Do You Enjoy Angry Sex?
Most relationships begin with great sex. When we first start dating someone, we find attractive, our bodies release a cocktail of hormones that make heroin look like baby formula. “New Relationship Energy” usually lasts about two years—and feels amazing.
Sooner or later, though, these hormones normalize and we lose that feeling of “being high on love.” Our partner’s faults and obnoxious habits start to annoy us. We don’t know how to have a conversation about it, so we wait until we can’t take it anymore and explode in an angry outburst—or worse, we hold it inside, fuming with frustration under the surface of a forced smile.
Eventually the sex starts to suffer. Maybe in a desperate attempt to revive our lagging libidos, we resort to “anger sex” or “makeup sex.” Both can feel intoxicating in the moment. In fact, using anger to fuel passion is so common it’s entered the lexicon of current culture.
As defined by the Urban Dictionary, “anger sex” is: Getting back at a male or female by having angry sex with them. Although degrading, rough, emotional, and sometimes a tiny bit violent, this is not rape because it is consensual. Lack of foreplay, and dominance are the key points. The bottom line is “beat the pussy up.”
The Urban Dictionary defines “makeup sex” as: Rough and extremely gratifying sex had after an argument… The best way to take your anger out on your significant other.
I don’t have anything against rough sex or dominance. BDSM is one of my favorite pastimes, but what sets BSDM apart from violence is that not only is it consensual, but negotiated. It takes skill and expertise to practice BDSM, but simply directing unresolved anger for a particular person toward that same person’s genitals is violence. And it’s a sad substitute for the hot sex people can enjoy when they learn healthy ways to deal with their underlying anger issues.
Ultimately, directing anger toward your partner during sex will lead to dissatisfaction. When you express anger in this manner, you diminish the level the trust and intimacy. You also run the risk of inflaming your anger further, so the net result is that you feel angrier in the long run—even if you do experience some short-term relief.
Sooner or later, though, these hormones normalize and we lose that feeling of “being high on love.” Our partner’s faults and obnoxious habits start to annoy us. We don’t know how to have a conversation about it, so we wait until we can’t take it anymore and explode in an angry outburst—or worse, we hold it inside, fuming with frustration under the surface of a forced smile.
Eventually the sex starts to suffer. Maybe in a desperate attempt to revive our lagging libidos, we resort to “anger sex” or “makeup sex.” Both can feel intoxicating in the moment. In fact, using anger to fuel passion is so common it’s entered the lexicon of current culture.
As defined by the Urban Dictionary, “anger sex” is: Getting back at a male or female by having angry sex with them. Although degrading, rough, emotional, and sometimes a tiny bit violent, this is not rape because it is consensual. Lack of foreplay, and dominance are the key points. The bottom line is “beat the pussy up.”
The Urban Dictionary defines “makeup sex” as: Rough and extremely gratifying sex had after an argument… The best way to take your anger out on your significant other.
I don’t have anything against rough sex or dominance. BDSM is one of my favorite pastimes, but what sets BSDM apart from violence is that not only is it consensual, but negotiated. It takes skill and expertise to practice BDSM, but simply directing unresolved anger for a particular person toward that same person’s genitals is violence. And it’s a sad substitute for the hot sex people can enjoy when they learn healthy ways to deal with their underlying anger issues.
Ultimately, directing anger toward your partner during sex will lead to dissatisfaction. When you express anger in this manner, you diminish the level the trust and intimacy. You also run the risk of inflaming your anger further, so the net result is that you feel angrier in the long run—even if you do experience some short-term relief.
Same-Old, Same-Old Blues?
Some so-called “experts” will tell you that when sex loses its edge, it’s a sign your relationship has “matured.” Don’t you believe it! Yes, that potent hormonal cocktail may no longer be clouding your powers of perception, but that doesn’t have to spell the end of hot sex with your partner.
When it comes to amore, it isn’t so much familiarity that “breeds contempt,” but a build-up of unexpressed emotions—especially those emotions we consider “negative.” Unresolved anger is often the cause of low sexual desire in long-term relationships.
Sex and emotions are inextricably linked because humans are not machines. Finding the right button, the magic formula, or some other quick fix may transform the monotonous into the ecstatic, but the improvements are short-lived.
The unattached can also experience sexual boredom in spite of sexual variety. Flitting from one transitory experience to another can be tons of fun, and you may be able to sustain that erotic edge for quite awhile. But in time, even this will begin to wear thin as you find yourself craving “something more.”
In addition, I’ve found that suppressed anger is a huge factor in sexual dysfunction for both men and women. Conditions such as erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation for men, or the inability to orgasm or female ejaculate for women, are not always due to physical problems. Often, the source of such problems is emotional.
When it comes to amore, it isn’t so much familiarity that “breeds contempt,” but a build-up of unexpressed emotions—especially those emotions we consider “negative.” Unresolved anger is often the cause of low sexual desire in long-term relationships.
Sex and emotions are inextricably linked because humans are not machines. Finding the right button, the magic formula, or some other quick fix may transform the monotonous into the ecstatic, but the improvements are short-lived.
The unattached can also experience sexual boredom in spite of sexual variety. Flitting from one transitory experience to another can be tons of fun, and you may be able to sustain that erotic edge for quite awhile. But in time, even this will begin to wear thin as you find yourself craving “something more.”
In addition, I’ve found that suppressed anger is a huge factor in sexual dysfunction for both men and women. Conditions such as erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation for men, or the inability to orgasm or female ejaculate for women, are not always due to physical problems. Often, the source of such problems is emotional.
Excellent article. Thanks.