I was mildly molested by a much older cousin when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I say mildly, because there was no penetration, and the molestation only lasted for a couple of months. Also, I don't believe that this molestation left much in the way of scars because I took control of the situation and ended it myself. I threatened to tell his father what he was doing. He was terrified of his father. And frankly, so way I. I honestly don't know if I would have actually told my uncle what was going on if the threat of telling him hadn't been enough to stop the molestation. But the molestation stopped, and I knew that I was the one who stopped it, so I honestly don't believe that it damaged me much.

In my freshman year of college, I was violently raped by a group of young men. I was stupid and got drunk and walked across campus by myself. I was thrown onto a concrete surface and hit my head and honestly don't remember the actual rape, but the physical and emotional evidence was there to be seen later. This experience did leave me with terrible emotional scars. I had been a virgin and rather a goody-two-shoes. It was actually my first time to get drunk, and I mainly did it out of curiosity since everyone else seemed to enjoy it so much. I was such an innocent that I didn't realize how vulnerable it made me.

After a few months of recovery, I became extremely promiscuous, which I understand is a pretty common reaction to being raped. To this day, there is a part of me that wonders if the rape really happened because I have never remembered it. I know that it did. But there is a part of me that still doubts. And that doubt tears away at my self-confidence and my self-image. Maybe I became a slut simply because I wanted to and not as some sort of reaction to being raped.

In my thirties, while I was drinking wine at a friends' house, my friends' friend, whom I had met before, but didn't know all that well, raped me. I was somewhat drunk, but that's not why I call it rape. (Though taking advantage of someone who is drunk IS rape.) I would have been willing to have sex with him. I was still in my promiscuous stage. But he didn't just have sex with me. He slammed my body repeatedly against a brick fireplace and grabbed my hair and beat my head against the floor. I had to see a doctor because of the damage to my back. That's why I call it rape. Even though he was a friend of a friend, it was violent and it was rape.

I didn't fight back against him. Even when he was banging my head on the floor, I didn't fight back. And that bothers me to this day. Why didn't I fight back???

I wonder why these things happened to me. I don't think that sexual abuse is so common that my experiences are normal. At least I hope they aren't. But they have left me with a number of scars that affect both my self-image and my sex life.

This is the first time that I have shared all of this information with anyone other than my therapist and my husband. It hasn't been easy writing this. But I feel safe in my anonymity here, and I think that sharing all of this might help me. And might possibly help others as well. less

I am sorry that happened to you.

I was molested by my grandfather from the time I was about 3 until I was about 12. My grandmother knew too, sometimes she was in the same damn room while it was happening, the Bitch! (I found out years later, she stood by while my grandfather raped his daughter for YEARS, until she was like 19 or something). She stood by and did nothing! My father physically abused me from the time I was a toddler, until I was a teen (I could not trust him, to tell him what his father was doing to me. My grandfather knew that and used that as his leverage to keep me quiet.) I have not spoken to that side of my family, besides my father since I turned 14. My grandfather and grandmother both died about 5-10 years ago and from how I understand it - they were long and painful deaths at that, but I don't have one single shred of feeling either way toward them anymore, only to the act of molestation.

My grandfather robbed my innocence from me. I was never a virgin. I never got to share that part of me with someone I loved "for the first time." I was very promiscuous in middle school and high school, looking for someone to LOVE me, what I got when I gave myself away was just someone to use me instead.

When I met my husband, I knew he was different. He wanted me and wanted to take the time to show me he was not like every other man I had ever run across in my life. I was 22 when our son was born. Shortly after his birth, I decided I was going to stop the cycle of molestation and incest that went on in my family. I blew the lid clean off that secret telling everyone I knew, everything I knew and everything that happened to me, telling my aunts and uncles, sisters and brothers everyone, so they knew how to address it with their kids.

I have taken back my power. I used to think sex was something that maybe I should not enjoy. I felt bad sometimes when I did enjoy it. I felt like I was that "dirty little girl" that my grandfather told me I was (he meant it in the way of I was trash and no one cared for me). All the things I associated with sex that made me feel bad, I have (with the help of my husband) conquered and my power has been restored as far as my sexuality is concerned.

When my husband calls me a "dirty little girl" it has a whole new connotation to it and is something I now take pleasure in hearing, instead of cringing from. Being beaten as a child, I didn't know how to overcome the auto-flinch when someone would just raise their hand around me. So we bought a flogger and a crop and I found, in my husband's hands, they have a dual purpose. I used to have a tendency to zone out during sex, but I enjoy being flogged to keep me present and in the moment and at the same time, I enjoy the thud or the slap immensely.

I used to think it was sick to enjoy an orgasm, because my grandfather induced that in me when I was a little girl. I used to think it was sick, to enjoy a pinch or a spank during sex, because my father beat me to a pulp when I was little. I now, give into those pleasures daily, it has been huge in my healing process.

*steps off the soapbox* less

So much heartache and pain caused or at least inflamed by our societies love/hate relationship with sex. You ladies are amazing people and I am honored to hear your stories. Your courage prompted me to sit my teen age girls down and tell them what you have said about abuse...I want them to internalize that abuse is the crime of the abuser and not the "fault" of the abused.
Namaste less

So much heartache and pain caused or at least inflamed by our societies love/hate relationship with sex. You ladies are amazing people and I am honored to hear your stories. Your courage prompted me to sit my teen age girls down and tell them what you have said about abuse...I want them to internalize that abuse is the crime of the abuser and not the "fault" of the abused.
Namaste less

I'm going to address the "promiscuity" ; you mentioned:Sexual promiscuity after being abused is fairly common. At least it was for me. There's this sense of: "Well, since I was treated as an object, that must be what I am; therefore, that is how I will act." Also, there is a sense of: "I will control now who gets to touch me." Not to mention the search for someone who will not see you as a solely as sexual being; where, in our own fucked up survivor mind, we determine that through sexual activity and base it on how the person treats you. I went through all three of those scenarios.My very first Eden Cafe post, I discuss how I chose to reclaim my sexuality. A process that is different for everyone. The first thing that I had to do is to fully teach my brain to believe:1) I didn't ask for any of it.2) Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. Rape/abuse is NOT about the victim, it's about the power that the attacker feels the need to exert; and once they've got it in their minds that this is going to happen, they will make it happen. (Not that you shouldn't fight back, but their adrenaline-fueled strength is often hard to overpower) So, short of being a mind reader or a clairvoyant who can see the future, NOTHING you could have done would have changed their actions. Drunk or no. Short skirts or not!3) They MAY NOT win. This is MY body. less

Funny you say that, "...this is the kind of experience that makes people into serial killers."

That is how I got my grandfather to stop touching me. I told him if he ever came near me again I was going to kill him! I said so, with such rage, that in that moment I really think he totally believed every word of what I was saying to him. I will never forget the look on his face and the fear in his eyes. He NEVER touched me, EVER again. It was then, I realized it was totally on him. He was the one who was wrong, not me.

However, I still had many years of thinking, as BBW Talks Toys said,"Well, since I was treated as an object, that must be what I am; therefore, that is how I will act. I will control now who gets to touch me." less

First of all: you are not stupid for getting drunk and walking home. It is not the responsibility of individuals to not get raped, and this is a horribly dangerous line of thinking that is prominent in this culture. It is the responsibility of would-be rapists to not rape. The people responsible in all three of the scenarios that you described are those committing sexual violence against you. It is never yourself. You are not "guilty of being raped". It is not a crime, or even stupid to want to, get drunk and walk home. It is a crime to rape someone. You are not at fault in any way, shape or form for your assaults.

And thank you for posting this. In the future if you post something like this you may wish to post a "trigger warning" and state that you will be graphically describing sexual violence - simply because some of us can't handle reading that, and it sends us into a really bad place of re-experiencing our trauma.

I had trouble reading your accounts; I am also a survivor of sexual assault. I am glad you were brave enough to post them. I know first hand that one of the hardest things about breaking the silence around sexual violence is not just having to admit it to other people, but admit it to yourself. To admit that yes, that was sexual assault. Yes, that happened. You are effectively admitting these things by writing them out, and I think your therapist would probably be happy to know that. It takes a lot to get to that place.

Sadly, sexual violence is incredibly common. I wish I could tell you that your estimate about its rarity is true, but it's unfortunately not. 1 in 4 women will experience some kind of sexual assault in their life in the United States - and considering that this statistic is drawn from reported assaults, and that sexual violence is dramatically under-reported due to the shame and trauma surrounding it? I would bet on my life that the number is much higher. We currently live in a culture that teaches violence and promotes it, and until we change our attitudes we will all continue to suffer.

There is more in your post I want to talk about - especially that you call yourself a "slut" and feel negatively about that. Right now I feel a little drained just trying to talk about this and I am sure that you understand. I just want to thank you for sharing your story because it's extremely valuable in helping other survivors not feel isolated - and reminding others that sexual violence is a problem is a very real problem in our world. It's hard to share a story and doing so in person or on a computer takes a lot of courage. You have my admiration for doing so and all of my best wishes in coping and healing as best as you can from these experiences. less

Two things:

1) Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, even somewhat anonymously. I firmly believe that sharing your story is fully helpful and cathartic. There are many, many people here who are survivors. Some have shared their stories, some have not. Everyone heals and shares in their own time. A website you might find helpful as far as hearing other survivor stories and how they've overcome (or are overcoming, or simply coming to terms) would be ViolenceUnsilenced. The woman, Maggie, who runs the site is amazing!

2) I greatly appreciate your keeping the voting anonymous. Some people, as I said, aren't ready to come out with their stories, but are willing to vote. less

I am sorry that happened to you.

I was molested by my grandfather from the time I was about 3 until I was about 12. My grandmother knew too, sometimes she was in the same damn room while it was happening, the Bitch! (I found out years later, she stood by while my grandfather raped his daughter for YEARS, until she was like 19 or something). She stood by and did nothing! My father physically abused me from the time I was a toddler, until I was a teen (I could not trust him, to tell him what his father was doing to me. My grandfather knew that and used that as his leverage to keep me quiet.) I have not spoken to that side of my family, besides my father since I turned 14. My grandfather and grandmother both died about 5-10 years ago and from how I understand it - they were long and painful deaths at that, but I don't have one single shred of feeling either way toward them anymore, only to the act of molestation.

My grandfather robbed my innocence from me. I was never a virgin. I never got to share that part of me with someone I loved "for the first time." I was very promiscuous in middle school and high school, looking for someone to LOVE me, what I got when I gave myself away was just someone to use me instead.

When I met my husband, I knew he was different. He wanted me and wanted to take the time to show me he was not like every other man I had ever run across in my life. I was 22 when our son was born. Shortly after his birth, I decided I was going to stop the cycle of molestation and incest that went on in my family. I blew the lid clean off that secret telling everyone I knew, everything I knew and everything that happened to me, telling my aunts and uncles, sisters and brothers everyone, so they knew how to address it with their kids.

I have taken back my power. I used to think sex was something that maybe I should not enjoy. I felt bad sometimes when I did enjoy it. I felt like I was that "dirty little girl" that my grandfather told me I was (he meant it in the way of I was trash and no one cared for me). All the things I associated with sex that made me feel bad, I have (with the help of my husband) conquered and my power has been restored as far as my sexuality is concerned.

When my husband calls me a "dirty little girl" it has a whole new connotation to it and is something I now take pleasure in hearing, instead of cringing from. Being beaten as a child, I didn't know how to overcome the auto-flinch when someone would just raise their hand around me. So we bought a flogger and a crop and I found, in my husband's hands, they have a dual purpose. I used to have a tendency to zone out during sex, but I enjoy being flogged to keep me present and in the moment and at the same time, I enjoy the thud or the slap immensely.

I used to think it was sick to enjoy an orgasm, because my grandfather induced that in me when I was a little girl. I used to think it was sick, to enjoy a pinch or a spank during sex, because my father beat me to a pulp when I was little. I now, give into those pleasures daily, it has been huge in my healing process.

*steps off the soapbox* less

I'm going to address the "promiscuity" ; you mentioned:Sexual promiscuity after being abused is fairly common. At least it was for me. There's this sense of: "Well, since I was treated as an object, that must be what I am; therefore, that is how I will act." Also, there is a sense of: "I will control now who gets to touch me." Not to mention the search for someone who will not see you as a solely as sexual being; where, in our own fucked up survivor mind, we determine that through sexual activity and base it on how the person treats you. I went through all three of those scenarios.My very first Eden Cafe post, I discuss how I chose to reclaim my sexuality. A process that is different for everyone. The first thing that I had to do is to fully teach my brain to believe:1) I didn't ask for any of it.2) Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. Rape/abuse is NOT about the victim, it's about the power that the attacker feels the need to exert; and once they've got it in their minds that this is going to happen, they will make it happen. (Not that you shouldn't fight back, but their adrenaline-fueled strength is often hard to overpower) So, short of being a mind reader or a clairvoyant who can see the future, NOTHING you could have done would have changed their actions. Drunk or no. Short skirts or not!3) They MAY NOT win. This is MY body. less

So much heartache and pain caused or at least inflamed by our societies love/hate relationship with sex. You ladies are amazing people and I am honored to hear your stories. Your courage prompted me to sit my teen age girls down and tell them what you have said about abuse...I want them to internalize that abuse is the crime of the abuser and not the "fault" of the abused.
Namaste less

I had to vote other because I have been abused sexually but I wasn't twisted up by it because I already believed I had no worth and if I wished to keep his love I had to simply endure his sickness.

I already knew it wasn't my fault and I wasn't a bad person because I simply stopped fighting and let hm have his way...I truly believed I was already a bad person intrinsically and had no right to say no or that if I did I would be alone and no one would ever love me.

Love was conditional in my house growing up and it was all about what you did for someone that made them love you. I was a HumanDoing rather than a HumanBeing.
I fell in love with a young boy who was so brutally abused sexually as a child by his own family that it STILL shocks me what he endured. I had no boundaries and he was so afraid that he controlled EVERYTHING that went on sexually.
Talk about tinder and flint, right?

At any rate we made it through and I found my self worth, he found his personal power and along the way we found an amazing partner that sees us the way we are, he is our mirror of truth and we are his.

What I would say to anyone who is sitting there feeling like they truly have no worth beyond what they do for people...stop being a HumanDoing and just try Being for a while. It's a whole new world when you face your shortcomings and learn that they do not define who you are! They are the shadow set there to define, deepen and describe your incredible brightness. You deserve to be loved just for breathing, anything else is fleeting and will fade away. less

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I really needed to hear some of the things you said. I don't think anyone has ever told me that I had a right to get drunk and walk home. I just always hear how it is stupid to put yourself in such a vulnerable position. One bitch of a girl that I told part of the story to, flat out told me that I was asking for it. That's probably why I've told so few people the whole story of that rape or about the other abuse I suffered

I'm sorry, but I don't know how to post a "trigger warning". If I can add it now, just tell me how. If I can't, please still tell me how anyway, and if I ever post another thread such as this one, I will be sure to use it.

My therapist is thrilled that I've started writing about my experiences. The anonymity of posting online makes it much easier for me. It's not like I'm actually telling anyone in real life. I'm just dragging it out of my head and throwing it into cyberspace. Still, it's not always easy. But I think it is good for me. And I thought it might be good to give other people a place to talk about their experiences.

I do understand about feeling drained. As soon as I finished writing this post, I had to get off the computer and go distract myself with a book. And even then, I still just sort of felt shocky for a while.

Thank you again for your words of support. They really do help. less

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I really needed to hear some of the things you said. I don't think anyone has ever told me that I had a right to get drunk and walk home. I just always hear how it is stupid to put yourself in such a vulnerable position. One bitch of a girl that I told part of the story to, flat out told me that I was asking for it. That's probably why I've told so few people the whole story of that rape or about the other abuse I suffered

I'm sorry, but I don't know how to post a "trigger warning". If I can add it now, just tell me how. If I can't, please still tell me how anyway, and if I ever post another thread such as this one, I will be sure to use it.

My therapist is thrilled that I've started writing about my experiences. The anonymity of posting online makes it much easier for me. It's not like I'm actually telling anyone in real life. I'm just dragging it out of my head and throwing it into cyberspace. Still, it's not always easy. But I think it is good for me. And I thought it might be good to give other people a place to talk about their experiences.

I do understand about feeling drained. As soon as I finished writing this post, I had to get off the computer and go distract myself with a book. And even then, I still just sort of felt shocky for a while.

Thank you again for your words of support. They really do help. less

Just in case you need to hear it again then: Ivy, you had every right to walk home drunk and to be left alone while you were doing it. It's not your fault that you encountered a group of violent criminals along the way, and the fact that you were vulnerable doesn't make you stupid, it just proves that they were sick-os.

I have a medical issue that has made me pass out in public several times, and will undoubtedly make me do it again some day. Does that mean I'm being stupid every time I go out in public alone since I'm making myself vulnerable? Or does it give anyone the right to rape me if I do happen to pass out? I don't think so, and I believe the concept is the same in your case; you were vulnerable, but nobody had the right to take advantage of that.

Normal men would have left you alone. Really nice guys would have helped you home safely. It's not your fault that those guys weren't normal or nice. less

To anyone who has ever gone through sexual abuse. It is always painful and always incredibly difficult to recover from.

I am a survivor. It happened almost 2 years ago, but I still feel the aftershocks of it. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself, but I am no longer ashamed.

I was 19 and on what was supposed to be a "date." He was out of money (we were supposed to go to a local bar to shoot pool), so he asked if we could hang out at his place and drink. I got drunk a lot faster than I should have. I think he drugged me. We had been kissing, and he gave me a backrub. Later I was going in and out of sleep. I passed out and woke up laying my stomach with my pants and underwear pulled down and him on top of me. I felt something inside of my soul rid into shreds at the sudden realization of what was happening to me. I just laid there terrified and drunk trying to figure out what I should do to make him stop. I his hands around my throat and I wondering if I was going to die.

I said the only thing that I thought he might care about. He had previously told me how he disrespected his friends that got women knocked up and had to pay child support for their kids. I decided to ask him if he were wearing a condom. He said, "Oh shit," and got off of me. I got my clothing back on and yelled at him and cried that this was never supposed to happen and how could he do this to me. He took away my first time from me. He knew I was a virgin and didn't want to have sex with him. It was too much. He shrugged and said, "Sorry for ruining your life." I made him drive me home. I just wanted to make sure that I got home.

The next day I went to the hospital for a rape kit. I would be damned if he gave me an STD/I or had gotten me pregnant. For months I fantasized about his murder at my own hands.

To this day, I have not had sexual intercourse with anyone. I refuse to think of my rapist as the one who took my virginity. I have toys because I am in control of my own body and my own pleasure. I've become incredibly selective about the people that I date. I have had dates after that night, but only one out of several dates ever saw me naked or got to fool around with me, and I called all the shots because it was the only way that I felt comfortable.

I used to worry that this was the reason that I was into BDSM, because I had developed control issues or that my rape had fucked me up so I couldn't enjoy sex like normal people do. It took me a very long time to accept that I had been a kinkster before my rape and that being kinky is not a product of being "damaged."

I believe that one day I will find someone who is worth having sex with, but until then, I've closed my body off to everyone except myself for sexual gratification. less