Is sex submissive?

The New Intimacy

Is sex submissive?

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Contributor: Heather Heather
Let me start by saying I am very new to sex exploration. At the age of 41 I’m finally discovering I don’t need to be a prude. So I’m on a mission of self discovery and have found the Eden community to be a very sound source of advise and conversation. When I first found the site I was in shock never having even seen any kind of toy or porn. Yes I’ve lead a sheltered life and need to catch up. I was intimidated but have found you’re an interesting, normal group of intelligent people helping me to find my inner slut. So thanks and get ready for me to ask a lot of questions.

So to my question, I was surfing the net and found a blog that shocked me. A woman was talking about Christian DD, domestic discipline. Her husband disciplines her with spanking. Apparently unlike other DD marriages he does not use “corner time” or any instruments to spank. He uses his hand and starts with her clothes on. If she moves or says one word, he starts removing her clothes until she is naked and bare bottom spanked to a redness he feels gets his point across. O.K. yes I was on the floor at the idea of a man spanking his wife but the more I was reading her description I found myself aroused and intrigued. She claims a DD marriage does encourage submissiveness but sex itself is submissive. This is a good point. Do any of you see sex as submissive?

By the way the best part of her blog was the game she is playing. Her husband really thinks he is disciplining his wife and she is getting off on it. She has asked him to start spanking her whenever he sees fit, “maintenance spanking”, not just when she has misbehaved. She asks him for time to herself to reflect on her errors after a spanking and has a solo session. I guess whatever works!
08/28/2009
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Contributor: Maiden Maiden
Quote:
Originally posted by Heather
Let me start by saying I am very new to sex exploration. At the age of 41 I’m finally discovering I don’t need to be a prude. So I’m on a mission of self discovery and have found the Eden community to be a very sound source of advise and ... more
Sounds hot to me! Sex itself as submissive? It definitely is for me, but I am submissive by nature. I'm not sure.... interesting though!
08/28/2009
Contributor: Sir Sir
Sex isn't necessarily always "submissive," but a person can be submissive during sex. How they act and what they do will deem them submissive. Just because a person gets spanked doesn't necessarily mean that they're submissive (though in the way described, this individual probably is), they may just like having their tush tapped a bit.
08/28/2009
Contributor: Maiden Maiden
I do think that there is a certain amount of vulnerability present in all sex, whether the person is dominant or not. Submission though, is entirely different.
08/28/2009
Contributor: Heather Heather
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
Sex isn't necessarily always "submissive," but a person can be submissive during sex. How they act and what they do will deem them submissive. Just because a person gets spanked doesn't necessarily mean that they're submissive ... more
The spanking I can't address having never been spanked but the overall submissiveness, yes. Sex in the pure form, nothing kinky can be submissive in nature on a spiritual and physical level. Think about about it this way. I'm asking a man to touch my body and share in sensations. I'm opening my mind to share. Now think about how a woman is sharing the necter of her flower letting a man touch the flower and enter. Your nude, spreading your legs exposing your flower allow him to enter. Is that not in a sense submissive?
08/28/2009
Contributor: LiftedUp LiftedUp
Quote:
Originally posted by Heather
The spanking I can't address having never been spanked but the overall submissiveness, yes. Sex in the pure form, nothing kinky can be submissive in nature on a spiritual and physical level. Think about about it this way. I'm asking a man to ... more
Heather,
I would say that that's more "vulnerability", than submission. Sure, we all are vulnerable when exposing ourselves to our partner for sexual activity. A man can be vulnerable in the same way that you describe, in opening up his legs for his wife to touch him, or allow her to mount him. It's a all matter of perspective, and the manner in which you approach sexual activity.

Submissiveness, at least to me, tends to suggest more of a willingness to succumb to your partner's desires or demands, even if they are not in line with your desires or demands. Not all sex is like this. Mutual intercourse between partners is just that... mutual. Both parties involved desire the same thing and want it to happen. Yes, they are both vulnerable, but neither is necessarily submissive.

Submissiveness on it's own, at least to me, is only one potential area of the sexual spectrum that you can explore, but does not envelope all sexual activity.

Just my $.02
08/28/2009
Contributor: Heather Heather
Quote:
Originally posted by LiftedUp
Heather,
I would say that that's more "vulnerability", than submission. Sure, we all are vulnerable when exposing ourselves to our partner for sexual activity. A man can be vulnerable in the same way that you describe, in opening ... more
YEAH! That's a point. You know I'm not being submissive but inviting when it's mutual. I guess I'm asking him to explore with me and enter for me and him not based on a command but mutual pleasure. I would be succumbing to both our desires. I've never been in a situation where I've been demanded to do anyhting during sex or demanded to have sex for that matter. Like I said before I've never been spanked except for a love pat before an o and that's it. I imagine the spanking doesn't have to be submissive either depending on the way it's done. Sorry to say as aroused as I was by the woman's descriptions when I checked the net I found some really ugly stuff that turned me off. That'll have to be my next forum question, spanking without it being ugly.
08/28/2009
Contributor: Darling Dove Darling Dove
I don't see sex as submissive at all. However, its likely you have heard that from a Christian DD site because most often people involved in those relationships are masochists. In DD erotica, the woman is usually portrayed as being a naughty child, whom is always wrong, and whose duty it is to allow her husband to use her. I have debated with a few CDD women who defended their right to be treated like dogs, insisting yes their husband really IS always right, and they consent to the treatment so it doesn't matter. While yes, they consent, I personally think some women have been pushed into these relationships as a simple "Hey sweetie, lets try something new" and then their inner "Well maybe I do deserve it" voice took over, since there are some things stated in CDD communities that simply are abuse in the eyes of anyone but CDD couples.

I'm not trying to speak for all of them- But I have to say you sure picked an extreme fetish to start exploring. CDD is odd to say the least- being that the public stance from most churches is that sex for pleasure is bad, and CDD, as I mentioned, encourages the woman being the man's plaything. In fact in some CDD tales I have heard sex mentioned as an accompaniment to punishment- rough, impersonal sex, where the woman is used as a hole and nothing more.

Once again not trying to represent all CDD out there. Just what I have seen.

As far as sex being submissive- I said no, but.. here's why. Well, I was raised to think sex was shameful, for a while I did have a masochistic mindset towards sex, But after some self discovery, and deciding that no.. I do not deserve meaningless punishment, and I especially do not deserve it from myself or from any 'partner', since if they were such a partner they would not attempt to do that to me. Partner implies an equal relationship, and in this way I view sex as equal. There is nothing wrong with BDSM if its consenting, and if it doesn't turn into an "I want out but I am afraid to say so" relationship- But I am not into BDSM in any form, and I value equality with my sexual companions, and heck, even my normal companions.

So I guess the easiest answer for me is that I think it's not submissive. I would never do, sexually, something I didn't feel comfortable with and my partners have enjoyed the fact that I will not force them to do things, either.

About spanking, it's a common fetish. Many girls enjoy it in some playful form or as roleplay in the bedroom. It's not submissive to want to be spanked... It's just a want, like everything else
08/28/2009
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
Sex is rarely feels purely submissive for me. Hubby and I do play domination and submission games sometimes, but even when I'm playing the sub it's still what I want to do because he's taking the dominant role for me and letting me be submissive. Does that make sense?
Another thing is Tantric sex, which we've also tried. There are zero submissive elements in that.
08/29/2009
Contributor: Sir Sir
No, it isn't in a sense submissive. It's sensual and erotic. Not necessarily submissive. A woman can be extremely dominant and enjoy being vaginally penetrated. A woman can also enjoy being dominant and penetrating their partner while being penetrated. I'm not sure why you made it seem like sex is only performed by heterosexual couples, but it's alright.

Sex may or may not be submissive. Personally, in any sex that I've had, there has been dominance and submission. But for others, there sometimes has never been that exchange.
08/29/2009
Contributor: Curious2 Curious2
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
No, it isn't in a sense submissive. It's sensual and erotic. Not necessarily submissive. A woman can be extremely dominant and enjoy being vaginally penetrated. A woman can also enjoy being dominant and penetrating their partner while ... more
ditto!
12/30/2010
Contributor: Shellz31 Shellz31
If you're always a sub to your Dom then yes sex and most of your life (depending on your Dom) will be submissive.

I personally find it a huge turn on to be 'owned' by a Dom!
No more vanilla relationships for me!
12/30/2010
Contributor: Persephone's Addiction Persephone's Addiction
I don't think that sex, for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, is inherently a submissive act. However, I think that women are sent a message from an early age that sex is something that is done TO them, not something they are active participants in. I think this idea takes away a person's sexual power. Granted, if it's a conscious decision and it's something that the individual wants, more power to them - but I see and hear a lot from women that make me think that for most, it's part of the bullshit they were fed as children, teenagers and as adults. If you're taught that your vagina is a sex toy that men want to use, then yeah, sex is submissive - you're a fleshlight with a face.
If it's an unexamined position, I don't think it's positive or empowered. If you're doing it on purpose to get your rocks off, then by all means, submit away. I prefer to be a full partner in mutual perversion.
12/30/2010