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Cis People, Read This If You Plan on Dating Someone Who Is Trans* or Queer

Cis People, Read This If You Plan on Dating Someone Who Is Trans* or Queer Image courtesy of Fizzygato
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Are you cis and dating or considering dating a person who is trans* or queer and you're not sure how to handle the relationship? Even if you don't feel very sure, being in a relationship with someone who's trans* or queer can be a pretty complicated thing, because they may actively question things you otherwise don't. So read on, even if you're feeling confident that you can handle the relationship, because trust me, even if you think you know it all, you don't!

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Great article. I think you summed up all areas that cisgender persons need to know about before dating someone who is trans* or queer. It is important in all relationships to be honest and have respectful communication. I like that you point out in the article that respect to gender identity, names, and pronouns should no be only for partners but for everyone in general. Great job!!


you make some great points, thank you for writing this. It sounds complicated , but really i think it's just about respect, common sense, communication, and education. and not making assumptions. but really that's true in any relationship.


in other words: R E S P E C T
great job


Basically I love this to pieces and I wish I could more easily find partners who understood this. But if I get a partner who doesn't get it, I might just link them casually to it because this sums it up perfectly. Respect me! I respect you!


Thank you so much for writing this!


Fantastic. Thank you.


I'm not sure that there's any meaningful difference between "my name" and "my preferred name." Preferences generally aren't things that one can conveniently slip on or off and quite frequently DO form crucial portions of one's identity. Furthermore, the term "preference" doesn't exclusively or even predominantly apply to trivial matters--e.g., a person's preference for chocolate ice cream or for cool, dry weather--but is frequently deployed in a variety of critical identity contexts. Perhaps there's some bizarre, half-fleshed out version of the word in common parlance that means something less than the robust concept of preferences I'm familiar with from all the identity- and preference-theory I've done, but quite simply, it is perfectly accurate to say that a trans* (or cis) person's preferred name is such-and-such and that means precisely the same thing as saying that their name just is such-and-such.


To be clear, if I'm around a trans* person who really doesn't like the "preferred name" terminology, I won't just insist that they're wrong and continue using it anyway. The fact that the phrases are technically equivalent means that I'll happily use whichever the person happens to prefer (for whatever reason, be that certain connotations that they pick up on, past experiences they may have had with one phrase or the other, and so on).


Great article! Very informative.


I'm curious about all of the hesitancy to ask questions of your partner. I understand completely that when people are just dating that there's no real reason to ask the prying questions as people open up in their own time, but why can't someone ask why their partner changed their name on facebook? I can't imagine being in any sort of relationship (and quite honestly friendship) with someone and having them feel uneasy about asking questions since asking questions is the best way to get educated about something.


Also, great article and very informative!



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