The New Intimacy

Do sex toys create an imbalance of pleasure in the bedroom?

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Contributor: strangebrew strangebrew
Recently, I've begun dating a woman who uses sex toys regularly. Right now, she uses them almost exclusively alone.

Prior to this, my experience with them was limited to say the least. So, to become more familiar with them and to lessen my insecurities about having them around, I've begun reading forums like this one.

Looking through the store and through the various discussions, it's become clear that...

A) A lot of women use toys
B) Toys are used more by women than men

And...

C) A lot of men like to use the toys on/with their female partner(s).

Which leads me to the question...

Do sex toys create an imbalance in the bedroom, where the focus is on how many ways a woman can be penetrated and vibrated to a multitude of orgasms?

I understand that MANY women simply cannot orgasm without help. My last girlfriend was a perfect example. She could not orgasm from oral or penetration without the use of her "silver bullet". And that was fine by me. One of the most beautiful things in this world is to watch your woman have an orgasm. So, if she needed the help at the end, I was all for it.

But...

I can't shake the feeling that the use of sex toys in the bedroom - as a couple - either during foreplay or sex creates an imbalance in the giving and receiving of physical pleasure.

Guys, do you ever feel short-changed? Do you feel like you don't get enough attention in the bedroom? Or feel like it's all about making your partner cum and cum and cum?

I'd love to hear from both men and women. Thanks and take care.
12/20/2013
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Contributor: Ansley Ansley
You know, I've been thinking about this more and more lately. Hubby said something to me the other night that kind of surprised me at first but after thinking about it for a little didn't really surprise me at all -- he said that he knows I'm not in the mood for sex if the toy doesn't make it to the bed before he does. I found that to be very sad and am working on changing that.

I think guys do get the short end of the stick when it comes to masturbation aids and sex toys in general. I think the general consensus is that it's a lot harder for women to get off than it is for men and they essentially only need their hand and a little visual stimulation to get off. The amount of choices out there for a guy who isn't into prostate stimulation are very, very limited and I think it's something the industry needs to work on.
12/20/2013
Contributor: strangebrew strangebrew
@Stormy,

I think we get the short end of the stick when it comes to sexual pleasure...period. Not just with toys. Perhaps it's mother nature's way of making up for the pain of child birth?

And I understand that many women, with the aid of toys, can enjoy multiple orgasms, so why WOULDN'T you want that if you were a woman? Again...the short end of the stick for us men. Well, for me anyway. It's no fun being a one-and-done forty-something.

Aside from helping women reach orgasm when they wouldn't normally be able to, I have to wonder, as I read through the forums, if toys detract from the joy of turning each other on with our lips, fingers and so on?

I enjoy giving my woman pleasure, but how, how, how is the balance of pleasure equal if, our foreplay and sex involves the use of some all or some of the two vibrating bullets, two butt plugs, vibrating dildo, a good-sized life-like dildo and balls AND a glass g-spot toy that gives her orgasms that are stronger than I can provide?

Anyway, thanks for sharing your story.
12/20/2013
Contributor: ladyem ladyem
I had never used toys in the bedroom before until my current boyfriend. I always thought that toys were only to be use when you were single.
Well I bought a g spot glass. when my boyfriend came over he saw it and wanted to try it on me. I saw him so eager and excited it that I couldn't say no. well I had strong orgasms and he didn't seem to want to stop so I kept on coming thinking he was enjoying it too as he loves to see me coming.
After the fact I find out he stop enjoying it and he felt completely left off. I'm not sure if it is a good idea to have toys to share with your partner.
I love giving and receiving oral so I don't see the need of adding foreign objects in to the love making.
I don't want my boyfriend to feel left off just to play with toys I don't think it is worth it.
12/20/2013
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by strangebrew
@Stormy,

I think we get the short end of the stick when it comes to sexual pleasure...period. Not just with toys. Perhaps it's mother nature's way of making up for the pain of child birth?

And I understand that many women, with ... more
I'm with you on this one. I recently helped my wife to 16 orgasms in 4 days - during that time I had 3. This is partially due to age. I'm nearly 60 and although erections are not a problem - having an orgasm is quite difficult.

Stormy suggested that it's harder for women to orgasm - I agree that when we were younger this was true - no more, I'm the one that needs lots of specialized attention to have an orgasm. For me it's mostly from anal sex - or being pegged - I guess I have the classic anal fixation

TGIF
12/20/2013
Contributor: strangebrew strangebrew
Quote:
Originally posted by Gunsmoke
I'm with you on this one. I recently helped my wife to 16 orgasms in 4 days - during that time I had 3. This is partially due to age. I'm nearly 60 and although erections are not a problem - having an orgasm is quite difficult.

Stormy ... more
And it's really only harder for women to get off without toys. So, I ask the women this...

How would you feel if, after you have just one orgasm and your man orgasms, the toys went into the drawer? What if, after you both "get off", the toys go away and you both focus on each other without the toys. Would you feel deprived?
12/20/2013
Contributor: edeneve edeneve
after one orgasm, I'm not finished. keep in mind the differences in the orgasms experienced by each gender. so if I want more, what's wrong w/ me having it? doesn't mean I neglect my partner either. besides edging him keeps him going longer.
12/20/2013
Contributor: strangebrew strangebrew
Quote:
Originally posted by edeneve
after one orgasm, I'm not finished. keep in mind the differences in the orgasms experienced by each gender. so if I want more, what's wrong w/ me having it? doesn't mean I neglect my partner either. besides edging him keeps him going longer.
@Edeneve,

You bring up other questions. How many orgasms would you like your partner to help deliver?

And if he's using toys to help bring you to orgasm again and again after he's already come, what do you do to make sure he's not neglected?
12/20/2013
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
I wouldn't pout or be upset, but I have very little difficulty orgasming so the toys are for both of us. If it's a problem, they can be put away for a little while.
12/23/2013
Contributor: @cammingcouple @cammingcouple
Quote:
Originally posted by strangebrew
Recently, I've begun dating a woman who uses sex toys regularly. Right now, she uses them almost exclusively alone.

Prior to this, my experience with them was limited to say the least. So, to become more familiar with them and to lessen my ... more
For us, toys are an addition and they don't always make it in the bedroom with us. We keep them in the living room so most of the time we can focus on eachother and have a properly long sex session close to an hour without thinking about the goal of climax. A goal of climax can actually be unhealthy too since it's on your mind and if it cant be done due to outside factors then there are some feelings of disappointment. As a female, I can see where it would cause some insecurity and sometimes I wonder if my partner thinks "I'm not good enough" but On the other hand, we have discussed the fact that I've got almost no nerve endings inside my vagina so stimulation of either clitorous, anus, or both is required . Also, we have sex roughly a quarter of the time for the main purpose of a release after a bad day or a headache so it's more therapeutic and we both understand that incorporating toys is the easiest way to get the desired result for those days when I or he just can't get stress off our mind is to incorporate a toy or two to achieve that rush of feel good chemicals in the body. Do what feels right to you. Sometimes the best sex can happen with or without toys and we embrace both sides of the coin.
12/23/2013
Contributor: Rossie Rossie
Hmmm, I don't think my guy feels short-changed, because I always give him a nice blowjob before he performs oral and uses his fingers (and sometimes toys) to give me my first orgasm every time we have sex. After that, I'll put my toys away and focus on PIV sex till we both reach our climaxes. Honestly speaking, toys are fun and can give me orgasms when I masturbate with them, but I think my orgasms are much more intense and pleasurable when my husband makes me come.
12/24/2013
Contributor: OH&W, Lovebears OH&W, Lovebears
For us it makes a more even balance.Before we used toys, the pleasure seemed to be all mine. She is harder to satisfy than me. For years it was always "Good for Me." The toys have helped in her dept a lot. Now since I have discovered prostate massage it's my turn to get some toys/simulators also. Her sessions are longer than mine but I do not mind at all. If she's happy, I'm happy.
12/25/2013
Contributor: imperialyellowdragon imperialyellowdragon
Quote:
Originally posted by strangebrew
Recently, I've begun dating a woman who uses sex toys regularly. Right now, she uses them almost exclusively alone.

Prior to this, my experience with them was limited to say the least. So, to become more familiar with them and to lessen my ... more
I can speak for only me. I feel its all about the mood. both partners have to be in the mood. as for me. when I was dating. I did love surprises. when it comes to sex toys. each toy is different. some for men and some for woman. some of them are for both. what a sex toy does is stimulates the brain in different ways. instead of the same old thing. it spices things up. each toy affects the brain differently. don't be scared to try new things. relax. have fun. remember safe sex.
safe sex is fun sex.
note. anyone can have sex but not everyone is ready for a relationship.
most people don't know this. sadly most people find this out after they have a baby.
merry christmas
12/25/2013
Contributor: imperialyellowdragon imperialyellowdragon
Quote:
Originally posted by Ansley
You know, I've been thinking about this more and more lately. Hubby said something to me the other night that kind of surprised me at first but after thinking about it for a little didn't really surprise me at all -- he said that he knows ... more
I hate it when a computer crashes. LOL this post will be added again later.
12/25/2013
Contributor: Husband and Wife Husband and Wife
We understand that it takes my wife longer to get off then me. So whether it's her toys that start the off or if I give oral or sometimes both. Look men shouldn't feel upset by their SO using a toy, because bottom line is sex is the best when both party's cum!!
01/08/2014
Contributor: strangebrew strangebrew
Thanks for the reply Husband and Wife. I agree, sex is fun when both people cum! (very catchy btw). My question was asked because I wondered if the use of sex toys created a lopsided balance, where the focus became less about BOTH people having fun and more about finding an endless number of ways to make the woman cum and cum and cum. I've said it before...I love helping to bring my girlfriend to orgasm. But if I simply become a dildo holder or dildo piston, then the fun is done.
01/09/2014
Contributor: konicaguy konicaguy
My problem is that when my wife is done (usually a one and done), she's too tired to really give me the attention I crave. I feel like I get the old "get on and get done and hurry up". She won't make a noise, look at me, etc... Even if she FAKED her enjoyment while I'm trying to get mine I wouldn't care! Just don't lay there and cold-fish me. We are working on both of us masturbating at the same time to orgasm, but it's not the same and at times I'm jealous of her toys...
02/07/2014
Contributor: Sincerely yours, N Sincerely yours, N
Actually, before discovering sex toys, I felt short-changed. I'm very difficult to get off without the use of toys (honestly, without the use of good toys - I had several cheap vibrators and they didn't help), whereas I was always "good" enough to finish off my partner whenever I felt like it. In my most recent relationship, my then-boyfriend would cum as many as five times in a session (normally less, but most of the time more than once), whereas I wouldn't even get close to orgasming. Before discovering toys that work for me, I had only ever orgasmed once! I was very good at faking, but that is not quite the same. Because of this, I would grow bored of intimacy fairly quickly, which would be a major source of stress in the relationship.

Now that I have toys, I'm more relaxed about these things. Toys aren't men, but they provide me with actual pleasure. Granted, I don't get the satisfaction of having pleasured a person I care about when using them on myself, but I feel like they're a welcome addition, letting me feel similar sensations to my partner.
02/07/2014
Contributor: SweetSaffron SweetSaffron
I rarely, if ever, use toys with a partner. I find the two to be entirely different. Sex is more satisfying. I have more orgasms, big and small, and even the little ones are more satisfying than masturbation. Masturbation isn't quite as good for me, despite the orgasms I get from it being stronger, for the most part. Also, my mind wanders a great deal when masturbating, and it's hard for me to focus enough to get there, while I NEVER have this problem during sex - I usually can't think enough during sex for my mind to be able to wander. Toys just don't compare, for me.
02/08/2014
Contributor: js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by strangebrew
Recently, I've begun dating a woman who uses sex toys regularly. Right now, she uses them almost exclusively alone.

Prior to this, my experience with them was limited to say the least. So, to become more familiar with them and to lessen my ... more
My husband and I both use toys--just completely different ones. He has not interest in being anally stimulated in any way, so his are more of the vibrating cock rings/pumps/fleshlight /masturbator/sleeves type variety.

There are as many items for men as women, but we have still had to adapt and manufacture our own versions of what he thinks would feel better. I know he has a collection of over 150 items to my 500+, but that is because he does have more off-limits boundaries than I do.

Toys can very much enhance or detract from the moment--depending on how they are used and the personal feelings of each individual. We look at them as an addition to what we already like and enjoy and make them a HUGE enhancement to our sexual fun.
02/20/2014
Contributor: Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
(Review Program Mentor)
If one is selfish in getting their needs met instead of a it being a mutual thing, the other person will be resentful, regardless of if toys are used. As is seen in the comments by Konicaguy.

Toys should be used as an aid or enhancement, not the main focus of the encounter. Some people are sexually insecure and see toys as competition or that toys mean they are not good enough. The other partner needs to be sensitive to those insecurities. If you make your partner feel desired, loved and appreciated, then they are less likely to be insecure.
02/20/2014
Contributor: Lornoria Mirid Lornoria Mirid
My partner never uses the toys (one or two if you count some handcuffs) I have so I guess it is not a problem. I would never ask for more than one orgasm ever. I have been with him for six years and he has been my only partner. I would never force anything on him, but I would really love to just have one orgasm in my lifetime. He always gets so annoyed that I am still in a mood after he orgasms though...
05/08/2014