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Sex and Anger, Part 2

Sex and Anger, Part 2
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Last month, we looked at how both acting out or suppressing anger can lead to angry sex or no sex at all. Today we delve into anger management. By learning to channel "darker" emotions in a positive way, you can actually boost intimacy and sexual response.

  Let Anger Management Improve Your Sex Life

Unfortunately, few of us know healthy ways to express our anger. Instead we learn to either control our anger or act it out. Both are dangerous. Controlling your anger can lead to depression, cancer, heart disease and other maladies. Acting out your anger actually compounds rather than relieves anger, to the detriment of both you and the ones you love.

Rather than suppress anger or act out—if you can learn to manage it, you can actually enhance your sex life. But many people find it difficult to believe that techniques devoid of eroticism can lead to better sex. Often this is due to the fact that we tend to see ourselves as a collection of parts rather than as a whole being. In reality, our emotions are tied to our sexuality in ways that can be mystifying.

Why Anger Management?

1. Suppressed anger leads to depression. Depression decreases sexual desire. Anti-depressants can inhibit sexual response. In some cases, anger management can eliminate depression and the need for anti-depressants. (Some depression is caused by chemical imbalances. You should check with your doctor before reducing or discontinuing any medication.)

2. The inability to express anger in a healthy fashion makes it difficult to express other emotions such as sexual joy. Anger management can restore your full expressive range of emotions including sexual joy.

3. Anger Management teaches assertion skills, which in turn, create emotional safety. Emotional safety allows you to experience pleasure more deeply.

4. Some rage is expressed through sexual dysfunction, which can manifest as inability to orgasm or female ejaculate, as well as premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Anger management provides a healthy outlet for anger and rage, providing fuller access to sexual response. (Sexual dysfunction can result from health issues, such as diabetes or smoking so always check with your health care provider to rule these out.)

5. Anger management provides tools for sharing feelings and solving interpersonal difficulties. Shared feelings and agreements with your partner can create increased sexual desire for your partner.

  Seven Steps Toward Anger Management

Dealing with emotions is an excellent way to improve sex and since anger is one of the more taboo emotions, I encourage you to develop the tools that will provide you with a healthy connection and expression of your anger. Try it. You may improve your sex life in ways you never imagined. Here's how to get started:

1. Breathe. When you feel anger, breathe into it and notice the physical symptoms such as tightening muscles or a hot feeling in your arms, fists, etc.

2. While you continue to breathe deeply, ask yourself what thoughts are creating the angry feelings.

3. Change your self-talk to something more positive.

4. Experience empathy for yourself and the person(s) you are angry with.

5. If your anger is verging upon rage you may choose to take a time-out.

6. Depending upon what is triggering your anger, you may wish to assert a boundary or ask for what you need in the moment.

7. Take full responsibility for your emotions and the expression of those emotions. Having an uncooperative partner is NEVER justification for acting anger out.

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Interviews with Veronica Monet

  • Veronica Monet was a high-end escort who catered to married men for nearly 15 years. Now she teaches couples to create compassion, connection and a revitalized sex life through specific communication techniques. How did her work as an escort prepare her for her current role as a Couples Consultant?

    There is nothing predictable about Veronica Monet's life. Born to conservative parents and homeschooled, she went on to graduate college with honors and then pursue a seven-year corporate career. Addictions to alcohol and cocaine led to therapy and her eventual sobriety which framed her subsequent life choices in a spiritual context. Amazingly, this change in direction included a new career in the sex industry much to the dismay of everyone around her including her family and closest friends. During her 14 years as a high-end escort and courtesan, Veronica Monet was married to the love of her life and when she wasn't traveling with wealthy businessmen and staying in expensive hotels, she was home with her husband and step-children living a quiet and relatively normal suburban life. Today, Monet, divorced and still in a loving and romantic relationship with her ex-husband, works with other couples sharing the communication and sexual techniques which have helped her to sustain a meaningful connection with the same man for nearly three decades. Veronica's work with couples includes role-playing conflict resolution and activating the heart connection which naturally rebirths relationships and revives romance. How has the industry changed since Veronica began her career? Is this a career path that she would recommend to women today? What important lessons has Veronica learned along the way? Please join us in welcoming Veronica Monet to the Community Interview!

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