My friend just had his girlfriend give him an ultimatum: stop watching porn, or we are through. He doesn't watch it very often, and argues that watching pornography is not hurting their relationship in any way. Would you give up pornography for your partner?
Would you stop watching porn for your partner?
02/03/2012
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No and in my relationship, I wouldn't be asked to do so unless it was affecting every area of my life.
In his situation, I would discuss her fears, insecurities and objections and attempt a rational argument, but she kind of blew that out of the water by delivering an ultimatum.
In his situation, I would discuss her fears, insecurities and objections and attempt a rational argument, but she kind of blew that out of the water by delivering an ultimatum.
02/03/2012
No because my spouse would never ask that of me. I nor he would ever ask that of each other. I agree with Stormy. This is the same with drinking. My hubby doesn't drink and doesn't want to be around people who do. When we got together we agreed if I wanted to drink I wouldn't do it around him. Its about respect and he should find out what the whole problem is before making any decisions.
02/03/2012
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Your friend should thank her for showing her true colors now rather than after marriage or kids. Tell him unless he really wants to be her sub in a dom/sub relationship. Not that there's anything wrong with dom/sub but there's a lot wrong with her, she's a manipulative mean spirited... uh person.
Originally posted by
<3BF
My friend just had his girlfriend give him an ultimatum: stop watching porn, or we are through. He doesn't watch it very often, and argues that watching pornography is not hurting their relationship in any way. Would you give up pornography for
...
more
My friend just had his girlfriend give him an ultimatum: stop watching porn, or we are through. He doesn't watch it very often, and argues that watching pornography is not hurting their relationship in any way. Would you give up pornography for your partner?
less
He should DUMP HER immediately.
02/03/2012
It's never been an issue, and probably never will be, so we voted "other".
02/03/2012
I don't watch porn really, so I really wouldn't care. If I watch it it's usually with him and we only do like 3 times a year.
02/03/2012
No. I would not.
02/03/2012
No, and I wouldn't make a partner give it up for me, unless it was becoming a real problem - like it was consuming their thoughts/time and hurting our sex life. Even if we are in a committed relationship, even if our sex life is amazing, it's still normal to masturbate and watch porn, so being forced to give it up seems kind of irrational.
02/03/2012
yes.im not sure why i would tho.
02/03/2012
I answered yes, because in fact I would, although my explanation is a bit complicated so I'd rather not get into it suffice to say if it was that much of a problem and the relationship was worth it then I would. That being said I think this is something that they really need to discuss, they'll need to understand where one another stands on this issue, why she feels it's a problem and feels it needs to end and he'll need to be sensitive to her feelings about it. Really a much more complicated issue than just "should he or shouldn't he".
02/03/2012
My wife is very insecure about me looking at other women. I never really watched porn, but I did listen and read erotica a lot. I gave it up with great difficulty, but I love her more and want her to feel as sexy and confident as she wants to.
02/03/2012
I agree with Mistress Mandy. I would, no problem. I do not think, however, this is the kind of thing that an argument and ultimatum can help solve in a healthy way. Rather, if my partner had a real issue with it, and we talked about it, I would consider the relationship a higher priority than the porn - because I don't need porn.
That doesn't sound like the case with the couple mentioned, because I honestly feel ultimatums are a crutch in a relationship in most cases. (Obviously not in the case of any kind of abuse, etc.) In most cases, I find ultimatums to basically be a form of manipulation, emotional blackmail and coercion. You might be able to force the person to "do what you want"... but if they do it begrudgingly bad things will follow even though you got your way.
So I agree with Mistress Mandy on all counts. It's really a much more complicated issue than should he or shouldn't he.
That doesn't sound like the case with the couple mentioned, because I honestly feel ultimatums are a crutch in a relationship in most cases. (Obviously not in the case of any kind of abuse, etc.) In most cases, I find ultimatums to basically be a form of manipulation, emotional blackmail and coercion. You might be able to force the person to "do what you want"... but if they do it begrudgingly bad things will follow even though you got your way.
So I agree with Mistress Mandy on all counts. It's really a much more complicated issue than should he or shouldn't he.
02/03/2012
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Nope. If she wants to put her foot down then she can put the next down in front of the first as she walks her ass out. She needs to stop being insecure and prudish and stop trying to change him. I watch porn (I'm a married female) and so does my husband - both separately and together. With rare exceptions the porn isn't the real issue. It's selfish, uncontrolled arrogant "I demand you to change for me!"crap or an overactive hyper-insecurity complex that will later get him accused of shooting JFK, hiding aliens and sleeping with the babysitter. Don't give in just tell her it's her choice to leave or stay but accept me for who I am and what I enjoy doing because I'm not going to change or pretend to be someone I'm not to satisfy you. Then pick a girl who likes porn for her replacement.
Originally posted by
<3BF
My friend just had his girlfriend give him an ultimatum: stop watching porn, or we are through. He doesn't watch it very often, and argues that watching pornography is not hurting their relationship in any way. Would you give up pornography for
...
more
My friend just had his girlfriend give him an ultimatum: stop watching porn, or we are through. He doesn't watch it very often, and argues that watching pornography is not hurting their relationship in any way. Would you give up pornography for your partner?
less
02/04/2012
Of course I would give it up. I love my husband! I need him not porn. He would do the same for me. I might try and compromise first though.
02/04/2012
"It depends".
It depends on why they're bothered. It's better to talk about things, rather then just get mad and think the other person is a jerk or stupid.
There are many valid reasons to not be okay with porn or to just not like it. It doesn't make her a dumb insecure bitch. And if she IS insecure, is that really a crime or all that unusual ? If you actually care about something, that's something you work with and through - not laugh at and write off and undermine.
Shit happens, people have different live experiences. I think saying "No, I would NEVER give it up" is just as juvenile as saying, "all sexual imagery is bad, bad, bad".
Talk about it. There are many outcomes that could please both parties.
It depends on why they're bothered. It's better to talk about things, rather then just get mad and think the other person is a jerk or stupid.
There are many valid reasons to not be okay with porn or to just not like it. It doesn't make her a dumb insecure bitch. And if she IS insecure, is that really a crime or all that unusual ? If you actually care about something, that's something you work with and through - not laugh at and write off and undermine.
Shit happens, people have different live experiences. I think saying "No, I would NEVER give it up" is just as juvenile as saying, "all sexual imagery is bad, bad, bad".
Talk about it. There are many outcomes that could please both parties.
02/04/2012
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I'm staying with nope and here are my reasons why. When she is establshing a my way or the highway position with me by way of threatening me with I'm leaving unleas you do exactly what I want or give me my way you are empowering that person to potentially use that tactic to control or manipulate you later in other ways. I don't like you talking to person xyz and I'm leaving if you don't stop talking to them now. I don't like you wearing (insert doing, going, looking, etc.as appropriate for the next demand of you conformity). Children, often those who are/were only children, learn and use this tactic well ( I was one until I learned that the world isn't always going to go my way) I am totally fine with it being juvinal for me to take just a firm of a stance in telling them no I'm not changing or giving in just because your demanding me too. When she elevated her threat to do this or I'm leaving she should have considered the possibility of him calling her on her threat or bluff and having to walk or admit she was just talking shit. I do well because I don't seek other peoples approval or really care if they like my decisions. I really have no problem pissing people off and if they don't like me I really could care less. But at least they know where I stand and can either stay or go because of it. Now if she wants to take the approach of saying you watching porn really bothers me because xyz but I understand you enjoy it. Could you and I maybe watch other stuff when we are together or maybe look for some we both like? Then yes I would be a lot more receptive to cooperation though I will still not give it up completely. I will also continue to operate by I'm doing this - you can also or not that's up to you but I still doing it anyway.
Originally posted by
Chirple
"It depends".
It depends on why they're bothered. It's better to talk about things, rather then just get mad and think the other person is a jerk or stupid.
There are many valid reasons to not be okay with porn or to ... more
It depends on why they're bothered. It's better to talk about things, rather then just get mad and think the other person is a jerk or stupid.
There are many valid reasons to not be okay with porn or to ... more
"It depends".
It depends on why they're bothered. It's better to talk about things, rather then just get mad and think the other person is a jerk or stupid.
There are many valid reasons to not be okay with porn or to just not like it. It doesn't make her a dumb insecure bitch. And if she IS insecure, is that really a crime or all that unusual ? If you actually care about something, that's something you work with and through - not laugh at and write off and undermine.
Shit happens, people have different live experiences. I think saying "No, I would NEVER give it up" is just as juvenile as saying, "all sexual imagery is bad, bad, bad".
Talk about it. There are many outcomes that could please both parties. less
It depends on why they're bothered. It's better to talk about things, rather then just get mad and think the other person is a jerk or stupid.
There are many valid reasons to not be okay with porn or to just not like it. It doesn't make her a dumb insecure bitch. And if she IS insecure, is that really a crime or all that unusual ? If you actually care about something, that's something you work with and through - not laugh at and write off and undermine.
Shit happens, people have different live experiences. I think saying "No, I would NEVER give it up" is just as juvenile as saying, "all sexual imagery is bad, bad, bad".
Talk about it. There are many outcomes that could please both parties. less
02/04/2012
I don't think ultimatums are the answer, but I wouldn't dumb people down to ONE thing they said or did.
If a person is childish at one time... so what ? No one is perfect. People do stupid things all the time - no one is always a perfect model adult.
And if porn is that important to someone, sure - end a relationship over it. That's your own choice on either side and nothing wrong with that if it's a dealbreaker. It's not wrong if you absolutely can't take it and not a problem if it's so important you can't possibly give it up. BOTH people have the capacity to find someone else that's a better fit for them.
If a person is childish at one time... so what ? No one is perfect. People do stupid things all the time - no one is always a perfect model adult.
And if porn is that important to someone, sure - end a relationship over it. That's your own choice on either side and nothing wrong with that if it's a dealbreaker. It's not wrong if you absolutely can't take it and not a problem if it's so important you can't possibly give it up. BOTH people have the capacity to find someone else that's a better fit for them.
02/04/2012
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Amen to that! Mr or Mrs next is always right around the corner. Some folks are not and will not be compatible and it's a lot easier to fix now then later by either course of action. My husband has heard "No" multiple times in our 16 years - he has figured out that he will do much better if he comes with some options or solutions along with his issues then just trying the do it or else tactic.
Originally posted by
Chirple
I don't think ultimatums are the answer, but I wouldn't dumb people down to ONE thing they said or did.
If a person is childish at one time... so what ? No one is perfect. People do stupid things all the time - no one is always a ... more
If a person is childish at one time... so what ? No one is perfect. People do stupid things all the time - no one is always a ... more
I don't think ultimatums are the answer, but I wouldn't dumb people down to ONE thing they said or did.
If a person is childish at one time... so what ? No one is perfect. People do stupid things all the time - no one is always a perfect model adult.
And if porn is that important to someone, sure - end a relationship over it. That's your own choice on either side and nothing wrong with that if it's a dealbreaker. It's not wrong if you absolutely can't take it and not a problem if it's so important you can't possibly give it up. BOTH people have the capacity to find someone else that's a better fit for them. less
If a person is childish at one time... so what ? No one is perfect. People do stupid things all the time - no one is always a perfect model adult.
And if porn is that important to someone, sure - end a relationship over it. That's your own choice on either side and nothing wrong with that if it's a dealbreaker. It's not wrong if you absolutely can't take it and not a problem if it's so important you can't possibly give it up. BOTH people have the capacity to find someone else that's a better fit for them. less
02/04/2012
No, nor would I ask him to stop watching. It is healthy and can add to your sex life.
02/04/2012
Porn is not an issue for us. He actually introduced me to it. We watch it an enjoy it together. I know, so romantic.
02/04/2012
Porn gets boring sometimes anyways
02/04/2012
my husband watches porn, sometimes it bothers me
02/04/2012
I don't believe I would give it up completely for someonem but would be willing to see if there was a compromise that might be made such as only watching it with my partner, avoiding a certain type of porn, or maybe reading erotica rather than watching porn. If they said no to all of my attempts to compromise, I wouldn't be okay with it.
02/04/2012
I very rarely watch porn, and it doesn't do a whole lot for me anyways. I'd be fine going the rest of my life without watching porn again. But I would see it as a sign of jelousy if my boyfriend asked me to do that, so then we'd have to deal with that.
02/04/2012
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No I would not, though if my partner(s) could provide compelling evidence that it was effecting our relationship(s) negatively I might agree to cut back.
Originally posted by
<3BF
My friend just had his girlfriend give him an ultimatum: stop watching porn, or we are through. He doesn't watch it very often, and argues that watching pornography is not hurting their relationship in any way. Would you give up pornography for
...
more
My friend just had his girlfriend give him an ultimatum: stop watching porn, or we are through. He doesn't watch it very often, and argues that watching pornography is not hurting their relationship in any way. Would you give up pornography for your partner?
less
02/04/2012
It's not so much that I'd be unwilling to make compromises in a relationship, as I wouldn't want to be with anyone who considered porn something that wasn't a fun part of both of our sexual experience. My boyfriend and I both watch porn, we share things we like with each other, we get ideas for fun things to try, etc.
However, I know there are people who become so addicted to it that it actually hinders their sexual experiences. Obviously, if it gets in the way of their life or their happiness, that's an issue.
However, I know there are people who become so addicted to it that it actually hinders their sexual experiences. Obviously, if it gets in the way of their life or their happiness, that's an issue.
02/04/2012
I wouldn't, but I'd want to have a discussion about why he wanted me to.
02/04/2012
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Well put CreamySweet.
Originally posted by
CreamySweet
Nope. If she wants to put her foot down then she can put the next down in front of the first as she walks her ass out. She needs to stop being insecure and prudish and stop trying to change him. I watch porn (I'm a married female) and so does my
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more
Nope. If she wants to put her foot down then she can put the next down in front of the first as she walks her ass out. She needs to stop being insecure and prudish and stop trying to change him. I watch porn (I'm a married female) and so does my husband - both separately and together. With rare exceptions the porn isn't the real issue. It's selfish, uncontrolled arrogant "I demand you to change for me!"crap or an overactive hyper-insecurity complex that will later get him accused of shooting JFK, hiding aliens and sleeping with the babysitter. Don't give in just tell her it's her choice to leave or stay but accept me for who I am and what I enjoy doing because I'm not going to change or pretend to be someone I'm not to satisfy you. Then pick a girl who likes porn for her replacement.
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Unfortunately, I've lived through having such a spouse, I don't recommend it.
I'm not being melodramatic when I say that it had become unendurable. That part of my life is behind me now, thank goodness.
02/04/2012
Yes if it was an issue.
02/04/2012
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Calliope and Beck, your response(s) indicates that you have not had the experience of being with someone who's excessively controlling. I hope that you never have to live in that kind of hell.
Originally posted by
calliope
Of course I would give it up. I love my husband! I need him not porn. He would do the same for me. I might try and compromise first though.
It started slowly but became more and more often and all encompassing.
My spouse got to the point that she forbid me to have my elbow on the car door windowsill when we/I drove past one of the neighbors.
She said it was "a sign that I liked that neighbor", I don't even want to know what was going through her head at that time.
You have to understand that those kinds of demands are not about the specific activity that is being forbidden, it's about ABSOLUTE CONTROL over someone else's life. You don't want to endure that.
02/04/2012
Total posts: 41
Unique posters: 35
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