The New Intimacy

Guys, do you REALLY think about doing women this much?

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Contributor: Blinker Blinker
I recently read an article in some women's magazine that almost brought me to tears. I was torn between being downright ANGRY and a little bit disgusted. The article featured some musings of a so-called happily married man (his words!) who can't stop ogling women on the street and thinking about how their breasts look, how it feels to have sex with them, all these dirty thoughts. Every woman he saw, he thought about fucking. When he was with his wife, or his kids, he would think about and fantasize about it. He would use these women to think about while he had sex with his wife. In the article he talks about what big horndogs his friends are, too, all of them being happily married as well.

They all thought about other women during sex, thought about the past hookups that never happened, the teenagers in summer clothes, the moms with toddlers, EVERYONE! It was GROSS. Of course I immediately texted my boyfriend about this new information, wanting him to say that he only wants me, dammit. That he only wants to fuck ME, dammit! He didn't exactly say this, but, he did say sweet things and said that those bastards were assholes and the article over-generalized things. He said he's too busy to notice so much sex around. How would he ever get anything done?

Maybe he lied, maybe not. I love him for it.

I've been ranting so damn much I think I'm going to turn this into another EdenCafe piece, but I digress. Men, is this an accurate portrayal of your thoughts and horniness? Does this article describe you or your friends?

Are you really all just...DOGS?

Bark, bark.
08/11/2010
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Contributor: joja joja
Sex is on my mind a lot more than my boyfriend. He teases me about it sometimes, which is how I came to refer to myself as a sex geek. I think it's a personal thing.

Media, especially that geared specifically towards one gender, likes to generalize and publish articles that reaffirm what people believe - such as that men are just so much more sexual than women. When I was younger, I bought it - which led to a lot of confusion and wondering about whether I was an anomaly for wanting it as much as the fabled teenage boys do.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect your partner to automatically cease being attracted to other people just because you are together. However, you do deserve to have him stop being explicit about it if he knows it makes you uncomfortable.
08/11/2010
Contributor: Evoluchun Evoluchun
I really think it depends on the guy and usually more likely in younger men more and I'm not sayin older men don't think about sex alot I'm jsut saying there less likely to be wanting to fantasize about every woman walking by. It is sickening that there are men out there like that and in the end you just gotta hope your man isn't one of these.
08/11/2010
Contributor: Alicia Alicia
I don't think or, or even MOST men are like this. I think that guy's friends are like that because well...you usualy have a lot in common with the company you keep. Guys who aren't like that probably don't want to hang around with him, especially if that's all he talks about! I know my husband wouldn't want to hang out with someone like that!
08/11/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Blinker
I recently read an article in some women's magazine that almost brought me to tears. I was torn between being downright ANGRY and a little bit disgusted. The article featured some musings of a so-called happily married man (his words!) who ... more
Blinker, honey. A lot of people fantasize all the time. It doesn't mean they don't love or want their partners, just that they like to think about having sex with other people.

My Man has told me he "falls in love" at least 2 or 3 times a day. Meaning he sees a woman he's thinking about sex with. It does NOT mean he WOULD have sex with her, just that that is the way his mind works.

I have to admit, I think a lot like this, too. "What would this guy be like in bed?" I wonder, about the cute dude in his 20s who works at our library, about the tough guy who owns our local coffee shop (and often gives me free coffee) about my butcher. Yes, my butcher. He flirts with me, gives me deals, he's not even all THAT hot, I just think, "What is he like in bed? He's obviously good with his hands." As well as about every other halfway decent looking man I see from the ages of 18 to 65 or so in the course of a normal day!

My Man and I did have an Open Relationship at one time, but we have been monogamous for decades. He would never cheat on me, and I would never cheat on him (although we have discussed "The Lifestyle" but I don't think he'd handle it well......)

Men or women who have fleeting fantasies about strangers are NOT bad people, nor would they simply jump into bed, or the backseat, or an alley with these people they fantasize about. Some of us just have VERY active imaginations and our thoughts tend to run towards sex.....all the time.....with little encouragement. We can still make very good monogamous partners. We just THINK a lot.

But, yeah, a lot (but not ALL) men think about doing women this much. And there are women who think about doing men this much. And men who think about doing other men this much. And women who think about doing other women this much. It's just a variation of sexual thought processes and is very innocent.

Don't worry, your man loves you. The worst thing you can do is to THINK about who he may be THINKING about. It doesn't matter, he loves YOU and fantasies are just that, unreal and just for secret enjoyment. Most would NEVER act on them. It's just an other variation on sexual though processes.

Your mileage may vary.
08/11/2010
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Most of these articles are meant to be out-liars - that's how they get people to buy the mags and read the articles. But I'd say there is a kernel of truth in it.

Whether your a male or female with an active imagination - filled with fantasies - it can be good or bad. Most of us learn to channel that lust for the beautiful stranger into a lust filled evening with our partner.

We learn to live with and prosper from our diversions - use it or loose it - gotta keep the plumbing working!
08/11/2010
Contributor: ToyTimeTim ToyTimeTim
I have had fantasies about women I see,(Halle Berry grrr ) not every one though. I do not imagine they are the wife during sex, that's just asking for trouble.

I do look and appreciate the beauty of the female figure, I believe this is only natural and would bet all men do it at some point, how you deal with it is the problem.
08/11/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
My ex-husband was the complete opposite - he wanted a younger version of his mother. I think I diappointed him early in our marriage when I refused the role, even though he kept non-verbally trying to saddle me with it. No other girl did it for him - it had to be a matronly-looking woman like his mother, period ... he didn't even look at other women unless they were MILF's that were like his mother (which weren't many).

And some guys are pigs. And some have tact enough to not stick their feet down their gullet. And some writers can write only hack and sensationalism.
08/11/2010
Contributor: Rockin' Rockin'
I'm a woman. I don't think about other men when I have sex with my male partner, but I think about women sometimes. I look at women when I'm out in public and think about a lot of the things you listed up there. I also look at men and think similar things.
08/11/2010
Contributor: deadpoet deadpoet
I have a boyfriend and he always tells me he never thinks or looks at other women. But he has called me by RPG characters name during sex. So, I don't know what to think
08/11/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Blinker
I recently read an article in some women's magazine that almost brought me to tears. I was torn between being downright ANGRY and a little bit disgusted. The article featured some musings of a so-called happily married man (his words!) who ... more
Good Lord Hun calm down! I doubt your man is thinking about other women while he's with you...unless he's imagining what you and some other woman would do in bed! I have talked to a lot of guys very candidly and most of them think guys like this are actually not really happy in their marriages since most guys are visually orientated during sex! So if you want to be sure your guy is focussing on you during sex give him something to see! Turn on some lights and talk to him.
Guys look, girls look, dogs look, cats look it's nature at it's finest! Still this idiot goes a bit far in saying all happily married guys do this...for God's sake there are times when you are thinking about other things, or you have car crashes and what not.
Rest assured your guy wants to be with you, TRUST him and take a look at some eye candy with him! For some guys it's a MAJOR turn on to go people watching with their mates.
08/11/2010
Contributor: Blinker Blinker
Quote:
Originally posted by Airen Wolf
Good Lord Hun calm down! I doubt your man is thinking about other women while he's with you...unless he's imagining what you and some other woman would do in bed! I have talked to a lot of guys very candidly and most of them think guys like ... more
Oh I know everyone looks. I do it, too, but I just don't think about banging other people. The guy in this article though is just slime. He would use his kids to lure in other women to flirt with, he and his friends remove their wedding rings...really sort of sleazy things (in my opinion). I know every guy CAN'T be like this or they'd all be single with carpal-tunnel syndrome.
08/11/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Blinker
Oh I know everyone looks. I do it, too, but I just don't think about banging other people. The guy in this article though is just slime. He would use his kids to lure in other women to flirt with, he and his friends remove their wedding ... more
There you go - proof that he's a dick and disrespects everyone, especially his kids. Calling himself 'happily married' while doing shit like this isn't an excuse, it's being an asshole.

Don't judge one mouth-breather to represent the whole lot of people who just happen to share the same Y-chromosome. He's obviously from the shallow end of the gene pool. My only hope is that his wife finds out what she married and gets rid of him as fast as possible.
08/11/2010
Contributor: Blinker Blinker
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
There you go - proof that he's a dick and disrespects everyone, especially his kids. Calling himself 'happily married' while doing shit like this isn't an excuse, it's being an asshole.

Don't judge one mouth-breather to ... more
I love you, Chilipepper
08/15/2010
Contributor: David88 David88
This is an interesting topic. I deal with this some what in that I am attracted to other woman besides my wife. I don't think about having sex with them but that is because I actively try to avoid it. I think the realization I have come to at least partially is that just because you're married doesn't mean your not going to still be attracted to other people. However because of my commitment to my wife, I am trying to learn to see beauty in someone else but just leave it at that. It's definitely some thing I still struggle with but I think I making progress on it.
08/16/2010
Contributor: seaofneptune seaofneptune
Quote:
Originally posted by Blinker
I recently read an article in some women's magazine that almost brought me to tears. I was torn between being downright ANGRY and a little bit disgusted. The article featured some musings of a so-called happily married man (his words!) who ... more
Things like this are really frustrating for me but I try to see if from both sides. Growing up one of my relatives was like this, he had a porn addiction (to the point that he made up his own website of naked lady photos he collected) and he looked at other women. He even made me change the channel back if I channel surfed past some woman being sexy or scantily clad. This started when I was 11 years old and I had trouble dealing with it. To the point that it made me frustrated and angry and hate guys like this.

It's hard to think about things like this because there are two mentalities stuck in your head about it "It's okay to look but not touch" and then "Wandering eyes lead to wandering hearts." So which is right everyone has different mentalities.

Sure it's human nature that everyone looks but it everyone doesn't necessarily think about having sex with everyone that they are attracted to. I don't and I highly doubt that my partner does either. I'm the type of person that doesn't enjoy fantasizing about anyone other than my partner, if I would fantasize about anyone else my partner would have to be there too. I would sooner fantasize about other people being together than me or my partner alone with someone else. I feel that my partner feels the same way too.
08/16/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Blinker
Oh I know everyone looks. I do it, too, but I just don't think about banging other people. The guy in this article though is just slime. He would use his kids to lure in other women to flirt with, he and his friends remove their wedding ... more
Using your kids to lure women is sleazy. So is the wedding ring thing, if the man wears one.

My Man doesn't wear a wedding ring (he has issues with textures, can't wear a watch, or any jewelry of any kind, he doesn't even wear gloves in the winter, unless he's shoveling snow.) But, if a man wears one, and TAKES it off to try to impress chicks, just not nice.

There is a difference between fantasizing and harmless flirting and actually TRYING to cheat. I think different people have different types of fantasy lives. Both My Man and I can fantasize and stay true to each other with NO problem. We've been monogamous for more than 20 years and both of us have wandering eyes.

It takes all kinds. Some people just fantasize and really have little control over their imaginations, but Do have control over their actions. There is a BIG difference. But, trying to actually CHEAT is a different story.
08/16/2010
Contributor: AU AU
Most of my friends are men, and I know a few of them very, very well. My significant other and I know nearly everything about each other. I can say that not all men are yucky in that way. I don't think everyone is fuel for their fantasies. Those of them in relationships seem very committed to their one lover (or in the case of the polyamorous friends--their other partner).


My significant other probably almost never fantasizes about other women. Yeah, right. No, really. At least not real women. It has become pretty clear to me that is the case. His head is filled with other things.

But most men, most people probably do play with some fantasy. But it's generally nothing to be worried about.

I have been the one with the fantasies, to the point it was a problem. It was during the time I had an overactive sex drive, too--a dangerous mix. I had fleeting visions of how it would be with people I would not want to have sex with, should not have sex with. I had more elaborate fantasies involving people I had some interest in at some point. It became bad when I was given opportunities in reality to live out these fantasies--while in a happy relationship. I made some dramatic changes in my life and was able to tame these urges. So you see, women or men can be such "horndogs". But I don't think people with such issues are so common.
08/16/2010
Contributor: ToyingCouple ToyingCouple
I think the article greatly over-generalized the fact that most people (women included) do check out others in a sexual way and I don't think having a quick fantasy in your head is any big issue. My hubby and I live by the code that 'it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home'.
08/16/2010