Modern Day Courtship

Modern Day Courtship

KnK KnK
Clearly a lot has changed in the past 50 years and even within the last 10-20. How would you say modern day "courtship" has changed overall? I'm interested in perspective from all age groups.
01/20/2011
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Chilipepper Chilipepper
As a divorced woman in her early thirties, I'm dating for the absolute first time (I met my ex-husband online; didn't date before that). As a shy person, I am intimidated by all the rules and games I've been reading about online, which most all seem contradictory in nature. I feel that 'modern dating advice' doesn't apply to me - they apply to good-looking social people with tough skins.

I'm finding myself considering using an actual dating site to find somebody. I can see only two problems with this though: choosing by appearances (in which case I won't be contacted) and lying about one's self online (which my ex did during our courtship).

What puzzles me are the 'games'. "Text after such-and-such time after the date.", "Don't appear too interested, you'll look desperate.", "Don't say anything deep or philosophical, it'll scare him off." Why play games? Is there a point to acting like a 13-year-old when you're 33? And the 'be real' one - when I'm being Real, it scares the hell out of people who aren't creative or intellectual.

No wonder I never dated. Such a pain in the ass when you have to be 'normal'.
01/20/2011
PussyGalore PussyGalore
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
As a divorced woman in her early thirties, I'm dating for the absolute first time (I met my ex-husband online; didn't date before that). As a shy person, I am intimidated by all the rules and games I've been reading about online, which ...
The games have existed since the beginning. It's the method of delivery that has changed.


From what I have seen in my generation, there aren't very many gentlemen left. Every one wants a friends with benefit and no one seems mature enough to actually get into a relationship. Of course, on the flip side, there aren't very many ladies left either. It just seems all take and no give. This is my experience and YMMV.

I am very biased because the man of my dreams is sixteen years older than me and has been a huge influence in my life since I was a teenager. He opens car doors, loves being a provider and loves to treat me like a princess even if I don't deserve it all the time.
01/20/2011
liilii080 liilii080
Texting. Ugh. No one wants to make a phone call any more and it's so easy to misread or misinterpret things in text. And same for Facebook. I think it's great that there is more cheap technology that helps us stay in touch, but I'd prefer the old fashioned phone calls and dates to texting and FB courting.
01/20/2011
deletedacct deletedacct
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
As a divorced woman in her early thirties, I'm dating for the absolute first time (I met my ex-husband online; didn't date before that). As a shy person, I am intimidated by all the rules and games I've been reading about online, which ...
I totally agree about these rules. I'm newly single and i'm terrified about the future prospects of dating again. 'don't do this, or that.' sheesh!!
01/20/2011
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by deletedacct
I totally agree about these rules. I'm newly single and i'm terrified about the future prospects of dating again. 'don't do this, or that.' sheesh!!
That's why I'm thinking they don't apply to me - those rules are for 'normal' people who want to 'date'. I'm more concerned with having a long-term intimate bond with an emotionally healthy person, so games just don't enter into my criteria.

Leave games for the children; I prefer adult company.
01/20/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by PussyGalore
The games have existed since the beginning. It's the method of delivery that has changed.


From what I have seen in my generation, there aren't very many gentlemen left. Every one wants a friends with benefit and no one seems mature ...
I agree with you completely. What I see is that most of my younger and/or single friends (I use the word loosely) have this, what I would consider "entitlement mentality" (never want to work too hard for any one thing and want it all right now!). I see it everywhere though really, not only in regards to relationships; but especially in my son's friends/middle-school and high school aged kids. I don't know if it is a societal shift or what.

Thank God my husband and my very few and select friends do not agree with this mindset. I love old-fashioned courting. I think it is sexy and the build-up is a major turn on for some awesome sex when it finally does happen.
01/20/2011
PussyGalore PussyGalore
Quote:
Originally posted by Redboxbaby
I agree with you completely. What I see is that most of my younger and/or single friends (I use the word loosely) have this, what I would consider "entitlement mentality" (never want to work too hard for any one thing and want it all right ...
Thank the Gods, I thought I was the only one seeing it. What I've read from girls younger than I in other forums is: "Well, if he has an annoying habit, surely I can find someone much more suitable with a blink of an eye".

It irritates me to no end because no one is perfect and things change over time. People aren't really taught how to be in relationships and I think that's something that needs to change. There isn't as much respect for boundaries and everyone is, seemingly, expected to be open or kinky or whatever about sex and life in general and if you aren't, they are quick to toss you aside. Even if you are incredibly open, it doesn't ever seem to be enough.
01/20/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by PussyGalore
Thank the Gods, I thought I was the only one seeing it. What I've read from girls younger than I in other forums is: "Well, if he has an annoying habit, surely I can find someone much more suitable with a blink of an eye".

It ...
"People aren't really taught how to be in relationships and I think that's something that needs to change."

I think you learn how to be in relationships via watching it as a child: good, bad or indifferent. Since so many more couples have opted for divorce over the past 40 yrs I wonder if we are finally beginning to see the effects of it. (Not saying that is solely the reason-just an observation.)

I watched my parents be completely miserable for 23 years. I remember being 4 years old and wishing secretly that my parents would divorce because I could see how "sick" the relationship was at a very young age. When I began dating, I chose very poorly. The men I chose were very much like my father (verbally abusive, emotionally detached, etc) and the relationship always ended badly. I was left wondering what the hell was wrong with me and knowing I deserved better. I finally got a clue and opted to seek out the exact opposite and finding my husband instead!
01/20/2011
PussyGalore PussyGalore
Quote:
Originally posted by Redboxbaby
"People aren't really taught how to be in relationships and I think that's something that needs to change."

I think you learn how to be in relationships via watching it as a child: good, bad or indifferent. Since so many more ...
Oh absolutely. My parents' marriages were horrifically toxic and I made bad choices as well. But, in and of itself I feel I have a lot of relationship IQ because of how bad things went with them. Collectively, they've been married and divorced 11 times. Yes, 11.

I, personally, think marriages fail because people don't get to know each other well enough before taking that leap or somehow convincing themselves it will change after the vows are exchanged. And yeah, it does change, often times for the worse.

We need to teach children respect for themselves and other people but every where you go the exact opposite message is being thrown down their throats. It's all very very confusing.

Reading some of the posts on EF has really opened my eyes to just how damn lucky I am that I decided to fight it out and go to the mats for my relationship instead of turning tail and running. There's no telling who I would have ended up with if I hadn't.
01/20/2011
Illusional Illusional
My boyfriend is pretty reasonable and gentleman like.
01/20/2011
Illusional Illusional
My mother has this whole "While you're pretty, marry and have a baby" mentality.

Even though she didn't stick with my father and left before I was born, she always pushes me to push my boyfriend into marriage so I'm not alone.
I think she's scared for me, but I want to make sure he and I know each other in and out before doing that sort of thing.
01/20/2011
Illusional Illusional
She's also into the "Get expensive gifts, the more money he spends the more he loves you"
Which isn't for me.
Some of my favorite gifts weren't costly but they were given from the heart.
01/20/2011
Chilipepper Chilipepper
I just got done reading an article about current dating habits.

What was depressing was the commentary by the readers ... most of them ranged from "women want money and nothin else" to "legalize prostitution". The least common denominator, the base instincts, are more important than long term and the future.

I'm going back into my hidey-hole and won't come out ever again. Emotionally healthy adult men don't exist. I'll have to get used to being alone.
01/20/2011
PussyGalore PussyGalore
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I just got done reading an article about current dating habits.

What was depressing was the commentary by the readers ... most of them ranged from "women want money and nothin else" to "legalize prostitution". The least ...
Emotionally healthy people don't exist. I definitely think the high divorce rates have pushed people into not wanting to get married but I also think the lack of communication and tendency to romanticize relationships and love is what is really the cause.

There are too many people out there that are still saying "OH THAT'S SO GROSS YOU'RE SICK AND WRONG GET AWAY FROM ME" and it is an ever present damper on relationships and fulfillment. Then there is the confliction between "love doesn't complete me" and "to be fulfilled you should have someone to share it with" paradox that keeps people wholly confused.

No one is ever going to fit into a perfect checklist but if an aspect of someone's personality can be brought to their attention in a loving manner, there is a pretty good chance there will be success in correcting the behavior. It's the shaming and admonishment that keeps people from being open and accepting of a behavior that needs to be changed. Instead, we bottle it up and feel guilty about it making a potentially "healthy" situation "toxic".
01/20/2011
PussyGalore PussyGalore
Quote:
Originally posted by Illusional
She's also into the "Get expensive gifts, the more money he spends the more he loves you"
Which isn't for me.
Some of my favorite gifts weren't costly but they were given from the heart.
I'm really sorry you're mother has projected her fears onto your relationships. Be strong, do it your way. It's you who has to wake up in that place every day, not her.
01/20/2011
Redboxbaby Redboxbaby
Quote:
Originally posted by Illusional
My mother has this whole "While you're pretty, marry and have a baby" mentality.

Even though she didn't stick with my father and left before I was born, she always pushes me to push my boyfriend into marriage so I'm not ...
That is awful that your mother does this to you. I actually have a close friends whose mother treats her similarly. It is great that you are able recognize what she is doing and why she does it, just make sure you are fully able to let it all roll off your back (in one ear and out the other, so to speak). My friend struggles daily with this. You seem like you have your head on pretty straight, don't let her suck you into her mentality.
01/20/2011
KnK KnK
I've given up on dating way too many times to count and go on binges on singlehood and dating.

As a woman still in undergrad, it feels like the only thing guys want these days is sex, and they don't even really try and conceal it or work up to it anymore. It's like, "hey I'm having a nice conversation with you. What? No I don't want to go to the back room with you. Bye."

Seriously, in about a year, I think I can count two gentlemen that I've encountered. One that was incredibly sweet that I had nothing in common with, and the second one that I've gone head over heels for, unfortunately he is moving out of state, and going to Berkeley. Which in all honestly is really fucking good for him.

Wanna know what they both had in common? They were both foreigners, both from the continent of Africa. I think I might give up on American men. Also, I have extra curves and I've found myself to be more attractive to an international audience. I think I might just stick with my niche.
01/21/2011
Hallmar82 Hallmar82
Quote:
Originally posted by KnK
Clearly a lot has changed in the past 50 years and even within the last 10-20. How would you say modern day "courtship" has changed overall? I'm interested in perspective from all age groups.
The first rule is: there are no rules...
01/21/2011
Orion Orion
I met my wife in a MMO game. We started off as friends and talked a lot. Started talking a lot more personal for over a year and kind of fell in love hard for each other was kind of unreal. Neither of us considered online dating or ldr a really viable thing until we realized we already were in one >.< I live in the US and she is from Australia so we were literally on the other side of the planet from each other lol. Thing is i couldn't even say what happened it just did was just natural after awhile. Flew her to the US for 3 months after we did the LDR for a year and a half and got married and now going through the visa process. Pretty rough relationship though i will say this atm i haven't seen her for 7 months other than cam, msn, and ventrilo server i run so we have loads of ways to keep in touch. She is coming home tomorrow though for another 3 months which im super excited about. The thing i loved about it was i had to fall for her and nothing else not just getting sex etc there was none of that there to complicate it we like had to do old school courting we used to talk for 15 hrs some nights and there just came a point we knew we had to have one another. My wife isn't greedy im not looking for friends with benefits there's still some good out there just sux to find it. Really was by accident for us tbh.
01/21/2011
Total posts: 20
Unique posters: 9