DrGraceG DrGraceG
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I have a patient and a friend, who came to me, and told me, her fiance still doesn't make too much effort to make love to her. She says she feels like she would give anything for a "man" to touch her like He Used to, again. Just so she can feel like a woman again, feel beautiful again.

If you are, in a sexless relationship for over a year... I hate to be so honest that it's cruel, but if you try over, and over to fix the situation, if you tell your partner you miss them, and long for them, if you tell them you will leave if it doesn't get better, or if the situation makes you think of cheating, if you keep on telling your partner YOU "REALLY NEED THIS" "You really need him/her to do this for you" -giving him the chance over and over, and if still nothing changes, for months, or more, if they make one effort, (just to shut you up) and stop again, if you tell them again, and again, and talk about it till you are blue in the face, and still nothing improves for more than a year...

You have to realize after a while, this "lack of action" feels down right like REJECTION!

GET OUT!!! and find someone who Will "long" to touch you and love you.
Who won't be able to keep their hands off you. There are "plenty of lonely people" out there. No use staying Miserable and wasting precious time of your life with a "selfish loser" like that.

I understand that some men may feel insecure if they can't get A Rock hard erection, but you have hands, fingers and mouth... you can do an excellent job, and if you are too much of a selfish loser that you can't even make this small effort... then you really don't deserve Any chances.

And I am sorry to say, it goes both ways...
If you are a woman and you are non responsive to your man's needs, you have NO RIGHT what so ever, to complain, or to hate him if he cheats. If he has been telling you, showing you, longing for you, making advances, and you constantly shut him down and reject him, he will go somewhere else, or/and you will end up divorced or dumped, because the need of being with another human, the need to be close to someone, the need to be desired, is our Nature, it is a natural need and is stronger than anything else. The need for Human touch is stronger than vows or ties that bind you together.

Men make a commitment mostly for regular sex.
Believe it or not, Women need it too, maybe even more than men, but we need romance and the right approach. If you have been just expecting sex from your partner without any romantic behaviour, you will get a cold shoulder. We have to learn to be more selfless and thoughtful. The basic knowledge and being considerate will get you much further in your relationship than selfishness and stupid pride.

If you are very unhappy and you know you made an honest effort and gave it plenty of chances, and things do not change, you have to move on. Do not let someone take your good heart for granted. They are counting on it, that you will stay out of the goodness of your heart, but believe me, LEAVING is much better than cheating. If it gets so bad that you cheat just to feel sexy, attractive, loved and wanted again, it will get much worse.

Then you will have two things making you stay. You will stay because you feel sorry for him and out of guilt because you cheated, and still be miserable, more and more miserable day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, the feeling of wanting to be desired and wanted, the desire to be loved and touched in a sexual passionate way, never goes away, it only grows, and grows, and it will only get worse.

When they just do it once, to shut you up, to keep you happy for that moment, to make you stop asking for it... it doesn't help at all, because it reminds you of what you are missing, and when they stop again, for weeks or months or longer, you keep on waiting for them to do it again.

When they do it that one time, you think and hope with all your heart, that they finally got the point, that it will change this time, that now he or she will do it again tomorrow, or the next day, but they don't, you got fooled again.

The more times it happens, you are even afraid to hope any more, and then you are not even looking forward to the (shut you up) "sex" any more, because by then, you know it exactly for what it is, and that you will have to wait for months again after this one time. And the longer they take, the more time passes, and the anger, and feeling of neglect gets overbearing, the desire keeps on growing, and the wanting... keeps on gnawing at you...
and you miss it even more.

If it was them in your shoes, I wonder if they would stay with you? And how long they would put up with it?

They think you are not going to leave because you threaten and don't follow through, they think we will just keep on taking care of them and stay, no matter what, no matter how long.

They don't understand that when we finally "get the nerve up" to tell him something this intimate and personal, that it's a cry for help, you love that partner and you're throwing them a rope, that this is their last chance... a woman or a man who truly loves you, will give you a lot of chances until they are worn out, but the selfish people just keep on waiting... they will "Do you", just to shut you up, but then, they won't do it, until you work up the courage to start expressing your discontent again.

But they keep ignoring the problem.

Are they hoping it will go away? Are they thinking if they wait long enough, they won't have to deal with it? What are they waiting for? FOR WHAT!? ...are they maybe testing how much you can endure... maybe they are simply too ignorant, or arrogant?
Well the heck with them. How many chances can you give someone who is "mocking" your feelings and
your needs?

So many men keep a woman around because they simply don't want to go and look for someone new? How many keep a woman around just because she cooks well, keeps the house clean, or does something else for him, or just not to be lonely, but they don't have any romantic feelings for her.. and just string the dumb, hopeful sheep along, not considering that women need so much more, until, eventually, her patience and sympathy will run out. By then, there will be no more chances left in her, and there will be no stopping her, or getting her back.
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