We got a letter from a reader recently saying that she's recently started dating a wonderful man, and everything is delightful except for what she calls "the giant black-leather-studded elephant in the room." In other words, he's into humiliation, manipulation, extreme bondage, and violent spankings -- and she's, well, not. She wanted to know whether the relationship was doomed. So... what do you think? Can a kink-vanilla coupling ever work, or will that much compromise always tear you apart in the end? (Click here to read the complete letter from the reader with a bit more background information about their relationship.)
He's Kinky, She's Vanilla: Is the Relationship Doomed? - from Em and Lo
06/09/2010
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
Why is she asking the question - when most women are faced with humiliation and violent spankings would get away as quickly as possible. Seems she must be curious - but curiosity is not acceptance. I'd hope the relationship is doomed - if not she should tread very carefully.
06/09/2010
You got to start somewhere!
06/09/2010
Doomed.
06/10/2010
The whole letter (thru the link) gives me the impression that the woman sees the BDSM interest as a huge problem and not as something she's "curious" about. I think the only way their relationship could work is if they actually talk about this black leather elephant in the room, and then probably arrange for some kind of open relationship. He could have his BDSM fun with another/other partner(s) and then she could stop worrying if he's going to freak her out (that cannot be a fun way to have sex, ooof).
06/10/2010
Gotta find common ground. Compromise on both parts.
That's IF they love each other.
That's IF they love each other.
06/10/2010
Anything is possible. Even people who seem similar can be very different. Some relationships work well even when defying logic.
06/10/2010
Doomed. Totally doomed.
06/10/2010
In trying to be open-minded and positive about it, I won't say "doomed," even though that's my instinct. But I do think it all depends on how willing the two are to communicate, try new things and be open about sexual adventures.
Having been in the opposite situation (I was the kinky one with the high libido, he was vanilla and less sexually focused), I can say that we worked really hard on it (he was very open and willing to try things) but in the end, it still wasn't enough. Just too different in our interests to make it work over the long haul.
Having been in the opposite situation (I was the kinky one with the high libido, he was vanilla and less sexually focused), I can say that we worked really hard on it (he was very open and willing to try things) but in the end, it still wasn't enough. Just too different in our interests to make it work over the long haul.
06/11/2010
Doomed.
Then again Im jaded.
Then again Im jaded.
06/11/2010
Doomed, but not because "He's kinky and she's vanilla".
She doesn't sound like she respects, understands, or accepts his kinks. And that's the real issue, and its nothing to do with sexuality. It's about respect.
She doesn't sound like she respects, understands, or accepts his kinks. And that's the real issue, and its nothing to do with sexuality. It's about respect.
06/11/2010
Quote:
I agree. Acceptance is a key factor in making a relationship work if you both have differing opinions. While it makes it easier if both partners are kinky, having a non-kinky partner is fine too.
Originally posted by
Red
Doomed, but not because "He's kinky and she's vanilla".
She doesn't sound like she respects, understands, or accepts his kinks. And that's the real issue, and its nothing to do with sexuality. It's about respect.
She doesn't sound like she respects, understands, or accepts his kinks. And that's the real issue, and its nothing to do with sexuality. It's about respect.
Love is unconditional, or it should be at least. If you can respect your partner's quirks that you don't necessarily agree with, then you're destined to have a healthier relationship. Otherwise? No.
06/11/2010
Quote:
Good answer, I like this one.
Originally posted by
Red
Doomed, but not because "He's kinky and she's vanilla".
She doesn't sound like she respects, understands, or accepts his kinks. And that's the real issue, and its nothing to do with sexuality. It's about respect.
She doesn't sound like she respects, understands, or accepts his kinks. And that's the real issue, and its nothing to do with sexuality. It's about respect.
06/11/2010
Quote:
To me it didn't seem like she didn't respect and understand his kinks. It sounded like she completely understood what he was into, but she also knows that it's not what works for her. The relationship likely won't succeed but I think it's more because they want two completely different things sexually and there isn't a whole lot of room for compromise. Someone who flat out doesn't like/isn't interested in BDSM and D/s type relationships won't enjoy that type of sexual relationship and someone who prefers them will eventually get bored with not doing those things.
Originally posted by
Red
Doomed, but not because "He's kinky and she's vanilla".
She doesn't sound like she respects, understands, or accepts his kinks. And that's the real issue, and its nothing to do with sexuality. It's about respect.
She doesn't sound like she respects, understands, or accepts his kinks. And that's the real issue, and its nothing to do with sexuality. It's about respect.
06/11/2010
Yes, Doomed! Or should be!
I'm tired of being the teacher. Partners who are timid, inexperienced or in the least bit hesitant have no place with me anymore.
Life is too short to waste with the unwilling, for whatever reason.
I'm tired of being the teacher. Partners who are timid, inexperienced or in the least bit hesitant have no place with me anymore.
Life is too short to waste with the unwilling, for whatever reason.
01/17/2011
Communication seems really necessary. He needs to know exactly what she thinks and the terror it fills her with. If she or he are thinking the other will change they need to seriously communicate. It wouldn't be fair to either of them to leave it hanging when it obviously weighs heavily on their relationship. Maybe they can work around it comfortably maybe not - going into it knowing where they each stand is important.
01/17/2011
I was definitely on the kinky side when I got married, and she was a full-blown prude. However, over the years, she has gotten to a point where she is just about as kinky as me. And this wasn't me imposing my will on her. In fact, I'd say about half of the new additions to our kinky repertoire come from her.
So, yeah, it is possible that a relationship as described above could work, but it's taking a significant leap of faith that she would explore her kinky side in time.
So, yeah, it is possible that a relationship as described above could work, but it's taking a significant leap of faith that she would explore her kinky side in time.
01/17/2011
Quote:
it should work if they both try hard enough
Originally posted by
Em & Lo
We got a letter from a reader recently saying that she's recently started dating a wonderful man, and everything is delightful except for what she calls "the giant black-leather-studded elephant in the room." In other words, he's
...
more
We got a letter from a reader recently saying that she's recently started dating a wonderful man, and everything is delightful except for what she calls "the giant black-leather-studded elephant in the room." In other words, he's into humiliation, manipulation, extreme bondage, and violent spankings -- and she's, well, not. She wanted to know whether the relationship was doomed. So... what do you think? Can a kink-vanilla coupling ever work, or will that much compromise always tear you apart in the end? (Click here to read the complete letter from the reader with a bit more background information about their relationship.)
less
01/18/2011
Total posts: 18
Unique posters: 17