Achtung, all ye writers of erotica! Judgment day has come – and with a crisp British accent, to boot! The Bad Sex in Fiction awards were handed out, and this year’s winner is Rachel Johnson:
“Johnson was singled out for her novel's slew of animal metaphors, including comparing her male protagonist's "light fingers" to "a moth caught inside a lampshade", and his tongue to "a cat lapping up a dish of cream so as not to miss a single drop". Literary Review deputy editor Tom Fleming was also disturbed by the heroine's "grab, to put him, now angrily slapping against both our bellies, inside".
"”You sort of think it might be a typo, but she is actually referring to his penis as him. It's a mixture of cliché and euphemism, but it's also very spirited – A plus for effort," he said. "All the entries were equally awful this year, but Rachel Johnson had the worst metaphors, and the worst animal metaphors."”
A lifetime achievement award was given to venerable author John Updike, presumably for his long-running series of Rabbit novels, most notably Rabbit Ramrods Regretfully. If I'm not mistaken, it was also Updike who gave us the unforgettable phrase, "very fucky but no cigar".

Read the whole story here: link

So keep writing your erotica, be it good, bad, or slashiriffic – because, even if it is THAT bad, there’s always someone out there who will appreciate it. And publicly shame you for it by giving you a plaster foot.

Which I think means you’ve just gotten the boot.