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Why Porn is Good for the Married Man’s Soul…Seriously!

Why Porn is Good for the Married Man’s Soul…Seriously!
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You might hear people make outrageous claims such as “Porn destroys more marriages than crack cocaine!” “Porn drives married couples apart!” I hate to break it to you, but that’s hogwash. Porn is the glue that holds families together. Porn is good. Porn is the bread and butter of any married person’s sexual existence. Porn is an integral part of 21st century living.

  A Real World Example

I could go on and on, but let me speak from the horse’s mouth for a moment. I’m married. I have kids. And I love porn. That’s not to say I’m locking myself away in my office and jacking off like a monkey on meth to online paparazzi snapshots of Jenna Jameson or Keira Knightley, but if I need some private “me” time once or twice a week, I’m game. Married men know that women can completely lose their sexual appetite once they force a bowling-ball-sized kid out of their lovin’ ovens.

I’m not blaming, I’m just stating fact. It’s understandable. But it’s also understandable that men require some regular sexual interaction or they lose an IQ point every other day (I think that’s from a Stanford University study back in the 1980s). Also, not having that argument (see below) can do wonders for keeping a relationship on track.

Him: . . . but it’s been two weeks.
Her: So?
Him: Baby, I LOVE you. I just want to show you how much.
Her: Go to Hallmark.
Him: C’mon. Let’s just fool around.
Her: Touch me with that thing, you’ll wish you had it as good as John Wayne Bobbitt.
Him: What about a quickie? A fast tug job? A speedy tossed salad?
Her: Get. Out.

Or, there’s this popular 2 A.M. scenario.

Him: MMmmmMMMmmm.
Her: Hey! (WHACK!)
Him: OOOoooOOOOoo.

  Don’t Take My Word for It

You might be saying to yourself that I’m just one man living in his own world of depravity—what do I know? I might be just some kind of freak who writes w(h)acky sex articles for online magazines. True enough, I suppose. So let’s focus on the big picture—the real world that you live and breathe in. It’s about as porn-free as Congress is honest. Porn is everywhere. Why? It’s as American as apple pie, Schlitz, and steroid-using baseball players. The government wouldn’t let us indulge so deeply into it if it was bad for us, would it?

If the bandwagon effect isn’t persuasive enough, let’s look to media for our cues—after all, we let Sesame Street and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? teach our kids what the schools can’t/won’t, so why not see what the boob tube has to say on this matter? It doesn’t take a Nielsen check to see examples of porn being a positive influence in the male/female relationship throughout the media world. Here are just a few obvious examples.

1.) The Smurfs. 8,000 males—one female. The only reason all those little blue dudes could keep their hands off Smurfette was their itty-bitty stashes of Smurf porn. (I hear the whole “tiny url” thing was part of their online porn scheme before Gargamel stole the idea and commercialized it for Twitter use.)
2.) Jon Gosselin. The only thing that held marriage together as long as it did? Porn. It even helped him through her stupid reverse mullet mom-do phase. If only Hugh Hefner would’ve sent him a mongo supply of mags and vids, we’d still be guessing when the Jon & Kate Plus 8 breakup was coming. Kind of like a Dead Pool for celebrity relationships. (Keep an eye on TomKat—you heard it here first, folks!)
3.) Barry Bonds. If he had more porn, maybe he wouldn’t need to have juiced himself in other ways.
4.) American Idol. I hear that Paula and Simon watched Saturday Night Beaver and Pulp Friction before each show. No wonder they pawed at each other as if they were alone in a No-Tell Motel. (Yes, Paula has moved on to greener pastures, but that doesn’t mean her eight-year tease with Mr. Cowell wasn’t a result of some quality flesh flicks.)
5.) Denzel and Pauletta Washington. How’d they stay married and out of the tabloid headlines for 26 years? Porn, porn, porn.

  The Porn Plan for a Better Family

Instead of being some nasty, dark secret, porn is part of my home life, and everything’s better for that fact. Now it’s not like I have a VirtuaGirlHD screensaver of some leggy blonde in high-heeled leather boots and a black vinyl catsuit doing the Watusi on my computer, but if I want porn, it’s here. I know it. My wife knows it. Even my two kids know it.

“Oh my freaking God! His kids know about porn?” Yeah. It’s off-limits to them until they’re a bit older, just like cigarettes, booze, and drugs. Here’s the really crazy thing—they’re okay with it. It’s just SOP around our household. We un-taboo it, and it loses a lot of its appeal. I’ve got a copy of Rocki Roads’ Wet Dreams near the DVD player and no one’s seen it but me. (My wife watched the first few minutes with me once, but said, “This is ridiculous. No piano teacher would dress like that.”


Maybe she’s right, but I’m glad that piano teacher did.

  The Final Word on Porn . . . for Now

Maybe Justice Potter Stewart had it right back in 1964 when he said, “I can’t define pornography, but I know it when I see it.” It’s not 1964 anymore—porn is king and it’s here to say. We all know it when we see it, and we see it a lot, so get onboard or get out of the way (or Jenna Jameson will crush you with her oiled, silky-smooth thighs in a deathlock any MMA fighter would envy).

If it’s okay for Diane Keaton to play a character who runs a porn magazine for women in an upcoming HBO show, who am I to say “No!”?

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