Your going to have to learn to deal with it. The more you push the more doors get shut. If she's not on this site yet, try to show it to her. Maybe after time she can look around and find a toy she finds appealing. When she gets it, if she ever does, just leave her alone with it, don't force it on her by any means, just let her take it at her own pace. If she plays with it great, if not, oh well. You just need her to discover what works for her, and thats by not messing with her too much. There is a thousand factors at play here. She could be shy or embaressed. She may not like clit stimulation, especially if your grinding her hand over it. That shit is sensitive man, you need a gentle touch and some of us guys just don't have it. The best thing to do is talk and open up about it, but if you go into with your own selfish goals in mind, be ready to statrting closing those doors. You need to remember, you are married so you should feel as close as any two people can get right now. But if you get pissy or whinny, you can just go ahead and fuck the idea that she will ever open up to you about this.
You just need to give her time and personal space to allow her to figure it out on her own.
You'll be okay man.