The New Intimacy

Having sex to please your partner?

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Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
I was just thinking about this as I was reminded of this from another discussion.

In the past I have had sex with my partner although I wasn't in the mood to do it, but did it anyways to please my partner bcs I loved him. It sort of created a problem for us that we luckily were able to get over.

However, I am wondering how many people have done this and if it is or isn't an issue for them.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
It's never happenned to me
17  (14%)
It's happenned in the past and it was never a problem for me
46  (39%)
It's happenned in the past and it created a problem for me
18  (15%)
It's happenned in the past once and I never did it again
I do it now and my partner doesn't know and I feel ok with that
4  (3%)
I do it now and my partner doesn't know and I feel bad about it
3  (3%)
I do this all the time bcs I don't ever really want to have sex
3  (3%)
My partner does this and it pisses me off
My partner does this but I think it's ok
My partner might be doing this but I don't know
4  (3%)
Why would anyone ever do that?
3  (3%)
Other...
20  (17%)
Total votes: 118
Poll is closed
11/11/2010
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Contributor: DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
My option isn't here so I hit other.

I've done it in the past, and y partner knows, and it's fine.

Sometimes one of us is really in the mood and the other just isn't into it at all, and that's fine.

But sometimes one of us isn't really in the mood and the other is dying to have sex, and out of love we are intimate--never out of obligation. Even if I don't want to orgasm or have sex, I'm happy to be intimate with my partner because I like bringing her satisfaction.

She's also been willing to be intimate when I know she was tired and totally not in the mood.


if you're doing it out of obligation, though, that's never going to be part of a healthy dynamic; if you make a request with stipulations, it's not really a request, it's a demand.
11/11/2010
Contributor: SexyTabby SexyTabby
I choose other because there's been times when it was more like obligations of the wedding bed especially when we were first married. Other times I just wasn't over another topic and he was moving forward. Can't say it was the healthiest choices but it seemed necessary at the time.

Now I will just tell him exactly what I'm thinking if he can't figure it out himself. My sex drive has been insane as of lately so more often then not he's the one with the headache not me.

Been together for 22 years and I know everything he needs, wants and expects so I'd seriously doubt he'd even know if I was faking it or not but our relationship isn't about sex or just pleasing him so it's simply not necessary.
11/11/2010
Contributor: Alicia Alicia
I chose other because there are times that I am less in the mood but easily get in the mood from him iniating it. I've never had sex when I'm totally not in the mood, and usually he can tell I'm not in the mood and doesn't even pursue it. Although for me I'm always up for it unless I am tired or sick...so he can usually tell. I've also never felt obligated to have sex with him.
11/11/2010
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quite a while back, in the early beginnings of my current relationship, I was engaging in sex just to make my partner happy. I had no desire for sex. I felt like he was using me for sex. I felt so horrible about myself, like I was a big vagina or something.

Then one day, I just started crying as we were having sex and my boyfriend was so creeped out, he was so disgusted in himself to have been having sex with me while I was in that state. We worked things out that night but it was tomultuous, but it was worth it. I never felt like I had to have sex to please him. I never again felt like he was using me. It was all in my head but I wasn't able to talk about it. Now things are much better. When things aren't going my way I just can't seem to shut up
11/12/2010
Contributor: Jenn (aka kissmykitty) Jenn (aka kissmykitty)
(EdenFantasys)
It happens on occasion. There are instances where he really wants it and I'm more ho-hum, and vice versa! Sometimes we don't have sex at all, other times we "take one for the team" -- and end up enjoying it immensely, of course.
11/12/2010
Contributor: Tori Rebel Tori Rebel
Quote:
Originally posted by Alicia
I chose other because there are times that I am less in the mood but easily get in the mood from him iniating it. I've never had sex when I'm totally not in the mood, and usually he can tell I'm not in the mood and doesn't even pursue ... more
Alicia pretty much said it exactly how I feel. I've never been forced, begged, or made to feel guilty, but there are times where he's started out more interested in it than I am, but it evens out quickly. And if I'm genuinely not in the mood, he lets it go, no issues.
11/12/2010
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
I just can't have sex when I am not in the mood. When I am upset I am so turned off I telegraph a big NO! and he knows. In the past he has tried to entice me but now he just gets the message. He reads non verbal communication quite well.
11/12/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
My ex used to have sex with me just because I wanted it. I was never ok with it. It really hurts the ego to not be desired, but there was little I could do. I could either not have sex or have sub-standard sex. I hope to never be in that position again.
11/12/2010
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Quote:
Originally posted by Darling Jen
My ex used to have sex with me just because I wanted it. I was never ok with it. It really hurts the ego to not be desired, but there was little I could do. I could either not have sex or have sub-standard sex. I hope to never be in that position ... more
Wow, I hope that kind of situation remains in your past and you find someone who appreciates you more *hug*
11/12/2010
Contributor: Darling Jen Darling Jen
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Wow, I hope that kind of situation remains in your past and you find someone who appreciates you more *hug*
Thank you so much! I hope so too. Whatever new partner comes along will have to be open to pleasure.
11/12/2010
Contributor: Jessica Elizabeth Jessica Elizabeth
I've done it, simply because 1 - my partner is in the mood and 2 - he knows how to get me in the mood. It takes quite little effort for him to get me randy. So, if he's horny and I'm not, I still strip and let him fondle me. He *always* without fail gives me foreplay before I can even think of touching him. So, it's not a problem for us 'cuz even though I may start out uninterested, he gets me interested.

I would never, ever do this if I were upset, or feeling ill or anything. In those cases he would respect my decision.
11/13/2010
Contributor: PassionQT PassionQT
My mom actually said to me the other day that she wasn't in the mood anymore, but did it anyhow. I used to do it too, to make him feel good, but now, screw that! If I'm not in the mood, it's not going to happen. I don't feel I should have sex out of marital obligation, etc.. My partner knows that I have been going through some crazy hormonal stuff, so he is understanding and takes what he can get. I don't feel that at 40 I should have to lose my sex drive, but it's slowly happening and we are coping with it. I'm still a very sexual person, but my body just isn't responding like it used to.
11/14/2010
Contributor: soulrain soulrain
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I was just thinking about this as I was reminded of this from another discussion.

In the past I have had sex with my partner although I wasn't in the mood to do it, but did it anyways to please my partner bcs I loved him. It sort of ... more
As a sexual assault survivor, I care very much about my own prerogative when it comes to sex. I used to just "do it" with former partners because I felt that what mattered most was pleasing him, even if I wasn't in the mood or even if it hurt me to do it (physically or otherwise). My current partner and I have had many discussions about this. I still sometimes fall back into my bad habit of just doing it to please him. Being together for 2 years now, he can now tell if I'm not in the mood and will call me out on it. He doesn't like the idea of me doing things just to please him unless we are both in the mood, and are both going to enjoy it. Of course, I am open to him doing things to try and get me in the mood, but if I don't respond or fall out of the mood in the middle of fooling around, he won't push me.

It's a tough issue sometimes, but my partner and I have the understanding that we both enjoy it or we don't do it. I don't really like the "because I love him" excuse. Because if he really loves me, he will understand if I'm not in the mood for sex and it will be okay.
11/14/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I was just thinking about this as I was reminded of this from another discussion.

In the past I have had sex with my partner although I wasn't in the mood to do it, but did it anyways to please my partner bcs I loved him. It sort of ... more
Sometimes I have had sex when I didn't feel like it for my partner(s) and I know they have done it for me. I have a higher sex drive but more fragile body so....ya. It has caused some problems for us in the past mostly due to hurt feelings about whether we are unattractive because our partners don't want sex. Mostly that happens when we aren't being honest with each other...or ourselves.
11/15/2010
Contributor: Gunsmoke Gunsmoke
I have a deal with my wife that I'll have sex with her at any time - wake me up, keep me up - I don't care. But it's not the same for her. I know she has had sex with me when she didn't want to - but in the end she has a great orgasm or 2 - so what's the problem. I always make it worthwhile for her!
11/15/2010
Contributor: Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
Quite a while back, in the early beginnings of my current relationship, I was engaging in sex just to make my partner happy. I had no desire for sex. I felt like he was using me for sex. I felt so horrible about myself, like I was a big vagina or ... more
I have certainly been in that situation. It feels awful.

I have also been in a situation where my partner would tell me they didn't want me to be doing anything unless I wanted to, but then I was made to feel guilty for not always wanting to have intercourse or whatever. Of course this situation just became more of a turn off than anything and caused a serious rift in the relationship at times.
11/20/2010
Contributor: pinkzombie pinkzombie
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I was just thinking about this as I was reminded of this from another discussion.

In the past I have had sex with my partner although I wasn't in the mood to do it, but did it anyways to please my partner bcs I loved him. It sort of ... more
I always want to do it, if I do not then we don't weather my partner wants to or not. he is not forceful or controlling so I usually please him another way if I want to!
11/24/2010
Contributor: Dark Muse Dark Muse
I've done it before, and it feels like it created a temporary problem, but one with a positive outcome. Whenever it happened, usually I would feel really bad about it, and of course my partner figures it out because I'm upset, which then upsets him. However, in the end it would lead us to discussing WHY I wasn't in the mood, or what could make the sex better. Frankly, if I'm not in the mood and I'm just doing it to please him, the sex sucked. So discussing it led to better sex and therefore, problem solved.
11/26/2010
Contributor: onehotmomma onehotmomma
It has never happened to me. I'm pretty vocal about what I'm in the mood for, or not in the mood for. However I don't know if I've ever been on the other end of this situation. Maybe he has done it to please me, but not really wanted to and never said anything? I'll have to ask him when he wakes up lol
12/03/2010
Contributor: A Closet Slut (aka nipplepeople) A Closet Slut (aka nipplepeople)
It hasn't happened to me yet and I am doubtful about how I would feel if my partner did that.
01/19/2011
Contributor: LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I was just thinking about this as I was reminded of this from another discussion.

In the past I have had sex with my partner although I wasn't in the mood to do it, but did it anyways to please my partner bcs I loved him. It sort of ... more
We always have sex to please both of us. If it's any different in the future, I'll do it to make him happy.
01/19/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
I've done it in the past, and my partner at the time didn't know. (And it created some resentment in me.) I don't do it with my current partner, and he would never want me to. He always tells me that if I'm not in the mood, it's my right to say so.
01/19/2011
Contributor: KikiChrome KikiChrome
It's funny, but a little while back I started getting pain when we were having sex. It obviously had a very detrimental effect on our sex life.

When I went to a gynecologist, and everything checked out, she diagnosed me with vulvodynia (which is just non-specific pain) and suggested I try a numbing gel! That lead me to ask why I would choose to have sex that I couldn't enjoy. She seemed to think that I was very strange for not wanting to have sex "just for his sake"... and I thought she was very strange for suggesting that I should insult my partner so much as to want to be numb when we were having sex. I know that he wants me to enjoy it.

I brought the numbing agent home, suggested it to him, and we both agreed that it wasn't for us. He didn't want a pity fuck, and I didn't want to just "grin & bear it" either. Neither of us thought that this was a good, healthy or natural way to have a sexual relationship.
02/24/2011
Contributor: sbon sbon
It hasn't been a problem for me.
02/26/2011
Contributor: SerenityRed SerenityRed
I think that if you say you're not in the mood, your partner should be able to understand. Given, if you don't do it all the time for other reasons than just not being in the mood.
02/26/2011
Contributor: IrishLassie IrishLassie
I have a much higher sex drive than my husband, sometimes, my husband will have sex with me to please me. I dont hate it but it certainly changes the mood almost to the point where I no longer want to have sex that day. But after some foreplay, we both really get into and its no longer a problem.
02/26/2011
Contributor: sexyintexas sexyintexas
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I was just thinking about this as I was reminded of this from another discussion.

In the past I have had sex with my partner although I wasn't in the mood to do it, but did it anyways to please my partner bcs I loved him. It sort of ... more
Even if Im not in the mood at the time, just knowing that hes turned on normally gets me ready to go
02/27/2011
Contributor: Bunnycups Bunnycups
Yes, this has happened to me and it created a problem. I ended up feeling unhappy about it and it would really bother me. It's better just not to have sex because your partner (if you're in a healthy and loving relationship) wants you to be happy too. I think it's hurtful to both parties because you're not being honest.
02/27/2011
Contributor: amazey amazey
Sometimes, it starts out where I am not in the mood and he starts it but in the end I do get in the mood. After having a kid, this happened more often than not. We both end up getting into it so I don't see it as a problem and I don't think my husband does either.
02/28/2011