How not to write a review: II - Redux (The Audrey II)
I was very disappointed upon receiving my toy since the delivery man only slowed down enough to throw the package from the delivery truck - and it went straight through the picture window in the front of our house… again!
Well, initially, I was astonished at the size and weight of the box that this toy came in. It seemed more like a box for a stereo system than a male masturbation sleeve. Before I broke out the Sawzall to open ‘er up, I was quite sure that some mistake had been made.
Upon opening the box, I was pleasantly surprised to make my first acquaintance with the Audrey II! She was beautiful, soft, and green; and she looked just like a 60’s drive in movie martian bastardization of a venus flytrap (when planets collide…ahhahahaha… get it?). Along with the Audrey II, came a full sized ceramic planter for display and storage (let airport security try and figure out what the hell this thing is really used for, can you say discreet?), a pair of jumper cables, and a car battery. Yes, a real car battery! At this point, I was very intrigued!
I must admit, the car battery and jumper cables that attached to the bottom of the Audrey II Sleeve were a little intimidating once I actually had my penis inside the mouth of this crazy thing. But, I took a deep breath, a big shot of corn whiskey, and pushed the ‘on’ button. Damn, does this baby got some power to it! I reached orgasm in about 2.5 seconds, began bleeding from my ears and eyes at 5 seconds and, if I had to guess, I would say that the electric current became too much to handle at around 8 or 9 seconds…when I lost consciousness.
Fortunately for me, the Audrey II was set on low and automatically shut off after 10 seconds (the highest setting being 60 seconds). I am not really sure how to describe the unnamable bliss that I experienced; but if I had to put it into words, I would say, if two lawn mowers were having really good rough sex and the female lawnmower had a multiple orgasm that caused her to bleed and then pass out, it would be comparable to the sensations that I experienced.
It’s not just the silky smooth feeling of electricity flowing through your body, and it’s not just the way you begin to feel like whipped cream as your body contorts and goes through seizures, but it’s more the way that the Audrey II heats up and sizzles, engulfing your entire manhood like you are wrapped in a couple pounds bacon that is still cooking on the grill, and at the same time the bacon was trying to eat your penis like it was a python. Heavenly!
As for cleanup, my normal routine for after I am done using any of my hundreds upon hundreds of sex toys, (and most especially if it was being shared or used anally), ‘cause “I’m a safety girl” (that’s from pretty woman, I love that goddamn movie) … I always completely submerge the toy into a bucket of fresh milk and allow my small army of cats to lick it clean with their sterilizingly magically capable tongue power – and, of course, their love for milk. You will find that a cat’s tongue could even sterilize bleach, as well as heal the sick, and, even on rare occasions, depending on the powers of the particular cat in question, return the dead to life… but only in a zombie fashion. The quality of life is gone forever once the life in question has passed over and it can never be returned. The ancient secrets of cat magi have been powerless to true death since before they taught primates how to walk on two legs and communicate verbally, so they continue to search for this most ultimate of all truths.
Summary: On the back of the box it says “That which does not kill us, only makes us hornier”. Let me tell you, they weren’t lying!
Pros: At a mere $9.99, you will not find more bang for your buck!
Cons: Does not really eat meat, though it does chew on it.
I was very disappointed upon receiving my toy since the delivery man only slowed down enough to throw the package from the delivery truck - and it went straight through the picture window in the front of our house… again!
Well, initially, I was astonished at the size and weight of the box that this toy came in. It seemed more like a box for a stereo system than a male masturbation sleeve. Before I broke out the Sawzall to open ‘er up, I was quite sure that some mistake had been made.
Upon opening the box, I was pleasantly surprised to make my first acquaintance with the Audrey II! She was beautiful, soft, and green; and she looked just like a 60’s drive in movie martian bastardization of a venus flytrap (when planets collide…ahhahahaha… get it?). Along with the Audrey II, came a full sized ceramic planter for display and storage (let airport security try and figure out what the hell this thing is really used for, can you say discreet?), a pair of jumper cables, and a car battery. Yes, a real car battery! At this point, I was very intrigued!
I must admit, the car battery and jumper cables that attached to the bottom of the Audrey II Sleeve were a little intimidating once I actually had my penis inside the mouth of this crazy thing. But, I took a deep breath, a big shot of corn whiskey, and pushed the ‘on’ button. Damn, does this baby got some power to it! I reached orgasm in about 2.5 seconds, began bleeding from my ears and eyes at 5 seconds and, if I had to guess, I would say that the electric current became too much to handle at around 8 or 9 seconds…when I lost consciousness.
Fortunately for me, the Audrey II was set on low and automatically shut off after 10 seconds (the highest setting being 60 seconds). I am not really sure how to describe the unnamable bliss that I experienced; but if I had to put it into words, I would say, if two lawn mowers were having really good rough sex and the female lawnmower had a multiple orgasm that caused her to bleed and then pass out, it would be comparable to the sensations that I experienced.
It’s not just the silky smooth feeling of electricity flowing through your body, and it’s not just the way you begin to feel like whipped cream as your body contorts and goes through seizures, but it’s more the way that the Audrey II heats up and sizzles, engulfing your entire manhood like you are wrapped in a couple pounds bacon that is still cooking on the grill, and at the same time the bacon was trying to eat your penis like it was a python. Heavenly!
As for cleanup, my normal routine for after I am done using any of my hundreds upon hundreds of sex toys, (and most especially if it was being shared or used anally), ‘cause “I’m a safety girl” (that’s from pretty woman, I love that goddamn movie) … I always completely submerge the toy into a bucket of fresh milk and allow my small army of cats to lick it clean with their sterilizingly magically capable tongue power – and, of course, their love for milk. You will find that a cat’s tongue could even sterilize bleach, as well as heal the sick, and, even on rare occasions, depending on the powers of the particular cat in question, return the dead to life… but only in a zombie fashion. The quality of life is gone forever once the life in question has passed over and it can never be returned. The ancient secrets of cat magi have been powerless to true death since before they taught primates how to walk on two legs and communicate verbally, so they continue to search for this most ultimate of all truths.
Summary: On the back of the box it says “That which does not kill us, only makes us hornier”. Let me tell you, they weren’t lying!
Pros: At a mere $9.99, you will not find more bang for your buck!
Cons: Does not really eat meat, though it does chew on it.
