The New Intimacy

Difficult Conversations

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Contributor: Pandahb Pandahb
Everyone has them. Its the truth. And there is even a book about them that I had the pleasure of reading recently.

I was actually having a difficult conversation with someone here on Eden. The most the conversation progressed, the more angry I became and said increasingly worse things back. Before I knew it, I was infuriated by this conversation and felt deeply like I wasn't being heard.

Have you ever felt like you were trying to discuss something, and you just became angrier or more stressed the less you felt heard?

How did you deal with it? Do you think you handled it in a good way? If not, do you think you can fix it now?
10/19/2010
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Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Well, I can safely tell you that I have had this happen, I probably didn't handle it in a very good way, and at this point, I don't overly care to fix it at this point in time. If that person wanted to, then maybe. However over time I have learned to just take breathers and come back to respond later after I've had some time to think about what I want to say, rather than just shoot off the first mean thing I can think of.

I hope things eventually worked out for you
10/19/2010
Contributor: Pandahb Pandahb
That is good advice. I wonder what it is about time that makes the light shine brighter...
10/19/2010
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
You know, I not only wish that I knew the answer to that, but also that I had learned it years and years ago, lol
10/19/2010
Contributor: ToyTimeTim ToyTimeTim
I think that as your anger level rises your ability to rationalize lowers. When you walk away they go back to a more sensible level.
10/19/2010
Contributor: usmcwife99 usmcwife99
For me........I guess when ime not heard in a conversation I have to ask myself is it a battle worth the time.

If I dont choose to just say ok I will stand my ground and not back down. I trualy will only get angry if it involves my family, crimes or the us miltiary. Respect those two and I wont get angry.
10/19/2010
Contributor: Gary Gary
I have found that having online conversations get weird sometimes, as there is a lacking of eye contact and body language to read. So when a misunderstanding of any kind begins, it can easily get out of hand.
10/20/2010
Contributor: Pandahb Pandahb
Quote:
Originally posted by Gary
I have found that having online conversations get weird sometimes, as there is a lacking of eye contact and body language to read. So when a misunderstanding of any kind begins, it can easily get out of hand.
I agree with that. It is also easier to say mean things online since sometimes in person we are hesitant and then the moment is lost.
11/01/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time Pandahb. I had the same sort of thing happen to me tonight, though it was a bit more personal. Sigel and I said some things we really shouldn't have said and we are both exceptionally agressive people so it quickly got out of hand. Not real sure how we are going to mend the breach between us but I know we will or Arch will get involved and knock sense into both of us. He has resisted so far but I can tell he's ready to bust a gasket cause Sigel and I are acting childish and hurting each other...this doesn't make for a happy life partner.

In my experience online I have come to the realization that sometimes you just have to walk away, sometimes permanently, from the conversation. Online you don't have to see the hurt in the person's eyes which makes it easier to say the horrible things you know better than to say.
11/01/2010
Contributor: Trashley Trashley
I hope things work out for you, too holmie.

Recently, I blew up at my I suppose ex-best friend because of everything I was angry about what she'd been doing. I didn't feel heard at all. She kept ignoring my comments and turning everything around on me. Finally I told her that growing and selling illegal drugs in a common house is not "cunt drama," telling me to fuck off when I told her I was going to kill myself is not "cut drama," shacking up with some dude while she's still with her boyfriend, a common friend, is not "cunt drama" and she just told me I was being a girl and having girlish "cunt drama" and that she wouldnt put energy into dealing with it. I got so angry, I said some stuff that I now regret, but I feel better for getting it out anyway. Sometimes you need an outlet, even if unwarranted.
11/01/2010
Contributor: Kimbertrees Kimbertrees
I've learned in the last year that sometimes it's best to just pause the conversation. My ex and I tend to get into really bad fights whenever we talk because of our different views of parenting. It took me awhile of saying things that I later regretted, and him saying things that he regretted, for me to realize that sometimes a conversation needs to be paused. When things start getting overly heated and out of control I tell him that we can talk in an hour (if it's not that big of a fight) or first thing the next day (if it's one of those horribly bad fights) so that we can collect ourselves and possibly solve the manner without going deaf in the process. It's a lot of trial and error seeing as the first few times that I told him this he only exploded farther and more like an old cartoon, but slowly he has come to see that it is probably one of the only ways for us to both be heard and work things out now.

Since you're having a problem with a person online, I suggest acting as if you're offline for a short period of time to give both of you time to calm down.
11/01/2010