the time if they were getting more satisfaction. Right? Plus, as I mentioned above, just because you’re the one getting yourself off in the end doesn’t mean you can’t involve your partner in getting warmed up.
How does everyone else feel about masturbating in front of their partner? Is it a turn on? Does it creep you out? Does it matter to you if the lights are on or off? I’m just curious. How would you feel if your partner brought up the subject with you?
I'm the same way, unless i'm so tired, I fall asleep immediately, I need an orgasm before bed. Plus taking care of yourself before bed means mutual activities can occur earlier, when both parties are less tired and more on their A-game, which is better for everyone.
My boyfriend is kind of conservative so I think it would be too awkward. But it's great that you can use it to overcome your problem!
I love this article! My boyfriend and I have been using toys in the bed for quite a while, but it is only recently we have decided to use them on ourselves. He finds it a huge turn on for me to masturbate infront of him and I find it irrestable to watch him touch himself. We never let eachother touch ourselves too long though, before we know it, we are on top of eachother fucking away. I think it is a great way to start things up. Much sexier than, "So, wanna do it?". I'm glad your problem has been resolved and I wish you a happy sex life in the future!
This was a very interesting article! I would say at first it creeped me out but then I felt kind of sexy because he couldn't keep his eyes off me and eventually couldn't keep his hands off me. I believe masturbation is an important part in any humans sex life because it relieve much needed stress.
lol I did this morning lying in bed while my fiance was having a conversation with me. He stopped looked down and was like ...Are you touching yourself? My reply, What does it look like?, next thing ya know boosha boosha boosha Boom Boom Boom LOL
If she's not in the mood my wife is ok with it if I knock a quick one out. She's seen me masturbate so many times in the last twenty years it's almost a cliche. I'll be honest and say I love the exhibition of Jerking Off in front of her combined with her blase' attitude about it. However if we're both in the mood, there's no mutual masturbation going on. It's some good loving we're after and having. I feel very blessed that I have her. Not just for the relationship we have but because it's also shame free.
You're horny? Go ahead and pop one off Honey. Afterwards, was it good? That's nice, here's a Kleenex.
This is one thing my husband and I have never argued on. We masturbate together and separately (cause sometimes you don't want an audience) and then when we're having sex we'll share fantasies we've been going over. I have never understood the objection to masturbation. It feels good for a reason and if you can enjoy it together it just makes you a stronger couple.
Hell sometimes we tell each other to go off and have a little "self satisfaction" its healthy, it's normal and its HOT.
my hubby loves it now if i could just get him to do it