The New Intimacy

Advice For Posting at Dating Sites

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Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Hey, folks.

I decided to screw up my courage and posted a profile at a dating site that features my favorite fetish - British men.

I've been there two weeks, and I've gotten only two lookie-loos on my profile (not much came of it). It's set up in which you have your photo, nickname, age, and location listed, and you have to click on the profile to read the rest of it (physical description, family plans, smoking/drinking habits, etc. and a freestyle bio section).

I can pretty much sell myself on my bio. I've had lots of male friends online who I had emotional relationships with because they like my personality and passion ... but once pictures are introduced ... you get the idea.

I'm not attractive enough to lure them in to the point of getting anyone to actually read my profile, so what am I to do? I'm totally worth it, but my face (and possibly my size) is keeping men away. I think.

Anyone advice on my situation?
02/03/2011
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Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
I can so totally relate to this. I actually had one person tell me they felt I "lied" to them about my size, though I never claimed I was something I wasn't. Is it my fault that you think everyone needs to be a tall, size two model?

I haven't have tremendous luck either so... I guess keep trying? I've had so little luck online (either I get nothing or just get a bunch of super creepy weird old guys) that I'm trying to talk myself into getting out more in town to find people. The problem is that I generally do NOT like the kind of guy I'll find in this town. They tend to be less educated and way more conservative than my taste.
02/03/2011
Contributor: Rockin' Rockin'
I recently read an article from OkCupid's blog that might be of use: link

It's long so I'll kinda summarize the point of it and how it might relate to your situation. The data from their site showed that women got more messages when their ratings were more polarized. So, a woman who got more "Hot" votes and more "Not hot" votes would get more messages (i.e. attention) than the women who got more "cute" or middle of the road, but still attractive, votes.

The advice they gleaned from the findings is that people who have characteristics that are enjoyed/desired, but not enjoyed/desired universally, should actively flaunt such characteristics in their profiles. They used the examples of women with tattoos and/or piercings, who seem to want to feature their tattoos/piercings in their pictures.

So, that's my take on your situation. Be upfront about who you are and be confident on your profile, and people who like you will come visit.
02/03/2011
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Rockin'
I recently read an article from OkCupid's blog that might be of use: link

It's long so I'll kinda summarize the point of it and how it might relate to your situation. The data from their site showed that women got more messages ... more
Yes!!! You should totally be like, "I'm more woman that most of you can handle but I'll let you message me because I'm benevolent like that."
02/03/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Erm. I'll have to think about this.

Perhaps my corset pic from the coupon thread? No denying what I am in that one.
02/03/2011
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Erm. I'll have to think about this.

Perhaps my corset pic from the coupon thread? No denying what I am in that one.
You do look pretty amazing in it!
02/03/2011
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
Ok this is going to sound like out-dated advice from an old broad, but do you really *really* want to attract the sort of man who puts so much weight on how a woman looks anyway? Maybe you'd be better off on a site that actually encourages people to find like-minded personalities instead of just trying to sell their looks? That's assuming you're looking for someone to have a relationship with, but if you're just looking to have some fun then I'd say definitely go for the corset. Not too many men can resist those!
02/04/2011
Contributor: Rockin' Rockin'
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Jen
Yes!!! You should totally be like, "I'm more woman that most of you can handle but I'll let you message me because I'm benevolent like that."
I LOVE THIS IDEA.
02/04/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Okay, so I'm putting the Brit site on the backburner for a while and registered with OKCupid - same pics, bitchin' profile bio, etc. Getting a bit more attention there, and these guys live in my county (I didn't realize how many geek guys lived around here - awesome). Amazing the number of musicians, though.

Now I'm just plain nervous about the attention; I never had attention like this in my whole life. :-/ It's a bit overwhelming for me, as I want to keep my wits about me and not investing time into someone creepy (like my ex-husband).
02/04/2011
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
I don't have any advice bcs I have never tried this...

but I do want to tell you how awesome you are for putting yourself out there! I'm happy for you *HUGS*
02/04/2011
Contributor: Rockin' Rockin'
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Okay, so I'm putting the Brit site on the backburner for a while and registered with OKCupid - same pics, bitchin' profile bio, etc. Getting a bit more attention there, and these guys live in my county (I didn't realize how many geek guys ... more
(Depending on what you're looking for on there...) Don't be afraid to keep people at a distance for a while. The girl I dated for a while didn't even mention meeting in person until we'd been emailing for a month or so pretty regularly. If someone wants to meet really soon, that might not be a good sign. Learn about each other. It shouldn't be about "testing" their patience. People who are interested will be happy to talk to you and not be pushy about meeting or going too fast. And if they are pushy? Block them. Easy peasy
02/04/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Rockin'
(Depending on what you're looking for on there...) Don't be afraid to keep people at a distance for a while. The girl I dated for a while didn't even mention meeting in person until we'd been emailing for a month or so pretty ... more
Thanks, Kris. You've been wonderfully helpful on this.
02/04/2011
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Alan & Michele
Ok this is going to sound like out-dated advice from an old broad, but do you really *really* want to attract the sort of man who puts so much weight on how a woman looks anyway? Maybe you'd be better off on a site that actually encourages people ... more
I definitely agree that the weight of the profile needs to be on personality. But I've been on OkCupid for a while now actually (as well as other sites) and if I fail to describe my physical appearance or put up a full body picture, men tend to assume I'm something I'm not, both "good" and "bad" guys. I want people to see my face, my body type, and read my personality and like all three before messaging.

I have a few head shots up but no full body pictures (I have none recent enough to use and I refuse to do a "myspace" type pic where I'm holding the camera in the bathroom mirror) but I do describe my body honestly so that I no longer get falsely accused of lying about my physicality from people I meet.

So I think putting up her picture won't hurt her odds any. She'd get just as many weirdos messaging her if she didn't put up one, cause I can vouch for it. But at least any of the decent guys who do message her will like not only her profile but her body as well. Besides, confidence building is good not just for dating but for personal happiness!

And before this becomes any more a wall of text than it already is... Follow your instincts with people. In some cases I meet people right away when it feels safe (public place, daylight, no getting in each other's cars, etc.) and sometimes I wait. I hate the connections I make staying purely on the internet cause I ain't looking for penpals. I want physical friends, physical relationships, etc. But I also wouldn't want to jump into meeting people that aren't worth the time, effort, and energy. Instincts, m'lady!
02/04/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
I am in a fog this morning because I stayed up into the wee hours chatting with one of the fellas I met at OKC. He's local, not British, but he adores curvy geeky redheads in glasses (someone who really did like my profile pic and wanted to learn more - wow).

What startled me the most about comparing our profiles and those answered 'Match Questions' is that he's my sexual ideal. Not only brains, strong ethics, and all that jazz, but he's also a dom.

I'm not going to immediately meet, but maybe within the next couple of weeks after some more talking. It hasn't been brought up yet, but I do agree with others about meeting publicly during the day for lunch or coffee or the like.

I'm excited and nervous, but willing to find out where it goes.
02/05/2011
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I am in a fog this morning because I stayed up into the wee hours chatting with one of the fellas I met at OKC. He's local, not British, but he adores curvy geeky redheads in glasses (someone who really did like my profile pic and wanted to learn ... more
AWESOME!

Those really cool match questions (and the fact that there's thousands of them) are one of the reasons I really love OkC!
02/05/2011
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I am in a fog this morning because I stayed up into the wee hours chatting with one of the fellas I met at OKC. He's local, not British, but he adores curvy geeky redheads in glasses (someone who really did like my profile pic and wanted to learn ... more
I feel bad jumping in so late here, but that's AWESOME! I am soooo happy for you right now
02/05/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Well, the one I mentioned didn't work out, but ... I'm meeting another guy for a date this Sunday!

OMG!!!!

We're going to have lunch and see if we're compatible in person.

EXCITED!!!!
02/08/2011
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Well, the one I mentioned didn't work out, but ... I'm meeting another guy for a date this Sunday!

OMG!!!!

We're going to have lunch and see if we're compatible in person.

EXCITED!!!!
Go you!!! Feels pretty damn good to be meeting new people, doesn't it?
02/08/2011
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
How did it go?
02/14/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
How did it go?
Wonderfully ... the match up did work for us, as we had lots to talk about both 'in common' and 'tell me more'.

The weirdest part was not only being mentally and intellectually matched, but physically as well. I never connected with anyone that comfortably before. It just seemed so natural to kiss each other and touch and all that.

So, yeah, we're 'on'. And we're going to continue seeing each other.
02/14/2011
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Wonderfully ... the match up did work for us, as we had lots to talk about both 'in common' and 'tell me more'.

The weirdest part was not only being mentally and intellectually matched, but physically as well. I never connected ... more
Congratulations!!!
02/14/2011
Contributor: liilii080 liilii080
Double congrats! Keep it up and remember- you have a lot to give and are worth it. If someone can't see that, it's their problem and they aren't worth your time anyway.
02/14/2011
Contributor: Rockin' Rockin'
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Wonderfully ... the match up did work for us, as we had lots to talk about both 'in common' and 'tell me more'.

The weirdest part was not only being mentally and intellectually matched, but physically as well. I never connected ... more
That's awesome! I'm glad you found someone around whom you feel comfortable and that you feel is a good match. And I second what liilii080 said, too.

Keep having a good time!
02/14/2011