My husband died.

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Snozzberries

My husband died unexpectedly six weeks ago and now I have a lot of thoughts I need to work through.

Like, for instance, what do I do with his sex toys?
How long is proper to wait before starting a sexual relationship with someone else?
Why can't I turn off being horny while I grieve?
Can someone use sex as a tool to work through intense grief?

He had medical problems prior to his death that kind of kept us out of the bedroom. His medication nuked his libido and sometimes his ability, and his pain level constantly had me worried I would hurt him worse than he already was hurt, so we both avoided that aspect of the relationship a bit more than we should have. I also feared being disappointed and that fear included having him know I was disappointed, so usually I just didn't try.

Now I'm free to get some whenever I feel like without any worries of that nature, but ... can I? Should I?

We had two kids together that are young and that puts a damper on any overly-adventurous thoughts I might have, but I am still an adult and still have normal hormones that don't seem to be swayed by sadness. I've felt guilty masturbating because of the problems we'd had before that remained unresolved, and I cry every time. I actually have been crying every time for well over a year, for various reasons, but nobody really knew about that.

Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at here is how do I balance being a highly-sexual person with this huge loss I've just experienced? Any advice? It was a wonderful eight years we were together, and I'm not trying to discount anything we had during those years, but I know this isn't the place to go on and on about love and sadness when I'm asking directly pointed sex questions.

07/29/2013

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Ansley

My condolences for your loss. I think everyone grieves differently, I would suggest investing in some really good toys to start with and then perhaps find someone to play with discreetly. Unfortunately, people will judge you if you get into a new relationship with someone and it's up to you to decide if you're willing to deal with their judgments on top of everything else you're going through; if you're okay with that then I say go for it. You're an adult, you have the right to do the things that make you feel best right now. You have to take care of you, just be safe and make sure you don't fall into the wrong hands. It's not uncommon for women to be preyed upon during times like these -- when they're the most vulnerable in life.

07/29/2013

js250

I am very sorry for your loss and the varied and difficult emotions and feelings you are dealing with right now. As a sexual person myself, I do understand where you are coming from.

I would box up his sexual toys and put them away until you are better equipped to deal with them emotionally. Then learn to be able to masturbate while guilt free...this may take some time.

I feel like you may be grieving through the guilt and loneliness of dealing with your sexual being by yourself and not having the ability to share this with your late husband at the time. You may have had a deep sexual connection that dissipated when the health issues arrived...that is possibly why you are having issues with the solo time. Once you can relearn to please yourself with no baggage from the past relationship then it may be the right time for a new beginning with another person.

The right time for a new relationship is in your own hands. No one else can tell you when it is right or appropriate. Your life, comfort level and feelings are completely unique for you. When it is time to reinvest in a new relationship, you will not need to ask others--you will know when it is the right time. Just protect your children from the backlash of a new person in their life. Be gentle with them (I can tell you love them and will be very protective anyways!!).

If you need to talk or have questions, please feel free to message me--I am available to help and have some insight on this situation form my own personal experiences...Huge hugs, heartfelt condolences and friendship, Steff.

07/29/2013

Snozzberries

These were great answers; thank you both very much.

I do have his toys put away for later. I just ... I mean, we had all these plans... some of the toys haven't even been used and I remember making plans to break them in and never getting to it because he didn't feel well enough.

I definitely don't want anyone else to be in the kids' lives right now in that way - any kind of "relationship" would be just a safe booty-call for me because ... well, I ... I may kind of need it. It would keep my emotional level a little more moderate, at least.

I packed up all my toys too, except one, but they're all within reach if I want to get adventurous. I don't really want to get adventurous just yet, though.

As a side note, I got all the changes done to the bedroom we had been planning - new carpet (has been waiting to be installed since the flood we had in February), new paint, stuff put on the walls, furniture rearranged... It's a very nice bedroom now. It's just a little harsh knowing it's a nice bedroom without him in it.

... though his urn box does match the furniture almost perfectly.

07/30/2013

js250

Quote:

Originally posted by Snozzberries

Glad you replied, I was worried about you! I think you should take the time to ask yourself what YOU would like to have in your new bedroom, and maybe think about making it a shrine for your personal sexuality and space. My hubby and I ended up doing that for us and taking the memorials to his father and stepfather into another room that is redesigned for time together to remember and feel close to them outside the bedroom. It ended up being a better idea for our personal sexual relationship. We did not have to deal with the grief and guilt we felt at their passing as well as the memories--good, bad, sad and helpless--we feel when thinking of those wonderful people that meant to much to us in our lives. You will know when the time is right for you to think about these changes. Sometimes when you hold on to something so deep and meaningful--you cannot let go to make the new changes that must happen in your life to continue on....

I hope you do not think this is harsh, it is sincere and meant with deep care. I do not always word things to say what I am trying to convey properly. I have a bit of damage in my processing area of my brain due to a car accident a few years ago.

You may also want to think about using YOUR toys for your own sexual learning and healing as well as try what my hubby and I have recently experienced. Go on a short road trip...overnight and try the booty call that way. We went out of town and had a blast trying the voyeur aspect of our relationship in a couple o other areas....do not know anyone and was able to relax and have fun together without any reservations.

07/30/2013

Chelynn67

Quote:

Originally posted by Snozzberries

I'm so sorry and I know it's tough. I lost my ex husband a year ago the 16th of this month and then my partner in Feb., our anniversary actually. They were my best friends too. I keep praying it gets better, my prayers are with you.

08/01/2013

Pete's Princess

(Review Program Mentor)

Snozzberries and Chelynn67, I am so sorry to hear of the tremendous losses you both suffered. There is no right time or right way to grieve. Everyone has to go through the stages at their own pace. Finding a support group with others who have lost partners may be a good way to work through your grief and guilt. Many Hospice programs have survivor support groups. If you are part of a church then that would be a good resource as well.

When you lose someone, there is the guilt of being the survivor and that you should not be enjoying yourself without him. Just remember that your husband would not want you to spend your life feeling guilty. The best way to deal with any negative emotion is to recognize it and drive it out. When you start feeling guilty that you have a great new bedroom, tell yourself how happy your husband would be to know you are enjoying that room. If things were reversed, what would you want for him? You would want him to be happy and enjoy everything in life.

08/01/2013

SexyPenis

Quote:

Originally posted by Snozzberries

First, I am sorry for your loss (you too, Chelynn67). I would be heartbroken to lose my wife, who is my best friend and mother to our two children as well. I applaud your efforts to "do the right thing" for everyone, you sound like a wonderful person.

I think this is a perfect place to "to go on and on about love and sadness." I am a romantic at heart (despite the jaded facade I show most people). We could all use some more inspiring stories of love and sometimes loss can make everyone else appreciate what we have a little more (sorry if that is selfish). Emotions are a huge component of sex, whether or not we want them to be. For that reason I would suggest waiting until you are sure you are ready before entering into any type of sexual relationship, even if it is non-committal. Speaking for myself, if I felt guilty or like I was cheating playing by myself instead of with my wife (I actually do have concerns about this from time to time), I think I would feel worse acting out my sexual urges with someone else. I am sure others have different experiences but I think it would be very difficult for me to have sex as simply a physical release and not an emotional experience in any situation, much less yours.

That said, I am sure your emotions are high right now, and finding an appropriate release is in your best interest. Orgasm is better than taking out frustrations on those around you. As for the sex toys, I say keep his away for a while and get yours out! I reaffirm the suggestions of others to masturbate by yourself without guilt. You clearly loved this man, and from what you say I think it is clear he would have wanted you to be happy, I know I would want my wife to be able to move on. We have two kids, too, so I know how difficult it can be to find a time and place to discreetly satisfy yourself but I think it would help everyone. Sex and procreation are the antithesis of death, a statement of defiance. I am not at all surprised you are horny. I think sex is a natural and logical celebration that you are alive, and you deserve to be happy.

Good luck!

08/02/2013

Snozzberries

I love every post in this thread (even though yours is sad, Chelynn67... I am sure it gets better but I'm not sure just when; I'm very sorry for your loss and if you need somebody to talk to that's outside your normal circle of friends, I offer my ear - I know how sometimes I feel like I want to talk about it but then I worry that all my regular friends have heard it already and would get bored hearing it a second or third or tenth time.) and I wanted to thank you all for responding.

I know it's a heavy subject and not everyone wants to tackle it, but the few who do sure know how to make me feel better.

I've been having better days and I have a friend with whom I have had sexual playtime without any fear or guilt, which was nice. It was really just him coming over and giving me pleasure until I was done and then he went home. No strings, no issues, no nothing. I really needed that. And there was no penetrative sex (and no pressure for it) so it didn't cross "that line" in my head. I'll admit, after the free orgasms, my mood did improve dramatically.

I realize that my husband is gone and won't be coming back, so I've been working on moving forward more. I'm doing regular day-to-day things and giving myself a break whenever I feel I need it. I'm taking things slowly but there's always forward motion.

And you're all right, he would have wanted me to be happy and healthy and enjoy what I have now. My room is beautiful and I'm going to a Wine & Canvas painting class this next week - I plan to hang the painting I make up on the wall where I can see it from the bed.

I guess I've found the middle-ground path to walk right now - not filled with extreme sadness but also not with the same level of happiness I had with him. It's walkable for now. At least I'm walking.

Thanks for listening.
<3

08/02/2013

peachmarie

Quote:

Originally posted by Snozzberries

I think that this is a very safe place to talk about something like this. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are still a person with needs and desires. You will know when the time is right if you want to start seeing someone new, it sounds like you have been in a stressful situation well before the time your husband died, perhaps seeking out a grief counselor would help. But most importantly give yourself time, don't feel guilty for being sexual. Get through this however you need to and take good care of your kids. I hope everything goes well.

11/02/2013

Happy Kupple

I am so sorry for your loss.

11/03/2013

Kitten has left the site

I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband 3: I hope you and the kids feel well soon and work through, I dont' really have advice but keep your chin up! I'm sure everyone will be thoughtful and comforting, I just wish I could offer more advice.

11/03/2013

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