The New Intimacy

Poly. Is it for you?

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Contributor: Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
Relating to: [https://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sexual-health/love-triangle-61092/ | Blind Faith: When Polyamory Doesn't Work Out

Polyamory, Swinging, Open Marriages, Triads, Families, Free Love, Primaries and Secondaries...
All these things seem so popular these days; almost common and definitely very acceptable, especially in a sex positive community like this one.

But how do you feel on a personal level? Which of these (or other!) relationship dynamics work for you?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Polyamory
28
Swinging
13
Open Marriage/Free Love
10
Monogamy
96
Other; please talk about what that other may be
16
Total votes: 163 (125 voters)
Poll is closed
06/10/2009
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Contributor: Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
Aw, damn it. Sorry about the broken link. You should be able to copy and paste just the link part, though, to read the article. It's really, really good!
06/10/2009
Contributor: Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
My personal preference was for the little-known "polyfidelity," the idea of a group of people who are all with each other, but only with each other. There were two guys and two girls (including myself) in our personal circle, and we had really strict rules about letting new people in to the fold, and only one guy (for lack of a better term) made it in to make us a foursome. It was wonderful because you spent plenty of time with each person as an individual, but you also spent time with everyone as a group and even had time to yourself. It was somewhat open, but still safe and secure enough to keep the relationships stable.

I miss those days. =(
06/10/2009
Contributor: ~*SurrealisticFantasy*~ ~*SurrealisticFantasy*~
Quote:
Originally posted by Backseat Boohoo
My personal preference was for the little-known "polyfidelity," the idea of a group of people who are all with each other, but only with each other. There were two guys and two girls (including myself) in our personal circle, and we had ... more
I think a "polyfidelity" type relationship as you have described is theonly kind of polygamy that I would be able to accept in my own life, although I deifinitely don't frown upon others for being more open to this - I think it's great that people can be so comfortable and open with one another! I just happen to be someone who HAS to have a certain level of monogamy in my relationships, be it between just one other person and myself or between a few of us.

I am currently in a monogamous partnership, although the idea of adding another individual to this relationship isn't out of the question to me, so long as I knew that we were all only having sex with eachother.

I think it has a lot to do with trust for me. If I can't trust that you are only going to share yourself with me, then I don't care to share myself with you. I view sex as something very intimate and sacred that I will share with only a select few people in my lifetime, so knowing that someone is willing to be monogamous with me shows me that the gravity of me sharing myself in my most vulnerable of states is respected and valued by that person.
06/10/2009
Contributor: Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
I wish I could be a part of a polyamorous group, if only so I could explore all sides to my sexuality. However, as I am pretty committed to my boyfriend and we are both surprisingly jealous people, it is best that I just keep it a fantasy in my head. I am friends with a married couple who tried to maintain a polyamorous threesome with a somewhat younger woman. It was inspiring to see, but in the end, jealousy and insecurity broke them apart. It was sad... and it turned me off of ever thinking of that sort of relationship for myself "for realsies".
06/10/2009
Contributor: Red Red
I am poly and so so so happy this way. I got into it the crappy way that everyone warns about - suppressing it in myself lead to infidelity. It's amazing how much more comfortable I feel in my own skin no that I know it about myself.

My husband is poly-tolerant With means he'd rather be monogamous but he gets where I'm coming from and enjoys the feeling of freedom, plus, you know....the side benefits.

Poly is a broad reaching term. Everyone's poly will look distinct and different. It's a beautiful thing
06/11/2009
Contributor: LicentiouslyYours LicentiouslyYours
For people who can make it work, I think it's great. For me, it sucks dirty, rotten, stinky eggs. I am not necessarily opposed to sex outside of a committed relationship, depending on the circumstances. My personal philosophy is sex just is sex and emotional intimacy may or may not be included. If you are emotionally committed to me, I'd rather you not be emotionally involved with anyone else.

I think this is in part, because the poly situations I've been exposed to and have such a negative view of, have been hierarchical in nature. In other words, there is someone who comes first and someone who comes second. Usually both are women and the man involved has a dominant role. The probably always arises with person #2 doesn't want (or never really did want) to come last anymore.

Heh. Honestly I could go on for hours on this topic in a mostly negative fashion. But as I said before, I think when it involves people in a way that can work, like BB's "polyfidelity" concept, I think it can be a wonderful thing. It's just rare that I've found people who can do it well.
06/12/2009
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
I think that I am capable of it but I have a long way to go before that can happen, though.
06/12/2009
Contributor: imp imp
Quote:
Originally posted by Red
I am poly and so so so happy this way. I got into it the crappy way that everyone warns about - suppressing it in myself lead to infidelity. It's amazing how much more comfortable I feel in my own skin no that I know it about myself. ... more
Totally, poly is different for every person and the term covers an umbrella of relationship types. The poly relationship I am in is a triad. Perhaps down the track we may add one other in or look at casual kink play with a trusted friend but polyfidelity suits us well at this point.

I value each relationship as unique and just as important as the other, as we all do. We spend time together and apart and as couples at different points in the week. We are our own little family. We do not all sleep with each other either, yet are emotionally and intimately committed to one another. We are in this for the long haul. One male, one bi curious female and lil old me not bi sexual.

It works for us. We also don't use the primary or secondary stance either. No one is put before the other. The key thing to this working for us is we all have an ability to communicate very well.
06/12/2009
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
I chose all but monogamy since that is the only lovestyle I do not currently follow. I could see a situation where I'd be content in that lovestyle as well, for a time at least. With my husband I am free to be poly, swinger or just open. With my lover I am poly while he is monogamous. I tfind as I move more into the world of poly that the most sucessful relationships the "style" and approach to involving others flexes and this is a good thing. It allows the true evolution of a relationship be it between two people or twenty!
02/06/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by ~*SurrealisticFantasy*~
I think a "polyfidelity" type relationship as you have described is theonly kind of polygamy that I would be able to accept in my own life, although I deifinitely don't frown upon others for being more open to this - I think it's ... more
I am happy to see someone who really has taken the time to define for themselves what they are looking for in a relationship and more importantly WHY!
I can happily tell you that I thought the exact same thing before I met my life partner. I still see sex as the most intimate thing you can do with another human being, and also as something that is just pure sensation...no emotional attachment or intimacy.
When I choose to share my intimacy with another person I, too, want to know that they cherish that gift and that they are there in equal vulnerability. I like my current arrangement and am so content that I might not ever want to add another intimate to our mix. I am open to anyone either of my partners may wish to add but that's a bridge we'll have to cross later. I only hope I can do that with the same grace under pressure that my partners have shown to me.

Trust is one of those things that can grow back, it takes lots of hard work (like in a garden when the land is diseased) but it can be rebuilt stronger and more lasting. Still it sounds to me like you love and appreciate your current relationship and are content in it. That's the best place to be especially if you are open to exploring other lovestyles.
02/06/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Red
I am poly and so so so happy this way. I got into it the crappy way that everyone warns about - suppressing it in myself lead to infidelity. It's amazing how much more comfortable I feel in my own skin no that I know it about myself. ... more
Heh I find more and more as I look from the outside in that everyone's monogamy is also surprisingly different and beautiful.

I get what you mean though, I was poly-tolerant as well for many years before I met my life partner and just jumped in with both feet. I love the freedom and side benefits as well.
02/06/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by LicentiouslyYours
For people who can make it work, I think it's great. For me, it sucks dirty, rotten, stinky eggs. I am not necessarily opposed to sex outside of a committed relationship, depending on the circumstances. My personal philosophy is sex just is sex ... more
I, personally hate the heirarchy model...I would never be content in a #2 role nor would I want to force someone else into it. It just seems demeaning. My husband and our life partner share as equal a role as they can, sometimes one takes the lead and on other issues the other is primary focus. This works better for us. it's a situational thing rather than a you came first and you are expendable type of thing. I would grieve the loss of either of them equally so why would I want to treat one better than the other?

Even when we have had triads involving MFF we females stood equal simply because I won't have it any other way. Now we have had women who were wanting to explore submission and I'm ok with that since I believe that, as a Domme, I am supposed to treat my subs with respect and loving care.

Still I can see why you'd have nothing but negative things to say given your experiences! When we lost our first triad due to an unfortunate collision of problems I felt the same negative emotions regarding any form of non-monogamy. it just hurt so bad to lose someone I and my husband loved so deeply. I kinda watch this triad develope with a bit of trepidation due to that earlier loss but I think that's something like when you get hurt in any relationship...the next relationship is going to leave you reliving the loss at times.
02/06/2010
Contributor: LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
I selected monogamy and "other". My boyfriend and I are currently monogamous but curious about opening our relationship if we find the right person/people to join us. I'm reading The Ethical Slut right now (when I find any spare time), and I'll probably give it to him when I've finish it.
02/06/2010
Contributor: jedent jedent
I currently have a husband who I have been married to for six years and we have always wanted to have the "open" option open. We thought it would be a girl, but no. Six months ago we met our third. He's been a part of us for four months now, and I couldn't be happier. I'm a very needy girl and having two men is...well I don't know how I got along without two of them for all this time. There are so many benefits besides sexual.

Anyway, might not be the right place to plug, but I keep a blog that documents our journey as a "triforce" as we call ourselves at link

We're all still learning each other and ourselves, and seeing where this goes. It's actually going very fast which will either make or break us, but I wouldn't change a damn thing about this experience. We're all three having the time of our lives.
02/06/2010
Contributor: Darling Dove Darling Dove
Monogamy for me. I'm a jealous, possessive bitch and I am not afraid to admit it. Luckily, my fiance is similar, so we both want each other all to ourselves. While I can say I wouldnt mind an open relationship, in reality I would. I couldn't cope with just being one of many, and finding another person who we both loved would probably be impossible. There would be jealousy issues and lots of fights, and I am a bit of a loner in general so one person is my max for sharing my life with.
02/08/2010
Contributor: VelvetBound VelvetBound
My situation is quite a bit different from most I've read. I would probably identify with the 'swingers', but I am not current on the definitions so I'll just explain. Last year my Fiance and I decided to invite a close male friend into our bedroom. It was strictly for fun and I have no feelings for this friend (in that way). My Fiance is my first and WAS my only, so he suggested I explore and confided that he would love to see me with another man.

Since then we have had many sexual encounters with this individual. This has made our relationship surprisingly stronger, though I admit I was quite worried at first. We are thinking about inviting another friend and perhaps another female into the situation eventually. I know most people would be against inviting friends, but it feels more comfortable for us. We know their background and feel safer as well. If one of us was to feel uncomfortable at anytime, then we would simply stop. No hard feelings to the friend as it is all for fun and enjoyment. Plus being pleasured by two men at once is quite an experience and I have no regrets.
02/11/2010
Contributor: buzzvibe buzzvibe
Monogamy works just fine for me, but I'm open to possible exploring other options later down the line if that ends up being something we both want to try. I kinda doubt we ever will, though.
07/26/2010
Contributor: SexyySarah SexyySarah
I put Monogamy and other, because though we practice monogamy we aren't opposed to trying new things with others, more like threesomes and couple swap, but never alone.
07/26/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
I know those things may work for other people and they're perfectly happy and stable and complete. But I know for me there's no way I could do it. It's only monogamy for me. But power to the people who can find love in any form.
07/26/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Monogamy works well for us, but we have talked about a Poly Quad situation, but I am still hesitant.

One reason is the Drama factor. There's enough drama in a two person relationship, four people would only add to the mix. Also, you can't control what an other couple does on their own, nor should you. I also have fear of STDs and even pregnancy. What if a condom broke? Who would be responsible for any resulting children? Only the woman's actual spouse? In our state, your husband is legally "the father" of any child you have, unless it is challenged and tests are done. How would I feel if an other woman decided to have a child, and it COULD be My Man's child? What if I got pregnant? (Not a good idea with my health and other factors.) I certainly would do EVERYTHING to prevent pregnancy, including using Plan B, if necessary, but it still worries me.

Also, I don't know how we would fare emotionally. My Man has some small jealousy issues. He says "I can handle it." But, what I I REALLY like it, and he isn't so crazy about it. Or if one of us wants to stop and the other doesn't?

Also, the physical boundary logistics are difficult. I don't want this in my HOUSE, with my kids etc. Renting hotel rooms? Only choose a couple who has no children and always use their house.

In the end, even though it's a cool fantasy, I don't even know if I really want to do this. I KNOW My Man hasn't really thought it through, and there are other issues as well.

I think you have to be really well organized and really accepting of others to make something like this work.

I am still conflicted.
08/19/2010
Contributor: Envy Envy
I can't do poly, I'm too insecure and I hate drama.
08/19/2010
Contributor: A Closet Slut (aka nipplepeople) A Closet Slut (aka nipplepeople)
The best one would be Open Marriage or maybe Swinging.
02/08/2011
Contributor: TumorCrunch TumorCrunch
Quote:
Originally posted by Carrie Ann
Relating to: [https://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sexual-health/love-triangle-61092/ | Blind Faith: When Polyamory Doesn't Work Out

Polyamory, Swinging, Open Marriages, Triads, Families, Free Love, Primaries and Secondaries...
All ... more
we're mostly monogamous unless it's with someone of the same sex-i don't have a penis-i can't give him cock. same as he can't give me pussy when i want it. but as far as everything else, other than the occasional pre-approved one-night-stand, we're closed.
03/14/2011
Contributor: Eliza Eliza
I put swinging. I like to have one primary relationship, but I like having the option of flirting or hooking up with other people outside of my relationship.
03/14/2011
Contributor: M121212 M121212
It's so based on the people involved... Really depends on how people jive together and how much they are able/willing to hash it out. I'm game, and respect that it's a big feat to pull off.
04/29/2011
Contributor: Linga Linga
Monogamy is my fetish
04/29/2011
Contributor: Spilock Spilock
Monogamy for me. Aside from making relations with the parents simpler, it's just easier and more drama free for us. Plus I tend to want to devote all of my attention to my wife anyways.
04/29/2011
Contributor: ViVix ViVix
Quote:
Originally posted by Carrie Ann
Relating to: [https://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sexual-health/love-triangle-61092/ | Blind Faith: When Polyamory Doesn't Work Out

Polyamory, Swinging, Open Marriages, Triads, Families, Free Love, Primaries and Secondaries...
All ... more
I only believe in monogamy or else it's not how I define a relationship. To each his/her own!
07/29/2012
Contributor: Ilovelingerie Ilovelingerie
Quote:
Originally posted by Carrie Ann
Relating to: [https://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sexual-health/love-triangle-61092/ | Blind Faith: When Polyamory Doesn't Work Out

Polyamory, Swinging, Open Marriages, Triads, Families, Free Love, Primaries and Secondaries...
All ... more
None of those are my things, I am more into monogomy.
07/29/2012