Funny sex toy stories - you've got any?

The New Intimacy

Funny sex toy stories - you've got any?

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Contributor: GingerAnn GingerAnn
Hey, you guys!
I know I post independent discussions much less frequently than I would want, but sometimes I just cannot hold myself back.

I was having a couple of friends over for dinner earlier this week. One of those friends is quite a joker herself, and she gets extremely witty about sex toys. She likes to talk about sex and sex toys, but to cover up a little bit of shyness she has, she uses humor. So, we're sitting there, wine glasses in hands, ending up alone in the kitchen, because everyone else went to the living room.

She gives my cat, who sits on the window, a long and very contemplative stare... And then says something that almost made me drop my glass and literally choke from laughter. I mean, wouldn't you, if someone said to you:

"Wearing a butt plug for a long time is all fun and games, right up until you fart and shoot the cat in the eye, huh?"

So, once you'll be done chuckling, I thought it would be nice if we shared some jokes or funny stories we've had with sex toys.

Maybe I'll even make a contest out of this thread later if we get enough replies, and the funniest story will get a fab prize. Sounds nice, right?

Anyway, please, go ahead and share any sex toy anecdotes you've heard, seen or experienced - I'll be happy to know them all. I'm sure we can get some pretty saucy jokes - after all, these years of experience couldn't have just gone by.
02/05/2019
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Contributor: Orgasms & Pearls Orgasms & Pearls
I’m not sure if it’s funny or more embarrassing, but it has always stuck with me & a day I remember for sure!

A few years ago, my parents came to visit my husband & I and to help us do some house searching. We were looking to buy our first house and wanted some other input also. So to make this short I’ll jump to the end. The weekend came to an end, we didn’t find any homes we fell in love with. My parents were heading back home the next day. That night we sat down for dinner and my step dad suggested that we moved back home. We could move back in with them & they would help out until my husband found a new job. I was feeling home sick & we made a quick decision and said yes. The next morning we rented a U-haul truck. Now mind you this was an over night choice, so our house was just basically being thrown into the moving truck. At the time all of our toys were in a dresser drawer. My son had come in the room to see what I was doing, he was 4 at the time, I was organizing the drawer to make sure nothing would break during the move. Well I turned my back for 2 seconds & he had grabbed one of my husbands masturbaters & ran into the living room with where my parents were. Thankfully were an open family, we always joke about sex or toys, so they weren’t extremely shocked. But it definitely was a surprise for my son to come running out with one of your sex toys. We all definitely got a laugh that day.
02/20/2019
Contributor: Wildwestbabe Wildwestbabe
I have been wanting to experience the machine that has hydraulic power. You can use different attachnents. And reason that I'm really wanting this machine its because its powerful and it would feel like a man pounding you.
02/20/2019
Contributor: iovys iovys
Here's how my mum discovered that I wasn't all-that-innocent.

I have always had excruciatingly painful menstrual cramps. Oftentimes they knock me out cold, no matter where I am, and if I'm not lucky, I suffer for about 48 hours before the pain begins to subside. The pain's so bad that I lose track of what day of the week it is, usually, due to lost sleep and weaving in and out of consciousness. I've tried everything to alleviate it. If it exists, I've tried it. Painkillers, OTC medications, CBD products, everything (I'm no fan of birth control due to its side effects). The only sure-fire way for me to escape pain (for a maximum of 1-2 minutes) is masturbation, as the pleasure overrides the pain. Mum didn't know this last bit.

Anyways.

I sleep in a loft bed (which is essentially half a bunk bed), and I used to keep my toy collection in my pillowcase for easy access, so to speak. I had been suffering on my large bean bag, and mum had come to my room to see how I was doing. Seeing that I was covered in cold sweat, shivering, and unable to move, she offered to pass me a pillow & blanket up from my bed. Without thinking I nodded.

And she grabbed the pillow with all the toys in it. A mere "Why's this so heav--", escaped her mouth before she felt the pillow up and made a face that I'll never forget. Up until that point, poor mum thought I had no idea these existed. Moreover, when I was in a relationship in my teens, she thought she shielded me well enough from media such that I wouldn't know what something like a 'blow job' was (despite me already having some experience in that field and being in a relationship or two).

Needless to say, my face reddened to the point at which it could probably be compared to a beet, and nervous laughter escaped my mouth in an attempt to explain myself. Mum started questioning me (she's quite religious) with things like 'where on earth did you get these?', 'who got them for you?', and commenting that she never needed them. I basically told her the truth: that they help with alleviating pain, which they sometimes do, and that I am willing to do anything to get away from it, even if it's for precious seconds.

After a few exchanges on that matter, we laughed it off, and she let me go back to dealing with the demon my body had decided to spawn within my stomach. That said, the topic does pop up from time to time, and it's always god-awful-awkward. Since then, my collection's quintupled (maybe more?) and changed locations, soooo... if mum discovers it, then I guess I'll be rendered speechless again.
02/20/2019
Contributor: Sex Guy Sex Guy
People who act crazy can be sooooo funny dawg.

Not me, but my girlfriend’s story. She was working at a sex toy store once, a long time ago, and there was a lot of funny stories, but this one stands out BIG TIM.

A customer came in and she said she never had an orgasm and she even told someone told her that some women can't orgasm at all. Of course, the girls who worked at the store told her it wasn't true, and that it all depends on stimulation and determination and blah-blah.

She didn’t buy anything besides condoms and then left - she looked reassured and inspired. 2 days later she comes back in with her boyfriend. It quickly became obvious the boyfriend was that "someone" who didn't know how to work toward a woman's orgasm. He was in a big huff yelling, "TELL HER THAT SOME WOMEN JUST DON’T HAVE ORGASMS!".

He was throwing stuff around the room and talking about how his manhood was being insulted and how he was gonna show everyone in the shop how big he is. After he finally left, he peed all over my girlfriend’s car. They called the police, and the girl ended up buying a rabbit vibrator. The story ended there, but I really hoped it all worked out for the girl in the end.
09/03/2019
Contributor: LovesItHot LovesItHot
A little while back, I was gifted a tiny bullet-shaped vibe and used it later that night after going strong a bit on the drinks (I guess I got a little overzealous). Somehow, it got stuck aaaallll the way up there.

I can't remember how I actually got it out, but it was on the whole time, vibing away, and I remember running around the kitchen briefly considering salad tongs. it was funny though - orgasming and slightly panicking at the same time
09/03/2019
Contributor: Dominica Dominica
I once went with three girlfriends to Amsterdam, and we thought it would be fun to go shopping for sex toys in the red light district. My friend Dara decided to go with the most economical choice: A tiny red 10 euro phallus made out of cheap plastic and metal — it was half off in the bargain bin. Over dinner we played with it, laughing at how noisy it was and how poorly the English translation of the instructions was written (e.g., "The care and feeding of your vibrator"). Fast forward to the airport, where Dara got stopped by three grave-looking security officers and their dogs. Apparently they thought her vibe was a bomb
09/03/2019
Contributor: Bill79 Bill79
My sis told me the story when she came back home after staying with our parents during summer break. Apparently, she took her toy with her, and, obviously, had done her best to hide it in her old room.

Since it was a family event, there were a lot of kids, nephews and nieces all around the place. While everyone was gathered in the living room, the two of those little devils would take turns running back and forth between my sister's room and the living room, to excitedly show them anything they could find. After feigning disbelief over an old car game, some of her old dolls, and a few stuffed animals, our nephew ran in and greeted the whole family with a giant neon pink penis waving back and forth in his hand, veins and all. The family has a good sense of humor, and they laughed a ton, and I lmao-ed when she told me this, but she is still mortified to call our mom
09/03/2019
Contributor: VanillaFreeSex VanillaFreeSex
I got rug burn on the top of my foot once. Only I could manage that, lol.

Also had a bed frame leg break through the wood floor during sex.

Then there are the things that are said that are hot at the time, but you gotta laugh about after the fact. "make me your bitch" while pegging a guy was something we both chuckled about after. Especially since it's very likely the neighbor heard him because sound travels horribly in my house.
09/26/2019
Contributor: Croc Croc
Quote:
Originally posted by iovys
Here's how my mum discovered that I wasn't all-that-innocent.

I have always had excruciatingly painful menstrual cramps. Oftentimes they knock me out cold, no matter where I am, and if I'm not lucky, I suffer for about 48 hours ... more
what side effects?
My sister, too, used to lie and wail when her period came. Then she was given brith control and she's all active now
09/27/2019
Contributor: Croc Croc
I worked in a place where they sometimes had parties at each other's places, come someone's birthday. I didn't attend them until one time when the guys told me that a female colleague really insisted that I attend. Ok, says I, they also told me to chip in for the gift, which I did, plus bought flowers.
The party went on well, we all had some, played some games, karaoke, etc. When we went out for a smoke two guys started arguing which one of them should give the present. Somehow a third one said, 'Hey, Croc is here first time at a birthday, so let it be him!'
I tried to find an out, but that was well-played. A theatre of three clowns!
So, to cut it short, I presented the box, the girl opened it. Inside, there was a dildo, handcuffs, a ball gag and something else, I don't remember.
One of them buggers exclaimed something like 'See, Croc really wanted to come to your birthday and give this to you, and we couldn't say no...'
09/27/2019
Contributor: C and J C and J
Lost a 14 in. double ended dildo the first time she used it on me lol took her about 15 min for her to fish it out,
11/21/2019
Contributor: al tirigo al tirigo
My story comes from a former work colleague, Lil, & it also involves a sister (hers). The sister, let's call her Tamara, had married a young Catholic man, with a (nevertheless) robust appetite for intimacy. After the birth of their sixth child in as many years, Lil's (and Tamara's) father presented his son-in-law with a private gift, of what he thought would be a year's supply of condoms, a case of 720- wrapped with a festive bow. Tamara was uninformed of this benevolent fatherly act. One day, a week after her eldest's seventh birthday- which featured a balloon theme, & a magician who specialized in making fantastic animals out of balloons- Lil and her husband were visiting. The two sisters were doing the dishes, looking out the kitchen window. A series of curiously shaped balloons, one after another, drifted gently past the window, a breeze lofting them as if on a string toward the pasture in the back of their house, one every thirty seconds or so. The birthday child had discovered the case of condoms, thinking they were a birthday gift she'd neglected to open- and showed them to her uncle (Lil's husband). By the end of the dishes he had taught his niece how to tie a knot in an inflated condom.
05/21/2020
Contributor: iovys iovys
Quote:
Originally posted by Croc
what side effects?
My sister, too, used to lie and wail when her period came. Then she was given brith control and she's all active now
Hi!
Sorry I didn't see your reply. Sadly Eden doesn't give us notifications if we get quoted or whatever. Here are some regular long-term side effects for BC:
- hormonal contraceptives play with hormones, which increase risk of cervical/breast cancer, and in some cases, liver tumors & ovarian/endometrial cancers
- progesterone & estrogen increase blood clotting --> which means increased chance of heart attack/stroke (if you smoke it's even higher chance)
- BC can mask developing infertility issues (so if you're developing something that can make you infertile, you won't know)
- blood pressure increase & deep vein thrombosis
-changes in sexual appetite (eg., if you like someone while on the pill, you may not be sexually attracted to them anymore if you hop off said pill)

And of course, the typical short term stuff: weight gain, water retention, soreness, nausea (something I'm phobic of), acne, and other less scary things.

I'm sure everyone that uses BC is aware of these things, at least to some degree - it's something your doctor should go over with you, not just hand you a pill and assume you've got Wikipedia installed in your brain. I carefully went over these topics with both my mother and doctor, so it's not like as if I haven't explored the possibility.

That being said, I carefully considered IUDs, but they're all based on hormonal changes, which would yield a similar result to the first bullet point. My mother's prone to blood clotting and both my grandmothers and other women in my immediate family have had some kind of reproductive cancer at some point in their lives (without BC), so the hormonal contraceptives are completely off the table in my case, as much as I may want them for pain relief.

The only non-hormonal one as far as I'm aware is the Copper IUD, which makes menstruation heavier and more painful for most women. I already get borderline anemic every 3 weeks because of the amounts of blood I lose, and I only want BC so that I can get pain relief. It would be counter-intuitive to try the copper IUD.... so I can't use that. Implants, shots, and patches are also hormonal based, so... yeah. Kinda a lose-lose situation for me, no matter how I look at it :/

I would rather suffer through this crap, retain my overall health for as long as I can and avoid surgery/cancer treatment because I figure that this is better than going through any of those options x:
05/22/2020
Contributor: ariethninja ariethninja
Not really a funny sex toy story per say

But yesterday I woke and had a message from my step mom

If today had been an S&M session, I guess I would be satisfied.

... my step mom made a bdsm joke

I was at a loss for words
03/31/2021