Can a woman say "You go ahead" in bed? - from Em and Lo

Can a woman say "You go ahead" in bed? - from Em and Lo

Em & Lo Em & Lo
When a woman says, ‘We can focus on you now, it’s not going to happen for me tonight,’ how does her partner tend to feel about this? (Particularly a male partner.) Relieved? Insulted? Is it a mood-killer?” Our Wise Guys say that it depends on (a) when you say it (at the beginning of a session is best), (b) how often you say it (i.e. it shouldn't be a pattern, but occasionally is ok) and (c) the context (passive-aggressive vs. let's just have fun anyway). What do you think?
11/10/2010
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J's Alley J's Alley
For us, it isn't a mood killer. I do it a lot because sex can be painful for me. He's understanding, and loves that I am still willing to please him even if I am not going to get what I wanted. Even if I am not in the mood, I will still please my husband, because if I really want it, he would do it for me.
11/10/2010
Jenn (aka kissmykitty) Jenn (aka kissmykitty)
It isn't a mood killer for us, but my husband always feels bad and apologizes for going ahead "without me", even though I'm the one that encouraged him to! This doesn't happen very often, and when it does I don't mind, but he always feels bad, which makes *me* feel bad. Heh.
11/10/2010
~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
It used to be a mood killer, but not any more. It's just me being honest and we don't waste the time there after making sure he feels good if possible
11/10/2010
El-Jaro El-Jaro
I'd be very appreciative. There aren't too many things more frustrating than trying to help your female partner feel good and it just isn't happening.
11/10/2010
00 00
After being together for going on 30 years, my hubby and I have found it is just best to be totally honest with each other. It was a mood killer in the first couple of years we were together, but no longer. Sometimes it just does not happen for me, or him for that matter. It is natural and even more for a lot of women after menopause. That doesn't mean that sex is not still wonderful, it is. I say just enjoy what you can do and let the rest go. Relaxing about it instead of stressing over it usually the better thing to do. Learn to enjoy the ENTIRE sexual journey, not just the destination.
11/10/2010
J's Alley J's Alley
Quote:
Originally posted by El-Jaro
I'd be very appreciative. There aren't too many things more frustrating than trying to help your female partner feel good and it just isn't happening.
That's how J feels, plus if it just isn't going to happen for me I don't want to just leave him frustrated...that ends well for NO ONE.
11/10/2010
gone77 gone77
I think your Wise Guys hit the nail on the head here. Open communication is key here and not just in the bedroom, especially if there are other issues that may be a part of this.
11/10/2010
Destri Destri
Not a problem here. Hubby is very understanding, and sorry that it isn't going to happen for me, but he loves it when I tell him it will all be about him right then.
11/10/2010
Victoria Victoria
It happens - both ways, actually. And it REALLY is about What you say, How you say it, and what your intentions are.
11/10/2010
Waterfall Waterfall
I have said this to my previous partner twice and it seemed like he felt a little bad because of what I said. We never talked about it but I think he thought that this meant he wasnt doing a good job on that day, when it was just me understanding my body.
11/10/2010
Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
I spent roughly a year after having my daughter, being unable to climax either by myself or with my partner. It did not matter how horny I was, I could try for hours and be right there but nothing would happen. It was torture. For my partner it was disappointing, but more than anything he just felt sorry for me. That was a miserable year, I'm glad it's over.
11/10/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
It doesn't happen a lot - but I'd say it happens about 1-2x/month. It's no problem for either of us. She gets a chance to try something new for me that she may not think of in the "heat of the moment" - I rather enjoy it when it happens.
11/11/2010
Naughty Student Naughty Student
I think that telling my guy, right at the beginning of penetrative sex that I want to focus just on him...he would think its weird and wouldn't want to do it.

We engage in sex (oral/manual) where I focus solely on him, he expects that I will focus only on him. Thats how it goes for us.

During penetrative sex, if right off the bat, I'm like "well babe, just take care of pleasuring yourself, and I'll enjoy the ride...its not going to happen for me" He will not like that.

Usually what we do is we enage in penetrative sex, we enjoy it, if I cum great, if I don't, when I can tell it's not happenning for me, my man is obviously trying very hard, and I know he is close, THATS when I tell him to take care of himself and not worry for me.

He basiclly wont engage in penetrative sex unless I'm having an awesome time.
11/11/2010
Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I think that telling my guy, right at the beginning of penetrative sex that I want to focus just on him...he would think its weird and wouldn't want to do it.

We engage in sex (oral/manual) where I focus solely on him, he expects that I ...
I agree - if my wife is not in the mood we will not have penetrative sex. But when she wants to take care of me, it'll be either one of her great BJs, an awesome hand-job - or maybe even a tit-fuck.
11/11/2010
soulrain soulrain
My (male) partner and I are okay with this most of the time. He cares so much about my pleasure that sometimes he won't want to finish if I don't. But if he really thinks I'm okay with it, he'll let me. Sometimes I'm just into getting him off! He finds that hard to believe sometimes. But I mean, sometimes I'm just not going to be able to cum.
11/14/2010
Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
When a woman says, ‘We can focus on you now, it’s not going to happen for me tonight,’ how does her partner tend to feel about this? (Particularly a male partner.) Relieved? Insulted? Is it a mood-killer?” Our Wise Guys say that it depends on (a) ...
For Sigel and I it is something I say to let him know I am frustrated but he usually takes it to mean that he should up his game. He can get a bit of an ego flare up but I try not to take it personally...thre are issues from his past that makes him NEED to feel like he can bring me ultimate pleasure no matter what. The one thing I never do is fake it.

Arch has fewer issues and will take me at my word, so I tell him I am frustrated straight out and he helps me work on whatever it is that is bothering me, or he just soothes me and we move on.

If it's both of them they gang up on me and it gets incredibly fun
11/15/2010
cec578 cec578
my partner know I can't climax through plain sex (unless we use a vibrating ring...just ordered a Tor!!!)he usually verbally warns me, even though I can tell by physical cues and I encourage him to finish. Just having him finish in me means a lot to me and creates an emotional bond that I enjoy greatly. However, after he's done he usually finishes me through oral. If we start and I'm not in the mood at all he usually stops and we just have naked cuddle time
03/18/2011
markeagleone markeagleone
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
When a woman says, ‘We can focus on you now, it’s not going to happen for me tonight,’ how does her partner tend to feel about this? (Particularly a male partner.) Relieved? Insulted? Is it a mood-killer?” Our Wise Guys say that it depends on (a) ...
mood killer-It's all about sharing the moment!
03/18/2011
TumorCrunch TumorCrunch
Quote:
Originally posted by J's Alley
For us, it isn't a mood killer. I do it a lot because sex can be painful for me. He's understanding, and loves that I am still willing to please him even if I am not going to get what I wanted. Even if I am not in the mood, I will still ...
we're the same exact way.
03/29/2011
Fuck it. Fuck it.
Sometimes it just doesn't happen for me. I explain its not him, he offers other solutions. We try them or focus on him. There's a point where it stops being fun and he wouldn't want to make me sit through that.
03/31/2011
indiglo indiglo
It's not a mood killer for us. However, we had a really serious talk about it a long time ago, and I explained why I say that sometimes (it isn't a regular occurrence though). He used to feel bad if that would happen, but after we talked about it, and I explained my POV on it, he realized he didn't need to feel bad. Now he's ok with it, but I think it might bother him if it happened a lot - just because he likes me to have pleasure too.
03/31/2011
Rockin' Rockin'
I'll say it sometimes, but usually before we even start playing or right near the beginning. I'll often just want to play with my boy, and won't be thinking about getting myself off, so I try to make that clear. He's usually fine with it. Occasionally he'll try to convince me to play more after he's done, which is nice, but just depends on how I'm feeling. The only times I'd say it's been an issue is if I don't realize I'm just not feeling super-aroused until we've been having sex for a while. Then it's a little more of a bump to get over, "Hey, this is great, but I don't think I can come, and I'm fine with that, just so we're on the same page." I haven't found a lovely way to say it, but my partner knows how much I love being there with him for his pleasure, so it works out.
03/31/2011
froggiemoma froggiemoma
for him its a mmood killer cause he's all about making sure im good before himself
04/01/2011
Mistressssssss Mistressssssss
In past relationships, the men I have been with have all been very turned off if I say that it isn't going to happen for me.Even though I play and will do anything they want to get them off,they get really upset. But the back lash is, that if I do get turned on and then can not cum, I become very frustrated when it doesn't happen. Which they then get even more upset about. I haven't quite figured out how to get them to just take me at my word in the beginning. Not an issue now, because I am single, but if I ever do end up in a relationship again, I do not want a repeat of this type of scenario.
04/05/2011
mrs.mckrakn mrs.mckrakn
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
When a woman says, ‘We can focus on you now, it’s not going to happen for me tonight,’ how does her partner tend to feel about this? (Particularly a male partner.) Relieved? Insulted? Is it a mood-killer?” Our Wise Guys say that it depends on (a) ...
Its not important anymore.
04/21/2011
Retro Retro
Quote:
Originally posted by Em & Lo
When a woman says, ‘We can focus on you now, it’s not going to happen for me tonight,’ how does her partner tend to feel about this? (Particularly a male partner.) Relieved? Insulted? Is it a mood-killer?” Our Wise Guys say that it depends on (a) ...
I think he gets frustrated and quits as well. I am all for him getting his but sometimes it gets to him.
04/28/2011
Volund Volund
Quote:
Originally posted by Jenn (aka kissmykitty)
It isn't a mood killer for us, but my husband always feels bad and apologizes for going ahead "without me", even though I'm the one that encouraged him to! This doesn't happen very often, and when it does I don't mind, but ...
This ^^, I don't tend to like to go ahead without her.... I much prefer finishing together lol
04/29/2011
Taylor Taylor
I wish it wasn't such a mood killer, but it usually is. I wish I knew the right way to talk to him about it without him getting offended, but he always just shuts down and won't talk to me for quite awhile after I say it's not going to happen tonight.

I've tried explaining that it's not anything he's doing but it never seems to help.
04/29/2011
salaciousrex salaciousrex
As long as I sound like I don't mind it and I still WANT to please him even though I won't get anything out of it he's usually okay. He always feels bad about it, I wish he wouldn't though!
04/29/2011
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