There's No Such Thing as a Stupid Question...
Which is why I now humbly present to you but a few of the questions I hear most often:
1. My wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t understand my needs for extracurricular activity, so I’m thinking about going outside the relationship. Where can I meet people?
Alright, buddy. I get it. You’re horny, you’re needy, you’re a big bag of hormones on a rampage the likes of which make the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona look like a Sunday walk in the park. What’s your first step? Be honest with your partner. Even if you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship, this isn’t the kind of thing that someone wants to find out months or years down the road. If you don’t know how to broach the subject, there are plenty of great books out there on how to talk to your partner about sexual interests and needs. If you’re scared that you’ll hurt their feelings, then imagine how much more they’ll be hurt when they found out you’ve lied to them. So—if it’s really that important to you, try to do it with their understanding, or compromise with them to get at least some of what you both want. And you never know—they may be interested in it, too!
2. I’ve never had an orgasm with my current lover, and I don’t know how to tell them what I want. Help!
Wow…I applaud you for taking control of your own pleasure! The first thing to do is to make sure they stop doing anything that is actively turning you off…for example, yanking on your clit or cock like it’s a pinball plunger, or playing “Come in, Radio Tokyo” with your nips. The challenge with a new partner—or a partner that we haven’t told about our wants—is breaking any habits they have picked up from other partners over the years. Nobody gets off the exact same way as someone else, and yet most of us make the assumption that our partner likes whatever it is that we’re doing.
Once you start guiding them away from the negative, immediately point out the positive – and exclaim in delight when they do it! Tell them that you really love having your whatchamacallit stroked, and tell them when they’re doing it right. The key is to make sure that they’re drawing positive reinforcement from their actions so that they’ll be more likely to do it again in the future.
And from now on? Stop faking orgasms. It’s not good for you, it’s not good for them, and it’s not good for their future partners. Because let me tell you—nothing is worse than someone who thinks they’re a great lover when they’re really in need of a double-semester at Remedial Fuck School. And if you think I’m just talking to the women—think again. I know some of you guys out there fake it, too.
3. I can’t find my g-spot / prostate. I don’t think I have one.
Trust me. You have one. Everyone does. You may not enjoy having it messed around with, and you may not even get much discernable feeling from fiddling with it, but it’s there. Remember what I said above—that not everyone gets off on the same things? Well, these aren’t any different. And yes, g- and p-spot play is all the rage to talk about now, but that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. If you want to try to find it, check out our guides, schedule a nice relaxing evening alone or with a partner, and get the right tools for the job. And trust me—even if you don’t’ find it, the exploring is a helluva lot of fun!
4. Why can’t I put candy / soda / unwrapped fruit / caramel syrup in my partner’s vagina?
Because if you do, she might get a yeast infection. And if she does, then she’ll be very unhappy. Her vagina will be unhappy. And that will make YOU unhappy. Trust us on this.
And while you’re at it—don’t shove household objects in there. But I know some of you will, so at least wrap it up in a condom, ‘k? And keep the number to the nearest ER next to your phone, just in case.
5. So, I like to do something that seems weird (putting a dildo in my butt, making out with my girlfriend while my husband watches, whacking off while listening to The Captain and Tennille)—am I normal? Is it okay???
I promise you – whatever it is that you are into, someone else is, and they’ve got a website and sell photos of it, too. Seriously. Into wearing diapers? There are groups exclusively devoted to adult babies. Want to fuck guys dressed up in superhero costumes? Ditto.
The questions to ask yourself are:
• Am I doing this because it feels good (both physically and emotionally)?
• Am I doing this with everyone involved fully consenting?
• Is what I’m doing going to cause permanent harm to me or someone else?
• Am I aware of the risks involved and willing to accept them?
If you answered “yes”, chances are pretty good that what you’re doing is perfectly fine—a “no” means that it’s time to check your motives. Our sexuality—including who we do it with, what we do, and why we do it—should be about us giving & receiving pleasure, not about trying to keep up with the Joneses (unless of course, the Joneses are having amazing, varied sex, in which case, invite them over).
So—if you have questions, should you ask them? Absolutely. Life is too short to have bad sex. And don’t think you can scare us. I haven’t even told you about the chick that asked me about Vienna Sausages and a full body neon green spandex suit…but that’s probably for the best. She seriously throws off the bell curve. But in my next column—I’ll spill the beans on the strangest, weirdest, most WTF questions I’ve heard. Just be sure to put your diapers on first…