Sometimes I think people spend way too much time avoiding their feelings and being afraid of what they "might" feel.

Being successful at polyamory is not at all contingent on not having or experiencing jealousy. We ALL feel jealousy because it's a human emotion. The difference seems to be the amount of time and energy poly folk devote to dealing with jealousy.

Just recently my life partner met and was interested in another woman. She is younger than I am and thinner, blonder, speaks polish like he does...the list goes on and on about our differences. Was I jealous? Yes, of course I was!
The difference between myself after quite a few years of being actively poly is I dealt with the jealousy by remembering that every night he came home to me...even if he was bubbling over with stories about her. He was telling them to ME! He was interacting with our son and daughters and was so happy and alive. Could I deny him this joy? He never denies me the joy of loving my other partner...in fact he has come to respect and love him as much as I do. Perhaps I could have such a warm relationship with another wonderful person chosen by my beloved. How wonderful would that be? Unfortunately it fell through but the experience was priceless even if he did get hurt.

I find that I still get jealous when my partner, Sigel, finds someone to play with but that has more to do with our shared past and the fact that I am still dealing with that past. Still, he comes home to me and he is SO much more attentive and happy when he is playing.

I have two amazing partners who make my evenings warm and our home peaceful. We have two incomes and a person to nurture the children 24 hours a day. Our three children have always got an adult ready to listen, advise and help. How could jealousy be allowed to ruin such an amazing life?

We are taught from a young age that anger, hatred, rage and sadness are emotions that we are supposed to control. We are supposed to work on not being consumed by these emotions. The thing is jealousy is the most destructive imposter emotion that humans can feel. It is really fear of loss being magnified until it takes over our reasoning capabilities and makes us act the opposite of how we know we should be acting.

Then you have the crux of the issue: it's "OK" to be jealous of and jealously guard all interactions our beloved has with the outside world. This is seen as an expression of love, when it is completely the opposite. While I would never say that choosing monogamy is a hostile or non-loving relationship style I will say that praising jealousy and making it the reason for being monogamous ruins every relationship it touches.

When you are jealous of your partner you are robbing them of the trust that should exist between you and you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to grow by experiencing and dealing with (mastering, if you will) your emotions...ALL of them. A child freely feels negative emotions and we gently give them room to learn to constructively deal with those energies. As an adult we must remember that jealousy is simply an emotion. No one will ever die from feeling jealousy, it's unpleasant but you WILL move on if you let yourself.

Learn to see yourself through the eyes of a loving and confident partner. No one on this planet is you, and no one will ever measure up to the uniquely high standard that you set. Yes, a partner may come to love another person but no that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that their unique love for you is diminished.
Like I tell my guys; I do not love them equally. I love them equally fiercely. The only thing that is wrong with my husband, Sigel, is he isn't my life partner Arch. The only reason I do not leave my husband to be with Arch is that he is not Sigel. They are separate people and I love them AS separate people. In my day to day life I do not compare them in an effort to "rate" them. I have no need to do this because I am not forced to choose between them, therefore, they have no need to doubt my love and affection and can deal with other petty jealousies in a mature manner or however they see fit! They are free to manage their own emotions without my insisting they make sure I NEVER have to feel mine.

Does this help?