Asking for advice: young couple, difficulties in a relationship and future issues

Asking for advice: young couple, difficulties in a relationship and future issues

Valentinka Valentinka
Hello everyone!

That's the first discussion I've started on EF forum. I'm not really into asking for advice publicly, but some difficulties in my relationship have been making me extremely nervous, especially recently. I really like this community and believe that - probably - I can find some very helpful opinions.

Me and my significant other have been together for a year and a half and had known each other quite a long time prior to that. We have a trusting, warm, monogamous relationship. We haven't been attracted to other people a lot before and as for sex - we are each other's firsts. We both really value what we have, but one issue often disturbs me or even puts on the edge of breakdown. He does not see us together in the future. From time to time, when something stressful or bad occurs, when I confront him somehow, make him uncomfortable, he openly tells me, that maybe we should not be together. Although he admits that we are great together and he can hardly imagine anyone better than me, he worries that he'll give up and leave eventually and two or three years later would be even worse for me than now.

I guess I should provide some more background. He is 22 (I'm 21) and just finished University a year ago. He hasn't found a job he would like so far and just jumps from one place to another. He still lives with his parents, because can't afford to rent a flat, and my apartment is not an option as far as he is determined to be a man, try to live on his own for some time and achieve something by himself at first. He is also very very very indecisive and hesitant person - not only when it comes to relationships. Also I should admit that we both have very difficult personalities, dealing with some personal problems and crises all the time. Especially me, honestly. Probably, that is why we used to have too many conflicts before and still have them sometimes.

Everything began to be stable and enjoyable only 4-5 months ago. Yet still I press him too much sometimes, complain and fall into melancholy very often. Unfortunately, that's who I am due to many issues in my personal history. I'm working on that, he sees and appreciates all the progress, but obviously it's not enough. A few days ago he said: "I don't want to live all my life like that, being always pressed, dragged and pulled". I see that the must-do things for me here are to stop creating stressful situations, to be more independent, not to press him so much. It's obvious and I'm working on that. What I really would like to hear are opinions about this indecisiveness of his. How can I deal with that? Even if everything is great he still tends to worry about something and hesitate. When everything seems to be just amazing and I decide to talk about the future, he is very evasive or just honestly tells me that he cannot make any decision yet. I'm not sure if it's his age and thus inability to make a real commitment. Or is it just who he is - unable to live in a moment and not to fear? Maybe a personality crisis?? He changed his job a few days ago and - unexpectedly! - is going to Moscow to one of his favorite bands' concert. And didn't even asked me if I wanted to go

Please, any comments here would be helpful! Being so much paranoid as I am I'm going to die from a nervous breakdown sooner or later
03/15/2011
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markeagleone markeagleone
My personal advise is to seek counciling. It sounds like the two of you have deep-rooted issues. Both of you need to get them out in the open. It would be better if both of you went, but talking out the problems will lead you to an answer. Don't look for someone else's advise. Their advise may not pertain to you and your partner. You have to solve it, and counciling will give you that ability!
03/15/2011
markeagleone markeagleone
In any case, if you need to, give me a message. This community stands behind the individual member.
03/15/2011
Valentinka Valentinka
Thanks a lot for your reply!
We actually tried counseling a couple of times, but not on a regular basis. Didn't seem to help a lot But it did become better when I asked him to go to my therapist with me and then I left them two to chat and discuss some things it private. Maybe both of us just really need to solve our personal problems to be ready for a more serious relationship? I see that he has issues, and he is quite often sharing about what's bothering him. I just don't imagine how I can help.
03/16/2011
ShadowKitten ShadowKitten
Quote:
Originally posted by Valentinka
Thanks a lot for your reply!
We actually tried counseling a couple of times, but not on a regular basis. Didn't seem to help a lot But it did become better when I asked him to go to my therapist with me and then I left them two to chat and ...
From what I read, it does sound that way. That you both need to confront your inner demons/issues, whether that be alone or together is totally up to you but if I was in the same boat as you I'd try both ways, if neither of you can solve them I would then suggest doing as markseagleone said, and try counseling again.
03/16/2011
Love Bites Love Bites
I think maybe you should try counceling,both individual and as a couple.I know that I just turned 18 and my guy is 23,but we are engaged.Maybe something is bothering him from someone in his past,or maybe he isn't sure because he wants to be able to be independant before he chooses to settle for a long term future with you.Just keep listening and being supportive as much as you can.One of my best friends had to take a break from each other to work some things out before they could be together again.Maybe that's just how it'll be for you as well.
03/16/2011
Valentinka Valentinka
ShadowKitten and Kissable Cait, thank you both for your answers!
"Maybe he isn't sure because he wants to be able to be independent before he chooses to settle for a long term future with you" - that must be true! Even during the good times self-actualization seems to be the main thing bothering him.
03/16/2011
Lucidity Lucidity
It is really difficult to work on your own personal issues when you are in a relationship. As others have said, sometimes it's best to take time and work on yourself.

How can you nurture another person if you are not whole, yourself? You are both young and it seems like you have a lot of growing to do. Often that needs to be personal growth. Sometimes after a period of growth, two people become closer, sometimes they grow apart. It's better to know that to just hang in limbo.

Good luck.
03/16/2011
Valentinka Valentinka
Thanks, Lucidity!

We definitely need to work many things out, but as for me, I'd prefer for us to grow and develop together. Time will put everything into place, for sure, but right now I'm just intended not to give up.

I talked to him yesterday. Asked him why is he leaving his job, what's so important in that concert for him. He seems to be really tensed and tired, but a nice evening and me being supportive and involved seem to really help.

Thank again, everyone! I really appreciate your advices and willingness to help!
03/16/2011
Love Bites Love Bites
Glad to help!
03/17/2011
Total posts: 10
Unique posters: 5