My great-grandfather was just full of these, though I can't remember too many off the top of my head (a large amount were biblical, and I never was too good with the bible).

The one I can remember: "There once was a dog named August. One day, August got hit by a car and died. His funeral was the next day - what day was the funeral held?"



"September 1st, for it was the end of August."



I remember this so well because my grandma would tell it every September and reminisce about her father.

A man was hospitalized with six plastic horses up his ass.

The doctors described his condition as "stable"

This not mine but I thought it was pretty funny when hubby told it to me. It is out of Playboy.

A women tells her husband that the mailman is retiring and she would like to get him something special. The husband says "Fuck him."

The next day he comes home and finds his wife bent over with the mailman and he asks her, WTF? She looks at him and says "this was your idea."

I heard this one.

The perfect man, the perfect woman, and Santa Clause were in a car wreck. Which one survived?

The perfect woman (of course) because the other two din't exist.

Our culture respects women.



That's the joke.

A man sits down at the bar. The woman sitting next to him leans over and says "its your lucky day, I will do anything you want for $300. The only catch is you have to request it with only using 3 words". The man says ok and hands her $300. He thinks for a min, and then very slowly says "paint my house".

Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one turns to the other and says "Dam"!

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he would like a drink. Rene Descartes says, "I think not" and ceased to exist. It's terrible, I know. One of my high school teachers told it in class.