The New Intimacy

D-I-V-O-R-C-E. The Big Ugly 'D' Word.

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Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
In the past 24 hours I've just found out that 2 sets of my aunts and uncles are getting a divorce. with 6 aunts and 6 uncles all never divorced (save one from a short marriage when i was young) and my parents still together... it's a bit of a shock.

Wondering the demographics of married folks here who've been divorced. It's just interesting to me to hear all these statistics about it and feel that when getting married the odds are stacked up against you. Yuck.

Let's get the truth out at least about our little community's divorce rate.

And if you don't care to, could you please let us know if you were divorced, WHY? And if you're still with your marriage partner, what has held you together?

Thanks for all your input.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
We're still married.
59  (40%)
I've had a divorce.
31  (21%)
Never married.
58  (39%)
Total votes: 148
Poll is closed
08/05/2011
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Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
Alan & I were both divorced before we got together. I'll let him tell his own story about his divorces if he chooses to, but for me the reason was that I married for the wrong reasons, and with unrealistic expectations for the relationship. I "woke up" several months into the marriage and ended it.
08/05/2011
Contributor: anonomous anonomous
I actually don't want to bother getting married because its like your going to have to pay to break up. I havent found anyone that I had faith in being with forever plus I never had the urge to marry. Im not against other people who choose marriage, its just nothing i care about. I know where I stand with the person and a certificate wont make me feel any different.
08/05/2011
Contributor: Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
I got married too young because it was the next logical step and it's what everyone expected, without knowing how horribly incompatible he was for me. Left him when I was 26.
08/05/2011
Contributor: Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
i'm not married and my parents were never divorced.
08/05/2011
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Also like Tori, I married too young and was horribly incompatible (my reason was fear of never having another chance as he's the only guy who ever expressed true interest in me). It took me until I was 32 (and about to jump off a bridge) to finally decide to save my sanity and soul, and divorce him.

Lessons: know who you are first, don't accept the first one that comes along, don't have high expectations, know what you're getting into, know that marriage is work for both people.
08/05/2011
Contributor: Envy Envy
Never been married, not big on the idea of being married, either. My dad, though, has been married and divorced twice.
08/05/2011
Contributor: js250 js250
I married my first husband when I was 22. I did it because I wanted to have the same last name as my daughter when she went to school, I thought I loved him, and I thought all I wanted in life was to be A Wife. (Not a typo). I "loved" him because of the family he had that I thought would be my family, the June Cleaver syndrome; (is what I call it), being grown up enough to be A Wife. I was too young to know what I really wanted in life. But I honestly, still am glad my daughter and I had the same last name when she went to school. I divorced an alcoholic that had no time for me and his daughter 6 years later. I married my husband and we have been together for 14 years. My husband was also divorced. He got a girl pregnant, married her, and had nothing but their child in common with her.

With the exception of the death of a loved one, divorce is a very heart-wrenching decision to make. If you could be an un-biased supporter of your aunts and uncles through this process without letting them put you in the middle, that would be one of the kindest, helpful and most needed thing that you could ever do for another person.
08/05/2011
Contributor: padmeamidala padmeamidala
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
In the past 24 hours I've just found out that 2 sets of my aunts and uncles are getting a divorce. with 6 aunts and 6 uncles all never divorced (save one from a short marriage when i was young) and my parents still together... it's a bit of a ... more
I am divorced from my first husband but remarried my Master and we are happily married. I feel that I got married too young the first time around.
08/05/2011
Contributor: AngelvMaynard AngelvMaynard
I have been married for 15 years and we have been together since we were 18. Thats on and off of course, we broke up several times and dated other people. We had a major love/hate relationship when we were younger, but we were always very passionate about each other. He was and still is my best friend. I have no secrets or advice to give. We don't question why we have stayed together so long. We have just always kind of orbited around each other and unless something tragic happens to one of us, I think we always will. We still take it day by day after all these years of marriage, kids, ups and downs. Not every day is perfect. Someone said something to me once and I thought it was a great quote, "We lasted all this time because we were never out of love with each other at the same time."
08/05/2011
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
My Man and I are still together after more than 20 years. We have weathered an Open Relationship, my going off to college and our being apart, and other issues, including having different political views on many things.

We have made it work because we both think it is worth it. We are in love and make love frequently, often every day or even twice a day. We do argue, as is common for many couples, and are probably not the "best match" in the world, although we are very sexually compatible and I think most of the time we make a good team parenting. But, our values are very similar, and we have raised 3 kids together, and want to stay together.

It's just damn hard work. You have to love the person enough to care enough to make it work. IMO, marriage should not be gone into lightly. I think too many young (and even older) women think about how "fun" the wedding and the honeymoon will be and don't think about spending the rest of their lives with this other person. You have to be willing to give in sometimes, be wrong sometimes, and know when something is worth standing up for. You have to choose your battles and let things go that are not important in the long run. No marriage survives when one person is so stubborn that they NEVER give in, even if the "know" they are "right."

I have said before and I believe, a lot of time it comes down to "Do you want to be 'right' or do you want to be in love?" Because there are situations where you can't be both.
08/05/2011
Contributor: Rossie Rossie
I divorced my first husband because he's had an long-going affair. I was 18 and have a very snoopy mother, she tailed me around when I go on dates, so the rebellious me decided to fight and married the guy she opposed. He was not a womanizer, but somehow women flocked around him, so finally he's had an affair with one of them. I know my ex was at fault, but I still blame my mother up to this date for causing me to marry so young. If she had not barged into my personal life, I would not end up marrying my ex. The only good from my first marriage is having a wonderful daughter. Because of all the bad experiences with my mom, I treated my daughter like a friend, giving her advise when she needs it, but never try to control her in any aspect of her life. She turns out to be a great person, graduated Business School and has a fiance who's a young lawyer, I'm so proud of her!

Currently, I am married to my second husband, it's been 18 years and we're still going on strong!
08/05/2011
Contributor: M121212 M121212
I've never been married, but both my parents have had 3 marriages and/or child partners each, so it's pretty built into my family. My parents split up when I was 7 and I actually saw more of my dad when he was not living with us, because he was happier and not just hiding in the basement all the time.
08/05/2011
Contributor: Sammi Sammi
I've been married once, never divorced. Some in my family, now, are another story . My parents were married for 55 years to each other. Love, friendship...a lot of things have kept us together.
08/05/2011
Contributor: wetone123 wetone123
I've been married twice and divorced twice. The first time I was 15- hardly old enough to even drive! But stupid enough to get pregnant. That did not last long. We were just too young. I waited 10 years to make sure the second marriage would last. Alas, this marriage fell apart after 10 years due to a cheating husband with a little package on the way - with a girl 20 years younger than he was! It has been 15 years now, and I'm still too traumatized to get married again. Have not found anyone I feel comfortable with much less marry! Trust is so fragile.
08/05/2011
Contributor: CoffeeCup CoffeeCup
I've never been married and my parents have been married for 36 years. However, its is not my mother's first marriage. My mom married her high school sweetheart while in college. They'd only been married a few months when she found out he was cheating with her best friend and their roommate was helping keep the secret! My father, who had been a mutual friend/acquaintance of all of them, sided with my mother. He was probably particularly disgusted because he'd just watched his own parents divorce due to his father's philandering.

The secret to my parents long marriage? I think its because they've lived in separate states for 17 years!
08/05/2011
Contributor: RonLee RonLee
My divorce was more emotionally wrenching than I could ever imagine. I simply cannot understand how someone can go through that more than once.
08/06/2011
Contributor: ~LaUr3n~ ~LaUr3n~
No one is my family, one either side, has ever had a divorce. I've never been married.
08/06/2011
Contributor: Elaira Elaira
I haven't been married yet, even though I feel like it's been getting to that point where I think it would be a nice thing to do.

Both of my parents have been married 3 times. Third time's the charm?
08/06/2011
Contributor: ToyBoy ToyBoy
Divorce is a common thing in my family. My mom was divorced before she met my dad, and now they are divorced. Her brother and his wife were both divorced before they got married. Their mother divorced their father too. So everyone on my mom's side has been divorced at least once. My dad's side is a traditional southern family, so they stayed married (though all are pretty unhappy). I'm not married, but I would like to not go down the same path...
08/06/2011
Contributor: Passionate Pastor Passionate Pastor
Happily married, never divorced.
08/06/2011
Contributor: Miss Anonymous Miss Anonymous
Never married.
08/06/2011
Contributor: emiliaa emiliaa
Never married, and don't plan on it. Sounds like a big legal mess I really don't need to deal with. (even if I never got divorced, seems unnecessary to marry.)
08/07/2011
Contributor: froggiemoma froggiemoma
married when i was 17 , lasted 9 years turned into a very negative situation we got married to young and stayed together so long for all the wrong reasons eventually started to hate each other. my current bf has been divorced also. my mom has been married 3 times so divorce wasnt anything shoking for me.
08/07/2011
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
My dad was my mom's second husband, and one of my uncles has been divorced. My husband's parents have been happily married since 1973, and I think he also has an uncle or two that's been divorced. We've only been married 7 months, but everybody seems to think we're destined to have been together. Fingers crossed, lol.
08/08/2011
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
My mother has been married and divorced three times (my father was her second husband). My father has been married and divorced eight times (my mother was his fourth wife). My sister has been married twice, divorced once. My husband has been married twice, divorced once. Um...let's see...I don't think there is anyone, other than myself, in my family who has not been married at least twice.
08/08/2011
Contributor: aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
My Man and I are still together after more than 20 years. We have weathered an Open Relationship, my going off to college and our being apart, and other issues, including having different political views on many things.

We have made it work ... more
"Do you want to be 'right' or do you want to be in love?" this repeated in my head this weekend and caused me to back down in silly arguments. great advise, as per usual. thank you.

08/08/2011
Contributor: Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
Been together (married) 32 years now...and there were times I probably would have considered leaving - but we were too broke...and he was too darn stubborn to give up on me.

Then we realized our "feelings" of love came and went in cycles - so we started determining to "just hold on" during the bad cycles - which as we've been together longer have gotten shorter and shorter...now they are usually only a few days or a couple of weeks long...and then one of us does something that brings us back together..
09/29/2011
Contributor: Jaimes Jaimes
My parents are divorced, but both happily remarried and going strong. My husband's parents are both divorced, and happily remarried. I've never been divorced, and my husband is a widower.
09/30/2011
Contributor: oldhippy oldhippy
My wife and I have been married for 43 years, and know people who have been married for 64 years.
In the beginning, after the kids were born, when things got tough, especially while I was in the service, the way we stayed together was to decide "Whoever files gets the kids.". That pretty much took care of the issue for the next 20 years or so.
Later, we had become so much of a habit with each other that getting a divorce just no longer a question. We really do love each other, but there are times when it seems more like a habit than anything else.
There have been times in our marriage when divorce has been talked about, but we have always managed to work our way through those times, and come out the other side as a married couple still.
10/01/2011