"To me, contentment is where you can work out a way for both parties to be content, neither unhappy. This often requires a creative mind, but it can be done."
Knowledge Is Power
Know Your Boundaries and Your Partner's
I do always say "knowledge is power," and in this case, it couldn't be more true! Remember when you were a kid -- those of you with siblings -- and you learned that popping your chewing gum or embarrassing your sibling upset them, and you first realized you could use it to your advantage, by doing it just to upset them? Great advice: never do that to a spouse! Sure, learn what infuriates them, and do use it to your advantage, but your advantage here would be to avoid it and in turn, avoid being jack-slapped!
Does your partner know what sends you into a blind, raging fury? Are they careful to avoid doing/saying what triggers you? I don’t normally go over-the-top angry, but there is something that will have me seeing red and that happens to be when someone gives me demands. During arguments or just a strained, less than happy day, being demanded to do or not do something is best to be avoided because it’s the one thing that truly sends me unnecessarily over the healthy level of angry.
If my partner demands something from me during an argument or even a little frustrated moment, I’ll give him the warning with my eyes or words, and usually kindly. It’s the warning. Then, if it happens again, I’ll step it up and say, “Remember, don’t give me demands, it sends me off the deep end and I don’t want to become that angry.” He rarely goes further, but there has been a particular, nasty incident, a big, out of control misunderstanding actually. One that was so silly that had we gotten to the root of the problem, went and just asked a specific person if what was suspected of me was true, the entire thing never would’ve happened, but instead we put that off until a nasty fight had long begun.
Absolutely know what sets your partner off and let them know what sends you over the edge. It may seem a funny topic for a new relationship, but it’s pretty important to have a discussion with a partner on what sets each other off.
When being given demands in an argument, I've warned my partner that calmness is the key. I told him I’d been calm and civil with him throughout the fight and I should be given the same respect. When someone is overly angry though, something has to be done. You should address what calms you. Know what angers you, and act on lessening it to a degree where you can be civil with the person you love and not do/say things that will hurt them for a long time to come. It’s rarely worth it to get that angry.
Say you can’t tolerate when someone gets in your face repeatedly during arguments, you need to voice that to your partner, let them know that that type of behavior makes it hard for you to continue being calm. Respect is the key here. Respect and control. My partner could go from calm to furious if I said he was a POS spouse, and of course I do not feel he is a POS spouse, but during heated moments, I can admit that it’s crossed my mind to yell it! I avoid that though. Like I said, hurt feelings can linger for much longer than some arguments or tempers.
If it helps, find what makes you feel the most relieved, and think of that particular thing or activity that brings you relief and comfort. This actually is one method that kept me calm just tonight during an argument, probably not the healthiest thought in the world to think, but it’s what brought me back to Earth, back to reality and kept steam and fire from being cast out my ears.
So knowing the things your partner and you yourself cannot tolerate is important, but you should also strive to respect their ways. Don’t purposefully say or do the things that make them irate. Say your spouse has very angered feelings towards being called hateful names such as "whore" or something hateful about their body/person. The best thing to do is never cross that line. It's that simple. Leave the room. Or if you must, come up with a really sweet name that "represents" what you feel like saying, and use it instead. It could even lessen the tension; say you replaced the ugly word with "kitten" or "winking beaver," how much could those words hurt? Not to mention, you might even find the fight turns into a hee-hawing laughing match instead!
Recommended Homework
I’m a thinker and planner. I like to plan what I’d do in certain situations, so for those of you like me, this may be helpful. Most of us have certain topics that tend to bring a conversation to a boiling point, and most of us know exactly what the topic is. For instance, say the one thing that always ends in argument is the topic of money. However, you cannot avoid talking about such important matters, so what I like to do when I know there’s a topic that will definitely be brought up and cause turmoil, I take careful time to think through what I’ll say and how I can say it so that it doesn’t cause my partner to steam. This has helped me so much! When you’ve planned what you want/need to say, and can go over it in your mind in a calm way, you’re more likely to be calm when the time comes for it to be brought up.
Another thing I recommend is reading the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray. For those of you who have read it, I highly recommend reading bits of it with your spouse, especially the parts that apply to you. Reading with a partner is a bonding experience, and a book like this is a good way to do a little bonding and understanding of each other in a peaceful manner.
The reason I recommend that book is because several years ago, it was recommended to me! When my partner and I first met, I was taking GED school classes and I’d had a close relationship with the teacher. During our first year of dating – my partner and me, not my teacher and me – he began taking classes with me. There were a few instances where we’d been in the midst of stress. You know how it is, the first year together, just learning about each other and such. The teacher became a sort of mentor for the both of us, and during stressful times, she’d talk with us and often give advice on things like partnership. She lent me the book as well as The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, PhD, but both books provided me and him with a lot of insight on how to better communicate and be peaceful.
I do always say "knowledge is power," and in this case, it couldn't be more true! Remember when you were a kid -- those of you with siblings -- and you learned that popping your chewing gum or embarrassing your sibling upset them, and you first realized you could use it to your advantage, by doing it just to upset them? Great advice: never do that to a spouse! Sure, learn what infuriates them, and do use it to your advantage, but your advantage here would be to avoid it and in turn, avoid being jack-slapped!
Does your partner know what sends you into a blind, raging fury? Are they careful to avoid doing/saying what triggers you? I don’t normally go over-the-top angry, but there is something that will have me seeing red and that happens to be when someone gives me demands. During arguments or just a strained, less than happy day, being demanded to do or not do something is best to be avoided because it’s the one thing that truly sends me unnecessarily over the healthy level of angry.
If my partner demands something from me during an argument or even a little frustrated moment, I’ll give him the warning with my eyes or words, and usually kindly. It’s the warning. Then, if it happens again, I’ll step it up and say, “Remember, don’t give me demands, it sends me off the deep end and I don’t want to become that angry.” He rarely goes further, but there has been a particular, nasty incident, a big, out of control misunderstanding actually. One that was so silly that had we gotten to the root of the problem, went and just asked a specific person if what was suspected of me was true, the entire thing never would’ve happened, but instead we put that off until a nasty fight had long begun.
Absolutely know what sets your partner off and let them know what sends you over the edge. It may seem a funny topic for a new relationship, but it’s pretty important to have a discussion with a partner on what sets each other off.
When being given demands in an argument, I've warned my partner that calmness is the key. I told him I’d been calm and civil with him throughout the fight and I should be given the same respect. When someone is overly angry though, something has to be done. You should address what calms you. Know what angers you, and act on lessening it to a degree where you can be civil with the person you love and not do/say things that will hurt them for a long time to come. It’s rarely worth it to get that angry.
Say you can’t tolerate when someone gets in your face repeatedly during arguments, you need to voice that to your partner, let them know that that type of behavior makes it hard for you to continue being calm. Respect is the key here. Respect and control. My partner could go from calm to furious if I said he was a POS spouse, and of course I do not feel he is a POS spouse, but during heated moments, I can admit that it’s crossed my mind to yell it! I avoid that though. Like I said, hurt feelings can linger for much longer than some arguments or tempers.
If it helps, find what makes you feel the most relieved, and think of that particular thing or activity that brings you relief and comfort. This actually is one method that kept me calm just tonight during an argument, probably not the healthiest thought in the world to think, but it’s what brought me back to Earth, back to reality and kept steam and fire from being cast out my ears.
So knowing the things your partner and you yourself cannot tolerate is important, but you should also strive to respect their ways. Don’t purposefully say or do the things that make them irate. Say your spouse has very angered feelings towards being called hateful names such as "whore" or something hateful about their body/person. The best thing to do is never cross that line. It's that simple. Leave the room. Or if you must, come up with a really sweet name that "represents" what you feel like saying, and use it instead. It could even lessen the tension; say you replaced the ugly word with "kitten" or "winking beaver," how much could those words hurt? Not to mention, you might even find the fight turns into a hee-hawing laughing match instead!
Recommended Homework
I’m a thinker and planner. I like to plan what I’d do in certain situations, so for those of you like me, this may be helpful. Most of us have certain topics that tend to bring a conversation to a boiling point, and most of us know exactly what the topic is. For instance, say the one thing that always ends in argument is the topic of money. However, you cannot avoid talking about such important matters, so what I like to do when I know there’s a topic that will definitely be brought up and cause turmoil, I take careful time to think through what I’ll say and how I can say it so that it doesn’t cause my partner to steam. This has helped me so much! When you’ve planned what you want/need to say, and can go over it in your mind in a calm way, you’re more likely to be calm when the time comes for it to be brought up.
Another thing I recommend is reading the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray. For those of you who have read it, I highly recommend reading bits of it with your spouse, especially the parts that apply to you. Reading with a partner is a bonding experience, and a book like this is a good way to do a little bonding and understanding of each other in a peaceful manner.
The reason I recommend that book is because several years ago, it was recommended to me! When my partner and I first met, I was taking GED school classes and I’d had a close relationship with the teacher. During our first year of dating – my partner and me, not my teacher and me – he began taking classes with me. There were a few instances where we’d been in the midst of stress. You know how it is, the first year together, just learning about each other and such. The teacher became a sort of mentor for the both of us, and during stressful times, she’d talk with us and often give advice on things like partnership. She lent me the book as well as The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, PhD, but both books provided me and him with a lot of insight on how to better communicate and be peaceful.
Great article! My partner and I honestly never fight. Our personalities are very similar. We prefer to think things through before saying anything. Neither of us is ever offended by the other's honest opinion, no matter how harsh it may be.