The suicide solution--seriously, what has stopped you?

When I was a kid my parents were having a lot of trouble in their relationship. My dad started to spend a lot of time with a woman who was living in one of our apartments and was a lot younger than him. My mom suspected that he was having sex with her behind her back. I still to this day have no idea if my dad did any of those things or if they were just friends. I'm assuming they did but I honestly don't know because I never had the nerve to ask. One night, my mom got upset and went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of ibuprufen and Tylenol pms and starting swallowing handfuls of pills while sobbing uncontrollably, right in front of me. I was probably 12 or something. I watched the whole thing and I remember feeling frozen in terror but also a lot of confusion. I was a few feet away and she probably didn't even realize I was watching her. A close friend that lived in another apartment was an ER/ambulance driver and he was outside talking to my dad (smoke break) when all this went down. They both took her to the hospital when the came in and realized what was happening (I'm not really sure what the hell happened because they left quickly and I was left to babysit my little brother. I remember being scared and lonely but it's all a blur.) All I know is that they took her to the ER and they pumped her stomach. Thank goodness she didn't die. It's strange to say but I don't remember her coming home or any time afterwards. It's like those years were a blur because so much shit happened back then.

My mom is fine and she regrets what she did. She said she felt unloved and hurt with horrible depression. My parents are divorced. My dad lost contact with that girl soon afterwards so I don't know where she went. Back then my mom wasn't taking meds but after that she had to get some for depression and she's still on them to this day.

She's my best friend and we do everything together and I'm so thankful that she's alive and well. She's mentally stable and she would NEVER attempt to do this again. I wish she would realize back then that life would get better. I feel incredibly grateful for all the time I've spent with my mom since that terrible day. I love my mom. I'm sure she probably would have died without medical care so nothing stopped her, not even us kids. I seriously think she had depression and didn't really realize how over the edge it would send her until it happened. I can't even express how thankful I am that I didn't lose my mom.

I tried when I was younger and obviously it didn't work. I'm glad now that it didn't because I have a wonderful husband and son I would have missed out on.

Now when things get bad my son keeps me alive. I think about how much he would miss me and needs his mom in his life. Even if I feel like my life is misery, I don't want to cause him that same pain. I always tell my doctors it's a good thing I had a kid or I probably wouldn't be here.

I tried once. I was at the end of my rope and had nothing left in me to deal with the situation my husband had put us into, my dysfunctional job, and I simply couldn't live with my husband any longer. I didn't want to hurt him by divorcing him ...

I snapped the day we got our second eviction notice because of his doing (the first eviction notice a few years before that was due to him, too). I had just got back home from a stressful day a work. I got back into the car and drove to the local bridge, fully intending to jump off to end all the pain and hopelessness. That river was notorious for killing people. I actually stood there and looked for a rock below that would split my head open on one dive.

I've no idea how I ended up going back to the car and in my therapist's office, asking to be committed. I spent that first night shivering in a fetal knot in a crisis center. The next week in that crisis center, with therapy and reading, began the decision to divorce him and start everything over by going back home to my family.

That was three years ago this past September. I intend to offer my wedding ring as sacrifice to that river instead of my life when I go back there to get the rest of my possessions in storage.

I have considered suicide many times... up until I started taking lithium, I was on a ritual of making suicide attempts. I would say lithium helped me alot surprisingly... and I would highly recommend it to anyone if nothing else helps. I don't know how, but it helps.

Honestly, it was a mix of not wanting to hurt my mother that way and one really stupid thing I did that made me reflect a bit on my life and realize there was still so much I want to do before I go.

One day maybe five or six years ago I was really upset and wanted to cut (I had been doing that for a while), but each time it was taking more cuts and more blood to get the same sort of "high" that dulled the emotional pain.
I think I might have even been addicted to it at that point, and I decided to try a new way of cutting in hopes it would work better.
So I dismantled a new disposable razor and used one of the paper thin blades to cut my arm where I usually did.
Now normally I used a diabetic testing lancet thing and needed a fair bit of pressure, so I applied the same pressure to that razor and it cut far deeper than I meant it to.

I remember sitting there watching it just bleed and bleed, it soaked through two large bandage pads before it finally slowed down and clotted.
I was panicking and wondering what if I needed stitches, how would I ever be able to explain it to my mother, what if they committed me and I had to stay in for a few days....and freaking out about all those things that should be insignificant if I really wanted to die made me realize how much I actually wanted to live...and how much I still had to live for.