Hey all, just had a conversation with a friend that I've had some romantic interest in that ... ended less-than-ideally. I'm transgender, identified as agender but am still having a bit of an internal crisis as I learn more about myself. I am a natal male, but present androgynously. Since this is the only place where I don't feel others will go "Ew, TMI." so I'll just cut to the chase:

This friend and I both have feelings for each other, but I didn't give him a heads-up about my gender situation at the start and only have recently told him. He still refers to me with exclusively male pronouns, and the conversation I just had with him basically boiled down to him being frustrated at my dysphoria about my male figure/organs. Because of this, I'll clam up and sometimes even shut down if he makes any sexual mention to my penis or any situation where I would be playing a "male" part.

He's basically acting like I'm punishing him by not being comfortable talking about or doing certain things sexually, and is generally having a hard time understanding that sex and gender aren't one and the same. So... what do I do? Should I continue talking to him, do I stay his friend? Should I "warn" people I may get involved with sexually/romantically right away in the future? He isn't abusive about it, just frustrated and confused. I'm aware that anything on the romantic front is probably hopeless by now... but can I salvage the friendship, at least? Is there anyone else who has been through something similar? Thanks in advance. less

Hey all, just had a conversation with a friend that I've had some romantic interest in that ... ended less-than-ideally. I'm transgender, identified as agender but am still having a bit of an internal crisis as I learn more about myself. I am a natal male, but present androgynously. Since this is the only place where I don't feel others will go "Ew, TMI." so I'll just cut to the chase:

This friend and I both have feelings for each other, but I didn't give him a heads-up about my gender situation at the start and only have recently told him. He still refers to me with exclusively male pronouns, and the conversation I just had with him basically boiled down to him being frustrated at my dysphoria about my male figure/organs. Because of this, I'll clam up and sometimes even shut down if he makes any sexual mention to my penis or any situation where I would be playing a "male" part.

He's basically acting like I'm punishing him by not being comfortable talking about or doing certain things sexually, and is generally having a hard time understanding that sex and gender aren't one and the same. So... what do I do? Should I continue talking to him, do I stay his friend? Should I "warn" people I may get involved with sexually/romantically right away in the future? He isn't abusive about it, just frustrated and confused. I'm aware that anything on the romantic front is probably hopeless by now... but can I salvage the friendship, at least? Is there anyone else who has been through something similar? Thanks in advance. less

Well, first of all, you're either trans* or you're agender. You can't be both at the same time. Trans means to transition from one to another. Agender is having no gender.

You don't need to out yourself to every person that you meet and date. You should only ever out yourself if you end up being intimate with another person in a sexual way. Either they'll break up with you or they'll still want to be with you. His making no attempt to understand you is a red flag and a deal breaker.

I'd dump him and find someone new. less

Well, first of all, you're either trans* or you're agender. You can't be both at the same time. Trans means to transition from one to another. Agender is having no gender.

You don't need to out yourself to every person that you meet and date. You should only ever out yourself if you end up being intimate with another person in a sexual way. Either they'll break up with you or they'll still want to be with you. His making no attempt to understand you is a red flag and a deal breaker.

I'd dump him and find someone new. less

I am someone who is trans and I am also a trans educator so I do know what I'm talking about. In the academic community if you are trans it means you are going through transition and if you are agender it means not having a gender. The two identities cannot exist at the same time because if you identify as trans you identify with having a gender. less

This post is reading a little bit hypocritical to me: you're basically saying that Llewy doesn't have the right to self-identify however ze/she (sorry, no pronouns were specified there) wants to. It's kind of like you saying to me, "You can't be a woman because you aren't meeting the criteria to be a ciswoman."

Identity, as I'm sure you know, is in the eye of the beholder.


And just to clear it it all up:
Transgender is an umbrella term that encompasses anyone whose behavior or identity crosses gender roles assigned to them by society based on their anatomical sex. *

So if Llewy (or anyone else) is identifying as asexual they can also be transgendered because they do not identify with the gender roles assigned to them--lack of identification with another gender role is not exclusionary.


*Source. less

That is not what I'm saying at all. Anyone can self-identify however they want but they need to understand the terms they are using.

The Latin prefix Trans means to transition from one to another, beyond, or across.

Transgender means to transition socially without surgery or hormones.
Transsexual means to transition with the aid of hormones and surgery.
Agender is to not have a gender.

Trans really isn't an umbrella term at it's core latin meaning. Agender does not fit into the trans prefix. It's only the last four years that trans got turned into an "umbrella term" because people wanted some magical community where everyone belongs. That's why I don't identify with the trans community anymore despite the fact that I'm a transsexual man. less