My best friend just came out as transgender

To be fully honest, you're doing a complete disservice to your friend by continuing to use female pronouns. He asked you specifically to use male pronouns and refer to him by his desired name. He's not a different person - he's still the same person you've always known, just now he has come out as male as opposed to female. You need to think of it this way: do you have something against men that you cannot think of him as a man, or are you fine having a male best friend? If you're fine having a male best friend, then why can't it be him? Gender is an identity, and while it's a part of who he is, it's not going to change him in any way. While physically he may change in the future if he chooses to, think of it as a delayed puberty. It's practically the same thing.

Just because you met in girl scouts does not make him a girl. I apologize for being blunt and upfront, but you need to hear the truth: you're not being a very good friend right now.

He came out to you for a reason. He trusts you to do right by him. You are NOT being supportive if you do not see him as who he truly is. Do not say that you are 100% supportive if you cannot even do the bare minimum, which is refer to him by his desired name and pronoun set. That's the BARE MINIMUM that you could do for him if you two are such great friends.

Here are some other things you could do, if you want to be a better, supportive friend:
-Help him with his transition by looking up things on trans- issues and reading things written by trans- individuals
-Read up on different types of gender identity or sex issues
-Learn more about procedures that he might undergo, hormone therapy, etc.

If you need any more help, feel free to message me, respond here, anything. I know that I sound rough in my response, but that's because this is something that I feel strongly about. He needs you now. It's very important for a person who just came out to be surrounded with acceptance, love, and support, because if they're not, they will be depressed and most likely suicidal later on in life or even immediately.

I don't think I'm being a bad friend. Maybe a little selfish at the moment, but I'll get over that. I'm asking for advice, not judgement.

The first step is to stop referring to him with the incorrect pronoun. I can understand that it's difficult for you to understand, but it's something that he has asked you to do, and it really is the first step toward both starting to accept it yourself and to treating him with the respect that he deserves as your friend.

I did give advice, actually. Three pieces of it. I wasn't being judgmental, I was being honest about your actions so that hopefully you'll see what you're doing. I don't understand why you would completely disregard what I said if you're asking for advice and personal stories.

On the note of "slipping up," I'm going to quote something that was written by a trans- person. Rather than assuming that trans- individuals are perfectly fine with your "slip-ups," how about asking them how they TRULY feel? I can assure you that it's not fine - it's painful, irritating, frustrating, and probably one of the most heartbreaking things to have to endure as a trans- person.

"Being misgendered and being referred to by wrong pronouns hurts just as much as any derogatory slur."
link I linked it because it's rather long, but truly, this is the best quote.

Also, here are some links to read up on:
link
link (excellent, even though you're his best friend, you may still gain something from this one)
link
link
link

Everything Sir said. I know people generally don't mean harm when misgendering someone, but it really does sting to hear people use the wrong pronouns. =/

I agree with Sir. I know it's hard to hear and it might sound harsh, but it's true.

Hearing you call this person "her" the whole post was incredibly grating and frustrating and painful and I know how much it would hurt if your friend were to read that.

I don't think you're a bad person. It's understandable that you're confused and can't quite process this yet. That's okay. But for the sake of your friend, there is no better time to start learning and expanding your knowledge - unless you no longer want to be friends. And sometimes that's what happens for better or worse.

Most "normal" people don't think about sex and gender to the degree that is necessary for this to make sense. That's okay. I'm not judging you. But learning about it can be highly rewarding and enriching if you're open to it.

Start with the pronouns. I totally understand that changing a habit is hard, even if you want to do it ! But make it a point to actively change. Think before you speak or write and correct yourself. Eventually it will become natural.


When it comes to the transgender person you're "slipping up" on, it hurts. They are most likely not going to get angry about it because they are so marginalised and erased that they have no choice and getting upset would make them look "psycho". It's like stepping on someone's foot - they might understand intellectually that you didn't mean to and forgive you, but it still hurts and if you keep doing it over and over...


Learning about human biology and psychology and where our ideas of sex and gender come from changed the way I see things.

All our lives, we've become accustomed to automatically sexing people, to automatically labelling them based on physical traits and behaviour. But there is much that when you pick down to it, doesn't hold up. We rely so much on the gender binary to make sense of things, but at the end of the day, male and female have as much overlap as our bodies do. Girls can play with toy trucks, boys can play with dolls. Boys can make cookies and girls can shoot guns. Activities do not define sex or gender.

Take a look at clearly-defined chromosome sex-variations in humans. Take a look at the human developmental process. Our physical vessels are not so different and they are so complicated and so many things can diverge from physically normal in development. We are fragile.

The defining of sex is complicated and currently rather inconclusive. The defining of gender is personal and while it may be affected by cultural or social mores, it is not something with a strict definition. These things are like "art" and "beauty" - they are words to describe abstract concepts that will never be pinned down.

So my advice to you would be, don't let yourself be pinned down.

Okay, first of all, everyone in this thread needs to calm down and take a breath. It's hard for someone to switch pronouns right away with someone they've known for an extended period of time. I've been out to my mother for 8 years, have been on testosterone for three years, went through my legal name change this past summer and she still doesn't always use the right pronouns. Further more, she hasn't told our extended family - my own sister doesn't even know!

It takes time and patience. Don't jump all over the OP right away about pronouns. The OP has already recognized her own feelings re: "I feel like a jack ass" about using incorrect pronouns in the post in question. That's the first step in her own process of coming to terms with things.

So everyone, let's take a collective breath, yes?

There. Feel better? Good. You should.

All of you who are cis- female/male should really take a step back and stop commenting on what you think a trans* persons experience is or how they will think or feel about the OP's post. I'm a trans* guy and while yes, it's slightly irritating for the OP to misgender her friend I also understand why she's doing it and where she's coming from. If you're a cis- person it's really not your place to be doling out commentary or advice about trans* experiences or how to be a trans* ally. Nothing pisses me off more as a trans* person than cis- people stepping in and thinking this is something they can tackle.

Now that i've said my peace here's some actual advice for the OP:

Sit down and talk to him. Have him tell you what he's going through and feeling. Tell him you appreciate how much he trusted you. It takes so much for a trans* person to divulge this information to people in our lives. I quite honestly don't tell people anymore unless I'm sleeping with them or know they're going to be in my life for an extended period of time as something more than a friend. Ask your friend what questions he is and isn't comfortable with answering. I will answer almost anything. The two questions I won't answer are what was my birth name and what is or isn't in my pants. Show him you're trying to understand and be supportive. That alone will speak volumes about your character. It'll show him how much you do respect him.

If you need anything whatsoever feel free to inbox me.

Pronouns matter more or less to individuals, even within those that identify as "trans", and I tend to err on the side of them really caring.

For me, it depends on the person doing it. If they're someone I really care about, someone to whom I am more vulnerable, it hurts more and can be very painful.

I've heard stories about how invalidating it can feel especially to those who are just "starting out", who may have many factors in their lives for which another negative could become very unhealthy.

It's just some silly little words and I often ask myself why they matter so, but they can be very big. I understand mistakes made while someone is changing a habit - and the longer the habit, the harder the change, but I think it's never too early to re-evaluate how and why we use them and start a more positive habit.

You've made the right first step to be asking for advice. I myself am transgender and understand what you're going through. First and foremost, be supportive of your friend, always. We have enough people against us and dealing with the trauma of losing friends makes life just seem that much more bleak.
I'm sure he will understand you slipping up on names and pronouns at first, it happens, it's confusing. Shoot, I bet he's having a hard time switching pronouns and name himself right now. I remember when I first came out one of my very supportive friends took a quiz that had the question "Who's your best friend?" She promptly responded "Nick" and I remember staring the screen for about a minute thinking "Who the hell is Nick? Oh wait, that's me." That being said, do your best to switch pronouns early, it will save him (and you) A LOT of heartache. I found things that helped me change my own pronouns was to mentally correct myself EVERY time I used the wrong ones. So if you're ever thinking about him and slip up, just correct yourself, repeat to yourself that he's a guy now. If you mess up in real life, apologize and correct yourself. He will see that you're trying and trust me, it can mean so much more than words can express.
Talk to him about his transition. Do some research into steps taken and ask him what he's going to do, etc, etc. Always stand up for them, and do your damnest not to out them in public. If someone says "ma'am" "she" etc, we often feel like it's not our place to correct them and it can be an extremely disappointing and disheartning moment to silently accept it from strangers. Do him a favor, just chime in and say "He's a boy." or similar depending on your personality. I doubt the stranger will even remember it later in the day but it can really brighten any transpersons mood to know we have someone to support us like that.
This can be a long, slow, expensive and often humiliating and painful process, but nothing is more worth the results in the end.You may not ever understand completely what he's going through but you don't have to in order to support and respect him.

If you'd like you can most certainly, and I even ask you to, follow me on tumblr and if you EVER need advice or have any questions on the matter, send me a message. Username is duremite. You can most certainly have your friend add me too if they'd like some support from another ftm. :3 Hope I have helped a little and again I commend you on taking the first steps towards supporting your friend.

-Nicholas.

It's great to know you have a friend close enough to share this information. I'm sure it's confusing now with the pronouns. It'll pass and then you'll refer to your friend as a him/he/his. If you've never been exposed to it or had it happen with someone you know, I guess a way to think about is "I've always called him Andy, but his name is Andrew." I hope that doesn't marginalize it for anyone, but sometimes cis people just need a frame of reference when dealing with things we've never dealt with before.

I'm sure your friend, being close enough to share this information with you, will let a few pronouns slip here and there as long as they know you still love and support them.

Thank you everyone for being so helpful. I'll definitely take your advice to heart. <3

I just had a long conversation with my friend, and things are much clearer for me now.
He explained how he feels, and why this is so important to him, and that he needs my support, which I will provide.
We talked a bit more, and I'm buying him his first packer with my edenpoints, early birthday present.

Ooo, thanks, he and I were wondering which was the better one to get.
Aaaaaa, I just love you guys, this is why I love eden, you're all so helpful<33333