Originally posted by
I'm a ftm and, recently, I've been asked out by a mtf. She's taking the more traditionally male role and it's making me nervous-- I'm so used to being put into the female box in relationships that it's hard for me to break out
I'm a ftm and, recently, I've been asked out by a mtf. She's taking the more traditionally male role and it's making me nervous-- I'm so used to being put into the female box in relationships that it's hard for me to break out of it. She's expressed an interest in being treated in a more traditionally female way. She's one of my first girlfriends since I've come out as trans.
Any tips on how I can break out of the female role? Any suggestions on how to make her feel more womanly? (And yes, I know gender is a societal construct but this really matters to her and it's adding to my dysphoria.) Thanks guys!
First of all, it's good that you're looking for ways to make this work and being open to suggestions and a nudge in the right direction. That openness will serve you well in relationships, rather than being uncomfortable and letting that feeling grow.
If she does want to be treated in a more feminine way, then that's going to help her be very receptive toward your masculine behaviors complementing her reactions, etc.
I guess it is a little easier for me because I am gay and tend to bottom, so I am used to being treated as the more coddled partner who has things done for them, etc but my partner apparently is also a major bottom at least at heart (been topping him more and more lately) and I find that my confidence has grown greatly whenever I am taking the masculine role even in just simply hugging/approaching/wh atever.
The hardest part is taking initiative, and when you've not often got experience in a particular role and situation that can be hard, just cuz of the whole waiting, procrastination, or simply not thinking about it. Plus it can be really awkward, but if your partner reacts appropriately it will give you a major confidence boost, and you'll be up to trying it again and again.
What things specifically is it that she is doing that you would prefer to be doing, and vice versa? That would help a lot.
There's the typical stuff like opening doors, telling her she looks beautiful, lighting her cigarettes for her if she is a smoker, getting her bags or whatever she's carrying when you're taking in groceries, etc.
Then as far as more intimate things, I find that having my partner rest his head on my chest, stroking his back and giving massages I find to be very masculine roles I enjoy, and of course initiating sex and getting into a more active position, I find I really enjoy and gives me more confidence.
Try thinking of what it is you'd like to adjust a little, maybe we can be of more help. It's not impossible, just a learning situation. Just like everyone who starts out having a regular job and being told what to do each day has a big adjustment if they become manager and have to supervise, all of us can do many different roles (being a child --> being a parent, learning in school --> getting a job, etc) the human brain is made to adjust, adapt, learn. If you both like what you try, it will get easier and easier as you get more comfortable and it comes more easily.